Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jan 2, 2021 12:48:00 GMT -5
For the last 11 years, I’ve worked and travelled for work way too much. I finally have all the time in the world to spend with her and it’s too late. She is an adult with her own life.Unfortunately this happens way too often. DH did that in his career and when he retired, he expected his sons to start hanging around. He left his DW to raise the boys and when she passed, their involvement with dad lessened a lot. Sad thing is ........... he doesn't realize what happened. I think I made it sound worse than it was. For the first 11 years of my children’s’ lives, I worked two days a week. When I went back to full time when they were 9 and 11, I felt like I failed them. But I had to make sure I was financially secure outside of their father (perhaps I saw the writing on the wall with my marriage). In a two year span, I had to go to Brazil 8 times. Then it was only once or twice a year. It wasn’t like I was gone all the time. And even though I worked long hours, I would try to get to the office for 6 so I could be home for them. But I was always burned out. So while I was here and their full time caregiver (my oldest only went to her fathers a handful of times), I look back and know I short changed them. I tried to make it to all school functions but didn’t always succeed. Or if it was a full morning function, I would have to sneak out after an hour to get back to work. The year my oldest graduated high school, there were so many functions at school and always at the worst possible time. So while I made it to all of those, I was distracted and stressed a lot. Looking back, I couldn’t just sit and enjoy the moment with my daughter. Mom guilt is a strong one!
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jan 2, 2021 12:50:04 GMT -5
Time or money. You don't get both.
We prioritize time over money. It has it's drawbacks, too. I’m surprised to hear you say you prioritize time. I remember when you were working full time, part time and going to school. It sounded like you had even less time than I had.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jan 2, 2021 12:52:45 GMT -5
See, I was sailing. I mean I love them and I’m happy to have them home, but I had found such a nice relaxed, doing my own things routine ... and I think I’m just a little worried after Covid changes I’m not getting it back again... LOL I was a freakin' wreck when I took DS to college. He came home 10 weeks later and by the end of the first week back I was counting down the days until I could take him back! Lol! DH reminds me how much DD and I fought when she was home. So while I miss her terribly, I think I’m looking back with rose colored glasses. She and I have the same personality so, we love each other a lot, but damn did we butt heads!
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jan 2, 2021 12:54:54 GMT -5
That is probably another part of my funk. My oldest just launched two months ago. I’m super proud of her but also miss having her at home. My job was to launch her and I did. But a part of me is struggling with my new role in her life. For the last 11 years, I’ve worked and travelled for work way too much. I finally have all the time in the world to spend with her and it’s too late. She is an adult with her own life. My youngest graduated from high school 2019, and she went to college that fall. I was an utter disaster for a month. I struggled for at least four months. Then she got sent home because of the pandemic. Then, that was hard too. Anyhoo, I don't know who I am outside of work and parenting. I'm also trying to find something outside of parenting that is meaningful to me. Oh, I do get it! That sounds like me. My kids were always the priority and because I did work a lot I made sure my free time was for them. I will always have my youngest to take care of so I will forever be caught between two worlds..full time mom and empty nester
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jan 2, 2021 13:00:06 GMT -5
I also think that this being the second one to leave was different. The first one was harder, but I'd already established away from home routines/knowledge that helped. And as you say the empty nest part. I think those big questions coming up at this point are normal even though that doesn't make it easier. I'm also frequently overwhelmed with the vastness of choice in what I want to do next, how I can be engaged in meaningful work, etc. I don't think its whiney. I think there are legitimate issues and questions even in regular transition stages of life. Current events exacerbate the situation. I've been talking to a therapist, about every 2 weeks now. I needed after the election, honestly I needed it before and my breaking my own rules about when to ask for help is why it got so bad, so that now that I could probably stop or go to once a month maintenance, I'm sticking with it a little longer to make sure. Even if he doesn't say much it helps to have an accountability person and a sounding board for some of those questions. You might consider talking to someone who can help you sort thoughts and ideas and ask you questions and help draw observations. Lots of therapists specialize in transition times, as that is generally a time when people can use some feedback on making decisions and forming new habits, etc. Thank you and I should probably consider a therapist. I always used my girlfriends as my therapists, but we are at different points in our lives. I had my kids a lot younger than most of my friends. They envy my “freedom” without understanding my feelings. Not that they are discounting my feelings, they truly can’t relate. I would have been the same way 5-10 years ago. Even just typing out my thoughts on here has made me take a step back and realize my perception now wasn’t reality. I also hate winter so that is compounding this. I want to drink wine in my pool! Being cooped up in the house is depressing. And DD and I hate the cold so sitting outside in these temps does not sound fun!
