Getting my stuff together

[Pants]

Aug 17, 2019 20:12:53 GMT -5 geenamercile said:

We had pizza for dinner tonight. It was my brother's favorite food. Today would have been his birthday. E seems to be the only one who remembers when he called today. I don't even thunks dh remembers. I wonder if he remembers that today is also his sisters anniversary. I should remind him of that just in case. ODD did come and lay with me a bit while I was looking at some pictures of him. I feel like such a downer lately and yet I still have to kepp everything going. It is hard.

I'm sorry for the loss of your brother, Geena. Be kind to yourself today. 

Whether your husband remembers his sisters anniversary should be filed under "definitely not geenas problem." You're not his mom. You're separating. You don't have to be his social director. 

[wvugurl26]

Be kind to yourself geena. Today and in the coming days. I'm sorry no one else remembers.

[geenamercile]

I reminded him. To be honest for two reasons. One is because I really love my inlaws and I know she would like to hear from him. I already sent my own meesage to them. Second just to see. He thanked me but it really did confirm that he didn't remember it was my brothers birthday. They had gotten married the year after his death and a part of me was hoping dh would remember what a mess I was that day. How hard it was to hold it together for the wedding and getting the girls ready for it. But at the same time not handling the day well. But he really does have no idea.

[ners]

geenamercile

[raeoflyte]

Aug 17, 2019 21:25:13 GMT -5 wvugurl26 said:

Be kind to yourself geena. Today and in the coming days. I'm sorry no one else remembers.

  

[Wisconsin Beth]

Aug 17, 2019 20:15:55 GMT -5 geenamercile said:

And thanks all for just taking the time to read. It is hard for me to put things out there both online and in real life. I guess I am fully entrenched with being the person supporting others.

It's hard.  But I hit a point where I just had nothing left to give in terms of support to DH and the kids.  And I kind of start staggering from one thing to the next.  Or it feels more obvious that I'm staggering around.  Eventually DH picks up on it and steps up.  Or my Mom will do or say something that helps. 

I'm on a really good stretch right now.  DH is currently on muscle relaxers and tension relievers.  And I think they're working.  He's being less obnoxious and more present right now.  Household stuff is sort of falling into place on it's own.  So It's setting ME up to be more on top of things and the more on top of things I am, the good stretch continues and the bobbles are easier to catch up from. 

[WholeLottaNothin]

But I hit a point where I just had nothing left to give in terms of support to DH and the kids.

I hit that point more often than I care to admit. My DH is doing better, it definitely helps, but it feels like I have been carrying the load for so long that I am drained to the max. My patience is lacking, I can tell, and I feel bad because I don't mean to be short with people, and afterwards I feel guilty. My mom has been a godsend. I don't think I could manage without her. She helps me with the kids most every weekend so stuff can get done around the house that gets neglected during the week and I get a little break. I have finally gotten my husband to call places and make his own appointments. I know it sounds small potatoes, but it is a relief. I feel his parents, especially his mother, did him a disservice doing everything for everyone. I feel like his mother sometimes, teaching him how to do things, and that makes me resentful. I feel like we're on an upswing right now and hope it lasts and continues to improve.

[Wisconsin Beth]

I hope so too WholeLottaNothin

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

But I hit a point where I just had nothing left to give in terms of support to DH and the kids.

Same.  DH asked me why the sudden interest in tattoos and I said it's because they are mine.   I feel like I've had so much taken from me lately as a wife, mother and employee that there is nothing left of me.   Especially in the case of being a wife and employee.

I don't have to share my tattoos. , I don't have to sacrifice my tattoos because somebody else feels that their priorities are higher than mine (see the Job thread where the front office tried to block my vacation last week due to their mistake).  My tattoos don't ask anything of me.

So yeah.  I've been having an exitensial crisis the last couple of years and felt like rebelling.  I think it's high time I get to "rebel" don't you think considering what I've been put thru?

Things are getting better, it's slow going but things are getting better.  He's been sober now longer than he's ever been which is definitely progress.    I also know that my manager has my back here which I really appreciate.

Still the resentment factor is high.   Going to Colorado last week really helped even though according to YM standards I had no business going/affording it.   I needed to be someplace that speaks to a part of my soul that doesn't get out very often anymore.   That has helped ground me and is also the inspiration for tattoo #3.

[Wisconsin Beth]

I've been known to stake something out as mine and refuse to share with DH and the kids.  In general, it's a food/beverage item they're not interested in anyway.  It's also camping lately.  If DH doesn't want to come, he can stay home, with or without the kids.  But I am going to Rhinelander on Friday and coming back on Sunday.  I skipped the last 2 weekends because of other family stuff. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I try to stake out stuff that I refuse to share but they tend to ignore me or "want to try it"  then I come back to half of it gone.  I am tired of having to try to find things I like that they won't.  That's not fair to me that I have to survey all their tastes and preferences before I can have something that's exclusively mine.

