Gaming spouses support

[sheilaincali]

azucena Sorry   I feel your pain. DH is a kick starter addict. He's kick started probably 40 different board games. GRRRR. 

This week it hasn't been games that's driving me batty. It's costumes.  Yup, costumes. He and his bestie are going to a big Star Wars celebration in April ($300 per ticket, plus 4 nights in a hotel) and they "need" costumes for the convention apparently.  He's ordered custom costumes. When I question him about the price, he's pretty vague. No dear, I seriously doubt the custom made officer's outfit, pants, top and various medals cost you "like maybe $30?"

[azucena]

Mar 1, 2019 14:19:45 GMT -5 sheilaincali said:

azucena Sorry   I feel your pain. DH is a kick starter addict. He's kick started probably 40 different board games. GRRRR. 

This week it hasn't been games that's driving me batty. It's costumes.  Yup, costumes. He and his bestie are going to a big Star Wars celebration in April ($300 per ticket, plus 4 nights in a hotel) and they "need" costumes for the convention apparently.  He's ordered custom costumes. When I question him about the price, he's pretty vague. No dear, I seriously doubt the custom made officer's outfit, pants, top and various medals cost you "like maybe $30?"

Maybe $30 sounds similar to I accidentally used the wrong debit card.

So far costumes only appear when he goes to the Ren faire and since that's once a year, by my logic he only needs one costume.  So far he does only have one costume and keeps accessorizing it LOL.  He takes DD10 with him for a second visit, she has a cloak that he had made, and it's large enough she can use it forever.  When she was younger, she'd wear a Disney princess dress

He just talked about his job at lunch, and I let it go.

[raeoflyte]

ooohhh--costumes I am guilty of.  I need to get cracking on the kids costumes for starfest.  Then there's ren faire, comicon, and halloween.  They will probably use the same costume for starfest and comicon though.  

[azucena]

A positive - I slept in late on Sunday because we were snowed in and didn't go to church.  I woke up about 10 and found DH and DD6 playing King of Tokyo together with DD reading the cards and doing the math for her points.  She was having a great time, and it got even better when she won.  I'm all for this type of gaming and actually wish it would happen more often.  However, now that DD is comfortable with this game and even likes it, DH will likely want to play something else next time.  Hoping DD can voice her opinion about that since she's so strong-willed.

[sheilaincali]

King of Tokyo is a fun game. Scales well to Kids     

The Costume- When DH pulled it out of the box I said "that looks really small" DH is average sized. He read the description wrong- the pants flare out at the hips like pantaloons or something as part of the costume. So he took the weird hip measurement as the waist measurement. Ordered himself a costume with a 28 inch waist. So yup= custom made so no returning it. Apparently he can "just list it on ebay".

Went into the game store to drop off a dozen or so games he's selling on consignment. The employee Anthony asked "you want to pick up your special orders?" Sure- $283 later   I got the "I haven't been in since December- so this is really 3 months worth of stuff.  More stuff for the game they aren't even playing yet.

[cktc]

Going to see if he follows through, but yesterday DH said he wants to take a break from gaming for the next couple of months. He wants to get back in shape and doesn't want to spend more time away from the family to go to the gym! I'll take one hour a few times a week over 3+ hour gaming sessions. He plans to take a break from drinking too.

[azucena]

Mar 4, 2019 10:32:39 GMT -5 cktc said:

Going to see if he follows through, but yesterday DH said he wants to take a break from gaming for the next couple of months. He wants to get back in shape and doesn't want to spend more time away from the family to go to the gym! I'll take one hour a few times a week over 3+ hour gaming sessions. He plans to take a break from drinking too.

what has he been eating and drinking the last few days?  I'll order it all on amazon to be delivered tomorrow!

[cktc]

Mar 4, 2019 12:24:39 GMT -5 azucena said:

Mar 4, 2019 10:32:39 GMT -5 cktc said:

Going to see if he follows through, but yesterday DH said he wants to take a break from gaming for the next couple of months. He wants to get back in shape and doesn't want to spend more time away from the family to go to the gym! I'll take one hour a few times a week over 3+ hour gaming sessions. He plans to take a break from drinking too.

what has he been eating and drinking the last few days?  I'll order it all on amazon to be delivered tomorrow!

