Gaming spouses support

[Deleted]

Feb 9, 2019 12:11:02 GMT -5 resolution said:

Feb 8, 2019 21:46:07 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

I'm one that doesn't have a very positive view of gaming.  I know there are "responsible" gamers just like there are responsible pot smokers.  I've just had way too much experience with people that fall into the other category!  It has nothing to do with the time spent, or the money.  I just worry about my kids.  I want them to be physically and mentally healthy and so many gamers are NOT.   I have two nephews that are 33 and 29.  Since my older son was little he was compared to the older nephew.  They are so much alike.  Smart as all get out...same sense of humor...and obsessed with video games.  Nephew is still living at home and hasn't done a thing with all those smarts.   I try to counteract as much as I can by keeping him involved in other activities, but I have a feeling that the minute the pressure is off from me he's going to play day and night and that makes me sad.   But yeah, if his obsession was something like sailing or mountain biking, I'd spend thousands on equipment for him and be all happy. 

As a gamer, I find it insulting to be compared to a pot smoker, which is illegal in most states.  It is a lot more commensurate with other sedentary activities, like TV watching or knitting, rather than illegal activity.  Over 20 years of gaming, I have met dozens of gamers that don't work and live at home, and they tend to fall into two categories: disabled, or someone in their family is supporting/enabling them. I don't think you have anything to worry about since you are motivated to make him independent.

A lot of the new games are based on a loot box/gambling type of system, in which case they can be fairly compared to gambling. Those are the ones I would really watch out for, if all the upgrades are based on random chance loot boxes that you can also buy for real money. Some of them even spin like a slot machine when you open them. But a lot of the more popular games like Fortnite don't have any gambling component and can be very social playing with friends. 

Well, I'm sure you just insulted the pot smokers by saying you were insulted being compared to them!   My comparison was due to the way both can bring on so much apathy to everything else in life.  That's not so much something you think of with a knitter, but maybe it happens?   I don't know any gamers without jobs.  Unless they were family, I don't know how I'd ever come into contact with one.  My nephew works.  But he's overweight, battles with depression, no girlfriend.  It's hard to not put 2 and 2 together here and put the blame on the gaming.  If his obsession was mountain biking, I think things would be way different for him. 

[Lizard Queen]

Hey MPL--the latest Roblox game my kids are into?   Egg Farm Simulator! 


I get addicted with games myself, so I have to be very careful what I start playing or I won't get much of anything done around the house until I work it out of my system.  It was like that with Candy Crush and Soda Crush.  Once into the addict phase of playing, it's not really fun any more.  It just becomes an automatic thing and can make you depressed as you forego other things that can make you happy.  Perhaps its different with the more social games.  My DH plays Clash Royale.  He tried quitting once and lasted a week.  It makes him kind of an asshole when he gets pissed about being interrupted during a battle, and it gets him all worked up.  I don't see how he gets enjoyment out of it.  He joined a new clan after the attempt at quitting.  He asked one of the other members how he got such good--something or other.  The answer:  he spent $1000 to buy the good stuff.  So glad my DH isn't like that.  He spent $1 or $2 for something, and that's it.  My oldest son desperately wanted a $15 virtual bear bee for one of his games.  On sale, it was $8.  I can spend that on a toy, but just can't for a single virtual character.  Sorry, didn't happen.

[Deleted]

I don't mean to sound like I'm bashing gaming.  It just makes me uncomfortable with how sedentary "we" (the collective we) are these days and how easy it is to get sucked in to it being too much.  I'm addicted to these boards.  If I'm not careful, I might end up losing my job over it too.  And yet, here I sit on a Saturday at work.    Shit.  I'm leaving.   Peace.

[azucena]

Dh picked up a free big screen TV from a friend and added it to the game room (air hockey, foosball, mini pool table) that I've been putting together to become a cool house for DD10 and her friends. Unfortunately he thinks they should have a separate tv for video games. I had no idea that was his plan and no doubt that he knows how I feel about it so that's why he did it on the sly. He's played video games with the girls for an hour or two every 3 or 4 months. No way I'm opening that door wider, trying to figure out how to bring it up without getting mad.

[cktc]

Feb 10, 2019 19:53:28 GMT -5 azucena said:

Dh picked up a free big screen TV from a friend and added it to the game room (air hockey, foosball, mini pool table) that I've been putting together to become a cool house for DD10 and her friends. Unfortunately he thinks they should have a separate tv for video games. I had no idea that was his plan and no doubt that he knows how I feel about it so that's why he did it on the sly. He's played video games with the girls for an hour or two every 3 or 4 months. No way I'm opening that door wider, trying to figure out how to bring it up without getting mad.

