Getting my stuff together

[zibazinski]

I’d have emergency bags packed too. Maybe left at a family members house.

[zibazinski]

I hope it doesn’t get ugly but sometimes when the victim is no longer willing to be a victim, it gets ugly. I don’t think you can fake nice through the holidays but good luck.

[zibazinski]

Make sure he can’t access your passwords here too. Plus don’t tell friends and family your plans until you’re ready to make the move. Loose lips and all.

[zibazinski]

Remember, to rent anywhere is going to take cash-upfront. Plus moving furniture. Hopefully you don’t have to buy all new furniture and all. Plan for worse case scenario and hopefully none of it will happen.

[zibazinski]

I hope whatever place you find has good security. As in locked entrance doors.

[andi9899]

Sam's husband doesn't strike me as being dangerous. A total asshole maybe, but not dangerous. I know people change in this situation, but I really think he's just going to stop coming home when she tells him. He may get a bit petty, but I don't think he'd hurt her.

[zibazinski]

I hope so. Better safe than sorry though. If she’s prepared and nothing happens, great

[steph08]

Nov 12, 2018 21:50:48 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Sam's husband doesn't strike me as being dangerous. A total asshole maybe, but not dangerous. I know people change in this situation, but I really think he's just going to stop coming home when she tells him. He may get a bit petty, but I don't think he'd hurt her.

I would like to think this, but we don't know the whole situation and what is mental illness entails. I was actually thinking much worse than zib earlier, but I tend to think of crazy scenarios that never actually happen.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Nov 12, 2018 17:33:43 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Nov 12, 2018 15:28:48 GMT -5 debthaven said:

Also, Sam, this isn't very kind, but given that he finally gets a regular paycheck (this was the first I've heard about that) I wouldn't hesitate to use that money to pay stuff off if you can before you pull the trigger.

Lord know you've been supporting him for long enough.

Know what's funny? He is eligible for benefits now. He didn't tell me until after he had let the sign up period lapse. He doesnt want to get benefits because then they would make him actually clock in & out, and right now he's getting by with not doing that (and the office admin is PISSED about it too). 

Pulled the credit reports. Turns out the ones showing for him are the joint ones we have, so that's a LOT better than I had thought. And he doesn't have current cards for those, so I feel a lot better. If we sell the houses, we could be out of debt jointly rather quickly. 

And I would use that against him as a custody argument. He can't be bothered to discuss health insurance for his children, he doesn't deserve to ever see them. Piece of shit as a dad. 


I'm going to need to mostly not respond to this thread. I am a complete and utter bitch when it comes to ex-husbands ignoring their children. 
So, please know that I'm thinking about you. If I can respond calmly, I might. If you have a question you specifically want me to answer, tag me, and I will. 

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Nov 12, 2018 22:07:25 GMT -5 steph08 said:

Nov 12, 2018 21:50:48 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Sam's husband doesn't strike me as being dangerous. A total asshole maybe, but not dangerous. I know people change in this situation, but I really think he's just going to stop coming home when she tells him. He may get a bit petty, but I don't think he'd hurt her.

I would like to think this, but we don't know the whole situation and what is mental illness entails. I was actually thinking much worse than zib earlier, but I tend to think of crazy scenarios that never actually happen.

Me too. 

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Nov 12, 2018 20:31:39 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Nov 12, 2018 20:17:44 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

That’s why you need to get your ducks in a row now. If he knows you’ve had it, he’ll really start crap and make all your lives more miserable I hope you’ve started looking for a new place.

I've been looking. Worst case scenario I stay with family until I find a new spot. We wont be homeless [img src="http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/smile.gif" alt="" class="smile" src="//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/smiley.png"]

Keep in mind even if you leave the current home, you will still be responsible for the mortgage, utilities, and upkeep. Even if he stays there. 
leaving the home can also be considered abandonment and he can sue you for temporary spousal support--which is different than alimony. 

Alimony depends on how long you've been married and how assets are divided. 

I still recommend getting a lawyer for the financial parts. Your state most likely has a pre-determined custody plan. I'd start with that with you having sole custody for decision making and primary residential custody. That means you get the educational, medical, and religious decisions without his input and they'd be with you at least 75% of the time. 

I swear I'm stepping out of this now. I'm riled up on your behalf. Hugs. 

[oped]

Nov 12, 2018 21:50:48 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Sam's husband doesn't strike me as being dangerous. A total asshole maybe, but not dangerous. I know people change in this situation, but I really think he's just going to stop coming home when she tells him. He may get a bit petty, but I don't think he'd hurt her.

The problem is that almost all relationships/personalities get WORSE in a divorce. Rarely do people shine through this process. His past behavior, and frankly his fundamental upbringing, and mental instability, mean that you prepare for the worst. 

[NastyWoman]

I am paying @athena53 to hopefully talk you out of trying to keep the house. She once upon a time had to make similar decisions and she is a very level -headed and kind person IMO

[Sam_2.0]

Only reason I'd want the house is to keep A in her school. It's just for this neighborhood. But it's not the one to die for either. I'll cut my losses if needed.

