My dad

[TheOtherMe]

shanendoah  You are giving me wise advice on what I need to do with my niece and nephews.  I also know that my oldest nephew isn't being considered in any of this by my sister so I have already talked to him to see if he wants anything.


The note is an excellent idea.  I'm only taking two things, aside from pictures which they will all get a copy of in the form of access to them on Dropbox.  I have some things from when my sister and I divided up mom's things originally that I no longer want.  I have offered those to my sister and niece as I'm told the nephews don't care.  

My paternal grandmother's things were not divided up until the uncle she lived with died.  She never owned a home or any of her own furniture so it was all sentimental stuff.  The executor (a sister-in-law) had the gall to sell the things family members had given grandma so if we wanted anything, we had to buy them at her auction.  That will never happen in our family because of that humiliating experience.

Luckily, I had visited my uncle who had cared from Grandma and he gave me what I asked him for.  So I didn't have to buy one of her aprons and Grandpa's ID from where he worked in WWII.

[TheOtherMe]

Dec 9, 2019 11:04:46 GMT -5 dannylion said:

When my dad began hospice, the hospice rep who came to his nursing home to set up his care explained to me what to expect.  She said agitation in various degrees is very typical as various organ systems and brain functions start to shut down at the end of life.  If not addressed, the agitation will transition to seizures and spasming, which are painful.  According to the hospice rep, the agitation and seizures are an indication that the patient is close to death.  Low doses of drugs are given to relieve the discomfort the patient is experiencing as those things are happening.  

This is the way it happened when mom had in home hospice.  They did increase the dosages as her pain increased.  Mom went in to a coma like existed that lasted about 36 hours.  The hospice nurse said if she became agitated to give her one of the meds.  That never happened so we didn't need to do that for her.  

Dad is doing much better since he isn't feeling so much physical pain.  In the hospital, until it was determined what had happened to cause his blindness, they wouldn't give him pain meds.

We are told he has constant pain now in his head.  Better to keep him as comfortable as possible, imo.

[finnime]

I'm glad he's more comfortable now, TheOtherMe.

[nikiz628]

Dec 9, 2019 12:28:05 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Dec 9, 2019 11:04:46 GMT -5 dannylion said:

When my dad began hospice, the hospice rep who came to his nursing home to set up his care explained to me what to expect.  She said agitation in various degrees is very typical as various organ systems and brain functions start to shut down at the end of life.  If not addressed, the agitation will transition to seizures and spasming, which are painful.  According to the hospice rep, the agitation and seizures are an indication that the patient is close to death.  Low doses of drugs are given to relieve the discomfort the patient is experiencing as those things are happening.  

This is the way it happened when mom had in home hospice.  They did increase the dosages as her pain increased.  Mom went in to a coma like existed that lasted about 36 hours.  The hospice nurse said if she became agitated to give her one of the meds.  That never happened so we didn't need to do that for her.  

Dad is doing much better since he isn't feeling so much physical pain.  In the hospital, until it was determined what had happened to cause his blindness, they wouldn't give him pain meds.

We are told he has constant pain now in his head.  Better to keep him as comfortable as possible, imo.

This is how it was when my grandma went into hospice care at home (cancer). She was on a morphine pump that administered on a timer, but we were able to hit a button for an extra boost at any time if she seemed in any discomfort. Between that and the ativan, she was as comfortable as she could be. 

[TheOtherMe]

Mom didn't have a pump, but there were vials of both medications in the refrigerator that we were free to use if mom was in pain.  She would become agitated before she would say she had pain.  We learned to recognize that she was in pain by her behavior.

For whatever reason, until the meds kick in, mom would scream.  She said it made her feel better.

[NastyWoman]

Just dropping in to give some random virtual for TheOtherMe and whoever else needs them

[Chocolate Lover]

Dec 7, 2019 19:53:27 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

No Chase banks in this part of rural Iowa.  It's a local credit union.  I'm going to take it in on Monday.  It's not that far away and I want a record of everything I do with that bank account.