Oh no! Can you find someone in dire need of a TV and make it disappear out of the kindness of your heart? Sorry my passive aggressiveness is showing.

DH was less enthused about all the toddler games than I am. He doesn't think DS is ready to follow rules, but isn't learning how kind of the point?

Now one of our friends is trying to set up a D&D night including spouses. I reminded him the last time he had me play D&D one of my moves was to have some Jehovah's Witnesses show up. I read and watch a lot of fantasy but fantasy world building is not one of my strengths.

[Lizard Queen]

Feb 10, 2019 20:47:01 GMT -5 cktc said:

Feb 10, 2019 19:53:28 GMT -5 azucena said:

Dh picked up a free big screen TV from a friend and added it to the game room (air hockey, foosball, mini pool table) that I've been putting together to become a cool house for DD10 and her friends. Unfortunately he thinks they should have a separate tv for video games. I had no idea that was his plan and no doubt that he knows how I feel about it so that's why he did it on the sly. He's played video games with the girls for an hour or two every 3 or 4 months. No way I'm opening that door wider, trying to figure out how to bring it up without getting mad.

Oh no! Can you find someone in dire need of a TV and make it disappear out of the kindness of your heart? Sorry my passive aggressiveness is showing.

DH was less enthused about all the toddler games than I am. He doesn't think DS is ready to follow rules, but isn't learning how kind of the point?

Now one of our friends is trying to set up a D& night including spouses. I reminded him the last time he had me play D& one of my moves was to have some Jehovah's Witnesses show up. I read and watch a lot of fantasy but fantasy world building is not one of my strengths.

I got this game for/when my oldest was a toddler:  www.amazon.com/ThinkFun-Roll-Play-Game-Toddlers/dp/B0070A9OUA/ref=sr_1_5?crid=2UXEQM68C3N00&keywords=cube+game+for+toddler&qid=1549853591&s=gateway&sprefix=cube+game+for+%2Caps%2C172&sr=8-5

[stillmovingforward]

My gaming DS1 supports himself and a cat with a high paying job and lives in thre city. And, if the roommates are correct, has no lack for semi significant others.....🤨

[stillmovingforward]

And I think he's obsessive about his gaming....

[sheilaincali]

Well, I'm sure you just insulted the pot smokers by saying you were insulted being compared to them!

I don't know if it helps or hurts your comparison but my husband is both a pot smoker and a gamer .  I'm a pot smoker and a non-gamer.

Anywho- at this point I try to find amusement in his gaming habits. He Marie Kondo'd his man cave- dozens upon dozens of Board Games have left the man cave. I donated a big box of them to a local non profit who's board I'm on. Another couple of boxes are heading to one of the local universities that has a pretty active Board Gaming Club on campus. A bunch are for sale on eBay, some are heading  to his adult nephew's house. As far as the Board Gaming side of his gaming- it's a pretty social activity. Deep down the hubs has a lot of social anxiety and Board Gaming gets him out and about and has fostered a lot of really good friendships.

The on-line computer gaming is what it is. The other night I was looking for a movie to watch and he told J "I'm going to watch a movie with Sheila so I won't be on tonight" which surprised me. He's getting much better about finding the balance.

The frustrating part- he doesn't always realize the money he spends on his gaming. He was showing me the progress he made organizing his game closet in the man cave and I pointed to a stack of about a dozen boxes and asked what those were. He said "oh that's a minis game" So I said- "when did you play that one?" because I didn't recognize that name on the boxes. He told me "I haven't played it, that's the one we are talking about playing next". So yeah- they haven't even decided if they are for sure going to play it and he's already a good dozen models invested

[azucena]

I'm going to lose my mind. It's 830 and the kids are playing video games on the new tv set up. They had the day off school and dh was supposed to take them to the gym to shoot baskets for an hour - they've been playing for hours.

[raeoflyte]

I'm sorry @acuzena.  That is super frustrating.  The newness will wear off, but screen time battles seem to be never ending especially when only one person is the enforcer.  

[azucena]

See that's just it - we don't have screen time battles because we only allow screens on Sat morning for an hour and Sat/Sun nights for movies.  I know I'm strict about this, but it's been working for our family and DH has been on board so far.

