Addiction and Christmas and problems.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Sometime over Thanksgiving week, my BIL relasped and started drinking, heavily, again.  He'd been sober for 2 months.  He was sectioned, as he was making vague comments that were considered suicide idealation (sp).  He's out of the hospital and started all day, out patient therapy.  DH called him last night, BIL actually answered, and they had a 3 minute conversation.  DH said his brother clearly did not want to talk about himself and he wasn't going to push.  So they talked about the meal DH left for him on Sunday and what DH and the kids did to take care of the ferret. 

For anyone wondering, yes, this is DN#6's dad.  I'm not sure what kind of contact he has with her.  I think she's trafficking herself but I don't know that for certain.  She'd over 18 now and seems to be keeping an eye on my FB page, based on her liking my infrequent posts.  Which I'm interpreting to her wanting to keep in touch.  We do text occasionally and she did update me on her new phone number.  I try to treat her like I do my other adult nieces and nephews.  My kids still love her to bits so we've tried to limit contact between them and her because the trafficking and her past drug use has me concerned about my kids safety. 

My MIL is not breathing well.  She had congestive heart failure a couple of years ago and then they spent another 18 months trying to figure out where/how she was losing blood because her counts were so low.  I"m not sure they ever did figure it out but her doctors cleared her.  She goes in on Friday for a couple of checkups and I'm rather concerned that she's going to be getting a transfusion and/or hospital stay.  

I'm assuming that DH and I will be hosting Christmas day for his family.  In the past it's rotated between the 3 houses.  But I don't think either of them are going to be up for it. 

We do an open house type thing on Christmas Eve for whatever family wants to come over.  I'm planning on it being dry this year, along with Christmas day. 

What else can I do to try to make sure Christmas goes ok? 

[Tennesseer]

Not much else I can see. 

Just make sure everyone knows your door is open and all are welcome.

[Deleted]

Aside from having a dry open house, there's really nothing more you can do. Wisconsin Beth , from Al-Anon: "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it."

 

[Wisconsin Beth]

Thanks.  I want to make sure I'm not missing something obvious.  I tend to get caught up in the forest and not see the trees...

[finnime]

If there's some activity/ies you can think of that include everyone who wants to participate and provide something for others to watch, that's good. That way you don't have people just sitting and looking at each other without much to say. It should be something your kids can do, too. Play Pictionary or charades? Decorate cookies? Pass around a piece of paper and pencil and have everyone add something to the picture that you or K start? = start with a circle for a head, maybe, or just a line for a possible house, but the next person adds their own line = (That's a good one; you end up with several pictures that are very entertaining.)

Getting BIL moving will help everyone, I would think. Your MIL may just want to sit and watch.

You're such a good person to have in a family, to pull everyone together.

[raeoflyte]

Dec 11, 2019 10:17:05 GMT -5 finnime said:

If there's some activity/ies you can think of that include everyone who wants to participate and provide something for others to watch, that's good. That way you don't have people just sitting and looking at each other without much to say. It should be something your kids can do, too. Play Pictionary or charades? Decorate cookies? Pass around a piece of paper and pencil and have everyone add something to the picture that you or K start? = start with a circle for a head, maybe, or just a line for a possible house, but the next person adds their own line = (That's a good one; you end up with several pictures that are very entertaining.)

Getting BIL moving will help everyone, I would think. Your MIL may just want to sit and watch.

You're such a good person to have in a family, to pull everyone together.

I don't have any suggestions to add, but liked this one a lot and wanted to suggest "choices".  You can get it on amazon for $9 and its basically would you rather questions, which I wasn't that impressed with, but the kids have brought it to get togethers when both families get together and it has been fun and so worth it.  Gets everyone talking to each other while avoiding the stressor topics.  

Good luck.  

[bean29]

We have a few heavy drinkers in our family - and a bunch of Co-dependents that keep and eye on the drinkers for the Holiday Parties.

