Gaming spouses support

[azucena]

DH moved Sun game night to the upstairs dining room so DD10's bball team could watch the ncaa women's final on the biggest tv in the basement.

One of the dad's picking up used to play D/D back in the day and is interested in putting together a campaign with his daughters, DH, DD10, and maybe one other dad/DD.  I'm all for this because this could be a great way for them to connect.

Waiting for DH to see this article, but I'm not sharing it with him LOL  www.nytimes.com/2019/04/06/opinion/sunday/dungeons-and-dragons.html

[shanendoah]

azucena - Here's one about how D&D is taking off at a Girls' School. Maybe some food for thought for your DH and the dad whose interested in putting together a game.

[sheilaincali]

The Boy and the Hubs were in a Pathfinder (D & D) group for 3 or 4 years together. They loved it. They finished the campaign right as the Boy was leaving for college. He joined a D& group on campus and he's been in that for 3 years now.

We have a pretty active D& group at our friendly, neighborhood game store (my husband's bestie's store). They do a regular summer camp thing during school breaks. A number of parents have started campaigns with their kids as a big group. They seem to be having a ton of fun with it.

[sheilaincali]

Hubs had from at the Star Wars celebration. Wore one costume for about 4 hours so it was totally worth the cost (  .  He didn't buy much but did get a new tattoo at the convention.

I overheard him telling our son that he was going to start playing Magic. I'm less than amused. His bestie message me to say "it was your husband's idea! I didn't tell him to play" His friends live in fear of me.

So yeah.... Magic.  I'm not looking forward to that. With his obsessive personality he'll start buying singles and crap off of ebay to build a deck. It'll end up costing us several hundred dollars and he'll lost interest in 6 months.

[azucena]

Dh is starting a campaign with another dad and daughters which whatever, but now I'm catching grief because that mom is going to play too and not only play but is really into it. Goody for her, her husband hasn't played since hs. I'm thinking the healthiest choice is to just disappear those nights.

[cktc]

Apr 28, 2019 17:14:59 GMT -5 azucena said:

Dh is starting a campaign with another dad and daughters which whatever, but now I'm catching grief because that mom is going to play too and not only play but is really into it. Goody for her, her husband hasn't played since hs. I'm thinking the healthiest choice is to just disappear those nights.

Ugh, goody for her indeed. She is already into it, of course she will want to join. Would you DH be cool to join a book club or start doing yoga (or whatever activities you are more into than him)? I think that would be more analogous.

DH and his friends have been trying to get together with spouses to play Magic. I know one of the wives has played since high school. I also know I do not play it and hate doing things I won't be good at without a significant time investment. Maybe that makes me a poor sport, but what's the point? The collaborative games are ok, but I hate competitive stuff.

[azucena]

Apr 28, 2019 18:04:04 GMT -5 cktc said:

Apr 28, 2019 17:14:59 GMT -5 azucena said:

Dh is starting a campaign with another dad and daughters which whatever, but now I'm catching grief because that mom is going to play too and not only play but is really into it. Goody for her, her husband hasn't played since hs. I'm thinking the healthiest choice is to just disappear those nights.

Ugh, goody for her indeed. She is already into it, of course she will want to join. Would you DH be cool to join a book club or start doing yoga (or whatever activities you are more into than him)? I think that would be more analogous.

DH and his friends have been trying to get together with spouses to play Magic. I know one of the wives has played since high school. I also know I do not play it and hate doing things I won't be good at without a significant time investment. Maybe that makes me a poor sport, but what's the point? The collaborative games are ok, but I hate competitive stuff.

She's never played before, but based on the hour long speaker phone conversation last night she's reading all the materials and preparing.  Imaginary play has never been my thing even as a kid.  When I play with my kids, I steer them towards reading, legos and card games.

I did play Magic with him in high school and didn't mind it at the time.  That was equal parts lovey dovey dating phase, and I was a high schooler with loads of free time.  He asks why I don't play it anymore and the simple answer is that I grew up.

