My dad

[Deleted]

TheOtherMe, I think that's the best idea. Let's hope she agrees. If she's as averse to navigating any of this as she seems to be, she'll probably be grateful and relieved.

[Deleted]

TheOtherMe How did your day go? Any progress? I've thought good thoughts on your behalf today.

[Deleted]

I am so sorry this is happening to you.  DH was easy because he was internet literate.  I had his password list, and I simply logged on and paid his bills.  His SS was automatically deposited into his account, which I was joint on.  That was important because he forgot how to form the letters to sign his name shortly before the end.  So I wrote the few checks he wanted to write.

If your dad is willing, you can actually do a few things without your sister.  Blindness doesn't  equal incompetency.  DH couldn't hear, which made phone conversations difficult.  When I wanted to talk to someone like the insurance company or CC companies, I just had to have DH authorize me to speak for him.  They did ask him a few questions like his birthdate and sometimes one of his security questions.  But if your dad is confused about what is going on with his money, this may not work too well.  It may make him paranoid that you are trying to steal it.  You know better than we do his condition.

We care about you!  Remember that.  I couldn't have made it through the last several months without this board.

[TheOtherMe]

Dec 3, 2019 18:25:29 GMT -5 @missrigby said:

TheOtherMe How did your day go? Any progress? I've thought good thoughts on your behalf today.

I got very sick.  I'm sure it was stress over this so nothing happened yesterday.

I can't deal with her today so I emailed her to tell her that and that this financial stuff needs to get done ASAP.

She is dropping off a copy of the POA and permission to be her this afternoon.  I actually told her to put it between the front doors as I can't deal with her today.

Then she had the audacity to ask when I'm coming over to go through mom and dad's stuff.  Well, it won't be today and it won't be until the phone calls are made and faxes are sent.  

She said it will be late afternoon, so I will spend tomorrow on phone calls and probably a trip to town to fax the POA.

[TheOtherMe]

Dec 3, 2019 20:25:21 GMT -5 @bamafan1954 said:

I am so sorry this is happening to you.  DH was easy because he was internet literate.  I had his password list, and I simply logged on and paid his bills.  His SS was automatically deposited into his account, which I was joint on.  That was important because he forgot how to form the letters to sign his name shortly before the end.  So I wrote the few checks he wanted to write.

If your dad is willing, you can actually do a few things without your sister.  Blindness doesn't  equal incompetency.  DH couldn't hear, which made phone conversations difficult.  When I wanted to talk to someone like the insurance company or CC companies, I just had to have DH authorize me to speak for him.  They did ask him a few questions like his birthdate and sometimes one of his security questions.  But if your dad is confused about what is going on with his money, this may not work too well.  It may make him paranoid that you are trying to steal it.  You know better than we do his condition.

We care about you!  Remember that.  I couldn't have made it through the last several months without this board.

Thank you.

Right now dad is so confused by everything that has happened to him, he doesn't know a lot about anything.  It's easier for me to do it.

For one of the calls (with his former employer), there is a script that I would need to write down and then dad would say the words to them.  He can't read them to say them and I do not want to stress him out over this.  That's on his Medicare Part D.  It's may be too late to do anything with them, but I will try once I have the POA in my hands.  The last guy I spoke to there said they can override the system this last week if they know the POA is on the way.

[snapdragon]

Sending good thoughts and well wishes your way TOM. Please feel better soon. I know how much stress can affect the body and it sucks.

[TheOtherMe]

Stress has always affected me and it's always been my stomach--since I was a little kid.

[Deleted]

Deep breaths is all I can offer. Rest again today. Maybe some Campbell's chicken noodle soup would help. In your shoes I'd probably be reduced to a blubbering mess in a corner. I'm sending virtual moral support.

[Iggy aka IG]

TheOtherMe

I would do the same thing-insist sis take care of the pressing things first, as well as have her put the documents in the doors.  When stressed I am a cocoon type person and do not want to interact with anyone.  Probably for their own good. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Dec 4, 2019 11:01:44 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Dec 3, 2019 18:25:29 GMT -5 @missrigby said:

TheOtherMe How did your day go? Any progress? I've thought good thoughts on your behalf today.

I got very sick.  I'm sure it was stress over this so nothing happened yesterday.

I can't deal with her today so I emailed her to tell her that and that this financial stuff needs to get done ASAP.

She is dropping off a copy of the POA and permission to be her this afternoon.  I actually told her to put it between the front doors as I can't deal with her today.

Then she had the audacity to ask when I'm coming over to go through mom and dad's stuff.  Well, it won't be today and it won't be until the phone calls are made and faxes are sent.  

She said it will be late afternoon, so I will spend tomorrow on phone calls and probably a trip to town to fax the POA.

Tell her you don't know how to go through stuff so she'll be responsible for it all. 

[finnime]

Wishing you strength and peace, TheOtherMe. This is harsh stuff to be wading through. The caustic effect is bond to hurt you.