One of the worst is in jail (Drinking and Driving). Another problematic one should be around for Christmas. We host most of the holidays, but we will not do Christmas eve (SIL hosting, starting at 3 pm). We will go from there to my In-laws house. His family and my family both insist we must celebrate on Christmas eve. We do usually have a few family members on Christmas day, but it will be DH, me, DS, his GF, DD and possibly her BF, he is coming for Christmas eve, not sure if he will stay for Christmas Day. His Family celebrates Christmas early. DD said he said he would come, but only on the condition that we do not give him Gifts - I have not decided if I will honor that, but I probably should.  Then we always invite my Mother, MIL, and FIL (they usually come, but not always) and DH's youngest brother and his kids, and then another Brother that is a problem drinker. I don't try to keep anyone from drinking. I have a fully stocked bar, and his brothers usually bring cases of beer when they come. I just try to make sure that someone else is driving them home.

The last family gathering we had, one of the problem drinkers went out the basement door, (4 steps up) and passed out. I was giving my DH's aunt a tour, and the family at the bar just said we could not go out the back door. After his Aunt and Uncle left the told me T was passed out on the stairs. DH later decided his brother must have fallen into a Japanese Maple we have in the back landscaping b/c it is all mis-shapen and broken, They are expensive trees, but not really cold hardy. It has been growing very slowly for about 4 years and I only paid $5 at the end of season for it, so I was more concerned that there is a rose bush right next to it so it probably was a painful fall. 

One year about 5 years ago, My DS and one of my BIL's were so obnoxiously drunk I declared the bar closed.  DH was very mad at me for that.  I have been told to never do that again, but I will if I feel it is necessary.  One of DH's brothers that is more responsible usually bartends.  I was going to ask DH why there are some bottles under the sink - I don't know if they put the more expensive stuff away b/c they don't want to serve it, or if they were "hiding" certain liquor from someone. 

I have one BIL that had a very serious drinking problem, but has been clean for many years now.  He is an AA leader, and works directly for a local union.  He got one of his alcoholic brothers a job with the union, and paid his union dues, but he could not get him to quit drinking and continue the classes he needed to stay in the union.  He usually gets on the problem family members himself, and I figure if they will listen to anyone, it will be him.  I kind of count on him doing that, and like I said, we just make sure no one gets behind the wheel.  The best way is to have someone pick them up, so they don't have a car to begin with.

My SIL married to the one that no longer drinks, said she would find out that her husband would pre-drink before he went to an event, so that people did not notice how much he actually drank.  He would therefore be legally drunk, and driving his family around.  You may think that not serving alcohol will control his drinking, but if he is going to drink, he will find a way no matter what you do.

[TheOtherMe]

I don't have anything to add.  Yes, make sure there is no booze.

You are a good person, Beth.

[wvugurl26]

The activities are a good idea. Since it's an open house type thing do you have room to put out a puzzle? DH's family does this on vacation. I find it's a good thing as people wonder in and out.

[weltschmerz]

Sometime over Thanksgiving week, my BIL relasped and started drinking, heavily, again. He'd been sober for 2 months. He was sectioned, as he was making vague comments that were considered suicide idealation (sp). He's out of the hospital and started all day, out patient therapy. DH called him last night, BIL actually answered, and they had a 3 minute conversation. DH said his brother clearly did not want to talk about himself and he wasn't going to push. So they talked about the meal DH left for him on Sunday and what DH and the kids did to take care of the ferret.

The holidays are a stressful time for everyone, especially for those who are newly-sober.   Does he WANT to quit drinking or did he do it because of ultimatums? Those never work. A person must want do it for himself, not because of threats of losing a job or the wife will leave.
If he really wants to quit, but lacks the self-control, then Antabuse (combined with therapy) may help in the earlier stages.  When he sees that feels so much better without alcohol and that his relationships with others improve, it might give him the added push to abstain.

www.everydayhealth.com/drugs/antabuse

www.addictionsandrecovery.org/medications/antabuse.htm

[alabamagal]

I would make sure everyone attending knows it will be “dry” ahead of time, and why

[empress of self-improvement]

I buy myself a bottle of non-alcoholic bubbly. Other than that, I got nothing. Lately, I can't decide if I want to drink or just beat DH over the head with the bottle. One would give me the hangover while the other might improve his disposition.