They can't make off with my tattoos.   Maybe if you didn't like the idea of me doing something permenant you should have gotten the message when I was hiding food.

That's not the only reason I got my tattoos, I've always wanted one and now I can afford them.   It was a huge impetus though for me deciding to get off my ass and get my first one for my 35th birthday though.

[Deleted]

It's super easy for me to hide food from my kids.  I just put it in the hall closet with the cleaning supplies...they NEVER go in there.  Or, if it needs to be refrigerated, I put it in the drawer with the veggies.  Again.  Not a place they look. 

Other than that, the only thing I have staked out is my spot on the couch.  I'll all "Sheldon" on them there.  Either kid or the cats know they have to get out of my spot as soon as I walk in the room. 

[andi9899]

Aug 20, 2019 12:12:12 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

It's super easy for me to hide food from my kids.  I just put it in the hall closet with the cleaning supplies...they NEVER go in there.  Or, if it needs to be refrigerated, I put it in the drawer with the veggies.  Again.  Not a place they look. 

Other than that, the only thing I have staked out is my spot on the couch.  I'll all "Sheldon" on them there.  Either kid or the cats know they have to get out of my spot as soon as I walk in the room. 

I'm a total Sheldon at home. The twins always try to take my spot. They usually move when I sit on them though.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Aug 20, 2019 12:12:12 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

It's super easy for me to hide food from my kids.  I just put it in the hall closet with the cleaning supplies...they NEVER go in there.  Or, if it needs to be refrigerated, I put it in the drawer with the veggies.  Again.  Not a place they look. 

Other than that, the only thing I have staked out is my spot on the couch.  I'll all "Sheldon" on them there.  Either kid or the cats know they have to get out of my spot as soon as I walk in the room. 

My Mom used to hide chocolate chips in the big freezer in the basement - in opaque containers labeled "Shredded Zuchinni" so we wouldn't steal them.  She wasn't hiding them from us so she could eat them - she was hiding them so she'd have them to bake cookies with!

[lund]

My mother used to hide the Christmas cookies in the freezer in opaque containers clearly labeled "fish pudding" or "stewed liver", knowing that nobody would search those....

[WholeLottaNothin]

My cousin stopped by my work yesterday unexpectedly and asked if I wanted to go to lunch. So we went to get pizza at a place across the street. We talked about random stuff, and towards the end of lunch she says she has a bombshell to tell me. Apparently she and her husband are getting a divorce. I did not see this one coming, though in hindsight there were a few cracks I have noticed, though nothing that would make me think divorce. She said they have been living as roommates for the last 6 years and it wasn't changing for the better. They haven't told their kids yet. I feel bad for her, I was in their wedding. She is like a sister, even more so since mine died. She asked him for a reason, but didn't sound like he ever gave her a definite one, though it sounds pretty obvious once she gave details. This is his second marriage/divorce, her first. He is 14 years older than us. He is a nice person, but when it doesn't work it just doesn't work.

[geenamercile]

Things are okay with DH.  Having my own space is helping me some.  And doing the PE and Art with ODD seems to be good for both of them.  The things I really can't fault him on is being a dad and home maker.  We enjoy eachother's company.  But I still feel like I have more emotional support/closeness/openness with more then a few of my friends then him.  I feel like we are one of those old T.V sitcom marriages right now.  I'm not sure if this is a positive or negative update  but it is what it is.   

[finnime]

It's not a bad thing to appreciate the good in what is. It's not enough, but it's not wholly bad, and maybe that's enough for a time.

[geenamercile]

Yea I still have plan A going with the separation.  And I know if plan B staying together is going to have any shot of working I need to work on the walls I have built up too.  Letting myself be open and vulnerable with him again is going to be a challenge and I don't know if I am up for it.  Having my own space is giving me time to think and self reflect some.      

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Want to whine a bit.    We're moving at a glacial pace in the right direction and long term we're on target to be all right.

But f******ck getting there is making me want to rip my hair out.    I wish I had realized earlier in our marriage how many of our problems are connected to him being an addict.  I would have taken a much different/harsher path with our finances if I had realized that.

He's trying he really is but JFC this should not be that hard for someone in his 40's to grasp.   We are out of the red but we're still having issues with him spending every leftover penny leaving us paycheck to paycheck outside of a very small EF.  I told him last night you got me budgeting practically by the freaking hour.   It's exhausting I want to get back to month to month.

I told him the only way I can think of to budget is nobody gets to spend anything because he might spend it.  He said that's not fair and I said no shit maybe think about that before you swipe your damn card.  I am also still considering the idea of removing him completely from our accounts and he gets a pre-paid debit card loaded at the end of every month.