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oped
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Post by oped on Jan 2, 2021 13:01:01 GMT -5
I look back and know I short changed them. ... So while I made it to all of those, I was distracted and stressed a lot. Looking back, I couldn’t just sit and enjoy the moment with my daughter. Mom guilt is a strong one! No matter what. We are imperfect beings and hindsight is always clearer than what is before us. I was home full time, homeschooled, and there are still things I wish I'd done differently We don't get to do them differently. I do get to say, hey, maybe this would have been better, and sorry I didn't think to do that... and hey, you are addressing any issues that come from my issues much earlier than I did so there is that ... Anyway. No one looks back with only self accolades. But we can choose what to focus on. And forgive what you couldn't have known, recognize you did your best with what you had at the time and realize that there are still lots of decades to improve and grow and build.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jan 2, 2021 13:53:34 GMT -5
Time or money. You don't get both.
We prioritize time over money. It has it's drawbacks, too. I’m surprised to hear you say you prioritize time. I remember when you were working full time, part time and going to school. It sounded like you had even less time than I had. The difference is my job is flexible. I didn't take high level job that requires travel.
I found an employer that doesn't count butt in seat time, and doesn't really care when the work gets done, as long as it gets done. I need my brain, my computer, and internet to work. It's been 14 years since I've worked a typical work schedule, M-F. For the past 8 summers, I've been out of the office more than I've been in it. Still working full time.
My performance has been really quite good...I'm even doing the work of others, sometimes. So...no one can really complain.
Working or doing school work while the rest of the family is asleep doesn't cut into family time. Actually, the peanut and I just talked this morning, and she's like "you are in school?"
Or, I work during downtime when I'm schelpping my kids to activities. I'm pretty self-directed, and can figure out how to manage my tasks at work to fit in with the rest of my schedule. I will say, though, I'm moving into new territory with starting a couple of projects from the ground up, and that's throwing me for a loop for a little bit. I *always* keep some work project, school, assignment, or hobby in my bag, incase one of my music kiddos doesn't show up for lessons. I don't want to waste an extra half hour.
We also kept DH working half time. The transition from him doing littles care to elder care is coming up pretty quickly..like a couple of years.
I also have generous PTO. That's how I'm going to get through this summer. (I have to take two classes, one of which is an internship that will be 10 hours a week).
What I don't do is 1) spend a lot of time exercising, 2) keep an immaculate house 3) socialize (to include using social media).
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Jan 2, 2021 15:33:19 GMT -5
My youngest graduated from high school 2019, and she went to college that fall. I was an utter disaster for a month. I struggled for at least four months. Then she got sent home because of the pandemic. Then, that was hard too. Anyhoo, I don't know who I am outside of work and parenting. I'm also trying to find something outside of parenting that is meaningful to me. See, I was sailing. I mean I love them and I’m happy to have them home, but I had found such a nice relaxed, doing my own things routine ... and I think I’m just a little worried after Covid changes I’m not getting it back again... This.
