My dad

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Dec 21, 2019 10:23:11 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Drama, I'm already isolated, very isolated.

I looked at sister's photos again and had the exact same reaction I had last night.  The photos should be about dad's life, not her life.

Well you have us. If you're ever in the mood for a drive I'm in southwest Iowa.

[NastyWoman]

From the other side of the worls sending you  And don't you forget that with the oassing of your dad, Sis no longer has any power over you. 

If Sis asks or commands you to do something, think very carefully about it and if, but only if, you want want to do that work do it, otherwise answer with a plain "no thanks. I will not be able to do that" That is enough, no explanations as to the why, no defending your reasons, NOTHING! Walk away and save yourself the grief she will give you

[Deleted]

I still think it's guilt. All those pix? So that everybody who knew him will know how "close" he was to her and her family.

[TheOtherMe]

The photos added today are about dad's life, from his childhood through last Father's Day.  That is a tribute to a person.

I counted.  She has 6 photos of dad at Dnephew3's house--all on the same day.  Different people, but one picture from that day was enough.

[TheOtherMe]

I went to sleep at a decent time last night, but I woke up about 2:30 and could not go back to sleep.  The bed here isn't comfortable, so that was probably part of it.

The room does have a couch.  I moved to the couch and have had about a 3 hour nap.

Trying to get myself ready for the visitation.  I do have an exit plan if need be.  I did go down and have yogurt.  That should help.  Going to drink some water.  I know I'm dehydrated from lack of food and water.

[plugginaway22]

Hang in there, focus on chatting with the people who come to honor your Dad, it will all help with the grief process.  Steer yourself away from drama filled Sister.

[finnime]

It will be exhausting, so it's good you're taking steps to care for yourself, TheOtherMe. Be especially good to yourself for the next few days. And plugginaway22 is right, people are going to come mostly to say goodbye to your dad and express condolences to you. You just need to look out for your own needs right now.

[TheOtherMe]

Dec 22, 2019 11:10:54 GMT -5 finnime said:

It will be exhausting, so it's good you're taking steps to care for yourself, TheOtherMe . Be especially good to yourself for the next few days. And plugginaway22 is right, people are going to come mostly to say goodbye to your dad and express condolences to you. You just need to look out for your own needs right now.

Since I don't know what is happening tomorrow because I have not been told, I have no choice but to just go along with her schedule.  Same for today.  She didn't tell me what time the family is gathering so the funeral home director suggested it would be best just to show up for the 2 hours and if I can't handle it, to bail.

Yes, I am going to take care of my needs and not be too concerned about those of others.

I don't know how much talking to people I want to do.

[seriousthistime]

At the end of a loved one's life, guilt gets played out all sorts of ways and people can get very self-centered and try to make it seem different than it really was.  Grief does that to people.  With the photos it's likely Sis's memories of Dad are her strongest when he was with her kids, and she wants her strongest memories to be represented because she thinks it was an important part of his life.  

And some folks can get very irrational and selfish when it comes to splitting up meaningless items.  My mother used to talk about a couple of her siblings fighting over my grandma's toothpick holder.  It was nothing special, not valuable; just a toothpick holder.  It's like, oh you want that?  I want it more.

My memories trump your memories. 

Hugs, TheOtherMe. 

[TheOtherMe]

The funeral director thanked me for providing the "old" family photos.  He said that is what people enjoy seeing.

It was all family except for a friend who my parents introduced to her husband and a friend of mine.

Sister did a good job on the flowers, having them mix in Christmas greens.  

Today was hard, with lots of talk and tears.  Tomorrow will be harder.

I now know the order of things tomorrow.  Since I'm staying overnight, I will stop at the funeral home on my way back from the cemetery and get everything that we brought plus the flowers.  There were not many flowers.  A few plants, a wreath and then a lovely placque.

I think 75 for lunch is going to be too high.  Most of the people who came today can't come tomorrow.  

I did get to speak directly to the funeral director about me needed to be in the family room.  He had misunderstood what I told the student yesterday (probably the student misundestood) and was going to open the family room.  I want it to be me and my cousin.  She already knew that is what is happening tomorrow without my asking.  My sister immediately told him that she doesn't want the family room at all and it's only for me and my cousin.

