Getting my stuff together

[giramomma]

Sept 4, 2019 9:16:57 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Want to whine a bit.    We're moving at a glacial pace in the right direction and long term we're on target to be all right.

But f******ck getting there is making me want to rip my hair out.    I wish I had realized earlier in our marriage how many of our problems are connected to him being an addict.  I would have taken a much different/harsher path with our finances if I had realized that.

How is he doing with his recovery?

Have you thought long term what you want?

My DH has likely put 6 years, now of sobriety together.

Even after 6 years..he's still really not there. All I do is get more data points that he's a dry drunk...

I'm not really optimistic anymore, that my DH is capable of the real internal change needed for lasting sobriety/recovery.

He's almost worked through all of his steps. He's starting back up with a therapist, but who knows if that will work.

I'm done with school in two years, Miss M starts school in 3. Time is going to fly, and that's my deadline for figuring out how I'm going to move head.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

He seems to be doing all right.   We've been struggling with the stuff he's been self medicating and have been trying meds but they've had some pretty disasterous results.  He's off everything but the Prozac and told me that the panic attacks are rescinding on their own so fingers crossed.   We're both reluctant to try anything else prescription wise.

He's been a lot more open with me.   Some stuff from his past has come out that I was aware of but never stopped to connect to his problems before because he doesn't like to talk about it.  I am not huge into the hypothesis that every issue you have connects back to deep seated child hood trauma but with that being said A LOT of puzzle pieces fall into place when you add in that variable.

I'm trying to get him to go to talk therapy.   In the meantime he is attending NA meetings.

He's helping a lot more around the house and with the kids.   He's starting to at least present a united front with me and disagree in private.  He's starting to get the way he was raised isn't the best approach.   Neither was mine either my dad was too strict so we're finally trying to hash out a middle ground.   The kids are good kids overall but I have noticed a difference now that they aren't able to as easily pit us against each other.

We're working on money.  We're not in the black yet but we're not in the red anymore as far as monthly goes.  I know it's going to take time to day off the debt but we're on a plan where the majority of it will be paid off in the next 4 years. 

We talk a lot more.  I feel a lot less lonely day to day and have stopped impulse shopping so much (I was doing it mainly to get interaction/attention from shop clerks).

Long term I haven't thought very far.   Right now he's been sober four months which is longer than he ever has been in our marriage.  I'd like to see if he can make it an entire year so that's my immediate goal.   Otherwise I suppose I want a partner more than a man child as a long term goal and he is getting there.  

It's just frustrating sometimes.   I have to wrap my brain around the fact that while he's 46 years old he's still stunted maturity wise in a lot of areas.  So while I'm the youngest age wise maturity wise I'm miles ahead and that can be hard to reconcile.

[azucena]

Sept 6, 2019 21:44:40 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Sept 4, 2019 9:16:57 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Want to whine a bit.    We're moving at a glacial pace in the right direction and long term we're on target to be all right.

But f******ck getting there is making me want to rip my hair out.    I wish I had realized earlier in our marriage how many of our problems are connected to him being an addict.  I would have taken a much different/harsher path with our finances if I had realized that.

How is he doing with his recovery?

Have you thought long term what you want?

My DH has likely put 6 years, now of sobriety together.

Even after 6 years..he's still really not there. All I do is get more data points that he's a dry drunk...

I'm not really optimistic anymore, that my DH is capable of the real internal change needed for lasting sobriety/recovery.

He's almost worked through all of his steps. He's starting back up with a therapist, but who knows if that will work.

I'm done with school in two years, Miss M starts school in 3. Time is going to fly, and that's my deadline for figuring out how I'm going to move head.

Gira - do you mind explaining what you mean by this?  DH's father was an alcoholic, and I've often wondered if some of the addiction tendencies play our for DH with his gaming obsession.

[Wisconsin Beth]

I'm not Gira but a quit search for dry drunk got me this meaning: Dry drunk is a informal expression which describes an alcoholic or former alcoholic who no longer drinks but otherwise maintains the same behavior patterns of an alcoholic. They may have many different emotions during the period of them becoming sober.

My understanding of the term is if someone is angry when drunk; they still act angry when not drinking. 

[justme]

To piggy back on Beth's post - it's when the only thing that's changed is whatever was directly caused by the substance. ie for drunks they're no longer stumbling around and passing out drunk but nothing else about their behavior has changed. 