[shanendoah]

azucena - That's great that she wants to play. Don't let your DH or anyone else try to use that to force you to play if it's not your thing. Not only won't it be fun for you, it would make it less fun for everyone else. In the D&D game I'm in (that C DMs), BFFIL plays in the game, but BFF doesn't. BFF gets the morning to go do something fun for her. And she does do some RPGs, she just isn't interested in this one. And that's okay. So your response can be - Thanks for thinking of me, but this isn't my thing, and I don't want to make a mess of it for the rest of you. I am going to take this time and do something to recharge me. And yes, disappear - into a mani/pedi, brunch with a friend, or even just a good book hidden away in your room.
At the same time, I am going to call you out on your attitude. We've talked about this before, but seriously, if you ever want your DH to be able to seriously talk with you about his gaming habit and how it effects the whole family, you have to get over this "holier than thou" attitude about games. You don't play Magic anymore because there are other ways you would rather spend your free time right now. Games aren't your thing and never have been. And that's OK. But deciding that people who play games as adults just really haven't grown up is s***. I know a lot of people who are killing it at adulting who still play games - board games, computer games, RPGs, CCGs.
Your husband has some issues. And, in his case, games are a symptom of that. You are never going to actually get to deal with those issues, though, if you keep attacking the games. Because that also lets him ignore the issues and just write you off as someone who doesn't understand.

cktc - I am also not a fan of competitive games, so I am not trying to force you into playing anything. But I can also tell you that simply playing Magic takes no significant time investment at all. The time investment of Magic is making your own deck. And for people who that's there thing, it can be a ton of fun to put together a deck based on a concept and see if it works. But for people who it's not their thing, you can buy a pre-made deck, or you can use a deck someone else made. I used to play Magic occasionally with friends. I have never owned a single Magic card. I would use decks they had already made, and as long as I could read (each card tells you what it does), I could play. I didn't play as fast as they did, because I didn't have it memorized what each card did - I had to actually read them - but I still played.
But again, if it's not your thing, that's OK. Go have an evening to yourself while they are playing.

[cktc]

Apr 29, 2019 9:58:37 GMT -5 shanendoah said:

cktc - I am also not a fan of competitive games, so I am not trying to force you into playing anything. But I can also tell you that simply playing Magic takes no significant time investment at all. The time investment of Magic is making your own deck. And for people who that's there thing, it can be a ton of fun to put together a deck based on a concept and see if it works. But for people who it's not their thing, you can buy a pre-made deck, or you can use a deck someone else made. I used to play Magic occasionally with friends. I have never owned a single Magic card. I would use decks they had already made, and as long as I could read (each card tells you what it does), I could play. I didn't play as fast as they did, because I didn't have it memorized what each card did - I had to actually read them - but I still played.
But again, if it's not your thing, that's OK. Go have an evening to yourself while they are playing.

I've tried Magic and it was a quick slaughter. This is going to sound really stupid but I also really hate reading the cards and rules. It's like pharmacy pamphlets and instruction manuals, I just want the basic gist and then to have at it. There is also the matter of having two small children to look after, they will always have my primary focus. The Magic playing wife is our sitter so we'd have to find someone else to watch the kids and now we are in a lot of work and money for an activity I don't enjoy. DH is welcome to go without me.

[shanendoah]

cktc - Again, if it's not your thing, that's ok. You don't have to like it. I like it that the rules for each card are written down right in front of me so that I don't have to remember how something works, or is this a special case scenario, etc. It's all there. But that's me. And honestly, in your case, even though I've played Magic and don't hate it, it's not my favorite, and I would probably be like - Have fun. Kids and I are going to have a movie night.

[gs11rmb]

Apr 29, 2019 9:58:37 GMT -5 shanendoah said:

azucena - That's great that she wants to play. Don't let your DH or anyone else try to use that to force you to play if it's not your thing. Not only won't it be fun for you, it would make it less fun for everyone else. In the D& game I'm in (that C DMs), BFFIL plays in the game, but BFF doesn't. BFF gets the morning to go do something fun for her. And she does do some RPGs, she just isn't interested in this one. And that's okay. So your response can be - Thanks for thinking of me, but this isn't my thing, and I don't want to make a mess of it for the rest of you. I am going to take this time and do something to recharge me. And yes, disappear - into a mani/pedi, brunch with a friend, or even just a good book hidden away in your room.
At the same time, I am going to call you out on your attitude. We've talked about this before, but seriously, if you ever want your DH to be able to seriously talk with you about his gaming habit and how it effects the whole family, you have to get over this "holier than thou" attitude about games. You don't play Magic anymore because there are other ways you would rather spend your free time right now. Games aren't your thing and never have been. And that's OK. But deciding that people who play games as adults just really haven't grown up is s***. I know a lot of people who are killing it at adulting who still play games - board games, computer games, RPGs, CCGs.
Your husband has some issues. And, in his case, games are a symptom of that. You are never going to actually get to deal with those issues, though, if you keep attacking the games. Because that also lets him ignore the issues and just write you off as someone who doesn't understand.

