Getting my stuff together

[gs11rmb]

Nov 10, 2018 10:26:53 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

DH's parents also have a 2004 Sienna that they want to get rid of and they've offered it to us for $1,000. I hate it, lol. But it would be super cheap and do what I need it to. 

zibazinski it's her in-laws vehicle.

[zibazinski]

My best advice from my own experience was to find the lawyer that was referred to as a "ball buster" so that when my soon to be ex tried to sweet talk me into being "nice" for the sake of the children he also didn't give a shit about, she told me to tell him I was not allowed to talk settlement without her being present. I didn't follow her advice on every single issue and I regret it to this day. Make sure visitation is not specifically spelled out because when he started in with the inappropriate behavior in front of DD who was a minor, her not seeing him anymore was no big deal.  He'd have had to go to court and she would have related why she didn't want to see him.  If visitation had been set down in writing, I'd have had to go to court and it would have become a big deal because I'd have been violating a court ordered visitation schedule. Plan on a 50/50 split regardless of who earned it. Plus, plan on no CS. I tried to get more of the assets because I knew I'd never see a dime of CS but it wasn't going to happen. Btw, the legal system does not give a damn that you won't receive CS. They kinda care if you apply for welfare but otherwise, tough cookies. Get your half of all money out of the bank and into a separate account before he cleans it out. You'll get half back eventually but it sucks in the meantime. Close out all joint credit cards. You'll be responsible for any balance owed even if the court orders him to pay it so nip that in the bud right there. If you can pay off the joint ones with joint money before closing them, score!!! Make sure you can get at least one CC in your own name. 

[zibazinski]

Nov 12, 2018 12:04:43 GMT -5 gs11rmb said:

Nov 10, 2018 10:26:53 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

DH's parents also have a 2004 Sienna that they want to get rid of and they've offered it to us for $1,000. I hate it, lol. But it would be super cheap and do what I need it to. 

zibazinski it's her in-laws vehicle.

Crap. Well, unless they'll put it just in your name, move onto another vehicle. 

[zibazinski]

Just remember, there is no "us" anymore. Think only what's best for yourself and your children. 

[Sam_2.0]

I kind of want to go trade in the Acadia on my own and just get the $3k Sienna from the dealer (same year and mileage as in-laws - would be worth the extra to not have "their" car though). 

Got a couple attorney recs today. Too bad its a holiday or I'd be calling since he's gone and I am home. 

I feel shitty planning for Christmas knowing its the last one together. I am hoping to wait until Jan to officially kick this off so that the kids can at least enjoy the holidays. I know he would ruin it for everyone if I started now. I know there's never a great time, but a few weeks before Christmas is about as crappy of a time as they come. Id also like to have all the end of the year bills settled and maybe wait for his January paycheck to get some more stuff paid off.

Credit cards - MO is equitable state, not community property. I think I am still going to be on the hook for cards he opened and ran up. If that's the case, I am honestly considering filing BK and just being done with the whole mess and giving myself a clean slate. My sis did a BK and  followed all her attorney's advice to the letter, and she came out better than she went in. Took a few years, but by at least the 2nd year she could get credit again. But a BK on joint debts would count against him too and he could lose his license. 

I feel sick seeing all that has to be done. 

[chen35]

Nov 12, 2018 13:01:43 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

I kind of want to go trade in the Acadia on my own and just get the $3k Sienna from the dealer (same year and mileage as in-laws - would be worth the extra to not have "their" car though). 

Got a couple attorney recs today. Too bad its a holiday or I'd be calling since he's gone and I am home. 

I feel shitty planning for Christmas knowing its the last one together. I am hoping to wait until Jan to officially kick this off so that the kids can at least enjoy the holidays. I know he would ruin it for everyone if I started now. I know there's never a great time, but a few weeks before Christmas is about as crappy of a time as they come. Id also like to have all the end of the year bills settled and maybe wait for his January paycheck to get some more stuff paid off.

