My dad

[TheOtherMe]

Dec 5, 2019 13:27:14 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Dec 5, 2019 12:48:15 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

I'm going to go ahead and say it, your sister is a bitch.

Agreed  

[TheOtherMe]

The scan by phone worked.  Already heard from that place and dad's account is closed.

I had no idea I could scan by phone.

[nikiz628]

You are amazing TheOtherMe! 

[TheOtherMe]

If possible, I am taking today off from dad duties.  No phone calls, phone on silent.

[Deleted]

You've earned a day off! With interest.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Dec 6, 2019 8:58:09 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

If possible, I am taking today off from dad duties.  No phone calls, phone on silent.

Good for you.  Do something that brings you pleasure and/or relaxation. 

[TheOtherMe]

I've completed the errand I had to do and ordered myself some Christmas flowers.  Consider that money well spent.

Now I'm going to take a long nap.  Perfect.

[TheOtherMe]

The nap was wonderful  

There was a letter from Social Security in the mail that meant I needed to call them.  I think somebody sent the wrong letter to confirm the date for me to be appointed Rep Payee because the letter asked for the completed Rep Payee report and all documents to support the numbers.  Uh, I'm not a rep payee for my dad.  Called the local office.  They said it was not the correct letter and to bring what I was told on the phone.  So all I have to bring is the doctor's letter and my ID.

Then there was a phone message from dad's employer.  Called them and the POA was not legible and could I please mail it.  I will go back to the bank tomorrow and get two copies, since it was faxed to two places and mail it to both of them.  

In trying to save time by faxing, it cost time.  At least the solution is easy.

[TheOtherMe]

Going to get addresses on cards. Trying to decide if I should put a note about dad in the cards going to family.



I would appreciate your feedback on one part of this.



I think family would appreciate knowing. I shouldn't have to "ask" my sister for permission, should I? This isn't financial. To me, this is being considerate of family

[NastyWoman]

Dec 6, 2019 15:14:05 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Going to get addresses on cards. Trying to decide if I should put a note about dad in the cards going to family.



I would appreciate your feedback on one part of this.



I think family would appreciate knowing. I shouldn't have to "ask" my sister for permission, should I? This isn't financial. To me, this is being considerate of family

I absolutely would. And if sis grouses about not being told/asked beforehand → tough titty. That's her problem to deal with not yours. In that case just tell her that you think it is the right thing to do so you did it and, (if you are really ticked off) add that you have not provided her with the authority to edit your communications with the family, so bug off...

For whatever reason your sister is being incredible difficult and nasty to you. I understand not wanting to fight with her but you get hurt every time she gets in a snit and that is just not right

[TheOtherMe]

Thank you my friend.  Those are the exact words I needed to hear.  

I do think our family and some long time family friends should know.  

I'm also going to tell my half sister, which I know my sister won't like, but tough.  It is her father.  

I'm still trying to decide if I can go to sister's house tomorrow to go through boxes or just let her and her kids have at it.  I am not sure I can deal with my sister.  I can deal with the niece and nephews.

[finnime]

Definitely, tell close friends and family about your dad's situation. I think it would be odd if you didn't under the circumstances.

[NastyWoman]

Dec 6, 2019 15:40:08 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Thank you my friend.  Those are the exact words I needed to hear.  

I do think our family and some long time family friends should know.  

I'm also going to tell my half sister, which I know my sister won't like, but tough.  It is her father.  

I'm still trying to decide if I can go to sister's house tomorrow to go through boxes or just let her and her kids have at it.  I am not sure I can deal with my sister.  I can deal with the niece and nephews.

And that's another one: you have told your sister what you would like to have. Tell your niece/nephews as well and stay away from the rest of it. Also, don't let anything you do not want to have past your door. She is NOT going to things she doesn't want to get rid off (but is too "sentimental" to toss) in your house. If anyone shows up with anything beside those three items just tell them, sorry but I don't have room for that. Please take it back to sis to deal with

TheOtherMe, you are a wonderful person and deserve to be respected. Whether sis likes it or not → this is your life to live, not hers.

[Chocolate Lover]

Dec 6, 2019 16:06:17 GMT -5 NastyWoman said:

Dec 6, 2019 15:40:08 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Thank you my friend.  Those are the exact words I needed to hear.  

I do think our family and some long time family friends should know.  

I'm also going to tell my half sister, which I know my sister won't like, but tough.  It is her father.  

I'm still trying to decide if I can go to sister's house tomorrow to go through boxes or just let her and her kids have at it.  I am not sure I can deal with my sister.  I can deal with the niece and nephews.

