Getting my stuff together

[justme]

If you haven't already cancel any authorized user cards he has for credit cards in your name.

If needed claim you lost yours and then act miffed when they don't mail him a new one. Or, if you think he has them saved on online sites report lost and get new numbers.

[debthaven]

Also Sam the dealer's Sienna would probably be under guarantee, even for a short while.

[zibazinski]

Nov 12, 2018 14:11:43 GMT -5 swamp said:

Nov 12, 2018 14:00:45 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Unfortunately, no. That thing was a money pit from the beginning and the area has gone way down recently in terms of property values. If I could break even I would unload it in a heartbeat.

Is KS a recourse state?  

If not, I'd let it go into foreclosure.  

If yes, I might do it anyway and declare bankruptcy.    

Get the new to you car.  Get copies of everything, all asset and all debt statements.  Get the divorce, declare bankruptcy, and then go on with your life. 

I disagree on getting a "ball buster."  I find them to be a waste of money.  Just get someone competent.   This is the disssolution of a standard middle class marriage, not someone with tons of money.  They don't have the money to fight this to the end of time.  

Tell him, we can do this the easy way, agree, and still coparent effectivly, or end up hating each other, spending all our money, and destroying the kids.      I think mediation is great if the parties agree that the divorce is the way to go.   

It's 50/50 and the courts don't care who did what.  you're better off coming up with your own division than having the courts do it for you. 

The only reason I got the “ball buster” was her reputation.

[debthaven]

Also, Sam, this isn't very kind, but given that he finally gets a regular paycheck (this was the first I've heard about that) I wouldn't hesitate to use that money to pay stuff off if you can before you pull the trigger.

Lord know you've been supporting him for long enough.

[zibazinski]

I’m not sure your counselor won’t tell him that you’re planning on bailing. He’s probably figured it out anyway. Can you buy that van outright in your own name? I get your idea about the holidays but he’s going to ruin them anyway. You know that. Try as best you can to get some cards in your own name and start looking for a place to live. Your kids deserve peace and so do you. I don’t know what your credit is now but if it’s okay then this is the time to find a place to live and get credit in your own name. You and your family can’t take much more of this. Get your lawyer and follow her advice

[andi9899]

Nov 12, 2018 15:28:48 GMT -5 debthaven said:

Also, Sam, this isn't very kind, but given that he finally gets a regular paycheck (this was the first I've heard about that) I wouldn't hesitate to use that money to pay stuff off if you can before you pull the trigger.

Lord know you've been supporting him for long enough.

I don't think it's unkind. It's smart. I would pay off the stuff he ran up after you paid it off. He ran it up. Let him pay.

[zibazinski]

Nov 12, 2018 15:33:21 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Nov 12, 2018 15:28:48 GMT -5 debthaven said:

Also, Sam, this isn't very kind, but given that he finally gets a regular paycheck (this was the first I've heard about that) I wouldn't hesitate to use that money to pay stuff off if you can before you pull the trigger.

Lord know you've been supporting him for long enough.

I don't think it's unkind. It's smart. I would pay off the stuff he ran up after you paid it off. He ran it up. Let him pay.

Except if he doesn’t pay it and he won’t, she’ll have to.

[Wisconsin Beth]

If you want to stash cadh, buying grocery store gift cards while shopping is one way to do it.

[andi9899]

Nov 12, 2018 15:35:34 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Nov 12, 2018 15:33:21 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

I don't think it's unkind. It's smart. I would pay off the stuff he ran up after you paid it off. He ran it up. Let him pay.

Except if he doesn’t pay it and he won’t, she’ll have to.

She's already in that boat now. Paying off debts that he ran up while she still has access to his paycheck is only going to lessen the blow.

[Deleted]

Nov 12, 2018 15:43:39 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Nov 12, 2018 15:35:34 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Except if he doesn’t pay it and he won’t, she’ll have to.

She's already in that boat now. Paying off debts that he ran up while she still has access to his paycheck is only going to lessen the blow.

I don't think she has access to his paychecks.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Nov 12, 2018 15:47:56 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Nov 12, 2018 15:43:39 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

She's already in that boat now. Paying off debts that he ran up while she still has access to his paycheck is only going to lessen the blow.

I don't think she has access to his paychecks.

she does but he asks a bazillion questions and she feels icky about it.

[mollyanna58]

Feeling icky is going to be commonplace for a while.

Might as well get some financial relief for it.