They came upstairs at 9 and then fiddled around in their rooms making karate noises and I overheard the 6 yo say that last games was my favorite because of all the blood.  I'm sure it was some kind of fighting game, not shooting.  They were even gleeful about playing all day and one said, if mom had stayed home with us that wouldn't have happened.  Both girls were both wiped out and super crabby this morning.

I ended up talking to my mom on the phone.  She is super supportive and has known DH since we were both 16.  When DH came upstairs, he immediately said unprompted what are you mad about?  I told him to just walk away because there was no way I was talking right now.  So he huffed and left the bedroom.  We ended up going to bed without talking.

To top it all off, I've just gotten DD6 who's been a very reluctant stubborn reader to get into books.  She was just tested this week and went from not reading at all in Aug to reading at an end of first grade level.  She and I have been reading chapter books every night - something that will clearly fall aside if she gets to pick games.  DH doesn't personally like to read, but he's glad DD10 does and has been commenting on how much better DD6 is getting when I'm gone for the night and she asks him to read with her.

I'm so tired of being the bad guy over and over and over again but I'll be damned if I let my girls get sucked in.

[shanendoah]

azucena - First, I sympathize with you and DH not being on the same page around video games. Perhaps you can be proactive about this by asking to talk to him about the family screen time rules. You can say you understand he wants to play video games with the girls, and you want him to have that valuable bonding time with them, but there's a reason the two of you have strict screen time rules to begin with, so maybe you need to figure out a new plan that includes video games - like an hour or two on Friday nights WITH Dad, playing video games. I think being willing to expand the time a little bit, but still having it be something scheduled, structured, and requiring Dad to be part of it will keep you on the path you're on in regards to balance and no screen time battles, but also let's you show your DH that you are willing to support him sharing his passion with his kids.

Also, reading does not necessarily go away once video games are in the picture. Most of the gamers I know are also hard core readers. (We are all major geeks, and reading was the only way we used to be able to reliably get our scifi/fantasy fix.) So I don't think you have to trade reading for video games. DD6 is enjoying reading enough with you that she asks her Dad to read with her when you're not there. Keep that scheduled time as great bonding time for you and the girls.
We used to do family read before bedtime every night. We used to help improve reading and reading aloud skills, so passed the book around. It worked really well this a book of Greek myths that were short, and we could do a couple a night, with one adult and one kid each responsible for reading a story.

[azucena]

You'd be surprised how little kids read these days given all the other entertainment options.

Reading your post made me realize that I'm more mad about the broken trust yet again. And yet again it's because of his stupid gaming obsession so it's taking the brunt of my anger.

Perhaps this will help me when I do talk to him as I can lead with that.

[raeoflyte]

Feb 13, 2019 15:39:07 GMT -5 azucena said:

See that's just it - we don't have screen time battles because we only allow screens on Sat morning for an hour and Sat/Sun nights for movies.  I know I'm strict about this, but it's been working for our family and DH has been on board so far.

They came upstairs at 9 and then fiddled around in their rooms making karate noises and I overheard the 6 yo say that last games was my favorite because of all the blood.  I'm sure it was some kind of fighting game, not shooting.  They were even gleeful about playing all day and one said, if mom had stayed home with us that wouldn't have happened.  Both girls were both wiped out and super crabby this morning.

I ended up talking to my mom on the phone.  She is super supportive and has known DH since we were both 16.  When DH came upstairs, he immediately said unprompted what are you mad about?  I told him to just walk away because there was no way I was talking right now.  So he huffed and left the bedroom.  We ended up going to bed without talking.

To top it all off, I've just gotten DD6 who's been a very reluctant stubborn reader to get into books.  She was just tested this week and went from not reading at all in Aug to reading at an end of first grade level.  She and I have been reading chapter books every night - something that will clearly fall aside if she gets to pick games.  DH doesn't personally like to read, but he's glad DD10 does and has been commenting on how much better DD6 is getting when I'm gone for the night and she asks him to read with her.

I'm so tired of being the bad guy over and over and over again but I'll be damned if I let my girls get sucked in.

That is super strict screen time*, but if it's what you've been doing then dh opening free for all to play video games because you're not home isn't cool.  Especially not cool for him to wonder why you're upset.  Seems like a pretty big change to family time that he needs to address. 

*no judgment from me on this.  If I could go back in time I would have held much firmer on this when ds was young.  