[justme]

Nov 12, 2018 23:40:00 GMT -5 NastyWoman said:

I am paying @athena53 to hopefully talk you out of trying to keep the house. She once upon a time had to make similar decisions and she is a very level -headed and kind person IMO

Considering how much it seems she covers off her salary, it might come down to how the settlement goes regarding their debt. But for sure the decision on the house has to be 100% financial decision.

Well, actually I think I read it in my advice columns (can't think of who it would have been here but I could be blanking) of an ex who still felt like the house was his and it was a lot harder to extricate him from her life.

[NastyWoman]

Nov 12, 2018 23:50:20 GMT -5 justme said:

Nov 12, 2018 23:40:00 GMT -5 NastyWoman said:

I am paying @athena53 to hopefully talk you out of trying to keep the house. She once upon a time had to make similar decisions and she is a very level -headed and kind person IMO

Considering how much it seems she covers off her salary, it might come down to how the settlement goes regarding their debt. But for sure the decision on the house has to be 100% financial decision.

Well, actually I think I read it in my advice columns (can't think of who it would have been here but I could be blanking) of an ex who still felt like the house was his and it was a lot harder to extricate him from her life.

True and there was that little sentence in one of the posts "the house has been a money put from day one". 

It has to go, and as the mother of a pair of modern day gypsies, I can guarantee you that kids do adjust to new houses and new schools. A clean break would be best for all in Camp Sam IMO.

[justme]

Nov 13, 2018 0:05:48 GMT -5 NastyWoman said:

Nov 12, 2018 23:50:20 GMT -5 justme said:

Considering how much it seems she covers off her salary, it might come down to how the settlement goes regarding their debt. But for sure the decision on the house has to be 100% financial decision.

Well, actually I think I read it in my advice columns (can't think of who it would have been here but I could be blanking) of an ex who still felt like the house was his and it was a lot harder to extricate him from her life.

True and there was that little sentence in one of the posts "the house has been a money put from day one". 

It here to go, and as the mother of a pair of modern day gypsies, I can guarantee you that kids do adjust to new houses and new schools. A clean break would be best for all in Camp Sam IMO.

There's two houses. One that she bought before they married, but it's underwater due to the market crash years ago and the area going to hell so they're renting it out. Then there's the one that have now, which it sounds like its affordability depends upon how the debt that have gets divvied up.

[zibazinski]

If selling both houses clears up the debt then that’s the smartest move. A house is bricks and sticks. You need a clean slate and a fresh start. Your lawyer will tell you how to do this. Staying in a house during your divorce with your soon to be ex husband is not a healthy plan. Either he moves or you do. It’d best if he does obviously but I don’t think he will cooperate. Not if it means losing control. That’s why you need sound legal advice from a good lawyer. Expect a retainer fee. It’ll be at least a grand, maybe more.

[zibazinski]

If he finally has a real job, he can pay the house bills.

[mmhmm]

Sam_2.0, I don't wander into this area of the boards often but, seeing what you're currently going through is breaking my heart. I'm so very sorry. I don't have a darned thing to offer in the way of advice, I'm afraid - other than to agree with those who advise seeing an attorney as soon as possible. A good attorney has met (up close and personal) every one of the ducks you're trying to line up and will best know how you should proceed in order to achieve the best possible outcome. In the meantime, take care of YOU, and know you're cared about and important to all of us here. 

[Sam_2.0]

Got my homework from the lawyer.

[debthaven]

Sam I know it's hard but you're doing this for your kids too. You don't want your kids growing up thinking that's how a marriage should work.

[debthaven]

I am paying athena53 to hopefully talk you out of trying to keep the house.

Wow NastyWoman that is very generous of you to pay Athena for that!  

(Sorry Sam I couldn't resist.)

[Sam_2.0]

Haha, Athena isnt too far from me, actually. She could come smack some sense into me herself if she wanted

[raeoflyte]

Hugs Sam.  

[wvugurl26]

Hugs and good thoughts for you Sam. Good luck getting everything in order.

[gs11rmb]

Nov 13, 2018 12:49:35 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Got my homework from the lawyer. [img src="http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/sad.png" src="//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/sad.png" class="smile" alt=""]

Anything you didn't expect?

Does it feel good (relatively speaking) to have made your decision?  I hope you aren't beating yourself up.  You have tried everything possible to make this marriage work.

[finnime]

Best to you, Sam_2.0.

18 years ago I divorced an extremely controlling man who really cared little for his children. It was a difficult divorce: he had to 'win' something, but life improved in a thousand ways.

[chen35]

Sam, are you sure he isn't reading these boards? I thought once you said you thought he may have.

Just trying to keep you safe and in the best situation possible! You are a rockstar and you will get through this!

[Sam_2.0]

I don't know if hes reading or not.

I feel ok about the decision, but the 9 pages of info to gather before I meet with the lawyer is daunting.