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minnesotapaintlady
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on Jan 2, 2021 22:43:25 GMT -5
LOL I was a freakin' wreck when I took DS to college. He came home 10 weeks later and by the end of the first week back I was counting down the days until I could take him back! Lol! DH reminds me how much DD and I fought when she was home. So while I miss her terribly, I think I’m looking back with rose colored glasses. She and I have the same personality so, we love each other a lot, but damn did we butt heads! My son and I get along for the most part, but his gaming drives me INSANE. I mean I hate it with a passion. I hate that he spends all his time doing that and I hate that he is so incredibly LOUD when he's playing. If we were roommates, I would not renew the lease. Right now I'm going off to lock myself in my room and turn the TV on to drown him out. He will go until well after midnight then come upstairs to make his 2nd dinner and wake me up while he's banging around in the kitchen. 13 more days.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Jan 2, 2021 22:53:18 GMT -5
Lol! DH reminds me how much DD and I fought when she was home. So while I miss her terribly, I think I’m looking back with rose colored glasses. She and I have the same personality so, we love each other a lot, but damn did we butt heads! My son and I get along for the most part, but his gaming drives me INSANE. I mean I hate it with a passion. I hate that he spends all his time doing that and I hate that he is so incredibly LOUD when he's playing. If we were roommates, I would not renew the lease. Right now I'm going off to lock myself in my room and turn the TV on to drown him out. He will go until well after midnight then come upstairs to make his 2nd dinner and wake me up while he's banging around in the kitchen. 13 more days. I have two pint size versions of that.
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minnesotapaintlady
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on Jan 2, 2021 22:58:31 GMT -5
My son and I get along for the most part, but his gaming drives me INSANE. I mean I hate it with a passion. I hate that he spends all his time doing that and I hate that he is so incredibly LOUD when he's playing. If we were roommates, I would not renew the lease. Right now I'm going off to lock myself in my room and turn the TV on to drown him out. He will go until well after midnight then come upstairs to make his 2nd dinner and wake me up while he's banging around in the kitchen. 13 more days. I have two pint size versions of that. Yeah, I have the Jr. sized version as well, but at least with him I still can pull the parent card and cut him off...and he goes to bed at 8pm. Carrot was amused today when I called DS's Dad and asked him if he had any work he wanted done at his house because I knew somebody with nothing to do. Two minutes later DS's phone rings and we hear him go "Great, now Dad's calling...wonder what he has for me to do now?" (I do this often!) He was gone for 6 glorious hours helping him make venison sausage and hot dogs.
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tcu2003
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Post by tcu2003 on Jan 3, 2021 0:04:08 GMT -5
Okay, I think I finally have my 2021 goals more or less figured out. And posting here so I can check in later.
Family: 500 hours outside Visit all of our city’s parks Read to kids 325 days (or more) Vacation/explore someplace new
Home: Finish the basement Plant a vegetable garden Replace rug Paint M’s room Purge at least 500 items
Financial: Max 401k accounts and Roth IRAs for DH and me Find kids’ 529 accounts to amount we get a state income tax deduction for Set up wills/trust Don’t screw up 2021 taxes (they will significantly change for me in 2021 once I purchase shares in my employer’s S-Corp, so I will have to use a CPA for the first time) Increase our charitable giving
Personal: Read at least 36 books Increase average number of steps per day over 2020 Send at least 40 letters of appreciation to people who have positively impacted my life by my 40th birthday this summer
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jan 3, 2021 7:47:36 GMT -5
I have two pint size versions of that. Yeah, I have the Jr. sized version as well, but at least with him I still can pull the parent card and cut him off...and he goes to bed at 8pm. Carrot was amused today when I called DS's Dad and asked him if he had any work he wanted done at his house because I knew somebody with nothing to do. Two minutes later DS's phone rings and we hear him go "Great, now Dad's calling...wonder what he has for me to do now?" (I do this often!) He was gone for 6 glorious hours helping him make venison sausage and hot dogs. It always astonishes me as to how smart kids think they are when they are totally clueless to the ways of a mom with a plan
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