How about taking enough to cover his credit card purchases?

[muttleynfelix]

Sam - I think taking the next 6 weeks to get everything in order and get through the holidays then make 2019 your year. It will be hard, but you deserve it and your kids deserve it to.

[tcu2003]

Nov 12, 2018 13:01:43 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Got a couple attorney recs today. Too bad its a holiday or I'd be calling since he's gone and I am home. 

I sent you a PM the other day, just in case you haven’t seen it. ;-)

[Sam_2.0]

I got it TY!! Made a call and set up a consultation for week after next, following my counseling appointment.

[Sam_2.0]

With me making more than him, whats the chance I will owe him alimony? How does that even work?

[zibazinski]

Nov 12, 2018 13:01:43 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

I kind of want to go trade in the Acadia on my own and just get the $3k Sienna from the dealer (same year and mileage as in-laws - would be worth the extra to not have "their" car though). 

Got a couple attorney recs today. Too bad its a holiday or I'd be calling since he's gone and I am home. 

I feel shitty planning for Christmas knowing its the last one together. I am hoping to wait until Jan to officially kick this off so that the kids can at least enjoy the holidays. I know he would ruin it for everyone if I started now. I know there's never a great time, but a few weeks before Christmas is about as crappy of a time as they come. Id also like to have all the end of the year bills settled and maybe wait for his January paycheck to get some more stuff paid off.

Credit cards - MO is equitable state, not community property. I think I am still going to be on the hook for cards he opened and ran up. If that's the case, I am honestly considering filing BK and just being done with the whole mess and giving myself a clean slate. My sis did a BK and  followed all her attorney's advice to the letter, and she came out better than she went in. Took a few years, but by at least the 2nd year she could get credit again. But a BK on joint debts would count against him too and he could lose his license. 

I feel sick seeing all that has to be done. 

You eat an elephant one bite at a time.

[zibazinski]

Nov 12, 2018 17:28:43 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

With me making more than him, whats the chance I will owe him alimony? How does that even work?

Don’t worry about that now.

[Sam_2.0]

Nov 12, 2018 15:28:48 GMT -5 debthaven said:

Also, Sam, this isn't very kind, but given that he finally gets a regular paycheck (this was the first I've heard about that) I wouldn't hesitate to use that money to pay stuff off if you can before you pull the trigger.

Lord know you've been supporting him for long enough.

Know what's funny? He is eligible for benefits now. He didn't tell me until after he had let the sign up period lapse. He doesnt want to get benefits because then they would make him actually clock in & out, and right now he's getting by with not doing that (and the office admin is PISSED about it too). 

Pulled the credit reports. Turns out the ones showing for him are the joint ones we have, so that's a LOT better than I had thought. And he doesn't have current cards for those, so I feel a lot better. If we sell the houses, we could be out of debt jointly rather quickly. 

[zibazinski]

Nov 12, 2018 17:33:43 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Nov 12, 2018 15:28:48 GMT -5 debthaven said:

Also, Sam, this isn't very kind, but given that he finally gets a regular paycheck (this was the first I've heard about that) I wouldn't hesitate to use that money to pay stuff off if you can before you pull the trigger.

Lord know you've been supporting him for long enough.

Know what's funny? He is eligible for benefits now. He didn't tell me until after he had let the sign up period lapse. He doesnt want to get benefits because then they would make him actually clock in & out, and right now he's getting by with not doing that (and the office admin is PISSED about it too). 

Pulled the credit reports. Turns out the ones showing for him are the joint ones we have, so that's a LOT better than I had thought. And he doesn't have current cards for those, so I feel a lot better. If we sell the houses, we could be out of debt jointly rather quickly. 

Get your lawyer to freeze things so he can’t charge more.

[justme]

Nov 12, 2018 17:38:40 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Nov 12, 2018 17:33:43 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Know what's funny? He is eligible for benefits now. He didn't tell me until after he had let the sign up period lapse. He doesnt want to get benefits because then they would make him actually clock in & out, and right now he's getting by with not doing that (and the office admin is PISSED about it too). 

Pulled the credit reports. Turns out the ones showing for him are the joint ones we have, so that's a LOT better than I had thought. And he doesn't have current cards for those, so I feel a lot better. If we sell the houses, we could be out of debt jointly rather quickly. 

Get your lawyer to freeze things so he can’t charge more.

You can freeze your credit now for free on the off chance he'd try to apply for new stuff with her info.