And that's another one: you have told your sister what you would like to have. Tell your niece/nephews as well and stay away from the rest of it. Also, don't let anything you do not want to have past your door. She is NOT going to things she doesn't want to get rid off (but is too "sentimental" to toss) in your house. If anyone shows up with anything beside those three items just tell them, sorry but I don't have room for that. Please take it back to sis to deal with

TheOtherMe , you are a wonderful person and deserve to be respected. Whether sis likes it or not → this is your life to live, not hers.

Had to quote to give more thumbs up.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Dec 6, 2019 15:14:05 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Going to get addresses on cards. Trying to decide if I should put a note about dad in the cards going to family.



I would appreciate your feedback on one part of this.



I think family would appreciate knowing. I shouldn't have to "ask" my sister for permission, should I? This isn't financial. To me, this is being considerate of family

Your sister does not have the right to tell you you can't disclose your father's condition and whereabouts to other family members.  If she does get in a snit that says worlds about her and where her priorities are.  They sure as hell aren't with your father or his well being that's for damn sure.

And I applaud your decorum.   My brother would be a smear on the pavement by now if he behaved like your sister.  I fully expect he would do the same to me.

[TheOtherMe]

I don't know what is in the boxes.  

I already told her the photos that are there that I want.  I asked her if she would put them on the wall and she said she would keep them in a box.  I said they are going on my wall so I want them.  She said okay.

I'm only getting two of the three things I wanted.  She power tripped on that.  I told her her kids were not part of the selection process and since her son got the washer and dryer that I wanted, that was her pick #1.  She said her daughter wanted the most important thing to me on my short list.  I put my foot down on that and made that my selection.

Of course, sister then picked the next item on her list.  

I added one thing to the list--a coat tree that my grandpa made and she said I could have it.  

I can't imagine there is anything else I want.  Mom had this collection of bells.  I know I gave her some, but I don't want a single bell.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

WTF is it with people and belongings?   My mother's cousins are like that, they won't  lift a finger to help but the moment it comes to divvying up stuff there they are right there.

They ripped my grandfather's hand crafted workbench out of the basement wall.  Took all his tools which my mother wanted my brother to have.   They showed up after my parents went back to work so they weren't there to stop them.  I know my grandmother had the right to tell them to take whatever they wanted, but since it was only 2 days after the freaking funeral and they had had NOTHING to do with my grandparents or my mother for years you know damn well they were taking advantage of a grieving widow.


Shameful.  Your sister is cut from the same cloth.

[TheOtherMe]

Because dad left his apartment so quickly, everything was moved to her house.  She wants it gone as it's overtaken the garage and family room.  Being in a hurry, stuff was just put in boxes and totes and moved.  

We didn't want to pay another month's rent on the apartment and his stuff was out before the end of the month.  1 day to spare.

Would you believe the facility told her we did not give proper notice.  How do you give notice when it was an emergency?

Same for Meals on Wheels.  We each called to cancel his meals.  They told me it had already been canceled.  They told her they required 48 hours notice, so dad would be charged for 2 more meals.  On the bill, it says to send what you can afford to pay.  He can't afford to pay for those two meals.  That we did decide together.

If places that deal with senior citizens can not understand that their lives can change in an instant, they shouldn't be working in that field  

Dad had no plans to  lose his vision, be hospitalized for a week and then go to a nursing home--on doctor's orders plus no assisted living facility would take him because he is now blind.

[TheOtherMe]

One of my cousins did give me the porch swing my grandpa made.  He was a carpenter and gave each of his children a porch swing.  Mom sold hers when we moved to the big city.  

So I have the porch swing, the quilt grandma made for me, the quilt great grandma made (that sister changed her mind about after giving it to me) and a few other sentimental things that I won't let go of.

I told her if the 1952 Iowa All Events bowling trophy is there, I would like it and she said fine.  That was dad's prized possession.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I would believe it.   My goal is to  never get sick and never get old.  I want to die of a heart attack in my sleep.

[TheOtherMe]

Dec 6, 2019 16:38:02 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I would believe it.   My goal is to  never get sick and never get old.  I want to die of a heart attack in my sleep.

We truly hoped one of those days when dad didn't answer the phone and the paper was outside when one of us got there, that dad would have died in his sleep.  That didn't happen.

[Deleted]

One of the things I did after DH died is to try and make sure that things went back (or to) the people who would treasure them.  He had a collage of his goddaughter and him through the years, several other family (hers) photos, and a 50-photo box after one of her classmates did a photo shoot.  I sent them to her.  The box was labeled, "Everything Jennifer," which I thought would please her.  There were pictures of his best friend's family over the years (the goddaughter's parents) that I sent to them.  There were family photos that I made a few copies of and gave to his niece while she was here for the funeral.

I got zero thanks except from the niece.  I was stunned.