cktc - I am also not a fan of competitive games, so I am not trying to force you into playing anything. But I can also tell you that simply playing Magic takes no significant time investment at all. The time investment of Magic is making your own deck. And for people who that's there thing, it can be a ton of fun to put together a deck based on a concept and see if it works. But for people who it's not their thing, you can buy a pre-made deck, or you can use a deck someone else made. I used to play Magic occasionally with friends. I have never owned a single Magic card. I would use decks they had already made, and as long as I could read (each card tells you what it does), I could play. I didn't play as fast as they did, because I didn't have it memorized what each card did - I had to actually read them - but I still played.
But again, if it's not your thing, that's OK. Go have an evening to yourself while they are playing.

I don't think azucena is being shit at all.  Her husband is a grown man, a husband and father, who is spending hours playing games.  That is childlike behavior.  If he played games occasionally while functioning as an adult then there wouldn't be a problem.

[sheilaincali]

I also don't think azucena is being a bad person, wife, mother, etc. for not wanting to play D and D with her husband. I completely understand. The Hubs and the Boy played it for years. In my kitchen with their friends. I'd typically plan a movie date with friends or hang out in the family room and watch a movie. It was not my thing at all. Frankly I found it boring but they enjoyed it so I was fine with it. I'd make small talk with the other guys in their group. Had they bullied me into playing I'd have been bored out of my mind and resented it. As it was I kind of enjoyed those days in which I knew I'd get to do whatever I wanted on my own.

But I do take issue with gs11rmb referring to people who play games as acting in a childlike manner. Yes I don't fully understand the appeal but gaming and that does not make my husband a child. Do I want to roll my eyes when he tells me "I'm going to be gone on Friday, Joe wants to play Magic". Yes. Do I think he's a child for wanting to play Magic with his friend after working a 50 plus hour work week and spending 13 hours commuting to and from said job? No.

It's his hobby. I don't understand but that doesn't mean he shouldn't enjoy his hobby.

[steph08]

May 1, 2019 8:29:41 GMT -5 sheilaincali said:

It's his hobby. I don't understand but that doesn't mean he shouldn't enjoy his hobby.

This. 

The problem is that these DHs are choosing to prioritize hobbies over families. 

I run, and I absolutely loathe when my husband calls my running "stupid." Just because it isn't the hobby he chose for himself doesn't mean it isn't worthwhile to me, and it is disrespectful when he says that. I would never say something like that about his hobbies. We all enjoy different things - that doesn't make it right or wrong, smart or stupid.


I think the real question is - if your DHs spent as much time on a different hobby instead of gaming, would you still have the same attitude? Spending hours at the gym? Training for a triathlon? Running dogs in agility trials? Shooting competitions? Writing a novel? 

[Wisconsin Beth]

But the problem is still that the hobby (whatever it is) is taking away from the family and adding burdens to the other spouse/parent. 

[gs11rmb]

May 1, 2019 8:29:41 GMT -5 sheilaincali said:

I also don't think azucena is being a bad person, wife, mother, etc. for not wanting to play D and D with her husband. I completely understand. The Hubs and the Boy played it for years. In my kitchen with their friends. I'd typically plan a movie date with friends or hang out in the family room and watch a movie. It was not my thing at all. Frankly I found it boring but they enjoyed it so I was fine with it. I'd make small talk with the other guys in their group. Had they bullied me into playing I'd have been bored out of my mind and resented it. As it was I kind of enjoyed those days in which I knew I'd get to do whatever I wanted on my own.

But I do take issue with gs11rmb referring to people who play games as acting in a childlike manner. Yes I don't fully understand the appeal but gaming and that does not make my husband a child. Do I want to roll my eyes when he tells me "I'm going to be gone on Friday, Joe wants to play Magic". Yes. Do I think he's a child for wanting to play Magic with his friend after working a 50 plus hour work week and spending 13 hours commuting to and from said job? No.

It's his hobby. I don't understand but that doesn't mean he shouldn't enjoy his hobby.

I would say exactly the same about a grown man who spends his evenings and weekends playing golf.  Prioritizing their own hobbies above all else is something I would expect of my children but not of my husband.

[azucena]

I'll say one last thing and then let's drop it please because overall this thread has been good for me.