Just keep an open door and open mind. You're good people Beth.

[giramomma]

Your husband is processing a lot. I would just make sure that in the hub-bub of the holidays that he also has space to work through things as he needs to. 

It's easier for me to say it's ok to even just do your nuclear family for the holidays, because that's the only thing I've grown up with. Sometimes, asking to be "on" can be too much.

And while I hate to say it, do you all have back up plans incase things go south with BIL or MIL? You know your family culture better. Some folks would want to still press forward with holiday plans. Others are OK with being authentic about what they need at that moment.

[Rukh O'Rorke]

So sorry Beth!


No advice but wishing you all the best and a smooth path through this turmoil.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Thanks everyone.  I appreciate the support and suggestions.   

To answer Welts question/comment - I don't think he can stop drinking long term, with or without meds.  I don't think he wants to stop long term either.  He's started therapy a few times and has always stopped going once he needs to actually do something or change himself. 

empress of self-improvement - I'm really glad you're choosing to stay sober.  I'd recommend not hitting your DH with the bottle.  It might shatter and you'd get hurt! 

I'm hoping to find a smoothish path. 

The good thing about this mess is that DH and I have had a couple of conversations about our own drinking habits.  And we know we're going to have to talk to the kids about it more.  Addiction runs on both sides of the family so they're going to need to be careful/aware as they age. 

[buystoys]

All I've got for you Beth are hugs.  This is part of why DH and I do the holidays alone.  There's too much family drama involved to enjoy ourselves with everyone.  I used to have the open door, but I closed it a couple of years ago.

Keeping my fingers crossed that your holiday turns out well!

[Wisconsin Beth]

It's update time. 

MIL's blood counts are low.  She got a transfusion on Friday; gets another one on Tuesday and sees her doctor again on Friday.  She's told DH that she will be able to host Christmas day.  I'm doubtful but ok.  I'm going to have a backup plan for our house, just in case.  If we don't need to host, great.  If we do, it won't be a problem.

Not real sure what's going on with BIL.  DH texted him a couple of time and didn't hear back.  They don't spend a ton of time on the phone with each other, so this is normal for them.  I guess MIL said he's doing what he's supposed to.  I did tell my family that we'd be dry on Christmas Eve. 

DH and I got a bunch of Christmas shopping done on Sunday.  We need to do a Target run and order some stuff online.  The kids and I are buying a tree tonight, we got the living room reorganized on Saturday so one will fit. 

[TheOtherMe]

I agree that it's better to be prepared to host with MIL's situation.

Good luck.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Tomorrow is going to be brutal.  DH and I are going to a funeral of our camping friend.  He was 55.  Fucking cancer. 

[bean29]

Beth, for several years when my Dad was immobile, I used to go help my Mom clean before she had family gatherings. It might make more sense for you to clean your Mom's house and plan to have family gather at her house, than to have her try to leave her home and come to yours when she is not feeling well.

Praying for your family. Sorry to hear about your camping friend.

[weltschmerz]

Sometime over Thanksgiving week, my BIL relasped and started drinking, heavily, again. He'd been sober for 2 months. He was sectioned, as he was making vague comments that were considered suicide idealation (sp). He's out of the hospital and started all day, out patient therapy. DH called him last night, BIL actually answered, and they had a 3 minute conversation. DH said his brother clearly did not want to talk about himself and he wasn't going to push. So they talked about the meal DH left for him on Sunday and what DH and the kids did to take care of the ferret.