[TheOtherMe]

Dec 4, 2019 11:21:47 GMT -5 Iggy aka IG said:

TheOtherMe

I would do the same thing-insist sis take care of the pressing things first, as well as have her put the documents in the doors.  When stressed I am a cocoon type person and do not want to interact with anyone.  Probably for their own good. 

It's definitely for her own good.  Definitely

[TheOtherMe]

Dec 4, 2019 11:23:30 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Dec 4, 2019 11:01:44 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

I got very sick.  I'm sure it was stress over this so nothing happened yesterday.

I can't deal with her today so I emailed her to tell her that and that this financial stuff needs to get done ASAP.

She is dropping off a copy of the POA and permission to be her this afternoon.  I actually told her to put it between the front doors as I can't deal with her today.

Then she had the audacity to ask when I'm coming over to go through mom and dad's stuff.  Well, it won't be today and it won't be until the phone calls are made and faxes are sent.  

She said it will be late afternoon, so I will spend tomorrow on phone calls and probably a trip to town to fax the POA.

Tell her you don't know how to go through stuff so she'll be responsible for it all. 

I would if there except there are a few things I want.  I know I want 3 pieces of furniture and that's it.

Also some pictures that are important to me.  I don't know if she wants those or not, but I know there are some special photos of me and I want those.

Before she was born, my parents rented an apartment above a photography studio.  I had all kinds of professional photos taken of me that were framed and on the walls of the apartment now.  I want those.  

My parents could never have afforded those photos and they didn't have to pay for them.

[TheOtherMe]

I am thinking this is what she wanted all along, regarding the phone calls.  

If this didn't have to be done, I would refuse.

[TheOtherMe]

I just call both dad's credit union and my bank.

The credit union was going to charge $5 per page to fax.

My bank will do it for free because of the circumstances.  I don't know if it's because we are in rural Iowa, but people actually are compassionate if you let them be.  Their website says $2 per page. 

So two phone calls and I know where I will be going to send the faxes.  It's about a 7 minute drive from here and they know who I am.  All it took was telling them why I need to send faxes.  

[dannylion]

Dec 4, 2019 13:59:10 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

I just call both dad's credit union and my bank.

The credit union was going to charge $5 per page to fax.

My bank will do it for free because of the circumstances.  I don't know if it's because we are in rural Iowa, but people actually are compassionate if you let them be.  Their website says $2 per page. 

So two phone calls and I know where I will be going to send the faxes.  It's about a 7 minute drive from here and they know who I am.  All it took was telling them why I need to send faxes.  

Your sister apparently hasn't learned that all the anticipation, what if's, and dread associated with thinking about something that has to be done are often far worse than actually doing it turns out to be.  And, as you pointed out, it pays to give people the chance to be kind and helpful.  While people can certainly be awful, they can also surprise you sometimes if given the opportunity.  

Kudos again for moving forward and getting things done.  

[debthaven]

Oh poor TheO I'm so sorry to hear that you were sick today, but I'm so glad it's finally getting done! Shame on your sister for letting it get to that point. She could have given you that POA a week ago and spared you some of that aggravation.

What Dannylion says is SO true (but of course YOU know that!)

[shanendoah]

TheOtherMe - Is there somewhere you could take the POA and get it scanned in? My home printer will scan things as .jpgs and all of the printers at work will scan them as .pdfs. When I was dealing with MIL's issue, having a scanned copy of the POA that I could email from wherever I was was super helpful, and often let them receive the POA while we were on the same phone call, so we could deal with everything right then.

[TheOtherMe]

shanendoah I can scan on my printer, which I will do in the morning.

All phone calls will get made in the morning and faxes sent in the afternoon.  

My sister hasn't told me the cost of the nursing home.  Money is going to have to be transferred monthly to cover it for however long it lasts.

Hospice is involved and is keeping him comfortable

[TheOtherMe]

Dec 4, 2019 16:08:24 GMT -5 dannylion said:

Dec 4, 2019 13:59:10 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

I just call both dad's credit union and my bank.

The credit union was going to charge $5 per page to fax.

My bank will do it for free because of the circumstances.  I don't know if it's because we are in rural Iowa, but people actually are compassionate if you let them be.  Their website says $2 per page. 

So two phone calls and I know where I will be going to send the faxes.  It's about a 7 minute drive from here and they know who I am.  All it took was telling them why I need to send faxes.  

Your sister apparently hasn't learned that all the anticipation, what if's, and dread associated with thinking about something that has to be done are often far worse than actually doing it turns out to be.  And, as you pointed out, it pays to give people the chance to be kind and helpful.  While people can certainly be awful, they can also surprise you sometimes if given the opportunity.  

Kudos again for moving forward and getting things done.  

While I know this is about my dad, I have made much harder phone calls in my working life.

When I worked at the IRS, we called people to tell them they were under audit.  That could be very interesting, to say the least.

These people I'm calling now are professional.  They just have to cover their rear ends legally.

