Getting my stuff together

[TheOtherMe]

One of my friends gave herself a new legal name that honored her Russian heritage and it was combined with other things meaningful to her.  She was divorced (not newly divorced) at the time.  When she remarried, she did not change her name.

[buystoys]

Hugs and wishing you the strength you need for this ordeal, geenamercile.

[gs11rmb]

I'm sorry you're going through this geenamercile but it does sound like it's for the best.  Is there a reason why you are separating but staying in the same house?  That sounds very emotionally confusing both for you and your daughters.  Wouldn't it be better to try and make a clean break?

[andi9899]

I think her H doesn't have a job and can't support himself on his own. Also maybe her state requires a separation prior to granting a divorce.

[gs11rmb]

Jul 1, 2019 9:28:41 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

I think her H doesn't have a job and can't support himself on his own. Also maybe her state requires a separation prior to granting a divorce.

I understand separation is probably necessary prior to divorce.  What's puzzling me is why separate in the same house.  I think you're right that he doesn't have a job but geenamercile stated that he needs to get one... now.  So, why doesn't he get the job and then his own apartment?

I guess I'm projecting my own feelings onto the situation.  I can't imagine continuing to live in the same house with my husband if we've decided to divorce.

[oped]

It actually can be a good adjustment period for the kids if it is handled well.  It saves money. Honestly, she's going to likely be in a spot where she is paying him money and why start that now? Get him established in a job first, earn money and have the opportunity to save. 


I agree it can be challenging though. Unlikely to be a long term solution but likely with many short term benefits. 

[andi9899]

I get the feeling that they're amicable at this point. Why make things harder on each other right away. Slowly phase the living situation over and make it easier on everyone, especially the kids.

[raeoflyte]

I've assumed their basement is like a MIL suite so they may have mostly separate spaces.  If dh and I split I expect we'd end up in our tri-plex for childcare purposes and so we could both be with the kids each day.  

[geenamercile]

For now it is combination of what is easier and finical.  He will need to get a job and makes some progress that way.  He supported me with two masters degrees he needs time to get on his feet.  We still get along, support each other and honestly still best friends.  But he needs to be able to find himself.  I am thinking this will be a 3-6 month thing.  I wouldn't mind paying him some support.  As I said he supported me building my career.  At the same time he says he wouldn't want any, and knowing him I believe him.  And we will re-evaluate.  Both vehicles are in my name, but his car is his car, we would do what we needed to get it in his name.  

If we keep the house or not will mostly be up to the girls.  But if we sell there are things we need to do first.  The good news is we would walk away with about 40K each if we sold the house.  If they want to keep the house then I will, or if he can afford it he will, or maybe we both will and get an apartment somewhere and we will move in and out of the house while the girls stay here.  We will be required to have a separation for a year which means separate bedrooms at the very least.  And I am not so with out hope that thinks things won't change in a year and be better, but not stupid enough to put much stock in that hope either.  But I guess that is why there is the requirement of a year separation.  We have been together for 19 years this year, married for 15.  At the same time, I would rather prepare the girls for a divorce and in year for us to decide to not too divorce vs just telling them we are separating.  Counseling will be needed for all of us.  And if he won't go then that is on him, but the girls and I will.  But the separation is more of a figure things out for yourself, I just can't anymore.  I am not dealing with you being upset because we are laughing and having a good time without you.  I am done trying to drag you to things to do.         

I think at this point the girls would rather have us under the same roof.  Keeping changes slow vs all at once I think will be easiest on them.   It isn't like he comes out of the room much, enough to clean and do his "job."  ODD will be 13 in September, I don't love the idea of her being home alone while we are at work, but we live in town houses and have great neighbors who also have stay at home parents that we have been friends with for the 10 years we have lived here.  Between ODD being home and them we should be okay when when YDD gets home from school, I won't be getting home that long after her. 

I slept on the couch last night.  He said he missed me, and we did play some FFXIV together today.  Then I went and visited a friend for awhile. 

This is a work in progress thing, and I don't want to make any knee jerk reactions.  I like to plan, figure things out and yes trying to make this as easy as possible for everyone.  But I am having my ducks in a row when a year is up.                

[geenamercile]

Jul 1, 2019 11:15:28 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

I've assumed their basement is like a MIL suite so they may have mostly separate spaces.  If dh and I split I expect we'd end up in our tri-plex for childcare purposes and so we could both be with the kids each day.  

Being able to be with the girls each day is a big part of it.  

[Deleted]

Ex 1.0 tried living together but separated and it did not go well at all.  But, that was probably because I was one hot, emotional mess. 

[debthaven]

I'm sorry geenamercile . Divorce is very hard (BTDT). I have to admit I think it would be better NOT to live in the same house, because to me it's either drawing out the inevitable/prolonging the misery/not giving you the break you need to possibly reconstruct things. It seems like the worst of all worlds.