Credit cards - MO is equitable state, not community property. I think I am still going to be on the hook for cards he opened and ran up. If that's the case, I am honestly considering filing BK and just being done with the whole mess and giving myself a clean slate. My sis did a BK and  followed all her attorney's advice to the letter, and she came out better than she went in. Took a few years, but by at least the 2nd year she could get credit again. But a BK on joint debts would count against him too and he could lose his license. 

I feel sick seeing all that has to be done. 

When DH and I were going through our crap three years ago, a counselor recommended waiting until after the holidays to do anything. Doing it during the holidays adds stress, and can taint those holidays going forward for everyone involved. IMO it's worth it to wait a few weeks.

[swasat]

Nov 12, 2018 13:01:43 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

I kind of want to go trade in the Acadia on my own and just get the $3k Sienna from the dealer (same year and mileage as in-laws - would be worth the extra to not have "their" car though). 

Got a couple attorney recs today. Too bad its a holiday or I'd be calling since he's gone and I am home. 

I feel shitty planning for Christmas knowing its the last one together. I am hoping to wait until Jan to officially kick this off so that the kids can at least enjoy the holidays. I know he would ruin it for everyone if I started now. I know there's never a great time, but a few weeks before Christmas is about as crappy of a time as they come. Id also like to have all the end of the year bills settled and maybe wait for his January paycheck to get some more stuff paid off.

Credit cards - MO is equitable state, not community property. I think I am still going to be on the hook for cards he opened and ran up. If that's the case, I am honestly considering filing BK and just being done with the whole mess and giving myself a clean slate. My sis did a BK and  followed all her attorney's advice to the letter, and she came out better than she went in. Took a few years, but by at least the 2nd year she could get credit again. But a BK on joint debts would count against him too and he could lose his license. 

I feel sick seeing all that has to be done. 

Don't you DARE feel bad about ruining Christmas for him! Just read the bolded part that you wrote above. HE wouldn't think twice about ruining the holidays for his own kids if he was angry.

You are doing your best to hold things together. If waiting till January is good for YOU and for YOUR finances then by all means do it. But doing it for him?? Let him fuck his own damn life!! He is too selfish and too mean to care about you or the kids, so return the favor to him multi fold. 

[gs11rmb]

Sam_2.0 I think it's a good decision to hold off until January... if you can.  It will give you time to get everything sorted out and not make any hasty decisions.  I also understand why you don't want Thanksgiving and Christmas to be associated in the kids' minds with their parents separating.

Are you sure things are bad enough that bankruptcy is the best option?  Have you put everything down on a spreadsheet so you can really see the payments?  It might be more doable than you think.  A friend from work declared bankruptcy following her divorce and it severely limited her landlord options when looking to rent afterward.

[Sam_2.0]

Im doing it for the kids If they werent here, I'd be out the door now. 

Sunday I suggested we get out of the house and go to Target. I let Al take a clipboard and a pencil to write out a few items each of the kids liked, and then said she could write their letters to Santa this year. She was SUPER excited. I figured we'd get coffee first and then walk around the store and it would be neutral at least. Well, J acted like a normal 4yo and said he wanted everything he saw, lol. I made A write one thing for each of her brothers before she could write down something for herself. Overall I thought we were having fun. H snapped at J for whining and then declared he was a horrible child and the trip was over and we left. Not before he got the Christmas candies he wanted, however. Got home and put the candy right on the island, then screamed at the kids when they kept whining for candy. We still have 4 buckets of halloween candy, ffs. We didn't need any more candy. But when I threw a pack of dryer balls on the belt because the boys had lost the old ones, he asked if they were really necessary and if they could wait until the next trip. Must have given him one hell of a look because he bought them and shut up. 

Ive had a bad cold/flu this last week and he has been no help at all with the kids or dogs (babysitting for friends that were out of town - he knew this was happening). Then he got pissy because I said I didnt want to have sex when I had a raging fever and body aches and just wanted to be left alone. Last night he was in the kitchen making his own dinner (because he refuses to eat with us), and I asked him to make me a hot toddy while he was right there. "Ughghg. What? You are going to have to tell me how to do it." WTF? I told him to just turn on the kettle and leave me alone. 

I think he knows I went to the counselor and he knows what is coming. He's been SO MEAN since I set up the appointment on Monday. 