Part of my whining is that the dentist wants Gwen to see an orthodontist.  I knew this was coming because she has a small jaw like me.    My insurance covers a small bit of orthodontia for kids (no adults) and we have the funds in the HSA.   But I am upset because that money was supposed to go to MY braces.    I have no issues sacrificing/putting off for the girls but I would have the money for both if someone hadn't blown a small fortune on his vices. 

It's not something I think about every day.  If we are going to stay married I have to be willing to try and hating his guts every day doesn't achieve that.   I remind myself we are moving in the right direction, debt is (slowly) going down and we are not in the hole. We did get to Colorado because we managed to keep the money saved.   

 We have discussed DH getting a part time job, the best route would be having dad put him on the payroll.  We already help out there several times a week and my dad is willing to be a lot more flexible with DH coming/going than any other employer is going to be.   It's not much but he could use that as spending money and leave the account alone.

I mean we make more money than we ever have.  Another big drop in daycare expenses happened with Abby starting school   Sure we have car payments now but that should not be eating up the amount that is disappearing every month. We should be sitting pretty and we aren't.  I get tired of living like a college student on a day to day basis.   Focusing on the long term only takes me so far on some days.

[andi9899]

Take this with a grain of salt as I refuse to be married. If he's spending money like that then he needs to get a second job. Why should you be putting up with the things that you are at work and at home just to have him running around town buying things? To me the second job would give him the extra cash to spend like he wants, but also limit his time and ability to spend the money he makes. If your dad is ok with him coming and going as he pleases, why not?

[justme]

That really sucks that he hasn't grasped how much you have sacrificed to make up for his irresponsible spending. You'd hope he'd eventually get to a spot and realize all that you've done and voluntarily make sacrifices himself and allow you to have money to spend to make up for all that he frittered away. 

I think the pre-paid debit card is a good idea - he gets what he gets and that's it. The second job may work too, but I think I would push him towards working for your dad for another reason. If the second job is all his spending money with his addictive personality he might ask for a lot of hours so he can have "enough" money for whatever he wants to the detriment to family time. Whereas I would think your dad would be mindful of that and not schedule him for so many hours that he'd never see the kids.

[raeoflyte]

Sept 4, 2019 9:16:57 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Want to whine a bit.    We're moving at a glacial pace in the right direction and long term we're on target to be all right.

But f******ck getting there is making me want to rip my hair out.    I wish I had realized earlier in our marriage how many of our problems are connected to him being an addict.  I would have taken a much different/harsher path with our finances if I had realized that.

He's trying he really is but JFC this should not be that hard for someone in his 40's to grasp.   We are out of the red but we're still having issues with him spending every leftover penny leaving us paycheck to paycheck outside of a very small EF.  I told him last night you got me budgeting practically by the freaking hour.   It's exhausting I want to get back to month to month.

I told him the only way I can think of to budget is nobody gets to spend anything because he might spend it.  He said that's not fair and I said no shit maybe think about that before you swipe your damn card.  I am also still considering the idea of removing him completely from our accounts and he gets a pre-paid debit card loaded at the end of every month.

Part of my whining is that the dentist wants Gwen to see an orthodontist.  I knew this was coming because she has a small jaw like me.    My insurance covers a small bit of orthodontia for kids (no adults) and we have the funds in the HSA.   But I am upset because that money was supposed to go to MY braces.    I have no issues sacrificing/putting off for the girls but I would have the money for both if someone hadn't blown a small fortune on his vices. 

It's not something I think about every day.  If we are going to stay married I have to be willing to try and hating his guts every day doesn't achieve that.   I remind myself we are moving in the right direction, debt is (slowly) going down and we are not in the hole. We did get to Colorado because we managed to keep the money saved.   

 We have discussed DH getting a part time job, the best route would be having dad put him on the payroll.  We already help out there several times a week and my dad is willing to be a lot more flexible with DH coming/going than any other employer is going to be.   It's not much but he could use that as spending money and leave the account alone.

I mean we make more money than we ever have.  Another big drop in daycare expenses happened with Abby starting school   Sure we have car payments now but that should not be eating up the amount that is disappearing every month. We should be sitting pretty and we aren't.  I get tired of living like a college student on a day to day basis.   Focusing on the long term only takes me so far on some days.

Do this now.  If he was actually 100% on board with becoming a full partner, he'd be coming to you with this as a solution.  I realize he has a tough road and may not be there yet, but acknowledging the cause of the issue doesn't abdicate him from the consequences of his actions.  That is literally the kindest consequence I can think of for someone who has put his wants above his families needs over and over again.  

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Dad is on vacation right now so DH needs to talk to him when he gets back.  I'm strongly pushing it.  