If Sam's the main account holder on the cards though I'd call and make sure to reverse any permissions for him to make changes to the accounts - assuming you can do that and it was done.

[justme]

Nov 12, 2018 17:28:43 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

With me making more than him, whats the chance I will owe him alimony? How does that even work?

Not an expert but it seems anymore alimony only happens when one spouse makes millions or another stayed at home for years. I'm betting it's way more likely to be an issue regarding child support.

[swasat]

Nov 12, 2018 17:28:43 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

With me making more than him, whats the chance I will owe him alimony? How does that even work?

Not a lawyer or expert here. But, based on observations from friend's or relative's divorces, its not as straightforward as you make more so you owe alimony.

In one of my friend's case, she made 1.5 times what her husband did. But she was also the one responsible for 90% of the household bills and health insurance and other random stuff. He only contributed to maybe 10% of the bills. During their divorce the judge ruled that she owed him alimony, but he owed her child support. The judge then asked them if they wanted to get rid of both alimony and CS since the amounts were almost nullifying each other   They opted for that and it was a clean divorce, no money owed to either party.


In your case too, you make more but you cover almost all household expenses. Don't forget to keep detailed receipts of all that you pay. Including years of health insurance that YOU have provided HIM.

[zibazinski]

Your lawyer will help you get things in order. Watch the timing of filing. You need to have all your ducks in a row because other lawyers will be calling him the minute it’s filed. I’m sure he’s probably getting his ducks in a row too because he’s no dummy.

[Jaguar]

Nov 12, 2018 13:19:37 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Im doing it for the kids If they werent here, I'd be out the door now. 

Sunday I suggested we get out of the house and go to Target. I let Al take a clipboard and a pencil to write out a few items each of the kids liked, and then said she could write their letters to Santa this year. She was SUPER excited. I figured we'd get coffee first and then walk around the store and it would be neutral at least. Well, J acted like a normal 4yo and said he wanted everything he saw, lol. I made A write one thing for each of her brothers before she could write down something for herself. Overall I thought we were having fun. H snapped at J for whining and then declared he was a horrible child and the trip was over and we left. Not before he got the Christmas candies he wanted, however. Got home and put the candy right on the island, then screamed at the kids when they kept whining for candy. We still have 4 buckets of halloween candy, ffs. We didn't need any more candy. But when I threw a pack of dryer balls on the belt because the boys had lost the old ones, he asked if they were really necessary and if they could wait until the next trip. Must have given him one hell of a look because he bought them and shut up. 

Ive had a bad cold/flu this last week and he has been no help at all with the kids or dogs (babysitting for friends that were out of town - he knew this was happening). Then he got pissy because I said I didnt want to have sex when I had a raging fever and body aches and just wanted to be left alone. Last night he was in the kitchen making his own dinner (because he refuses to eat with us), and I asked him to make me a hot toddy while he was right there. "Ughghg. What? You are going to have to tell me how to do it." WTF? I told him to just turn on the kettle and leave me alone. 

I think he knows I went to the counselor and he knows what is coming. He's been SO MEAN since I set up the appointment on Monday. 

He's been emotionally abusive to you and the kids, for a while, it's bloody evil nasty mind game.


I'm not so sure he would even know, cause I'm betting he was in deep penis thought about which girlfriend he could call up for sex. I've been thinking he's the creep of all creeps, nope he's lower than that, he's in slug territory.


You will get you and you kids freedom, it's there for 2019.

[Sam_2.0]

Tonight we are back to Mr. Super sweet. Came home at 6p and took over finishing baths with the kids, then did movie time with the and bed time. He also took the puppy out willingly.

This back and forth, so abruptly, is just killing me.

[zibazinski]

That’s why you need to get your ducks in a row now. If he knows you’ve had it, he’ll really start crap and make all your lives more miserable I hope you’ve started looking for a new place.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

If I had to guess I'd say years of not taking control of his mental illness is starting to show itself.

[Sam_2.0]

Nov 12, 2018 20:17:44 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

That’s why you need to get your ducks in a row now. If he knows you’ve had it, he’ll really start crap and make all your lives more miserable I hope you’ve started looking for a new place.

I've been looking. Worst case scenario I stay with family until I find a new spot. We wont be homeless

[zibazinski]

Your family may not want to get involved I hope you do get a place lined up. But follow your lawyer’s advice. Plus stash as much cash somewhere safe as you can.