[Sam_2.0]

Nov 12, 2018 13:13:44 GMT -5 gs11rmb said:

Sam_2.0 I think it's a good decision to hold off until January... if you can.  It will give you time to get everything sorted out and not make any hasty decisions.  I also understand why you don't want Thanksgiving and Christmas to be associated in the kids' minds with their parents separating.

Are you sure things are bad enough that bankruptcy is the best option?  Have you put everything down on a spreadsheet so you can really see the payments?  It might be more doable than you think.  A friend from work declared bankruptcy following her divorce and it severely limited her landlord options when looking to rent afterward.

I can handle my own stuff. It wont be pretty, but I can do it. But if I have to give him the equity from the house and take half of the credit cards in his name too, I wont be able to swing it. I guess there's always the option to break the lease with our tenant and move back in there for awhile. Not sure how that would go either. 

[taz157]

It maybe a federal holiday but not all offices are closed. Since H isn’t home, I would call anyway. There will most likely be someone there.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Nov 12, 2018 13:01:43 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

I kind of want to go trade in the Acadia on my own and just get the $3k Sienna from the dealer (same year and mileage as in-laws - would be worth the extra to not have "their" car though). 

Got a couple attorney recs today. Too bad its a holiday or I'd be calling since he's gone and I am home. 

I feel shitty planning for Christmas knowing its the last one together. I am hoping to wait until Jan to officially kick this off so that the kids can at least enjoy the holidays. I know he would ruin it for everyone if I started now. I know there's never a great time, but a few weeks before Christmas is about as crappy of a time as they come. Id also like to have all the end of the year bills settled and maybe wait for his January paycheck to get some more stuff paid off.

Credit cards - MO is equitable state, not community property. I think I am still going to be on the hook for cards he opened and ran up. If that's the case, I am honestly considering filing BK and just being done with the whole mess and giving myself a clean slate. My sis did a BK and  followed all her attorney's advice to the letter, and she came out better than she went in. Took a few years, but by at least the 2nd year she could get credit again. But a BK on joint debts would count against him too and he could lose his license. 

I feel sick seeing all that has to be done. 

Don't wait for his sake but otherwise I agree with waiting. You need your ducks in a row before you pull the trigger.

And unfortunately the majority of people will be on holiday this time of year so it might be tricky finding someone before January.

I get feeling awful but announcing now puts you at a disadvantage. That gives him two months roughly to fuck you over. No discussions till your interests and the kids interests are protected.

I would look into other options before BK. Don't take it off the table but don't put it at the top of the list just yet. BK may eliminate debt but it can also mess up being able to get housing (buy or rent) and other things you may need credit for that might crop up in this situation.

It's very un YM but I would make bare minimum payments for now just to keep current. Look into consolidation programs or taking out a private unsecured loan for the amount at a better rate. Look into playing the CC shuffle if your score is high enough.

Then later you can revisit BK. Right now you need your credit as in tact as possible.

[gs11rmb]

Sam_2.0 do you have equity in the rental house?  Can you sell and pay off some debts?

[cktc]

Big hugs, Lost. It sounds like you are being very smart and considerate about things.

Run a free credit report for both of you "for car buying purposes". That will give you a better idea of the debt load and will be helpful to have for the attorney as well.

[bean29]

I would not give him the equity from the house. I would stipulate house must be sold proceeds used to pay off debt, or I would take the house, and agree to pay off debt = to his amount of equity.

I know all about the term jointly and severally liable. It means if he dosn’t pay, you will. Your remedy it to then sue him. If you never got him to be responsible when you were married to him, how well do you think it will go once you are divorced?

[chiver78]

Nov 12, 2018 13:19:37 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Im doing it for the kids If they werent here, I'd be out the door now. 