Hahaha. I don't think that his current pizza and beer diet will help matters for you. He's extrinsically motivated. He's in the Guard and just found out he's getting taped sooner than expected.

[sheilaincali]

Another costume showed up yesterday and I had to text him today to see if the $67 charge at Walmart dot com was him. We never shop at Walmart. Surprise- it was him he "needed boots to finish my jedi costume". I'm trying to be all zen about it but I'm starting to get annoyed with this convention.

[shanendoah]

I have spent so much money on costuming. It's one of the ways I reward myself. I do then use every excuse I can come up with to wear said costumes, like wearing my Jedi outfit on May 4, wearing partial costuming to friends' weddings, or traveling halfway across the country to attend a friend's birthday prom

[sheilaincali]

Mar 7, 2019 10:51:37 GMT -5 shanendoah said:

I have spent so much money on costuming. It's one of the ways I reward myself. I do then use every excuse I can come up with to wear said costumes, like wearing my Jedi outfit on May 4, wearing partial costuming to friends' weddings, or traveling halfway across the country to attend a friend's birthday prom

And I do appreciate that prom visit   We still talk about that party. It was fairly epic.

Unfortunately Nate will probably never wear these again after that one convention weekend. It's part of his addictive personality. I'm happy that he has friends and hobbies but some days I do get annoyed with the money he spends on it all. So with the gaming stuff from Saturday, the boots, and two costumes (so far- I think there's at least one more coming). He's at close to $500 just this month. And it's only the 7th! 

[cktc]

Apparently I misunderstood the gaming break. It's not a gaming break, it's an x-wing league break. He's been building custom stands for his friends, started playing Pokemon Go again and has just ordered a Nintendo Switch with his bonus. Drinking break also turned into a beer break. He is still drinking liquor. Ah well, at least he is eating vegetables.

Sorry about all the costume spending, Sheila. DH would compare that to me having the family get dressed up for photos once a year.

[shanendoah]

sheilaincali - I'd tell him you expect to see him in this costume every May 4th (or May 5th, depending on if he's Rebellion or Empire) for the next couple of years, and that you expect him to wear it when you go see the next movie in the theater. (I know that probably doesn't work.)

cktc - You probably understood it just fine. It was him who didn't understand what he was trying to commit to and is now walking back (on both accounts).

[sheilaincali]

Shanen- we only celebrate the high holy day of "May the Fourth" Rebellion all the way. I should totally tell him that he has to wear it every May the 4th! That would be super funny.

[azucena]

Probably tmi, but hoping someone can relate here...we had a great family day and dh and I even took a long walk. Then, he made dinner. So finally for the first time in weeks I was in the mood for Thai food. His phone erupts with texts as we finish dinner at 530...he "forgot" to mention that two guys were coming over to prep for tomorrow's gaming session. It's now 930 with no end in sight with daylight savings time and early church tomorrow. Had a good cry in the shower and will now head to bed because my sleep schedule is already riddled with insomnia.

Just sucks because no matter how I explain it, he doesn't get that I need to feel connected first and we are nowhere near connected these days. And then today totally set us up to be on track and then random extra game time screws it up yet again. Sunday nights are similar because I've fully decompressed over the werkend from work. We've usually been together most of sat and sun and then game night gets in the way of Thai food.

[cktc]

Mar 9, 2019 22:18:50 GMT -5 azucena said:

Probably tmi, but hoping someone can relate here...we had a great family day and dh and I even took a long walk. Then, he made dinner. So finally for the first time in weeks I was in the mood for Thai food. His phone erupts with texts as we finish dinner at 530...he "forgot" to mention that two guys were coming over to prep for tomorrow's gaming session. It's now 930 with no end in sight with daylight savings time and early church tomorrow. Had a good cry in the shower and will now head to bed because my sleep schedule is already riddled with insomnia.

Just sucks because no matter how I explain it, he doesn't get that I need to feel connected first and we are nowhere near connected these days. And then today totally set us up to be on track and then random extra game time screws it up yet again. Sunday nights are similar because I've fully decompressed over the werkend from work. We've usually been together most of sat and sun and then game night gets in the way of Thai food.