Could also be when the addiction to the substance is moved to something that's not a drug and the behaviors are still the same. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Could also be when the addiction to the substance is moved to something that's not a drug 
That's where we are going back and forth right now.  He replaced drugs with spending though to be fair he's still spending WAY less than he did while on drugs.  We are at least digging out of the hole.

He's only been sober for four months and that is the longest he's ever gone in our marriage so I'm likely being a tad unrealistic to expect he's going to do a complete 180 overnight.   Which is why I decided to put my focus on making it a year sober before I start considering anything else barring a relapse.

He is making strides but he is going to have to face whatever that underlying trigger is and learn healthy coping skills otherwise it's a matter of time.   

[TheOtherMe]

My BIL is an alcoholic.  His words.  He hasn't had a drink of alcohol in over 20 years but he says if he had one drink today, he would be drinking the way he was back in those years.

My sister thought it was college fun.  Turned out it wasn't.  I know there was a point when she told him to choose between her and the kids or the booze.  He chose the family.  

I know she was ready to divorce him.  I was not aware of it because I lived in Colorado.  My parents were because they had seen him drunk.  

I had seen him drunk but it was the night before their wedding, after the bachelor party.  Doing the bachelor party on a different weekend is a much better idea.  One of his groomsmen passed out during the wedding.  

[geenamercile]

DH's grandmother passed away on Sunday. We will go to the funeral on Saturday. It will be interesting. I have always gotten along with/ love my ILs dearly. They know we are having issues, I just don't know how much of the issues they know about.  I am tempted to put my wedding ring back on just to avoid questions, but at the same time I can see YDD mentioning that we are sharing a room too.  A is looking to move out at the end of the month so we will see how we figure out rooms and stuff after that.  

[giramomma]

For my DH it's the lying that he can't seem to get over. Rooted in some pretty bad toxic shame about his behaviors. Whatever DH puts on himself, it's quite a bit worse than anything I could say to him.

Dh lies to me when he's high. Lies to me when he's sober. Hasn't made the connection yet that the lying is part of his addictive behavior set. DH just thinks its the act of getting high that he needs to get after.

Although I think maybe I might have gotten through to him that he needs to deal with the lying.

I asked him point blank "You know I won't tolerate the lying. You know that's risking our separation. Yet you lie to me anyway. Doesn't that sound like how you acted when you were getting high?" I also pointed out that he generally lies to protect himself and his addiction....understandable that he does it while he's actually getting high..but he shouldn't be doing that while he's sober if he's really recovering.

For the most part, DH hasn't been able to develop empathy towards me, but that's gotten better in the last year. A year ago, I was having panic attacks from being triggered with regards to his behavior. He just stood there and stared at me, literally slack-jawed. Once I looked at him and said "Jeezus, if I'm really having a medical event..you are going to do jack shit about it, aren't you."

A few weeks ago, essentially, DH preferred  to hurt me (by making fun out of me in front of the kids) rather than use his words to assert a boundary.

For a while these sorts of scenarios were cropping up pretty frequently. Now, after 6 years, he's down to them happening every 3-4 months.

So, we'll see.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

For DH it's the instant gratification/impulsiveness/selfishness that he is struggling to get over.  I have been hammering home it's not about you.   Yes you "make good money" but that doesn't mean you get to spend every penny because you have a family to support.  Not only that *I* make good money too and you are spending MY pennies too.

"Well you can spend too".  No I can't honey because you spend so much of our pennies that there are $0 left for me and you also proceed to start digging into the money for bills.   I should not have to be playing "guess which bill to pay" games at this stage in our lives and especially when are making more than we ever have.

I pointed out you haven't actually changed you just switched the vice.  Sure it's a "less" expensive vice but it's still a huge problem.   I decided to stop holding punches when it comes to our money, did the math and shoved the calculator in his face.   Seeing what he actually spends vs what he THINKS he is spending seems to have sobered him up a bit.

We're out of the red gave him credit for that BUT we need to start working on rebuilding our financial stability.  I can't do that if he keeps up with the same behavior patterns.

[Deleted]

You know, NomoreDramaQ1015 and giramomma, you guys make caregiving seem like a walk in the park.  At least my husband is grateful for what I try to do for him.

[giramomma]

Sept 12, 2019 18:26:45 GMT -5 @bamafan1954 said:

You know, NomoreDramaQ1015 and giramomma , you guys make caregiving seem like a walk in the park.  At least my husband is grateful for what I try to do for him.

I dunno about that @bamafan1954

My husband is grateful for me. He's just slow.