Sunday I suggested we get out of the house and go to Target. I let Al take a clipboard and a pencil to write out a few items each of the kids liked, and then said she could write their letters to Santa this year. She was SUPER excited. I figured we'd get coffee first and then walk around the store and it would be neutral at least. Well, J acted like a normal 4yo and said he wanted everything he saw, lol. I made A write one thing for each of her brothers before she could write down something for herself. Overall I thought we were having fun. H snapped at J for whining and then declared he was a horrible child and the trip was over and we left. Not before he got the Christmas candies he wanted, however. Got home and put the candy right on the island, then screamed at the kids when they kept whining for candy. We still have 4 buckets of halloween candy, ffs. We didn't need any more candy. But when I threw a pack of dryer balls on the belt because the boys had lost the old ones, he asked if they were really necessary and if they could wait until the next trip. Must have given him one hell of a look because he bought them and shut up. 

Ive had a bad cold/flu this last week and he has been no help at all with the kids or dogs (babysitting for friends that were out of town - he knew this was happening). Then he got pissy because I said I didnt want to have sex when I had a raging fever and body aches and just wanted to be left alone. Last night he was in the kitchen making his own dinner (because he refuses to eat with us), and I asked him to make me a hot toddy while he was right there. "Ughghg. What? You are going to have to tell me how to do it." WTF? I told him to just turn on the kettle and leave me alone. 

I think he knows I went to the counselor and he knows what is coming. He's been SO MEAN since I set up the appointment on Monday. 

good fucking lord, I want to hurt him for you. what a self-absorbed asshole! 

[gs11rmb]

Nov 12, 2018 13:35:22 GMT -5 chiver78 said:

Nov 12, 2018 13:19:37 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Im doing it for the kids If they werent here, I'd be out the door now. 

Sunday I suggested we get out of the house and go to Target. I let Al take a clipboard and a pencil to write out a few items each of the kids liked, and then said she could write their letters to Santa this year. She was SUPER excited. I figured we'd get coffee first and then walk around the store and it would be neutral at least. Well, J acted like a normal 4yo and said he wanted everything he saw, lol. I made A write one thing for each of her brothers before she could write down something for herself. Overall I thought we were having fun. H snapped at J for whining and then declared he was a horrible child and the trip was over and we left. Not before he got the Christmas candies he wanted, however. Got home and put the candy right on the island, then screamed at the kids when they kept whining for candy. We still have 4 buckets of halloween candy, ffs. We didn't need any more candy. But when I threw a pack of dryer balls on the belt because the boys had lost the old ones, he asked if they were really necessary and if they could wait until the next trip. Must have given him one hell of a look because he bought them and shut up. 

Ive had a bad cold/flu this last week and he has been no help at all with the kids or dogs (babysitting for friends that were out of town - he knew this was happening). Then he got pissy because I said I didnt want to have sex when I had a raging fever and body aches and just wanted to be left alone. Last night he was in the kitchen making his own dinner (because he refuses to eat with us), and I asked him to make me a hot toddy while he was right there. "Ughghg. What? You are going to have to tell me how to do it." WTF? I told him to just turn on the kettle and leave me alone. 

I think he knows I went to the counselor and he knows what is coming. He's been SO MEAN since I set up the appointment on Monday. 

good fucking lord, I want to hurt him for you. what a self-absorbed asshole! 

Also, am I the only one wondering why on earth anyone would want to have sex with a person who is obviously sick?  Is he so self-absorbed that he didn't actually realize you were miserably unwell?

[Sam_2.0]

Nov 12, 2018 13:37:59 GMT -5 gs11rmb said:

Nov 12, 2018 13:35:22 GMT -5 chiver78 said:

good fucking lord, I want to hurt him for you. what a self-absorbed asshole! 

Also, am I the only one wondering why on earth anyone would want to have sex with a person who is obviously sick?  Is he so self-absorbed that he didn't actually realize you were miserably unwell?

He thinks I am just maliciously withholding sex to punish him or get my way on things. He acted completely surprised when I said I simply had no desire to have sex with someone I had no other kind of relationship with. He thinks because we are married and "the bible says so"....

It's been awhile. A few weeks at least. That's always been his biggest complaint. At this point I really wish he would find someone else, if for nothing more than to make him happy. Because clearly I am not compatible with him.

[Sam_2.0]

Nov 12, 2018 13:30:17 GMT -5 gs11rmb said:

Sam_2.0 do you have equity in the rental house?  Can you sell and pay off some debts?