Dad had written a full obituary.  It just needed some updating.  When mom died there was not much of anything and we wrote the obituary.  

Sister did find the special trophy from when dad won the state bowling tournament in 1952.  She also said she found a  photo album and it was in a strange place.  She is going to give it to me so I can scan it.

The two albums of photos I had from my dad's brother are now on the way home with  him.  

I survived.  One more day.

[lund]

My sincere condolences, TOM.

Please take good care of yourself, and if possible ignore your sister's inconsiderate behavior.
I hope that her children behave/will behave better.

[dogmom]

Theo, please take care of yourself. 

Sending healing wishes.

[TheOtherMe]

Her kids are fine.  If nothing else we have DNephew3's girlfriend who has been cracking jokes constantly.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Hugs Theo. 

[Tennesseer]

Dec 23, 2019 7:44:59 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Her kids are fine.  If nothing else we have DNephew3's girlfriend who has been cracking jokes constantly.

I happen to often do the same thing at wakes and funerals. Most folks appreciate it lightening up the mood.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Dear Theo,

I’m so sorry. I’ve been wrapped up with work since the beginning of November and just had a chance to read this thread.

I wish you peace and comfort in the days ahead. You are a loving, caring, daughter who fought hard for your father’s well-being under difficult circumstances.

Having lost my own parents, might I just say that, unless you know that your sister guided/manipulated your parents into making her the POA, perhaps instead your sister never wanted the roles your parents placed on her but did not know how to decline or change them? Her difficult behavior might have been avoidance — not the mature way to handle things but not all that uncommon in families. Perhaps she was subconsciously hoping you, as the oldest, would just take control all the while also not wanting to defy your parents’ wishes? That’s an impossible situation to be in. Just a thought to help you process it all.

Please know that you are not alone, that we care, and that you were a good and faithful daughter to your parents until their last breaths. Hugs.

[nikiz628]

Dec 23, 2019 10:49:23 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Dec 23, 2019 7:44:59 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Her kids are fine.  If nothing else we have DNephew3's girlfriend who has been cracking jokes constantly.

I happen to often do the same thing at wakes and funerals. Most folks appreciate it lightening up the mood.

I do this as well. I think it's my coping mechanism for the tension/sadness in the room. 

[Tennesseer]

Dec 23, 2019 16:01:10 GMT -5 nikiz628 said:

Dec 23, 2019 10:49:23 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

I happen to often do the same thing at wakes and funerals. Most folks appreciate it lightening up the mood.

I do this as well. I think it's my coping mechanism for the tension/sadness in the room. 

Mine too. I also don't like to see people sad. I know it's part of the grieving process but a break from it, even for a few seconds, isn't bad (IMHO).

[TheOtherMe]

Dad is now where he has wanted to be.  He is resting with mom and they will be spending Christmas together.

I have everything to take back in my car and here in the hotel room.  

There is a card from someone who I don't know the name and one person was there who I don't know.  I spent more time in this town than my sister ever did so we will see if she knows who they are.

We did have a pleasant surprise this morning.  One of my cousin's brought her 6 month old grandson.  He's considered a miracle because his mom was battling Stage IV colon cancer when he was conceived.  Nothing like a baby to break tension.

The service was lovely.  Even though our family only sees each other now at funerals, it is now to see them.

My mom's baby brother is concerned we will not be back in town until his funeral.  We have to make sure that doesn't happen.

[snapdragon]

Dec 23, 2019 17:09:58 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Dad is now where he has wanted to be.  He is resting with mom and they will be spending Christmas together.

I have everything to take back in my car and here in the hotel room.  

There is a card from someone who I don't know the name and one person was there who I don't know.  I spent more time in this town than my sister ever did so we will see if she knows who they are.

We did have a pleasant surprise this morning.  One of my cousin's brought her 6 month old grandson.  He's considered a miracle because his mom was battling Stage IV colon cancer when he was conceived.  Nothing like a baby to break tension.

The service was lovely.  Even though our family only sees each other now at funerals, it is now to see them.

My mom's baby brother is concerned we will not be back in town until his funeral.  We have to make sure that doesn't happen.