I use mobile banking on my account at the credit union and at my other local bank for my money.  

I have 3 different credit union accounts (I assume all are small and fairly local) and they all pretty much look alike online and on the apps. They could have an app if you feel like bothering. 

At any rate, hugs for you. 

[TheOtherMe]

Check is in the bank.  

Maybe it's because dad wouldn't even use a drive through to do his banking that I think I need to deposit the refund checks in person.  

The branch closest to me is a virtual branch, so even though I went through the drive through, the person I was talking to was somewhere else (another city).  I had never done that before, so the poor guy had to walk me through it.  

I know how to make a mobile deposit.  

[TheOtherMe]

Had to call my sister just now.  A check for $8000 hit dad's bank account today.  I knew we owed the nursing home but I had asked her to let me know the amount so I would be sure there is enough money in the account.

She got all defensive that I knew it was coming.  Yes, but not the amount.  I told her next month, money will have to be transferred from savings so the check doesn't bounce.  Oh, she didn't think about that.

She did say that hospice says dad has weeks to live and declines daily.  

[gs11rmb]

Hang in there TheOtherMe... you're doing a good job.

[Deleted]

And she has POA? She's in charge of his finances?

ETA: Cousin called the other day to let me know that my Best Aunt has been moved from the nursing wing of her home to the hospice wing. She's not eating or drinking anything. Thinks he's her long-dead husband. Her DH was a tall and muscular redhead with a long, red handlebar mustache. Cousin has a shaved head but is a blonde, no facial hair, very lean and about a head shorter. 

They live about four hours south of me, and I used to drive down every six-eight weeks. It's a hard drive, mostly on the busiest interstate in the area (in some places there are 15 lanes--two express lanes each direction), then another 20 miles or so on two-lane country roads. Trucks are supposed to stay in the two right lanes, but they don't. I just can't do it any longer because besides the heavy traffic, it makes me as nervous as a long-haired cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

Cousin said not to worry. She wouldn't know me

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Dec 12, 2019 10:23:24 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Had to call my sister just now.  A check for $8000 hit dad's bank account today.  I knew we owed the nursing home but I had asked her to let me know the amount so I would be sure there is enough money in the account.

She got all defensive that I knew it was coming.  Yes, but not the amount.  I told her next month, money will have to be transferred from savings so the check doesn't bounce.  Oh, she didn't think about that.

She did say that hospice says dad has weeks to live and declines daily.  

Well clearly somebody has to know these things because she's not willing/capable of doing her job as POA.

It's scary to contemplate that I can pick a person as my POA only to have them fail when I actually need it.   I'm assuming your dad had reasons for picking her over you but it's coming back to bite him in the booty.  It shouldn't have taken till now to get him the help he needs.

You're a good daughter OTM.  Don't let your sister get to you, she's the one that is going to have to live with her actions/behavior.

[bean29]

Dec 9, 2019 12:24:58 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

shanendoah   You are giving me wise advice on what I need to do with my niece and nephews.  I also know that my oldest nephew isn't being considered in any of this by my sister so I have already talked to him to see if he wants anything.


The note is an excellent idea.  I'm only taking two things, aside from pictures which they will all get a copy of in the form of access to them on Dropbox.  I have some things from when my sister and I divided up mom's things originally that I no longer want.  I have offered those to my sister and niece as I'm told the nephews don't care.  

My paternal grandmother's things were not divided up until the uncle she lived with died.  She never owned a home or any of her own furniture so it was all sentimental stuff.  The executor (a sister-in-law) had the gall to sell the things family members had given grandma so if we wanted anything, we had to buy them at her auction.  That will never happen in our family because of that humiliating experience.

Luckily, I had visited my uncle who had cared from Grandma and he gave me what I asked him for.  So I didn't have to buy one of her aprons and Grandpa's ID from where he worked in WWII.