There is a card that one of his friends sent him.  Her daughter made it when she was six, and she was waiting for the special person to send it to.  She sent it to him.  Although she wrote him a message, I am going to send it back to her.  It was obviously important to her.  DH appreciated it, and I will write her that.  But it needs to go to her, not be stuck in a box for my own children who have no idea who these people are.

TheOtherMe , I don't understand why your sister is being so selfish.  Maybe it is her way of holding on to your dad, but it sucks.

[TheOtherMe]

Dec 6, 2019 19:24:58 GMT -5 @bamafan1954 said:

TheOtherMe , I don't understand why your sister is being so selfish.  Maybe it is her way of holding on to your dad, but it sucks.

It does and maybe it is.  He can't go on forever.  That's why he is in hospice

[TheOtherMe]

Went to bank and they made two copies of the POA.  Mailed it to the two places where I faxed it last week.  

That means every place I am aware of that needs the POA, has the POA.

I will receive the refund for dad's newspaper in today's mail.  I don't have his accounts set up for mobile deposit and I don't think I am going to do that.

[CCL]

If it's a Chase account, all you need to do is download the app. Don't know about other banks, but I would think the other big banks would be very similar.

[TheOtherMe]

No Chase banks in this part of rural Iowa.  It's a local credit union.  I'm going to take it in on Monday.  It's not that far away and I want a record of everything I do with that bank account.

I use mobile banking on my account at the credit union and at my other local bank for my money.  

[jerseygirl]

Nov 25, 2019 17:25:33 GMT -5 Blonde Granny said:

Hospice frequently uses morphine and antivan when needed.  Morphine in case the patient has any pain, and antivan if patient might feel any anxiety.

[

My sister came home with hospice, she was clapping and smiling so glad to be home from hospital
She was having difficulty breathing, seemed agitated and restless. The hospice nurse gave her Ativan and morphine, said low doses
Nurse left and 10 min later my sister stopped breathing and died. The morphine and Ativan killed her, she was home only 3 hours
I’m so sad but couldn’t wish her to be struggling but wondering if she could have recovered as she had before. But know she was having more difficulty, in hospital 3x in last month

[TheOtherMe]

I'm sorry for your loss.  I know you are grieving, but the drugs most likely did not kill your sister.

Here to receive hospice care, a patient must have a terminal diagnosis with a life expectancy of less than 6 months.  My dad is in hospice care.  The expected result is his death.

My mom was in hospice care.  She passed away.  She had a terminal diagnosis and lived longer than her diagnosis but she still died.  

Patients receive hospice care because they have a terminal diagnosis.

[dannylion]

When my dad began hospice, the hospice rep who came to his nursing home to set up his care explained to me what to expect.  She said agitation in various degrees is very typical as various organ systems and brain functions start to shut down at the end of life.  If not addressed, the agitation will transition to seizures and spasming, which are painful.  According to the hospice rep, the agitation and seizures are an indication that the patient is close to death.  Low doses of drugs are given to relieve the discomfort the patient is experiencing as those things are happening.  

[shanendoah]

*hugs* TheOtherMe as you keep going through this. Since you have such a good relationship with your nieces and nephews, and no kids of your own, I would suggest you reach out to them and say - I have taken item X from Mom & Dad's place, because they were my parents and these are important memories to me. But I recognize that they were your grandparents and you have important memories, too. If I took anything that you want, let me know, and I will make a note of it so that you get it when I pass.


Your sister reminds me very much of my aunt. Her children were the only two grandkids that grew up around my grandparents. My grandparents spoiled them rotten. (Well, rotten in her and her daughter's case. No real idea how her son has turned out as great as he did.) They got each of them Mustangs when they turned 16. Her daughter took my grandfather's dog tags at some point when she was a teenager, and his bomber jacket (he was a navigator in bombers during WWII). And yet, after he died, and the whole family was there, and we were talking about dividing up things, and my brother would say something like "Papa told me I could have that" she would say "No, Papa promised that to my son." Throughout, she would make comments about how she was just afraid that she and her kids were going to end up with nothing from my grandparents. Mind you, her son (who again, is an amazing young man), got just about all of their furniture because he had just bought a house and lived near enough that nothing had to be shipped - their hand-crafted, purchased while they lived in Japan after WWII, furniture. Her daughter also took a lot of things.
At one point, my Uncle came storming out of my grandparents' bedroom and pressed something into my hand. It was a single US pin and a single Oak Leaf pin (Papa was a retired Lt Col in the Air Force) from Papa's uniforms. He didn't say anything, but it was his way of making sure I got something tangible from my grandfather.
It was not a pretty sight. However, I think my brother and I both being there to witness that means that when our parents pass, we'll be better about dividing things up. So hopefully this means your nieces and nephews are also learning an important lesson for the future.