Getting my stuff together

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Not going to judge on the cheating.

But I am going to judge on the winning thing. You've ripped off the band aid now it's time to heal.

While your DH is a major douche he is still a human being. It's not fair to him either for you to drag it out now. You both need to start moving on and healing.

This will be harsh but if you let your emotions get to you and make this a competition you're no better than him. You want to be able to still look in the mirror when all this is done.

You made a mistake don't compound it. Take a couple days to get in a calm headspace and then meet with your lawyer. You're already out the door time to make it official.

[buystoys]

Jun 22, 2019 8:18:33 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Not going to judge on the cheating.

But I am going to judge on the winning thing. You've ripped off the band aid now it's time to heal.

While your DH is a major douche he is still a human being. It's not fair to him either for you to drag it out now. You both need to start moving on and healing.

This will be harsh but if you let your emotions get to you and make this a competition you're no better than him. You want to be able to still look in the mirror when all this is done.

You made a mistake don't compound it. Take a couple days to get in a calm headspace and then meet with your lawyer. You're already out the door time to make it official.

[raeoflyte]

This post probably says more about me than you Sam, but just some random thoughts.

I get the winning thing. You don't want the narrative to end on that note after everything you've put up with. It sucks for him to have an out for the divorce that turns him into a victim.

You aren't going to change his narrative much. You've told him you want a divorce multiple times, but he's turned those conversations into his change catalysts so you wait some more. I think you've waited for his mutual agreement on the divorce. So I'd try to change your narrative. Whether some part of this was to force that or not, you can let him have that win. He can save face in front of his family and you can be free. Or at least as free as possible.

Staying just to try to change the story sounds like torture for everyone.

*hugs*

[oped]

And frankly, you didn’t seem able to pull the final trigger before... how would waiting around to try to change the narrative help that now? How long would that take? To what outcome? Are you going to, ironically, let him use this as a way to keep you? Stay or he tells?

It’s over. You’ve known it’s over. You’ve said it’s over. Your body and mind and spirit want to move forward. Was this the most advisable impetus? Nah. But it’s here. Use it to move forward. Don’t let it be a noose that draws you back.

[justme]

And honestly, from all you've written your husband struck me as someone who was going to go for the victim angle in the divorce no matter what.

[oped]

Do you need physical support or help moving? Anything like that?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I get the wanting to win believe me but it can consume your soul. Don't let them take your dignity and self respect too.

What is done is done. It just gives him more ammo to turn things into a competition.

The best way to win IMHO is to admit the mistake. You are human and based on your previous posts nobody around you has the right to cast stones. You aren't the one looking at eternity in hell God has bigger fish to fry in your family.

Then hold your head high and do the adult thing. Show everyone including him you are a smart woman capable of self reflection and getting shit done. You aren't going to let anyone control your destiny.

[debthaven]

You need to do what's best for you and your kids in the longer run. What's best for YOU will be what's best for your kids.

You've done the hardest part.

I think you need to take things to their logical conclusion now.

Hugs my friend.

[NastyWoman]

Sam_2.0 I have a question for you, but I don't expect an answer since this is really just for your own reflection.  Are you sure you didn't leave a while ago? from what I've seen slowly, little by little the joy has left your eyes. And your BoB work lately has, from my POV, become so intense that it has started to look like an escape. Please believe that you are worthy of happiness. But it won't come by itself, you will have to find it. 

If nothing else, what happened this weekend should show you that living in a room mate situation will not be enough for the next couple of decades.

Know you have many friends here who love you and I am one of them.

[WholeLottaNothin]

I don't sign on for a weekend and I miss everything

Lost-2-Water - I agree with what everyone else has already said. I think you know what you need to do. This would not have happened if you were not already checked out. Rip off the Band-Aid. There will be no perfect time. We are all here for you.

[Wisconsin Beth]

I know WholeLottaNothin, I only got to here today. 

[Deleted]

I agree with everyone else.  Time to admit it's over.  Nobody wins...or everybody wins.  Whichever way you want to look at it I guess.    Divorce sucks, I will attest to that, but you get through it. 

[Pants]

Jun 21, 2019 22:26:24 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

So. As the OP and resident drama maker...

This is a fucking shit show.

I cheated on H. With the one you all would guess. I *know*. I know. I tried for so long to keep the upper hand. And in there somewhere I just finally wanted to get laid.

And oh boy, did I.

It's been more years than I can count since that happened. It was all me. I was in charge here. I 100% said when it would happen.and OMG. It was so amazing.

H found out because he tracked my phone. Rookie mistake on my part. Creepy stalker on his. Obvs we all had issues.

So. H found out. Hes pissed, obviously. But he didnt leave. I had my out but didnt leave, because I felt like shit and didnt want that to be the catalyst. I've put up with too much to have it end like that. No fucking way he is going to win that easily after all that has happened.

So. Here it is.

Dude. 

One of you needs to go. 

Both of you are hitting the button that says GET THE FUCK OUT. One of you needs to have the courage to stop hitting the button and actually do it. 

The longer you stay, the worse it's going to be. I'm sorry. This all sucks. 

[cktc]

When my ex and I split we had a small battle to "win" the narrative. He had an affair, but didn't want to be the bad guy, wanted me to be the one to leave. I would get so upset when I heard he'd told friends, family or neighbors xyz, painting himself as a victim. Then one day I quit caring. The people who knew and loved me were going to support me, just as he had his tribe. I certainly didn't need the approval of those who weren't close or were closer to him.