Unfortunately, no. That thing was a money pit from the beginning and the area has gone way down recently in terms of property values. If I could break even I would unload it in a heartbeat.

[gs11rmb]

Sam_2.0 are you sure you can make it to January?  The whole situation is intolerable.

[Sam_2.0]

Nov 12, 2018 13:34:05 GMT -5 bean29 said:

I would not give him the equity from the house. I would stipulate house must be sold proceeds used to pay off debt, or I would take the house, and agree to pay off debt = to his amount of equity.

I know all about the term jointly and severally liable. It means if he dosn’t pay, you will. Your remedy it to then sue him. If you never got him to be responsible when you were married to him, how well do you think it will go once you are divorced?

I want the house only so I can keep Aly in her school. But shes only in elementary and i feel like she could adjust to a move. So while i want the house, it's not a hill i would die on. Theres another neighborhood down the way that is more affordable and would switch her Elementary school but keep her in the same district.

We took out a Heloc to pay off some CC debt (that he then ran back up, ughghg). That plus the mortgage means we dont have a ton of equity, but we do have some. Maybe 50k?

[alabamagal]

A couple of things to think about(certainly not an expert here).

On the vehicle, I would think it would be best to get a reasonable vehicle that you want that should last you a couple of years. It may be more difficult afterwards to get a replacement vehicle. If you get the in-laws junker and it dies in a year, you could be screwed. I would get a 2-5 yo vehicle.

Make sure that any agreements take into account his future income increases. As I understand it, he has had limited income with potential for future increases as he builds his client base. Hopefully you can get a lawyer to work this type of thing out.

[swamp]

Nov 12, 2018 14:00:45 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Nov 12, 2018 13:30:17 GMT -5 gs11rmb said:

Sam_2.0 do you have equity in the rental house?  Can you sell and pay off some debts?

Unfortunately, no. That thing was a money pit from the beginning and the area has gone way down recently in terms of property values. If I could break even I would unload it in a heartbeat.

Is KS a recourse state?  

If not, I'd let it go into foreclosure.  

If yes, I might do it anyway and declare bankruptcy.    

Get the new to you car.  Get copies of everything, all asset and all debt statements.  Get the divorce, declare bankruptcy, and then go on with your life. 

I disagree on getting a "ball buster."  I find them to be a waste of money.  Just get someone competent.   This is the disssolution of a standard middle class marriage, not someone with tons of money.  They don't have the money to fight this to the end of time.  

Tell him, we can do this the easy way, agree, and still coparent effectivly, or end up hating each other, spending all our money, and destroying the kids.      I think mediation is great if the parties agree that the divorce is the way to go.   

It's 50/50 and the courts don't care who did what.  you're better off coming up with your own division than having the courts do it for you. 

[debthaven]

I kind of want to go trade in the Acadia on my own and just get the $3k Sienna from the dealer (same year and mileage as in-laws - would be worth the extra to not have "their" car though).

I agree ... buying their car could come back and bite you.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Chumplady.Com has help on figuring out what ducks you need to get in a row. And they've seen it all.

I second pulling his credit report. And your own.

[Sam_2.0]

Nov 12, 2018 14:02:54 GMT -5 gs11rmb said:

Sam_2.0 are you sure you can make it to January?  The whole situation is intolerable.

I've tolerated it far too long anyway. Another 6 weeks isnt going to make a difference to me.

[debthaven]

Sorry I've just caught up ...

Sam do you need all the bedrooms? Could you sell your house and buy a smaller one, maybe with 1 less bedroom or less land?

[debthaven]

And I think you are wise to wait till Jan. For YOUR sake and the KIDS' sake. Screw him.

 

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

I did my whole divorce proceedings myself, and there are portions I regret not having a lawyer for. 

I agree with those who say don't give him any warning--regardless of whether or not you choose to have a lawyer. 

[mollyanna58]

Nov 12, 2018 14:19:38 GMT -5 debthaven said:

And I think you are wise to wait till Jan. For YOUR sake and the KIDS' sake. Screw him.

 

It gives you time to get everything in order.  If you don't mention it, he'll probably think you are fine with things the way you are, and he won't take any steps to screw you financially.