Seriously. Though, we we didn't have power on Tuesday, he got up, dressed had a plan, and then followed through on the plan. All I had to do was manage myself and Miss M. so I could get my homework done.

He also still does more than a lot of men do...and more than some SAHMs do.

My problem is sometimes I let the 15-20% of crap override the 80-85% good. And I don't talk about the 80-85% much here.  The first time around, I was also less demanding. Now. I want it all. The kids, the house, the job, the great marriage. I want it all at the same time.  I deserve it. So I will demand it of my husband. I think he can do it.

[Deleted]

Sept 12, 2019 19:50:39 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Sept 12, 2019 18:26:45 GMT -5 @bamafan1954 said:

You know, NomoreDramaQ1015 and giramomma , you guys make caregiving seem like a walk in the park.  At least my husband is grateful for what I try to do for him.

I dunno about that @bamafan1954

My husband is grateful for me. He's just slow.

Seriously. Though, we we didn't have power on Tuesday, he got up, dressed had a plan, and then followed through on the plan. All I had to do was manage myself and Miss M. so I could get my homework done.

He also still does more than a lot of men do...and more than some SAHMs do.

My problem is sometimes I let the 15-20% of crap override the 80-85% good. And I don't talk about the 80-85% much here.  The first time around, I was also less demanding. Now. I want it all. The kids, the house, the job, the great marriage. I want it all at the same time.  I deserve it. So I will demand it of my husband. I think he can do it.

If I made you think about the things he does right, then that makes me happy! 

[empress of self-improvement]

Sept 12, 2019 18:26:45 GMT -5 @bamafan1954 said:

You know, NomoreDramaQ1015 and giramomma , you guys make caregiving seem like a walk in the park.  At least my husband is grateful for what I try to do for him.

My DH see-saws between grateful and acting like a toddler. One minute he's hollering/bitching/kvetching at me because I'm picking his feet up wrong then the next he's apologizing for giving me backaches and waking me up in the middle of the night for bathroom runs. Bleah.

I seem to have traded in my alcoholism for overspending as well. I do not know why but I usually stay home during the week but when I go out on the weekends...I'm waiting for the damn credit card to spontaneously combust one of these days. BUT!!! I am trying to change it. I bought a used elliptical last week and I've been working on my rooms upstairs so they'll be more comfortble to hide away in when I can't do anymore yard work. I got myMIL's daybed so now I have somewhere cozy to crash. After the requisite check for cat puke, that is. One of them barfed on my desk this week. I am not happy about that.

[Deleted]

Sept 12, 2019 20:07:38 GMT -5 empress of self-improvement said:

Sept 12, 2019 18:26:45 GMT -5 @bamafan1954 said:

You know, NomoreDramaQ1015 and giramomma , you guys make caregiving seem like a walk in the park.  At least my husband is grateful for what I try to do for him.

My DH see-saws between grateful and acting like a toddler. One minute he's hollering/bitching/kvetching at me because I'm picking his feet up wrong then the next he's apologizing for giving me backaches and waking me up in the middle of the night for bathroom runs. Bleah.

I seem to have traded in my alcoholism for overspending as well. I do not know why but I usually stay home during the week but when I go out on the weekends...I'm waiting for the damn credit card to spontaneously combust one of these days. BUT!!! I am trying to change it. I bought a used elliptical last week and I've been working on my rooms upstairs so they'll be more comfortble to hide away in when I can't do anymore yard work. I got myMIL's daybed so now I have somewhere cozy to crash. After the requisite check for cat puke, that is. One of them barfed on my desk this week. I am not happy about that.

I usually escape to the deck for an hour to listen to music.  Unlike you, though, I still drink so I have a couple of beers while I decompress.  DH knows it is how I keep my sanity.  I make sure the dog is walked and he has a couple of treats to throw at her if she starts pestering him to play, etc.

That one hour is more important to me than most of you can even start to imagine.  

[gs11rmb]

Sept 12, 2019 20:07:38 GMT -5 empress of self-improvement said:

Sept 12, 2019 18:26:45 GMT -5 @bamafan1954 said:

You know, NomoreDramaQ1015 and giramomma , you guys make caregiving seem like a walk in the park.  At least my husband is grateful for what I try to do for him.

My DH see-saws between grateful and acting like a toddler. One minute he's hollering/bitching/kvetching at me because I'm picking his feet up wrong then the next he's apologizing for giving me backaches and waking me up in the middle of the night for bathroom runs. Bleah.