So sorry azucena. I can completely relate to this. I'm usually out of the mood for three days surrounding DH's game nights. It really does cut into time to relax and connect as a couple.

[azucena]

We ended up having a long talk Sat night because he heard me going around shutting off lights at 10:30 and then he could tell I'd been crying so he sent the guys home.  I don't remember the last time I sobbed that hard/long.  I made it clear just how defeated I felt, but he says he told me earlier in the day. 

It's like we're living two different lives sometimes because I know he didn't.  I asked if he would take a break for a while to give us time to get back on track.  He's sure he took a whole year off shortly after DD2 was born and "nothing changed".  That's not how I remember it at all, and honestly, that's one of the periods I resented the gaming the most.  She was a horrible sleeper, I was back at work, and she was reverse cycling nursing all through the night.  I'm someone who needs a solid 8 hours, and I was so sleep deprived and hormonal.  Meanwhile, he'd be downstairs whooping it up while he could clearly hear me struggling with her and our then 4 yo.  We had huge fights all the time, and I know one was basically in front of the gaming group where they ended up leaving.  He maybe took a few weeks off.  We went to marriage counseling, but I can see now that I focused too much on the gaming and not enough on the emotional impact and communications so we didn't make much progress.  Yesterday, I double checked with my best friend and my mom both of whom agree that he's 'mis-remembering'.  And again, that's not really the point, how can we be so disconnected that we can't even agree on that.

Last night was game night again, but he must have told them to all come at 5 which was traditionally their starting point but they've begun to straggle in until 630.  They wrapped up at exactly 9, and he came upstairs to watch tv with me.  But, again, he didn't tell me that was the plan.

Anyway, I do think he knows just how upset I am because I pretty much couldn't control my sobbing.  We leave for spring break with the kids on Fri - a change of scenery will do everyone good.

[sheilaincali]

azucena I'm so sorry you are going through this. I completely understand. Feel free to vent anytime you need to. I've been through it. We hit a big rough patch this summer on our way home from vacation. Spent the last 10 hours of the road trip not speaking. I seriously contemplated asking for a divorce. He had his regularly scheduled therapy appointment and he told his therapist what was going on. She asked him "are you an idiot? I'm not supposed to take sides, but I'm on your wife's side with this".

It made a big difference. We had a several hour long discussion and got to a much better place.

But yeah, it's rough. It's hard to have those conversations if he isn't making time for them or prioritizing family time over gaming.

It may sound overly simple - but do you have a family calendar? We did that for a couple of years (mostly when our son was at home) and that helped. Everything had to be on the calendar. So if he had a tournament or wanting to game with the guys unless it was on the calendar it wasn't happening. Maybe that would help? Schedule family time/adventures too

Good luck- hopefully the spring break helps shake things up in a positive direction.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Hugs azucena.  I hope you can relax on break. 

I both love and hate  vacations with DH and the kids.  There's a lot of stress in prepwork before we go.  And with DH there's another level of stress due to his diet.  When it's good; it's amazing and relaxing.  When it's not; just ugh. 

[shanendoah]

azucena - *hugs* I completely understand. I also have no doubt he is mis-remembering. Maybe it's time to get back into marriage counseling? And I still think gaming can be a focus along with the emotional impact, but not because it is gaming, but because it is a hobby that is specifically taking priority over family/couple time. And while we all need "me" time, it seems like he gets "me" time, and you never do. There's a little vindictive part of me that thinks you need to be out of town on a Sunday night. Leave him to manage both game night and getting kids to bed AND getting kids ready to go Monday morning.
I do agree with sheilaincali that a family calendar might be a good idea. That way, everyone can see what is planned and plan around it. We actually had one that was posted in a public spot so that everyone saw it multiple times a day. (In our case, it was because it helped Pop Tart manage her anxiety if she could see what the plan was for the week.) That way, we all knew what the plan was, and there were no surprises.

[azucena]

We do keep an electronic family calendar, and he's gotten way better at filling out his portion.  I should bring up that even impromptu things like extra gaming set up a couple hours in advance should go on the calendar - this would help eliminate the I told you about this.  We need to get back to Sun afternoon calendar mtgs to keep everyone on the same page.

