Getting my stuff together

[andi9899]

I think it is, it just hasn't gotten that far yet.

[debthaven]

Sam_2.0 yes that's a great price, but it's also a 14YO car ... With 4 littles you definitely need something more recent and more reliable than that. Please don't replace your 2012 with a 2004.

[CCL]

I imagine a 2004 would lack some of the safety features of a 2012.

[debthaven]

Yes good point CCL !

[debthaven]

And I'm really sorry Sam_2.0 but your H's comment about "not liking how car seats look" is beyond despicable. You can only be happier without him. 

We all love you Sam and we all wish you the best. You are an amazing, generous, smart, beautiful funny woman and we all want you to be happy (or even just less unhappy, for now).

[debthaven]

And I agree with Blonde Granny too, because if you're thinking what I think you're thinking, your H will only be looking to cover his own ass. So you NEED to cover yours.

At least you will never have to worry about him trying to get custody.

I may be jumping the gun here, but an obvious solution would be to sell your old house if you can afford to. That would give your H some money to rent a cool bachelor pad, like a room in a shared house, or his parents' basement.

My apologies if I've gone too far Sam. You know we all adore you and we want you to be happy.

[steph08]

I actually think the 2004 van is a great idea.

You know the owners, so you know the history and what caused the mileage and any work done, etc.

It would free up $400-500/month not paying on a car payment - even if you do it for a year, it gives you a cushion to adjust to a new budget and life.

I might be wearing rose-colored glasses because my parents drive Volvos that are mid-to-late 90s models. My mom was never stranded in her original volvo that they finally retired last year with 335k miles. I have had to get my dad once when his 1996 car was cutting out for some reason. I only did that because I was closer than the tow truck.

Just my two cents.

[Lizard Queen]

I don't know. The repairs were getting much too frequent when my Honda Civic got up there in age. I guess it depends on how much backup you have for transportation.

[Sam_2.0]

Nov 10, 2018 14:16:37 GMT -5 WholeLottaNothin said:

This is not what I thought this thread would be about. *backs out slowly*

It's getting there.

I talked with my counselor and told him I was done trying, especially since I wasnt getting much of anything back. At least, not real change. And it's getting more hostile. So I've made the big step of acknowledging to myself that I am ready to be done. I see counselor again in 2 weeks. Hes asked me to get some stuff ready for that appt.

[Sam_2.0]

As for backup transportation, my parents have a spare car and have been awesome to let me borrow it when needed. I can bum a ride or take a fleet car when driving out of town for work.

Selling the house is another deal. Alys school is only for this neighborhood. I am hesitant to make too many changes all at once for her. But I cant afford it on my own if I have to buy him out of it because the housing prices have gone up a lot here. I've looked in another school zone nearby in the same district where she also has friends. I could rent. Or buy something else. Or look at moving out of this city all together.

And jokes on him - hes going to have to get a car with carseats if he wants to come get the kids.

[Sam_2.0]

Nov 10, 2018 20:35:15 GMT -5 steph08 said:

I actually think the 2004 van is a great idea.

You know the owners, so you know the history and what caused the mileage and any work done, etc.

It would free up $400-500/month not paying on a car payment - even if you do it for a year, it gives you a cushion to adjust to a new budget and life.

I might be wearing rose-colored glasses because my parents drive Volvos that are mid-to-late 90s models. My mom was never stranded in her original volvo that they finally retired last year with 335k miles. I have had to get my dad once when his 1996 car was cutting out for some reason. I only did that because I was closer than the tow truck.

Just my two cents.

I may go for this just to get us through for now. Eliminate a payment.

[andi9899]

Nov 11, 2018 17:49:10 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Nov 10, 2018 14:16:37 GMT -5 WholeLottaNothin said:

This is not what I thought this thread would be about. *backs out slowly*

It's getting there.

I talked with my counselor and told him I was done trying, especially since I wasnt getting much of anything back. At least, not real change. And it's getting more hostile. So I've made the big step of acknowledging to myself that I am ready to be done. I see counselor again in 2 weeks. Hes asked me to get some stuff ready for that appt.

I really hope you find happiness. You are too great of a person not to be happy.

[msventoux]

Wishing the best for you. You’re too awesome of a person to be treated as you have for so long. I know it will be difficult, but everyone here is pulling for you and I’m sure you’ll ultimately be much happier.

[TheOtherMe]

Sam_2.0  I understand it's a process of getting everything in place for both you and your children and your finances.

You deserve happiness and to be treated like a real person with feelings.  

Wishing you all the best.  

[Sam_2.0]

401k - do we only have to split what was acquired after we got married? Because I had started mine before. I guess if it is mediated we can really do whatever we want there, right?

I feel so foolish for the amount of debt that we have now, at least for the amount in my name, I honestly have no idea how much more he has in his alone. I may be able to dig myself out someday. I cant even tread water now. Part of me wants to stay longer now that he's getting a paycheck, but I know that isn't likely to work out in my favor. As it is he never moves money into the joint account. He always says I can grab what I need, but then I feel like he asks a million questions as to why I took what I did and when. 

Two houses, two cars, three kids...ten years worth of crap to undo. This is going to be a mess

[zibazinski]

Nov 11, 2018 19:16:10 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

401k - do we only have to split what was acquired after we got married? Because I had started mine before. I guess if it is mediated we can really do whatever we want there, right?