I seem to have traded in my alcoholism for overspending as well. I do not know why but I usually stay home during the week but when I go out on the weekends...I'm waiting for the damn credit card to spontaneously combust one of these days. BUT!!! I am trying to change it. I bought a used elliptical last week and I've been working on my rooms upstairs so they'll be more comfortble to hide away in when I can't do anymore yard work. I got myMIL's daybed so now I have somewhere cozy to crash. After the requisite check for cat puke, that is. One of them barfed on my desk this week. I am not happy about that.

My uncle had MS and while he was lots of fun I could also see that he was very hard to live with full time.  I've wondered what part of that was his personality and what part was being controlled by MS.  It's a complicated and cruel disease.

[Sam_2.0]

You all. ♡

[Sam_2.0]

I've been absent here. Probably too much for me to catch up on now. I found a smaller group of women and men from the same religious backgrounds that are in the midst of this shit, and they are helping a ton too. I miss you all a lot ♡ I keep up with many on FB but I miss being here too.

Long story short, not divorced or filed yet. But it seems to be inevitable. Trying to keep myself safe and kids safe and honestly exit this with everyone functioning as some kind of family. H is working on parenting and adulting and doing well there.

[Wisconsin Beth]

So glad to hear from you Sam_2.0  It's good you found a support group.  Are they online or in your area? 

[andi9899]

Glad to see you back. You've been missed.

[Chocolate Lover]

Glad to see you back and that you found a good support group 

[ners]

Sam_2.0  I am glad you found a support group that works for you.  I do miss your posts.  Take care.   Please keep us posted when you can.

[Pants]

Thanks for update - given your posts on FB, worried we'd driven you away. Glad that's not the case - regardless of how it all resolves. 

[Wisconsin Beth]

Anyone heard from Sam_2.0 lately?  How'd her holidays go? 

[justme]

Jan 14, 2020 9:39:55 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

Anyone heard from Sam_2.0 lately?  How'd her holidays go? 

She's posted pretty regularly on Facebook, but I see more interesting articles/memes she's posted in my feed. They seemed to go well from the posts I saw, but people usually don't post bad things on social media. 

[countrygirl2]

Nobodies life is perfect the first 13 of ours was a battle royal, our poor kids. Hubs worked all week but if he had one drink on the weekend, he was done. Sometimes he would get drunk and sleep in his truck. He passed out on the steps coming into the house before it was awful. I basically left him and went to Texas, couldn't stand it anymore. Of course his family hated ME!

He came down, got in a bad wreck, yep drunk.  He had been working long hours that time and went to help at the American Legion put a new ceiling in. I told him you are worn out, you start drinking its going to do you in cause you can't stop.  He was trying to get home, passed out, hit the base of a stop light, it was really bad. Nobody would help because it was my fault for dragging him down there.  I made it, had a good boss. He was in the hospital forever, but we had 2 union insurances and a policy that paid us too, so financially were fine. I figured he would never drink again. WRONG Since he was an equipment operator there was concern he could ever work at that again, had a plate put in his arm and surgery on a knee and leg. broken ribs. He was in a bad way.  He said you might as well forget it because I'm going to drink. Again working long hours on Friday nights would sometimes drink a 6 pack on the way home.  One night he pulled over and went to sleep. A cop tried to wake him up, you do not wake up a drunk. He got arrested, put in jail. A $1000 to get him out.  He had to go to court and was put on a years probation.  I said you know,  you are going to kill yourself or someone else and I can be poor with  you or without you.  I guess you have a choice.  He said I will quit drinking.  I did not trust him, anytime he was late I was afraid he was drinking. I worried for a couple of years he did not drink. I knew if we lived back home he would, that's all the guys here did, so I was not about to come back.  His dad had been a drinker all his life car wreck messed up an eye. He didn't quit till he got old and couldn't anymore.  

His brother also had a real problem with drinking, I drank back then too but just to get even, I could take it or leave it.  Hubs said I could keep drinking, but I felt with him stopping I was not about to so didn't either.  I think our son was 14 or 16 before he finally quit, all he had heard was fighting, it was sad.  But hubs got it together, started doing better at work. Meet a guy that mentored him with the company he was with and he did great after that.  While he was working in Africa we got a call, his brother was drunk and got killed in a carwreck. The guy was president of a union local, great job, good family. That would have happened to hubs too.  So our journey has not be easy, I'm telling you this as there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I think now that is why hubs gets so irritable and mad at times. He doesn't really have friends, I worried about coming back here because of the drinking. Now a lot are old and can't or are dead.  And he just never did again, so we made it, but man it was not easy.