I think your DH needs to get a job ASAP, and then perhaps you could both afford to rent a studio or 1BR nearby, and take turns living in the house with the kids?

Dunno, just a thought. But personally I hate the idea of "limping along" for another year. I can't see how that could be good for any of you, even the kids.

Best of luck going forward.

ETA: Bouncing off oped 's post, I can see why it could be a good option. But I think sharing the house for 3-4 months is one thing, and sharing it for a year is another.

[Lizard Queen]

Go on a vacation, and get busy with houseguests, and I find I'm way behind all of a sudden.

So, I went through some very tough years recently--years where I had to shove down my feelings and put my own needs and desires off for way too long. What I found was all that shoving just makes them explode out in unintended and ugly ways. Your subconscious knows your psyche is drowning, and it's desperately trying to come up for air. In your case, Sam, you must have needed this kick in the rearend of your own making so that you would start moving in the right direction. You were drowning. Now it's time to swim for shore.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Hugs for Sam and Geena and anyone else who'd like them. 

[finnime]

Sorry, geenamercile. I remember the misery of separating/divorcing, but mine was far from amicable. I admire your ability to think things through and prepare.

[Pants]

Sam_2.0 - are you getting a dog? What is going on??

[Sam_2.0]

Jul 12, 2019 9:51:59 GMT -5 Pants said:

Sam_2.0 - are you getting a dog? What is going on??

Omg. Well, most likely not. Aly really wants a pug and H found a cute one on a rescue site so an app was put in. Small dog that could be here or wherever. But weve not been called back and shes so damn adorable that I bet we werent the first app. So I doubt theres a dog in my future.

Shit. Where to start.

I've been avoiding this place out of embarrassment and exhaustion. I had scheduled so many BOB classes that I was doing one per week and ended up making 50 mats in 6 months. It took me 2 years to do that the first time. Distraction to the max.

I found a new counselor. I like him a lot. Hes pretty damn honest that what we have is a fucking shit show and if we walk away it is OK. Because most do. And theres no badge of honor in being the 2% or whatever it is.

Most of the time I feel like H is working on what he needs to and the kids are happy and he is getting better. I've been waiting so long for this. All of them needed it. But it's still not enough for me.

And then, some weird shit happens. Things that sound just slightly coincidental. Some comment I made to my sister at the pool comes up later in a convo with H and he would have had zero way to have known without listening in, but he wasnt there. I go to work without my Fitbit because I forgot it charging and he texts/calls constantly to see where I am and suddenly knows when I've left my site to run to the store for plates and napkins for the random food day. I talked to someone who knows spy apps and shit and he has told me H probably installed a silent app on my phone to track me. Combined with his comments, I believe it. And this was way before work dude. Hes known my stuff for awhile. Creepy.

And then....I'm feeling crazy. Maybe I'm being too dramatic. Maybe it's my guilty conscience seeing coincidences. Maybe I'm too paranoid. I'm dealing with a lifetime of guilt for even existing as a female human, plus my recent indiscretions. I feel like I deserve it all. But yet, I dont.

And then he comes to me, crying, saying he is feeling suicidal. My friends H just killed himself. Is my H just exploiting that? Is he really feeling that way? Is he finally starting to feel that horrific month of lead up to the anniversary of Aubree birthday? Or is he faking it?

At this point I honestly dont know what is real or not. I am trying to survive. Keeping my kids as healthy and happy as possible. Keeping my bills paid. Keeping my job. I have no energy for anything else.

[Pants]

Dude. 

I just don't even know what to say. I just... cannot even fucking comprehend how nerve wracking that is. Can you take your phone somewhere and have it checked? It looks like there's software you can run to figure that out. 

Do do you get work email on your phone? If so you might be able to take it to your work IT and have them help. Use airplane mode frequently until you figure this all out. 

How are are you writing here? I just... I am so worried for you. How can we help? I can google anything - just say the word. 

[Pants]

Looks like the fullest way is to do a factory reset on your phone, then change your passwords immediately. But that won't tell you whether something was there, only assure you that it is gone. 

Jesus. 

[justme]

Fucking factory reset your phone. Now. Immediately. It's a total pain in the ass but do it.

It'll take every app/thing off that's not factory installed. (Backup your photos and contacts first) Make it brand new without the shiny part. Then stop the phone from auto reinstalling apps and manually add the ones you use back in. Also password your phone with a number combo your husband would have zero idea of. And I'd personally add an entirely different password for installing anything if it allows that.




As for the suicide, that sucks but if I was in your position I'd call the suicide hotline on speakerphone next time he comes to you with it. You are not equipped to handle that and it is above your paygrade. If you think he might actually do something call 911. If it's a manipulation he'll stop and if it's not he'll actually get the help he needs - which you can't provide as you are not a doctor/ therapist/ healthcare provider.