I was venting and didn't spend time choosing my words carefully.  I vent here rather than rehashing the same argument with DH when I'm pissed.

Yeah, it's the priorities and workload that causes resentment - I truly would have the same issues if it were a different hobby.  I love my husband.  But I sometimes feel resentful that I bust my butt to advance my career to VP level and become the breadwinner making more money than either of us even imagined possible.  I work 50-60 hours per week in a stressful job that is full of lots of important details and decisions every day.  Meanwhile I still have the typical child and household to do's constantly running through my head.  He works a consistent 40 hours per week as a preschool teacher which is totally his niche and he's fantastic at it.  But when the assistant director position comes up, he won't even consider it because that would be too much work, we don't need the money, and he doesn't want to leave the classroom.  Kinda feels lopsided because he only has that "choice" because I've taken the harder road.

I've been in this higher role for a year now, and we're still working out the kinks on both sides.  He's stepping up when I ask him, but he's still not seeing what needs to be done.  I probably should just hire a housekeeper at this point but I'm too YM to pay for it and I worry about spoiling my children.

It also sucks royally because I find it difficult to find friends to do things with when he's gaming and I'm free.  My kids are at the stage when they can stay home while he's here and preoccupied.  Many of my friends have toddlers and babies and several have husbands who can't/won't watch their own kids (let's not open that can of worms).  Fortunately my husband has no problem watching their kids if he's not preoccupied, but it's awkward for my friends that he will watch them while their husbands won't.  Also, most of my friends don't have disposable income - they're sahms, work PT, have bigger families, etc.  So even dinner and a movie feels like something they shouldn't/can't do.  And while I have no trouble paying for them, we end up back at awkward for them.

[shanendoah]

azucena - *hugs*
Let me start by apologizing if it seemed to you I was saying you are a bad person. In no way, shape, or form do I think that. I do NOT think you should play D&D if you don't want to. (I hope that was clear.)

I probably overreacted to the statement about not playing Magic because you grew up - and a good part of that is because I adult really damn well, and I still game, so it also felt like an insult to me/all gamers, pretty much my entire circle of friends, WHICH I KNOW IT WASN'T INTENDED TO BE.

I completely understand that your husband is not adulting successfully and then relaxing with his games. He is using his games to avoid adulting. And that is most definitely a problem.

But I worry that, if you make it about the games with your husband, he will simply see it as an attack on games, and then he gets to dismiss it because you just don't like games. These issues have nothing to do with gaming. You know it. And your husband probably knows it too, but doesn't WANT to. And so, the easier it is for him to simply blame your unhappiness with his behavior on the idea that you don't like games, the easier it is for him to dismiss your unhappiness and not make the changes he needs to make. And that is not acceptable.

[sheilaincali]

azucena I understand where you are coming from. I'm in a slightly similar situation. I'm the primary breadwinner but the Hubs has been climbing back up there. I think it could be a good thing that you'll have a block of time that you can do your own thing. I sincerely wished you lived closer to me (I don't know where you are but I'm in southern MN). Finding friends and socializing as an adult is tricky. Especially when you factor in young kids.

My best friend and I were set up by our husbands. Hubs and Z met gaming. Hubs mentioned that I needed to have a "buddy" to go to a girls weekend thing with me. Z said "tell her to invite my wife, she needs friends". G and I had only met in passing a couple of times and were thrust into this 3 day long girls weekend together. We've been besties ever since. But before her I struggled to be social. Now we are part of a big social group. But that group started with a bunch of pre-school moms wanting to hang out away from their kids. G invited me along and it our gang grew. But I completely get it. It's hard.

[raeoflyte]

May 1, 2019 8:54:12 GMT -5 gs11rmb said:

May 1, 2019 8:29:41 GMT -5 sheilaincali said:

I also don't think azucena is being a bad person, wife, mother, etc. for not wanting to play D and D with her husband. I completely understand. The Hubs and the Boy played it for years. In my kitchen with their friends. I'd typically plan a movie date with friends or hang out in the family room and watch a movie. It was not my thing at all. Frankly I found it boring but they enjoyed it so I was fine with it. I'd make small talk with the other guys in their group. Had they bullied me into playing I'd have been bored out of my mind and resented it. As it was I kind of enjoyed those days in which I knew I'd get to do whatever I wanted on my own.