The only person who can do anything about visiting your uncle is you. Ignore your sister and plan on visiting other parts of your family more often if that helps you out. Don't expect for the both of you to do things together because you never really have. Now that the connection of your parents are gone I expect that you both will be going in different orbits and not really connecting to much any more. Which is normal and healthy and fine. 

Take care of YOU because nobody else will and take time for yourself and attempt to step back from the high emotion that your sister has been heaping on you right now. 

[TheOtherMe]

I had my phone on silent during the funeral.  Many hours later when I looked at my phone, Dad's pension people had left a message.  When I got here, I called them back.  They started telling me there is a problem with the financial POA.  I told them it didn't matter because he has died.

That ended that conversation and started the next one.  

How soon can you get us a copy of the death certificate.  Uh, when we get it.  The funeral director said it will probably be a bit slower because of the holidays and be after the first of the year.  I can't send you something I don't have.

[shanendoah]

TheOtherMe - Thinking of you. It's nearly over now. Give yourself permission to turn your phone to silent over the next few days. Turtle. Text the nieces and nephews and let them know you just need a break. Ignore anyone who wants you to do something, except Lucy cat. Just let yourself be for a week. Nothing is so urgent that it cannot wait until 2020.

[TheOtherMe]

I have to call dad’s bank in the morning as he is owed one last pension check. I don’t want them to reject it. That happened to mom’s pension.

I have a plant in my car that will not be coming in the house. Sister will have to pick it up since it’s from her friends.

Everything else is waiting and phone is going on silent. I need rest, peace and quiet

[nikiz628]

Dec 23, 2019 19:26:23 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

I have to call dad’s bank in the morning as he is owed one last pension check. I don’t want them to reject it. That happened to mom’s pension.

I have a plant in my car that will not be coming in the house. Sister will have to pick it up since it’s from her friends.

Everything else is waiting and phone is going on silent. I need rest, peace and quiet

Yes, please do and enjoy that silence. 

[TheOtherMe]

Dec 23, 2019 19:26:23 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

I have to call dad’s bank in the morning as he is owed one last pension check. I don’t want them to reject it. That happened to mom’s pension.

I have a plant in my car that will not be coming in the house. Sister will have to pick it up since it’s from her friends.

Everything else is waiting and phone is going on silent. I need rest, peace and quiet

Changed mind on bank.  Will deal with Thursday.

Got home and brought everything in house.  House is a disaster.

Sent text to sister about plant.  She wants to go through stuff from funeral home.  Not today.  

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Dec 24, 2019 13:39:29 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Dec 23, 2019 19:26:23 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

I have to call dad’s bank in the morning as he is owed one last pension check. I don’t want them to reject it. That happened to mom’s pension.

I have a plant in my car that will not be coming in the house. Sister will have to pick it up since it’s from her friends.

Everything else is waiting and phone is going on silent. I need rest, peace and quiet

Changed mind on bank.  Will deal with Thursday.

Got home and brought everything in house.  House is a disaster.

Sent text to sister about plant.  She wants to go through stuff from funeral home.  Not today.  

No, not today and not tomorrow. 

[TheOtherMe]

I was trying to see if I could do any of the calls online.  I managed to get money for a bill from coming out of dad's checking account using online chat.  I have the text of the chat.

So much easier than calling when my emotions are so raw.

[Deleted]

Dec 24, 2019 18:49:44 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

I was trying to see if I could do any of the calls online.  I managed to get money for a bill from coming out of dad's checking account using online chat.  I have the text of the chat.

So much easier than calling when my emotions are so raw.

I found every time I tried to say, "My husband just died" that I started crying.  Sometimes that was useful as in Ashley Furniture agreed to accept the return of the power lift chair that he never sat in even though it was a week or two past their usual return policy.  But it also makes simple stuff really hard.  I haven't tried to substitute in part because of the dog's grief but also because I can't deal with the sympathy of my co-workers.  

I still struggle.  So expect this to take awhile.

[TheOtherMe]

I started crying when I typed it.  The rep was great--immediately offering her sympathy.  

I know it will take a long time.  I can't even think the words without crying.  

I have 6 phone calls to make on Thursday or Friday (will probably take two days).  

Then we have sister wanting to look at what I brought back from funeral home and I don't want to see it yet.

[TheOtherMe]

Sister got her plant out of my car and left one unpaid bill and some paid ones.

I did not hear her