I have tried going out on Sun nights.  Since the kids are 10 and 6, he expects them to put themselves to bed which they will do but past bedtime.  I work early hours to pick them up for school, so he handles every weekday morning already and that seems to go ok.  I'd rather be home on Sun nights since I get up at 5 am for work.

I have been focusing more on self care and that is helping me personally.

We'd have to find a new therapist because I don't think we made any progress with the other one.  Sounds like one more to do at this point, but I'll think about it.  Hoping we can figure this out once and for all.

[shanendoah]

azucena - In what world do a 6 and 10 year old put themselves to bed at the appropriate time? Certainly not one I've ever lived in.
Do either of you have an employee assistance plan at work? I've found those to be really helpful for finding therapists, because they already have a list of them. It can really narrow things down. But otherwise, why can't this be a to do for him? His actions, prioritizing hobby time over family/couple time, is what has caused the issue. He needs to show he cares enough to try and work on it.

[finnime]

Sorry that your DH and you are not in sync. It is clear, gaming is a side issue; understanding is the core. You have identified a lot of parts of your life that work - he gets the kids going in the morning, you keep a family calendar, and he is aware enough to have enforced a limit with his gaming friends recently. I hope your spring break brings you together and allows you all some peace and joy.

[azucena]

Mar 11, 2019 10:49:50 GMT -5 shanendoah said:

azucena - In what world do a 6 and 10 year old put themselves to bed at the appropriate time? Certainly not one I've ever lived in.
Do either of you have an employee assistance plan at work? I've found those to be really helpful for finding therapists, because they already have a list of them. It can really narrow things down. But otherwise, why can't this be a to do for him? His actions, prioritizing hobby time over family/couple time, is what has caused the issue. He needs to show he cares enough to try and work on it.

Honestly feeling burned out on therapy because of all of the work I've done on myself the last few years going thru PTSD from his illness and to get to where I am now with my depression.  The prior marriage therapist wouldn't see the gaming as an addiction/obsession and kept referring to hobbies so he took that to mean what he's doing was okay. 

When I've broached individual therapy for him in the past, he's always balked and kinda made it seem like my problem.  My health insurance is crazy good for mental health...as in all therapy is covered 100% so there really is no issue.

And, yes, Fin is right.  A lot is working for us, and we've stayed together through incredible odds.  We just need to find our communication skills back again which will do a lot to put us in sync.  Hard to do within the pace of our lives.

[shanendoah]

azucena - Again, hugs.
And maybe start with having the weekly calendar meetings again, and then put on the calendar regular check in meetings with you and DH. Call them communication meetings. But schedule the time, not for Thai, but for talking, and hopefully, the desire for Thai can grow from that.

[shanendoah]

Just checking in to see how people are doing.

[azucena]

The past 3 game nights have started at 6 pm and ended promptly at 10. I also don't think he's bought a game recently. It's kind of a weird truce after I completely melted down inconsolable one night.

Kinda swung back to home life good, work life crap. Seems I can never get it together both places at the same time, but at least they both don't suck at the same time.

[azucena]

Oh, and forgot, lo and behold I've been in the mood for Thai again.

[cktc]

DH has his PT test on Saturday. He's going back to Thursday game nights after that. Not sure how that's going to go with him wanting to keep working out and we have a trip coming up in 3 weeks so I have to get ahead with work. He's also been playing e-xwings, some new thing has been released so he's buying more, and he's been going to the shop to deliver these telescoping stands he's selling. Something about always having the high ground.

I think it really is just the not being home at all before bedtime on Thursdays that gets to me. Hopefully he'll be a bit more flexible after this time "off".

[sheilaincali]

Hubs has been pretty decent. He skipped out on going to a tournament this past Saturday because it was scheduled for noon to 6pm, but he knew it was a bunch of new people playing that it would take longer. As of 9pm they were still playing so he said he was glad he skipped it.

No new star wars celebration costumes have shown up but he did inform me the other day that there will be tattoo artists doing star wars themed tats so he's "probably going to get one of those".

I can't judge him for the tattoo, he's been talking about getting a star wars one for years and I'm getting another tat when I go to Colorado in May with my bestie. So tattoo wise it's a wash (one for him, one for me).