That happened with my Grandmother's stuff too, but it was because of the way the will was written, they family could not stop it even though they wanted to. My Uncle who was executor is a good person, we chose not to make his life difficult and just honored whatever decisions he made.

[TheOtherMe]

Dec 12, 2019 11:00:47 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Dec 12, 2019 10:23:24 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Had to call my sister just now.  A check for $8000 hit dad's bank account today.  I knew we owed the nursing home but I had asked her to let me know the amount so I would be sure there is enough money in the account.

She got all defensive that I knew it was coming.  Yes, but not the amount.  I told her next month, money will have to be transferred from savings so the check doesn't bounce.  Oh, she didn't think about that.

She did say that hospice says dad has weeks to live and declines daily.  

Well clearly somebody has to know these things because she's not willing/capable of doing her job as POA.

It's scary to contemplate that I can pick a person as my POA only to have them fail when I actually need it.   I'm assuming your dad had reasons for picking her over you but it's coming back to bite him in the booty.  It shouldn't have taken till now to get him the help he needs.

You're a good daughter OTM.  Don't let your sister get to you, she's the one that is going to have to live with her actions/behavior.

I have no idea why my parents picked my sister to be their financial POA.  I totally understand why my niece is the medical POA.  She is my medical POA.

What has bothered me about the financial POA is that it first names "my spouse unless deceased or divorced" and then my sister.  There is another paragraph to name another person and it is marked n/a.  I guess if my sister was deceased, I would have had to go to court to do anything and get guardianship.

I told her his former employer is giving me grief and she said he won't be alive long enough for them to worry about it.  I do think she is right about that.  They tried to tell me on Tuesday that their legal department didn't like the financial POA and might need something different.  I told them he is blind and he can't sign anything and that he is in hospice.

[TheOtherMe]

I must say that I am very happy that I only left 3 blank checks for her.  All the others are in my possession.

She said I knew a check to the nursing home was coming.  True, but I had asked her to let me know the amount so it didn't overdraft.  She is so good with sending text messages, she could have given me a heads up that way.

[TheOtherMe]

Dec 12, 2019 10:47:45 GMT -5 @missrigby said:

And she has POA? She's in charge of his finances?

I have the check book.  I've been keeping a check register since mom and dad moved here in 2013.  Mom couldn't figure out the bank statements.  They got duplicate checks and gave me the duplicates and the receipt.  From there, I kept the check book.

When dad started "losing" bank statements, I went to the credit union and set up online banking which I could do because all 3 of us have signature authority and sister doesn't do online banking.  

[debthaven]

The list of what your sister DOESN'T do just keeps getting longer.

You are a wonderful daughter TheO. I'm glad your Dad is safe and more comfortable now.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Dec 12, 2019 12:25:37 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Dec 12, 2019 10:47:45 GMT -5 @missrigby said:

And she has POA? She's in charge of his finances?

I have the check book.  I've been keeping a check register since mom and dad moved here in 2013.  Mom couldn't figure out the bank statements.  They got duplicate checks and gave me the duplicates and the receipt.  From there, I kept the check book.

When dad started "losing" bank statements, I went to the credit union and set up online banking which I could do because all 3 of us have signature authority and sister doesn't do online banking.  

Your sister seems to be unable to do A LOT of things that a 21st century adult is capable of doing and if not, learning how to do it.

[Deleted]

I don't get your sister at all.  She's obviously not up to this...which is fine...but why doesn't she just let you do it?  Makes zero sense. 

Hang in there.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

If she doesn't want to be POA anymore is there a legal way to simply sign it over to you or does your dad have to be involved?   If he has to be involved I can see where it's not going to happen.

The hospice may say he has weeks but that doesn't indicate HOW MANY weeks.  I only say this because they did it with my great grandmother and she ended up hanging on WAY longer than anyone expected.  Meanwhile my grandfather died after four weeks of hospice.   You never know.

So it might be worth looking into what it might take to get her to sign over the POA to you.

[TheOtherMe]

I have a photocopy of the POA.  