I know this won't help him, because it's still in its early stages, but Canadian doctors at Toronto's Sunnybrook Hospital have developed a "cure" for alcohol addiction. It looks promising.   Interesting article.

www.ctvnews.ca/health/canadian-scientist-undergoes-novel-brain-stimulation-treatment-for-alcoholism-1.4729940

[bobosensei]

Dec 16, 2019 12:43:12 GMT -5 weltschmerz said:

Sometime over Thanksgiving week, my BIL relasped and started drinking, heavily, again. He'd been sober for 2 months. He was sectioned, as he was making vague comments that were considered suicide idealation (sp). He's out of the hospital and started all day, out patient therapy. DH called him last night, BIL actually answered, and they had a 3 minute conversation. DH said his brother clearly did not want to talk about himself and he wasn't going to push. So they talked about the meal DH left for him on Sunday and what DH and the kids did to take care of the ferret.

I know this won't help him, because it's still in its early stages, but Canadian doctors at Toronto's Sunnybrook Hospital have developed a "cure" for alcohol addiction. It looks promising.   Interesting article.

www.ctvnews.ca/health/canadian-scientist-undergoes-novel-brain-stimulation-treatment-for-alcoholism-1.4729940

That was an interesting read.

Wisconsin Beth the thing al-anon has taught me is to not change my life for an addict.  In the end when they do what they were going to do anyway you may be upset that you changed plans thinking it would be supportive just to find out it didn't make a difference.  And this may be your husband's family, but even if he won't go to al-anon you could try some meetings on your own if you wanted. I've found al-anon to help with all the relationships I have with people. At work especially.

[Wisconsin Beth]

And BIL is in ICU, in critical condition.  I'm told he fell down the stairs and has internal bleeding.  He's coughing up blood and it's not looking good.  L's been calling to give updates.  The last one was that she'd like someone from the family there to make any decisions necessary.  DH is picking up his parents and heading to the hospital.  BIL will need a transfusion as some kind of blood count is at 6.  He signed off on an endoscopy because they'd like to figure out where the blood is coming from but it sounds very risky. 

MIL got her second transfusion on Tuesday.  She saw her doctor today.  She's waiting until after Christmas to deal with specialists to try to figure out what's going on.  This will be her second round of specialists. 

I called DN#6.  By the time I got off the phone she was crying.  She didn't know what was going on.  I sort of tried to encourage/guilt her into telling her Mom (L#1) because I don't feel it's my place to tell her about her ex husband.  I love her but the divorce means I can't talk to her about him. 

I told my Mom, who's offering any kind of support we need.  My kids are decorating the Christmas tree.  I'm not sure what they understand and what they don't understand.  K wanted to go see BIL but thankfully the rules of ICU are no one under age of 18.

Thank God.  DN#6 called her Mom, who just called me.  She's a wreck but is going to get DN#6 to the hospital. 

[finnime]

What a harsh thing for your family to be managing, Wisconsin Beth. Good for you telling your DN #6. I hope all get some healing rest this night.

[Wisconsin Beth]

His blood pressure has stabilized.  He's able to answer some questions and do the "pressure on the hand when the letter A is said" test.  They still haven't done the endoscopy, he got bumped for a more critical case.  Which I guess is good news.  We're not sure if he's gotten the blood transfusion or not.  DH didn't notice anything red/blood like on the IV stand but maybe it's not red?  If it's platelets or only part of the blood cells?  I don't know much about transfusions. 

L#1, DN#6, L#2 (the girlfriend); DH, MIL and FIL are all there.  DH stepped out because the nurses said there were too many in the room.  The rule is 2 adults but it doesn't sound like the staff is too concerned about having 5 people in the room. 

[CCL]

Wisconsin Beth

[taz157]

Dec 20, 2019 21:54:01 GMT -5 CCL said:

Wisconsin Beth

Ditto. ((((Hugs))))

[ners]

Dec 20, 2019 21:54:01 GMT -5 CCL said:

Wisconsin Beth

[TheOtherMe]

Hope he improves Beth

[Deleted]

Wisconsin Beth