It's that or I really bring down the hammer financially because there is zero reason for our budget to look like it does considering our expenses and our current salary.  I told him a few weeks ago if you want to be a partner and have me quit treating you like a third kid then you need to start acting like it.  Otherwise I have to do what I need to do to protect us as a family, even if it ends up  humiliating you.

In the meantime I've been working with the girls now on money/spending.   I am not going to raise them the way his parents did him.    So far Abby has taken to it like a duck to water, she meticulously saved spare change she found around the house and on the ground to buy herself something in Colorado (I made up the difference but she doesn't know that ).

Gwen has been a little trickier.   She's more like DH.    She followed the budget I set for her school clothes but then had a fit because I would not buy her shoes too.   I did point out to her I got $75 in Justice bucks so if she waits she can get TWO pairs of shoes for less than the one.  If she kept it up with the fit then she wasn't getting anything because I discovered *I* can fit in Justice clothes too and will use the bucks to embarass her at pick up instead.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

If the second job is all his spending money with his addictive personality he might ask for a lot of hours so he can have "enough" money for whatever he wants to the detriment to family time. Whereas I would think your dad would be mindful of that and not schedule him for so many hours that he'd never see the kids.

Unlikely.   Dad is building up staff but still needs someone who is experienced, especially if my brother actually goes to school (for the love of a God who may or may not exist let this happen) from time to time.    Dad doesn't want either one of us working for free forever because it's not fair nor legal.  He also understands and doesn't want us working constantly because we're in a different stage of our lives than our parents.

My dad worked for my great uncle all the way up till my brother was 3/4 years old.   He'd work MWF one wee and then T/Th the next.

I honestly do not care if he used every penny from that to spend because then the account would be left alone.   If I didn't have to budget for him I could rule the freaking world.

[justme]

Sept 4, 2019 10:17:51 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

If the second job is all his spending money with his addictive personality he might ask for a lot of hours so he can have "enough" money for whatever he wants to the detriment to family time. Whereas I would think your dad would be mindful of that and not schedule him for so many hours that he'd never see the kids.

Unlikely.   Dad is building up staff but still needs someone who is experienced, especially if my brother actually goes to school (for the love of a God who may or may not exist let this happen) from time to time.    Dad doesn't want either one of us working for free forever because it's not fair nor legal.  He also understands and doesn't want us working constantly because we're in a different stage of our lives than our parents.

My dad worked for my great uncle all the way up till my brother was 3/4 years old.   He'd work MWF one wee and then T/Th the next.

I honestly do not care if he used every penny from that to spend because then the account would be left alone.   If I didn't have to budget for him I could rule the freaking world.

Yeah, I was stating if he got a job that wasn't with your dad, I'd be worried about the addictive personality possibly pushing for more hours. But I figured your dad would probably be a good stop on that vs random store manager who doesn't care except he got someone to cover the hours. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

It works better too because my dad will be super flexible like my great uncle was with me.   Another employer is not going to understand DH has to work late at his primary job on late notice.   That's why I eventually left my job at Bass Pro, my schedules conflicted and I wasn't able to do either job 100%.

We also "always have a job" with my dad.  I did that with my great uncle I came and went for close to 12 years.   Even if I couldn't get a regular schedule I'd be the back up if someone called in sick.

We discussed Uber/Lyft which is not a bad idea but I will be honest given the crime in Omaha lately I am not 100% comfortable with him doing that.   Not when we now have a ready made part time job at our fingertips.

[TheOtherMe]

If he does take a part-time job with your dad, make sure dad withholds enough taxes so your DH hasn't spent everything he makes.  

[azucena]

If you give him a certain allotment a month, might I suggest breaking it into biweekly or weekly portions? Once a month wasn't enough for my DH. It would be gone week 1 and waiting longer was too hard.  He actually likes twice a month tied to his paycheck because then it really feels like his money. Also spell out very clearly what spending you want him to cover from it. For us, we each buy lunch out once a week and if he wants to go more often than that, it's supposed to come from his spending amount which is $100/biweekly.  We also sat down together and disconnected our joint debit account and credit accounts from all of his online shopping places. If he wants something, he has to key in his debit card which does seem to slow him down.

[Chocolate Lover]

DH and I are both on our 2 checking accounts (in 2 separate banks) but the one I have exclusive use of is the one I pay bills out of. It took him years to understand you can't spend it all even if you think there's enough because there are bills it's needed for and after one month of several bounce fees, it was divorce him or separate spending money. (Or kill him, but I still needed his paycheck ) I don't know if a whole other checking account is any easier than a prepaid card but it might be easier just to set deposits/transfers up and leave it alone. 

He didn't have a debit card for mine for ages, he has earned it back now and is paying proper attention to his money and has some of the bills coming out of his account too. When he was the issue on not having enough money, anything he needed came absolutely last. New clothes, shoes, etc only after everyone else had what they needed. He was the problem, he could suffer for it.