With the condition dad is in, I don't see how he can hang on for a long time.  I know a specific date can't be predicted but he is making it known again that he doesn't want to be in the nursing home.  Cognitively, he is very out of it.  He was in bad shape physically when this crisis started.  

I've had aunts and uncles who lived a week or less after hospice became involved.  The husband of a friend of mine didn't even get out of the hospital.

Her words this morning were "he's declining a lot each day" and hospice says it's weeks, not months.

He looked terrible in the picture from Sunday.  At least he is clean and not alone in an apartment where all he was doing was going from the bed to his chair to sleep.

There are things I can't do either.  After sitting with my mom for a couple of days while she was in a coma and being there when she passed, I am not going to be present when he dies.  I have talked at length to my therapist about it.  I can't be there for that again. 


I mentioned the appointment for the rep payee with Social Security and she said he probably won't live that long.   Right now, dad, my sister and I are joint tenants on the bank account.  On the rep payee account, only I will have signature authority.  However, that probably won't be in effect until March and it's doubtful he lives that long.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

There are things I can't do either. After sitting with my mom for a couple of days while she was in a coma and being there when she passed, I am not going to be present when he dies. I have talked at length to my therapist about it. I can't be there for that again.

Understandable.  My dad ended up having a massive panic attack when my grandfather was passing.  He felt pressure to be there for him and his mother.   The nurses assured him it was okay and that grandpa would understand. 

I couldn't do it either, I couldn't even be there for my dog dying and I have killed untold number of mice over my career.   There is no shame in feeling the way you do.  You have the right to handle death the way that you feel you need to.   

That being said your sister is legally obligated to do her duty.   To me that is a totally different game and if it's something you cannot handle then you need to do the right thing and abdicate, not be a bitch towards the person handling it for you.

[TheOtherMe]

Dec 12, 2019 15:32:54 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

That being said your sister is legally obligated to do her duty.   To me that is a totally different game and if it's something you cannot handle then you need to do the right thing and abdicate, not be a bitch towards the person handling it for you.

Thank you for saying this.  I needed to hear everything you said, but especially the part I quoted.  

I can't believe that my parents' attorney let a financial POA be written without a back up.

[finnime]

Your sister as well as your dad are very lucky to have you, TheOtherMe. You are the de facto POA at this point, a very good thing. Wishing you strength.

I wasn't there when either of my parents died. My father went suddenly at home of a massive heart attack, with only my mother there. She was in the hospital when she died and we all knew she was going. At the same time I was coordinating moving houses and closing on the sale of my old house seven states away. I was a single mother, too. I felt like I had said my goodbyes to her when I saw her months before, when she was clearly terminal. I don't regret my decision. She died with one of my brothers at her side. She was semi-conscious but clear that this was how she wanted to go: without heroic measures. I miss her terribly but not being there at her death would have helped nothing.

[TheOtherMe]

First contact tonight from the Christmas card where I told family dad is in a nursing home.

Bracing myself for angry text messages tomorrow. Will leave phone on silent

[NastyWoman]

Dec 13, 2019 22:18:56 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

First contact tonight from the Christmas card where I told family dad is in a nursing home.

Bracing myself for angry text messages tomorrow. Will leave phone on silent

[TheOtherMe]

Have not received any.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Dec 14, 2019 19:59:23 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Have not received any.

Let me respond to anyone who is unkind to you about this situation.

[dannylion]

Dec 15, 2019 10:50:06 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Dec 14, 2019 19:59:23 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Have not received any.

Let me respond to anyone who is unkind to you about this situation.

I was about to make the same offer.  

TOM, you're doing a good job.  No one who isn't making an effort to deal with your dad and keep him safe and properly cared for as you are doing has any business commenting at all except to thank you, offer support, or offer to help.  

[debthaven]

I was thinking that the only person TheO might get an angry message from was her sister. What a surprise that would be!

TheO, the rest of your family will only be thinking good thoughts for you and your Dad.