But I do take issue with gs11rmb referring to people who play games as acting in a childlike manner. Yes I don't fully understand the appeal but gaming and that does not make my husband a child. Do I want to roll my eyes when he tells me "I'm going to be gone on Friday, Joe wants to play Magic". Yes. Do I think he's a child for wanting to play Magic with his friend after working a 50 plus hour work week and spending 13 hours commuting to and from said job? No.

It's his hobby. I don't understand but that doesn't mean he shouldn't enjoy his hobby.

I would say exactly the same about a grown man who spends his evenings and weekends playing golf.  Prioritizing their own hobbies above all else is something I would expect of my children but not of my husband.

Agreed.  Gaming isn't the hobby of issue in my house, but I can relate to so many things on this thread.  The biggest frustration for me is why on earth I have to explain that parenting is a full time responsibility that takes precedence.  You don't get to just tap out just because you feel like it.  

I also don't think the grown up comments are about the hobby, but more about being questioned about how dare you change.  You used to like this which means you should always like/support this.  It gets old.  People are supposed to grow and change which can make relationships difficult because you might not grow together.  But when one person doesn't change that's tough too.  

[cktc]

I'm passive aggressively drinking DH's last beer. I've been sick all week, he went to see Endgame Tuesday, had an appointment yesterday, and went to game night tonight without a word. It's also a drill weekend so I'm on my own with the kids 12 days straight. #sorrynotsorry

[shanendoah]

Just thought I would check in and see how people are doing, now that summer has started, and that changes the kid care schedule (if your kids are still in primary or secondary school), if nothing else.

[cktc]

Nothing really new to report. Wee ones are 1 and 3 so no changes to their schedules. DH has fallen off the exercise wagon, and I need to get back on it myself so either we'll find a gym with daycare or I'll just find a yoga studio to carve out some time for myself. When DD hits 18 months there is a nearby rec center with free kid care. 3 months to go. I briefly considered just trying to pass her off as 3 months older now as the cutoff seems arbitrary. She's already in 2T clothes, running, following directions, has a handful of words, but if we plan to use the rec center long term that might be problematic to correct later. 

[azucena]

Summer is off to a decent start.  Threw DH a pretty kick ass 40th bday party with help from his friends.  Party included a 90 min quest, house was ren themed including castle walls, knights, dragons, and a feast fit for a king.  I gained a lot of brownie points

DD10 went to a gaming camp and had a great time.  DH takes her to the gaming store every other week.  They also started a campaign with another family - meeting about every 3 weeks.

Weekly game nights have been running from 5/6 to 10 pm which has helped.

[azucena]

I posted on the kid thread that we dropped off both girls at sleep away camp on sunday. We havent had them both gone for more than two nights ever.

Sunday night game night happened until 10:30 pm. Monday night dh and I went to dinner and shopped for plants. We had an enjoyable time. When we got home, his phone starts blowing up. I asked why and he mumbles that he needs to ask me if they can have game night tues since one guy is moving out of state this week and they need 3 more hours to finish their campaign. I delayed answering and he kept pushing so I said whatever.

Then he texts me today reminding me that he has work training from 5 to 8 tomorrow night. So basically 3 of our 6 nights are gone and I rank below guy moving out of town. FFS.

[cktc]

Sorry azucena that sounds very frustrating.

[azucena]

My reaction has been sadness instead of anger which is promising and definitely shows the work I've done in therapy to actually feel the true feelings instead of being angry which is easy.

Game didn't wrap up until 11 at which point I had just finished a book.  Need to talk to him tonight and express my feelings which are pretty much exactly what I said here, I rank below moving guy, which sucks.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Hugs azucena. 

[raeoflyte]

Jul 30, 2019 22:30:15 GMT -5 cktc said:

Sorry azucena that sounds very frustrating.

  

[shanendoah]

azucena - Yay for therapy working, I guess. But I agree this is incredibly frustrating. I hope that when you explain to your husband how you feel he will be able to get it and not get defensive. Because even as someone who games, I would not necessarily be good with your husband's behavior.

[azucena]

Jul 31, 2019 13:51:02 GMT -5 shanendoah said:

azucena - Yay for therapy working, I guess. But I agree this is incredibly frustrating. I hope that when you explain to your husband how you feel he will be able to get it and not get defensive. Because even as someone who games, I would not necessarily be good with your husband's behavior.

Yeah, in the past I haven't communicated well because all he hears is an attack on gaming.  Realizing and shifting the conversation to priorities might help.  Just stinks because after our date on Monday, we had a very, very nice night