I feel so foolish for the amount of debt that we have now, at least for the amount in my name, I honestly have no idea how much more he has in his alone. I may be able to dig myself out someday. I cant even tread water now. Part of me wants to stay longer now that he's getting a paycheck, but I know that isn't likely to work out in my favor. As it is he never moves money into the joint account. He always says I can grab what I need, but then I feel like he asks a million questions as to why I took what I did and when. 

Two houses, two cars, three kids...ten years worth of crap to undo. This is going to be a mess

Yes it is. I’m sorry for it but it’s what he wants even though he says it isn’t. It hurts. Horribly. But you and your kids deserve a healthy home life. Find a good lawyer.

[chapeau]

There’s a thread pinned on the YM board that lists useful threads that have been posted over the years. There are a couple that I seem to recall will be relevant, including a list of stuff that you might not think of.
Good luck. We’re all behind you, you deserve better than this.

[justme]

Depends on a lot I'm sure. Including your state and how much he fights, knows to fight, how quick he wants it done.

My bro was married only 5 years but walked away with all his 401k even though he was the breadwinner. Part of that was she left, so she wanted out to live peacefully with her new bf. Another was she couldn't afford a lawyer and I really doubt she was versed in finances (especially based on her demands).

When she balked at the first offer his lawyer basically wrote back and said that was our final offer, if you don't agree we'll settle in court (possibly implied they'd fight for less than what they offered) and oh by the way we'll be bringing in all the evidence we have on your adultery. It's a no fault state but the fault reasons legally can still sway the judge. She tried to lie until her parents were like stop being an idiot.

But this was also no kids.

[CCL]

Nov 11, 2018 17:49:10 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Nov 10, 2018 14:16:37 GMT -5 WholeLottaNothin said:

This is not what I thought this thread would be about. *backs out slowly*

It's getting there.

I talked with my counselor and told him I was done trying, especially since I wasnt getting much of anything back. At least, not real change. And it's getting more hostile. So I've made the big step of acknowledging to myself that I am ready to be done. I see counselor again in 2 weeks. Hes asked me to get some stuff ready for that appt.

[bean29]

I would think you should consult with a divorce attorney re: house, car and 401K. I think they usually try to leave the kids in the house they grew up in, if possible. Many divorce laws are state specific.

Is bankruptcy a possibility? Again, I would think you should make changes on the advice of an attorney.

As far as your DH not wanting car seats in his car, my DH always kept the booster seats in his trunk, and he said he only had a car seat in the back of his car for a short time. He said one of our cars had the upholstery damaged from a car seat. He said after that he always put a towel underneath to protect the upholstery. If you had asked back then I would have put it to vanity or image, but he always did whatever we needed as far as childcare transportation went.

I never worried my DH would abandon his kids, and my DD had him wrapped around her little finger, so I figured she would get extras out of him, just by asking.

Hoping everything works out for you. 🙏

[wvugurl26]

You might be able to use the debt to keep the 401k. I'm sure it depends on the state though. Definitely a lawyer question.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Nov 11, 2018 17:56:45 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Nov 10, 2018 20:35:15 GMT -5 steph08 said:

I actually think the 2004 van is a great idea.

You know the owners, so you know the history and what caused the mileage and any work done, etc.

It would free up $400-500/month not paying on a car payment - even if you do it for a year, it gives you a cushion to adjust to a new budget and life.

I might be wearing rose-colored glasses because my parents drive Volvos that are mid-to-late 90s models. My mom was never stranded in her original volvo that they finally retired last year with 335k miles. I have had to get my dad once when his 1996 car was cutting out for some reason. I only did that because I was closer than the tow truck.

Just my two cents.

I may go for this just to get us through for now. Eliminate a payment.

This is what I did. I sold my SUV and my mother sold me her Mazda Protege for $5. Yes, five dollars. 
However, I only had two kids and could fit them back there. 
Getting rid of the payment is a big deal, and I think you should consider that even though you hate that Sienna. 

[TheHaitian]

I am so sorry to hear

[tcu2003]

Thinking about you.

[debthaven]

Selling the house is another deal.

I meant selling the OLD house.

If you can borrow your parents' car, then yes I think the van is a good idea for now.

[zibazinski]

Just remember the man you married will not be the man you divorce. Get a good lawyer and take their advice on how to handle every step. 

[Deleted]

I'd be all over the 2004 Sienna from your parents. 

[swasat]

Sam_2.0, Good luck!

Your situation has been absolutely horrible for a while and your husband's behavior has had me rattled for a while. A specimen like him does not deserve an angel like you. The guy is too big of a jerk to even realize how good he had it. But then again.....seems to me he actually WANTS to be away from you and the kids so he can lead his carefree bachelor lifestyle. So shove it in his face and take your own freedom to rise and soar in your own life, on your own terms. 

Only a strong woman can handle what you've had to endure in your life. You will come out of this mess, stronger and brighter. 

[gs11rmb]

Sam_2.0 is your relationship with his parents good enough that if you take the car for $1,000 and then leave their son they won't kick up a fuss?  I guess I'm concerned that if the new van is in both your names, he could just take the car back.

Hoping he's not that big of an asshole...

[zibazinski]

I thought it was her parents vehicle?