[raeoflyte]

Feb 13, 2019 16:13:54 GMT -5 azucena said:

You'd be surprised how little kids read these days given all the other entertainment options.

Reading your post made me realize that I'm more mad about the broken trust yet again. And yet again it's because of his stupid gaming obsession so it's taking the brunt of my anger.

Perhaps this will help me when I do talk to him as I can lead with that.

Tackle the trust first and be mad about it.  That's okay.  

Then you can deal with the screen time stuff, but I don't think you need to lead in with trying to accomodate it when that is so far outside of what your rules have been.  

[shanendoah]

azucena - The trust issue is definitely what needs to be addressed. The video games are the vehicle for the problem, but they aren't the actual problem. The actual problem appears to be that he doesn't like some of the parenting rules the two of you have implemented, and instead of coming to you to talk about them and maybe make some changes, he is being passive aggressive and going around you, like bringing home the free tv and setting it up without getting your buy in first. He's not a single parent. He doesn't get to make unilateral decisions about changing the structure of rules that are already in place.
And if he does't like the rules that are in place, then he needs to start by speaking up when it's just the two of you, and see if you two can come to a new arrangement.
This isn't about the rules being bent for one day, it is about him creating an environment with the express intention of changing the rules permanently.

[NastyWoman]

Feb 13, 2019 16:13:54 GMT -5 azucena said:

You'd be surprised how little kids read these days given all the other entertainment options.

Reading your post made me realize that I'm more mad about the broken trust yet again. And yet again it's because of his stupid gaming obsession so it's taking the brunt of my anger.

Perhaps this will help me when I do talk to him as I can lead with that.

azucena this is recoverable if you can DH on board when you talk to him.  The position to the girls can be "that was for a snowday only. A very special/rare event so we just lazed around. But for normal days we are going to stick with xyz". DH will have to make that declaration to the kids and then stick to it. 

My thing when the kids where little was, that occasionally we would dinner in front of the TV when their father was on business travel. That NEVER happened when dad was home, and they still remember this fondly decades later.

A rare special "we are being spoiled day" doesn't hurt as long as that is what it stays → rare 

[azucena]

Thanks for the input ladies. We will see what happens when the kids go to bed. He's been on the computer since we finished dinner at 6. He made dinner while us girls were at practice, and then we ate together but after that he chose computer time over family reading time which is too bad because Dd6 and I read some LOL funny books. He had an hour for himself before we got home and before he had to cook.

As for a rare spoiled day, my 6 yo is particularly persistent and stubborn so that's a difficult tactic with her. She's the kind of kid who can really draw out a tantrum even with no audience. She's outgrowing some of that, but I still find it's better to tread cautiously.

[MJ2.0]

I'd be mad too, azucena. Like others have said, this isn't a game issue. Does it not bother him that he's missing out on so much family time?

[sheilaincali]

azucena I completely understand where you are coming from. Must have been something in the air because the Hubs did the exact same thing. As soon as dinner was done he hopped on the computer and stayed on until I physically shut the light in the family roomoff when I went to bed. As others have said definitely talk to him about it and the parenting side of things. I've never been a fan of the whole "Do as I say, not as I do"parenting style. Sends confusing messages to the kids when they are limited on their screen time while dad gets to play for hours at a time.

[shanendoah]

azucena - How are things going? 

[azucena]

Feb 19, 2019 10:36:06 GMT -5 shanendoah said:

azucena - How are things going? 

I'm still just avoiding the confrontation because I'm tired of going over it.  I hosted 10/11 girls from DD10's class yesterday, and they had a great time crafting, building with legos and spent almost 90 minutes playing hide and seek - who knew that was still fun?  DH was at work, so he didn't get to see how the lack of electronics means they created their own fun.

I do need to find/create a cute sign that says something about leaving cell phones in the kitchen because there was a minor incident when I found three of them huddled around a youtube video.  Once it was put away, they joined right back in with the group.

[shanendoah]

Feb 19, 2019 12:45:33 GMT -5 azucena said:

Feb 19, 2019 10:36:06 GMT -5 shanendoah said:

azucena - How are things going? 

I'm still just avoiding the confrontation because I'm tired of going over it.  I hosted 10/11 girls from DD10's class yesterday, and they had a great time crafting, building with legos and spent almost 90 minutes playing hide and seek - who knew that was still fun?  DH was at work, so he didn't get to see how the lack of electronics means they created their own fun.