It happened. You can't unring the bell. You can wait it out, try to spin it, get some people on your side who will only accept you under certain conditions, or you can accept it, accept yourself, and embrace whatever may come. Let people love you warts and all.

[giramomma]

Won't ding you on the exit affair, either.

But, you do need to lawyer up, file ASAP, and make sure you don't do anything to give your spouse ammunition in the mean time.

Personally, I need to do better at keeping my side of the street clean, in case DH and I separate or divorce.

[debthaven]

Are you OK Sam_2.0?

[oped]

She’s been on Facebook. Seems ok. But Facebook is pretty much for seeming ok. She has been doing her service projects.

[debthaven]

Thanks Oped.

[MJ2.0]

Oh Sam, I could have written a lot of your post. Hormones, man....them tings be STRONG!

Fuck the narrative - you have spent enough time denying the inevitable. I already know I’m an evil witch in the eyes of X’s family. But I’m HAPPIER now. You need to let go of what They will say/think. They are not you, They are not living your life, you do NOT owe Them any explanation/excuse/whatever. You have one life - you have to live it in YOUR best way.

We are all in your corner. You deserve happiness - you may not agree right now and I can totally relate to that.... but you do. We all make mistakes. Don’t let this define who you are. Because you are AMAZING.

[geenamercile]

DH and I are getting a divorce.  I don't see any other path.  I don't think I am a terrible person, and I know he isn't.  And it isn't that we don't each love the other one, because we do.  We just aren't happy with each other.  And over all it just sucks.  Not sure what the narrative will be, I guess it will depend on where you stand.  Not loving the way he dropped the news to the girls and put me on the spot with it, but honestly they most likely have overheard more then what I would have liked over the past few days.  I don't think there can be doubt we tried all we could, and maybe not having that doubt it what I was waiting for.  I am still in the overwhelmed stage.  This sucks.        

[cktc]

Big hugs, geena. It sounds like you've made the right decision for your family, but that doesn't make it easier.

[andi9899]

I'm sorry. I hope it works out ok for you all.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Jun 30, 2019 11:14:32 GMT -5 geenamercile said:

DH and I are getting a divorce.  I don't see any other path.  I don't think I am a terrible person, and I know he isn't.  And it isn't that we don't each love the other one, because we do.  We just aren't happy with each other.  And over all it just sucks.  Not sure what the narrative will be, I guess it will depend on where you stand.  Not loving the way he dropped the news to the girls and put me on the spot with it, but honestly they most likely have overheard more then what I would have liked over the past few days.  I don't think there can be doubt we tried all we could, and maybe not having that doubt it what I was waiting for.  I am still in the overwhelmed stage.  This sucks.        

[wvugurl26]

Hugs geena.

[raeoflyte]

Big hugs.

[TheOtherMe]

Jun 30, 2019 11:14:32 GMT -5 geenamercile said:

DH and I are getting a divorce.  I don't see any other path.  I don't think I am a terrible person, and I know he isn't.  And it isn't that we don't each love the other one, because we do.  We just aren't happy with each other.  And over all it just sucks.  Not sure what the narrative will be, I guess it will depend on where you stand.  Not loving the way he dropped the news to the girls and put me on the spot with it, but honestly they most likely have overheard more then what I would have liked over the past few days.  I don't think there can be doubt we tried all we could, and maybe not having that doubt it what I was waiting for.  I am still in the overwhelmed stage.  This sucks.        

[geenamercile]

And now DH wants to change his mind.  It certainly would be easier in all ways, including emotionally if he stayed on the same page.  But over all we need to do a year separation first.  E and A will need to move out, I know this.  I already talked to E and will talk to A when she gets home.  We will start the separation in the house, with me taking over one of the bedrooms, and once A moves out one of us will move in the basement area.  The girls will each be able to have their own room.  A year seems like a long time for limbo, and who knows maybe a miracle will happen.  But for now at least taking the steps towards the divorce is the right thing to do. 

DH will need to get a job no matter what.  I don't know if we will keep the house for sell it.  I would be able to afford to keep it, I don't know about DH.  Part of me, for myself, just wants to sell it and start over but if the girls want to stay here then I most likely will keep it.  Really I have months to make that choice, but the planner in me wants to plan. 

I have already decided that I am picking my own last name.  I don't want to go back to my maiden name, but I won't keep my married name either.  Something to do with dragons....  I will have time to choose that as well.      

[oped]

Geena are you guys in counseling? It might be good to have a third party as you hash stuff out.

[Deleted]

I am sorry, geenamercile.  It is a difficult decision and even more difficult process.

Are E and A renters, roommates, or something?  

I laughed at the dragons-something for a last name.  I kept DH's, and then I remarried.  What a mess!  I was a teacher, and I didn't want new DH to be known as Mr. Ex-DH.  And I hated all of the name changing!  I still find stufff and places where they haven't changed it.  The gas company wanted to charge me for a name change!  No thank you.  It is paid electronically, and I don't care/they don't care whose name is really on it.

If I had it to do over, I would have gone back to my maiden name.  It would have been less confusing to everyone.

Think about it.

[geenamercile]

Nope to the maiden name. Don't want that tie to my parents.