[startsmart]

TheO - I hope you get a chance to rest and feel better soon. You’re handling this a lot better than I would’ve! I’m very tempted to tell your sister to get off her high horse and do the job your parents entrusted her to do. Oh and sister TheO decided she “doesn’t do cleaning” so she’ll have to manage all of the stuff herself. Then, when she complained I’d remind her that dad is in a new home, in hospice, blind and probably scared too - he doesn’t need the stress of turning over POA to you because she’s not willing to do what’s right for his finances.

[TheOtherMe]

I found out I could scan the POA on my phone, so that's done.

I am ticked at her again today.  She wants mom and dad's stuff out of her house ASAP.  I emailed her last night with 3 pieces of furniture I would like.  Her response is that mom promised one of them to my niece.  Mom never told me that.  She did tell me about one knick knack that goes to my niece.  

I responded to my sister that I let her son have the washer and dryer and I am having the 3 pieces of furniture that I would like.

She is insistent that she go to Social Security with me.  I told her all I'm going to do is sign paperwork so I don't know why she has to be there.  She says she is going to I gave her the date and time and told her it will take about 10 minutes.  Also told her to read on the Social Security website what a rep payee does.

It's my opinion that she is trying to make this harder than it needs to be.  At least she finally told me the base rate for the nursing home.   She doesn't even know what medications hospice has dad on but it's "something".

Thanks startsmart for caring.  People here care a lot more about my well being than my sister does.  Yes, dad has been moved twice and is blind.  I can not imagine how afraid he must be.

[flamingo]

Hugs, TheOtherMe. I'm so sorry your sister is making an already difficult situation more so. It boggles my mind, because if I told my sister, get me these 2 things and I'll take care of all of it, she'd get me the stuff so quick your head would spin. 

I'm thankful my parents have made it clear to both us from the start that I'm in charge of this when the time comes that they need help. Also, for all of my sister's faults and issues, I'm grateful that she realizes that she'd be terrible at this. I'm watching my mom navigate issues with my grandparents with the (non)help of her 2 brothers and it is a nightmare. 

I hope you start to feel better physically soon and that you can find some peace in all of this. 

[Wisconsin Beth]

So many hugs and good wishes for you TheOtherMe.  I hope today goes smoothly, no matter what you need/have to do. 

[finnime]

Good for you doing what needs to be done, TheOtherMe. Pox on your sister.

Of course your father must be frightened and confused. I wish you continued strength and peace as you negotiate the next steps.

[TheOtherMe]

Thank you all.

I finally decided email was not working and I called her.  That was after the last email implied she didn't trust me with the POA.      She wanted an accounting of everywhere I have used it.  Hello!  You won't make the calls.

I used it three times today to take care of things that have to be done.  

I won the battle of the most important to me thing I wanted.  So then she said it was her choice and she picked something from my list of 3 things.  

I said I would like mom's chair.  She said she can't sit in it (which I already knew) but she isn't sure she can be without it.  

She is going to have her husband burn the mattress.  She said it was the worst mattress she had ever seen.

[TheOtherMe]

I did cry because even though dad has never said he is in pain, the doctors have said that he is in constant pain from the pressure on his temples and optic nerves that caused his blindness.  Thankfully, hospice is there and he is as pain free as they can make him.

She did say he is quite enjoying being fed.  He has a roommate.  The nursing home said since he is blind, they didn't want him alone and this guy is a busybody type who will not hesitate to get help if dad needs it.  

The activities person is trying to figure out something that can keep dad occupied.  He went to music at the other place.  They are trying to figure out a way for him to play bingo.

They have taught him to drink out of a cup.  They make him use both hands.

[Iggy aka IG]

TheOtherMe, your last post made me smile.  Sounds like Dad is doing really well, considering.  Being fed, having a roommate, music and bingo.  How delightful.  And drinking out of a cup.  It's the simple things. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Dec 5, 2019 12:48:15 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Thank you all.

I finally decided email was not working and I called her.  That was after the last email implied she didn't trust me with the POA.      She wanted an accounting of everywhere I have used it.  Hello!  You won't make the calls.

I used it three times today to take care of things that have to be done.  

I won the battle of the most important to me thing I wanted.  So then she said it was her choice and she picked something from my list of 3 things.  

I said I would like mom's chair.  She said she can't sit in it (which I already knew) but she isn't sure she can be without it.  

She is going to have her husband burn the mattress.  She said it was the worst mattress she had ever seen.

I'm going to go ahead and say it, your sister is a bitch.

[TheOtherMe]

Dec 5, 2019 13:10:03 GMT -5 Iggy aka IG said:

TheOtherMe , your last post made me smile.  Sounds like Dad is doing really well, considering.  Being fed, having a roommate, music and bingo.  How delightful.  And drinking out of a cup.  It's the simple things. 

If I don't smile, I'd cry.  

He's now living in sweats instead of blue jeans.  That is at the insistence of hospice.  

The simple things are what really matters and I do know he is where he needs to be.