I do need to find/create a cute sign that says something about leaving cell phones in the kitchen because there was a minor incident when I found three of them huddled around a youtube video.  Once it was put away, they joined right back in with the group.

Legos, the original Minecraft.



I am glad the girls had a great time. And here's the thing to remind you of - no matter what your DH is doing, your girls will learn the importance of balance because you are teaching it to them. Video games (and board games, and table top role playing games) are all fun, but it is also fun to get out and run around with your friends, to physically build things, to create in the real world.

I won't promise you that your girls will appreciate that anytime in the next 10 years, but they will learn it, and it will carry on with them.



As for the note about leaving cell phones in the kitchen, just make sure the other parents know that is the rule in your house, so that a kid doesn't get in trouble for not answering the phone, or a text, quick enough, based on their own parents' rules.

[cktc]

DH came home from his usual game night, "good news, the next tournament we can set our own matches so it can be whatever day of the week works best for you." So you are going to play twice a week now? "No, I just have to play a match before Thursday, would this weekend be cool? The guy I'm playing cant play weekdays."

So nice that he let's me have so much choice. I vetoed this weekend. We haven't had two days off as a family since the beginning of January. I'm tired of solo parenting. Feel like a bitch now. I wish he would just prioritize his family once in awhile instead of asking me to prioritize for him.

[azucena]

So on fb I ran across some super cute cabin rentals in Branson, MO in the $130/night range and sent the link to DH about keeping them in mind.  He responds - it would be awesome to take the guys gaming there for a weekend...........yeah, that's totally what I had in mind.

Doing my Fri budgeting, there's a $101 debit charge this morning in our joint account for Tidal Blade Heroes.  Google tells me that's fucking kickstarter.  And DH has his own separate account with spending money and a debit card.  I never log in to his account just so I don't have to see how much he spends on stupid shit.  He got paid yesterday which means $100 spending money automatically transferred to his account.  I did log into his account just now, anyone want to guess the balance?
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.
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$109.  Now, based on past experience when I ask him about the kickstarter charge, he will say oh, I guess I used the wrong account, I'll just transfer it over to make up for it.  Why not avoid the whole confrontation and just make darn sure you use the right account every time?!  Anyone else think it's because perhaps I miss the charge which leaves him with more spending money.

And in case you're following along on other threads, I got a significant raise recently, so $100 is probably petty to bicker over.  But, I'm so tired of having these talks, him agreeing to a plan moving fwd, and then messing it up anyway.  If he thinks my raise changes what he can spend, then bring that up and let's discuss it like partners.  Don't go around me.

This when I'm already in the worst mood because it seems like my family keeps being irritating on purpose (DD10 spent yesterday trying to hack into the ipad password, DD6 had a fit about not wanting cookies for snack, and DH 'helped' with the laundry and put a whole load of my work cardigans thru the dryer).

[gs11rmb]

I really don't know what to say azucena it just sounds absolutely exhausting having to deal with your husband.  Kids being annoying is just par for the course but your husband really needs to grow up.

Edit:  just curious but what is the Kickstarter project?

Edited again:  I just used Google and I was about to give your husband kudos for supporting a reef restoration project... sorry it turned out to be another game!

[azucena]

Mar 1, 2019 12:01:49 GMT -5 gs11rmb said:

I really don't know what to say azucena it just sounds absolutely exhausting having to deal with your husband.  Kids being annoying is just par for the course but your husband really needs to grow up.

Edit:  just curious but what is the Kickstarter project?

Edited again:  I just used Google and I was about to give your husband kudos for supporting a reef restoration project... sorry it turned out to be another game!

Yes it's another game - apparently a $100 game.  And again, it would be totally 'invisible' to me if he'd followed our agreement.

Grow up is the same phrase that keeps running through my mind, but he would likely respond that I'd hate any hobby.

Anyway, he just texted me about meeting for lunch, so praying that we can figure some stuff out.  I don't know if I'll bring up the kickstarter because it's really just the tip of the iceberg.

[cktc]

Ugh, sorry azucuena. I'd be inclined to agree with your DH that it isn't about gaming at this point. The problem isn't the games, it's that he isn't acting like your partner. He needs to respect joint decisions, communicate issues, and accept that he needs to compromise instead of just finding ways to work around your agreements. See if you can have a discussion without mentioning games at all. If he keeps circling back to it to make you an anti-gaming villain, call him out on not listening to your issues.

[raeoflyte]

Hugs azucena.  That's so frustrating.