[Sam_2.0]

I'm scared to reset my phone and make a new Google account only for the fact I dont want to lose Aubree's pictures. It's so irrational, I know, but that is literally all I have left. I need to be one million percent assured her files are safe. I could back it all up to my computer at work this next week. Emailing a few at a time would do it.

He left two hours ago. Wont answer texts. I have zero clue where he is. And the sad part is...I just want to go to sleep.

I'll be honest that my suicidal feelings resurfaced at first. But I've been seeing my counselor, taking my meds, and using my coping skills. It's gotten a LOT better. I know I still need to do more. I'm just trying to push as far as I can every day. I mean, I havent cleaned my shower in probably 3 months. But my kids are fed, and bathed at least once a week, and we all have clean clothes. That seems reasonable.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Hugs, my friend.

Can you create a new drop box account and put Aubree’s pictures in there?

Can you find a thumb drive and put the pictures on there?

Can you upload them to an Amazon account?

You need to do a hard reset ASAP.

Hugs and more hugs.

[WholeLottaNothin]

Ok, I'll be the bitch here. Let me grab my flame retardant suit.

Get your butt to a lawyer. I don't know what you're waiting for but it's not getting better. It feels from the outside that you're delaying the inevitable. When I saw how many bed of bags you've been making lately it seemed almost manic. It's your escape from what is a toxic situation. Do you have a shutterfly account? Upload the photos to that and then reset your phone. If this happened before any shit with work guy then wow, just wow. That is a whole nother level of nuts. As someone whose DH has suicide attempts in his past, his claims of being suicidal seem awfully conveniently timed. If he really is suicidal there is only so much he can do. As someone else said, next time call 911. He can be committed for a 72 hour hold which if he is suicidal wouldn't hurt, and if he isn't actually suicidal will give him pause before claiming that again. There was more I wanted to say. I have to go back and read it over again.

[WholeLottaNothin]

You're not being overly dramatic. You don't deserve to deal with this and definitely not for as long as you have. Even if he is sincerely trying to change, it's still okay if it's not enough. Too little, too late. Adding a dog at this point is just one more thing for you to be responsible for that you don't need right now. There will be other cute dogs. Everything you wrote reeks of manipulation. We all wish the best for you. Please take care of yourself. And check in here more often. I'm sincerely worried for your safety.

[finnime]

Back up your photos to Google photos and other files to Google Drive, then factory reset your phone after you go to Google photos and reassure yourself that your pictures are there.

The depression you're fighting has got to affect everything and everyone. Help yourself so you can help your kids. Your H will find his own way. You don't deserve to be stalked, or to live in misery.

[Deleted]

If the pictures are that important to you they shouldn't be stored in just one place anyhow. Upload to Amazon, or get one of those external hard drives and put them all on there. Heck, do both.

[TheOtherMe]

Important photos should be backed up in several places, not just one no matter what.  

Sam, you are loved, but please see an attorney and put this to an end.  You are miserable.  He is miserable. Neither one of you trusts the other one.  

I've been watching you make all the mats and know that's your escape.

Please take care of you and your kids.  Living this way isn't healthy for any of you and that includes the kids.

[justme]

You don't need to change Google if you change the password. Also if it's a Samsung phone they have an app that backups everything on your phone. I forget what it's called, maybe smart switch, but I was able to download every file from my phone - including texts and photos - to my pc.

Unless work blocks it you can use the USB cord to plug into your computer and it should see your phone as a storage device you can copy the photos off of.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

You can upload your pictures to the Google cloud. A tech showed DH how to.do it because he was running out of memory.

I'm really worried about and for you Sam. Please listen to your therapist he is absolutely right that there is no reward for dragging this out.

Your husband is not getting better you're seeing what you want to see.

Not saying you should dismiss it but him coming to you threatening to kill himself is emotional abuse. He's making sure you are to scared to leave because who wants to be responsible for that? I had a friend who did that to me. My brother has regularly done it with my parents.

He'll keep doing it till he's sure he's worn down your resistance then suddenly he'll be cured. Till the next time.

You made a mistake. What you did was wrong. That does not mean you deserve to be in living hell or that you are somehow responsible for your husband's response to the situation.

Please listen to your therapist. Yes it's a lot and I understand how crippling anxiety is believe me but you need to stand up despite it and not let your upbringing and your husband's abuse destroy you.

Have you ever called a domestic abuse hotline? I think you should. Not all abuse is physical and they can help you find resources.

Also next time he threatens to kill himself call 911. Call his bluff. If it's true this is beyond your skills to deal with and he needs professional help. When my parents out of desperation and fear looked at getting my brother involuntarily committed suddenly the threats stopped.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

And you have nothing to be embarrassed about here. We're not here to cast stones.