Aging Parent Support Thread

[TheOtherMe]

I would think if she is not going to the hospital, she would be okay with you visiting your dad.

Hugs 

[azucena]

Some people thrive on creating drama around an already intense situation. Plus she is drawing your attn to her instead of your dad. It's horrid but I've been there with MIL and SIL. Even today the anniversary of dh's last surgery he posted on FB. Sil responded for him to call her bc she has a dr appt tomorrow. Yeah, that's an appropriate response. Smh.

I think you have to decide for yourself if you want to visit him. She can't control access - assuming hospital isn't limiting visitors.

[buystoys]

Hugs, gira.  You have so much on your plate.

[giramomma]

Well, they said hospice. But, I guess dad's not sick enough to go yet. Which I'm not understanding much, either. Everything I've read is 6 months.

I'm going to call him up, soon.  I know he won't be able to talk likely.

Not sure if I have to alert someone that mom might be suicidal. I don't know if that's the grief talking or if it's real.

Is it bad that I have to ask if normal parents comfort their (adult) children when one parent dies?

How are you all empathetic when you can't identify? For all that my husband has put me through, yes, I would be lost without him if he died.  But, I would also know how to function and would want to keep on keeping on.

[seriousthistime]

Is he willing to stop treatment for his conditions related to terminal illness?  That is a requirement for hospice care.  You can't be in palliative care and undergo treatment too. 

[giramomma]

It's pretty clear that my dad's body just can't handle any more treatment. There's no curing him, it was like that from Day 1 of the diagnosis. I think the treatment he's been on has already been palliative.

I did talk to him, briefly. He asked me how the kids are. I think he told me he loved me too. It was hard to understand him at the end of our chat. And, even if he didn't, I'm going to pretend that he did to make myself feel better.

[raeoflyte]

I don't think the 6 month cut off is true anymore either.

Gira - I don't think you need to comfort your mom any more than what you feel comfortable with, regardless of others situation. You will have your own grieving that should be supported that I don't see your mom helping you with.

[stillmovingforward]

Jan 26, 2021 12:29:22 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Well, they said hospice. But, I guess dad's not sick enough to go yet. Which I'm not understanding much, either. Everything I've read is 6 months.

I'm going to call him up, soon.  I know he won't be able to talk likely.

Not sure if I have to alert someone that mom might be suicidal. I don't know if that's the grief talking or if it's real.

Is it bad that I have to ask if normal parents comfort their (adult) children when one parent dies?

How are you all empathetic when you can't identify? For all that my husband has put me through, yes, I would be lost without him if he died.  But, I would also know how to function and would want to keep on keeping on.

He has to have an expected 6 months left and does not want life extension treatments.
Yes, when my father died, my emotionally healthy mother lost it and we had to prop her up and support her. A few weeks later we swapped places. I grieved and she comforted.
You need to tell her dr. and the hospital. Aren't you a teacher and aren't they mandatory reporters? If for no other reason then to 1) she learns it's not a joke and 2) intervention besides you can happen for her depression or mental illness.
Just my thoughts after going through the above with family and others. Supporting thoughts to you. You're going to need all you can get. Don't hesitate to age appropriately learn on your older kids if you can. We discovered grief was easier to handle if the kids felt needed in the process.

[stillmovingforward]

And support for a grieving parent does NOT mean being her whipping post or at her beck and call. First and foremost, project yourself and your kids!

[giramomma]

Jan 26, 2021 13:24:47 GMT -5 stillmovingforward said:

And support for a grieving parent does NOT mean being her whipping post or at her beck and call. First and foremost, project yourself and your kids!

I know.

This is terrible.

We have a landline, with caller ID on the phone. Mom's caller ID is "don't answer" so the kids don't pick up.

Makes me giggle.

[jerseygirl]

A 6 month life expectancy isn’t needed anymore. Just that condition will be fatal and not being treated (eg chemotherapy) other than supportive such as usual meds such as for hypertension, pain relief, oxygen etc - at least in my experience with sister and 97 yr old aunt. Aunt has been in hospice care at home for at least 2 years
Hospice or hospital social workers can help with getting help for grief , psychological distress etc

[raeoflyte]

Jan 26, 2021 13:53:17 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Jan 26, 2021 13:24:47 GMT -5 stillmovingforward said:

And support for a grieving parent does NOT mean being her whipping post or at her beck and call. First and foremost, project yourself and your kids!

I know.

This is terrible.

We have a landline, with caller ID on the phone. Mom's caller ID is "don't answer" so the kids don't pick up.

Makes me giggle.

I don't think they did it, but my parents were going to change dgf ring tone to flight of the bumble bee.

[giramomma]

And. I chatted with mom's favorite nurse, and she said she's keeping an eye out on Mom. So...I think that's the best course of action, right now.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

TD’s dad’s lung cancer has moved into his spine and is causing an incredible amount of pain that morphine doesn’t touch.   As a result, they are putting cement in th3 spine where the tumors have fractured the bone to give relief from pain.  Listening to this, I am incredibly glad my mom’s lung cancer metastasized to her brain stem.  She didn’t have near the pain. 

In an effort to avoid having all 2 kids not call and get the same update, they take turns and share the information.  Only one kid lives in town, 2 live in BC and TD in the US.  Those that live in BC have to quarantine if they move provinces.  

His son went with him to the doctor, and when he took off his shirt he said his dad looked like a survivor of a concentration camp.  My FIL was very slender before, so his loss of weight has an impact upon his resources.  

TD has made no noises about visiting, even jumping through the hoops.

[jerseygirl]

So sad TD’s dad is having pain, is he in hospice? Hospice is usually very good at pain management

[plugginaway22]

I just went through this with my 82 year old mom. She completely fell apart during my dad's diagnosis, illness, hospice care, and death. Thankfully there are 3 of us that all stepped up to help, but there was absolutely nothing from her as far as support/sympathy, she was truly incapable. It has been only 3 months since he died and she is hanging in there, but we can see that decisions will need to be made all while she is continuing to be quite controlling.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Jan 26, 2021 16:24:32 GMT -5 jerseygirl said:

So sad TD’s dad is having pain, is he in hospice? Hospice is usually very good at pain management

He is only palliative care to decrease pain.  This treatment should help his pain more than morphine does, so he can be more aware.  

[TheOtherMe]

I'm glad you talked to your dad giramomma

When my mom first went in to hospice care right up until she died, my dad never accepted the reality that mom was dying.  He told the hospice nurses as she was dying that she was not dying.  He insisted until his final days that he didn't know she was dying.

My sister and I spent the time from her death until his death comforting him.  He was not capable of comforting us.  All he wanted was to be with mom

[giramomma]

I know I shouldn't be wondering why my mom isn't capable of doing things she never was capable of.

I mean, I figured out that if I just kept the conversation on her, she'd never stop and ask me one thing about me a long time ago.  She got her needs met, and I didn't have to be vulnerable.

She still hasn't asked about the kids. I mean, I'm doing some pretty awesome things myself...and she doesn't ask me about those.

I find it interesting, that now, even though I've made peace with the fact that I never got the mother that I wanted or needed, I still somehow think that she should be the mother I wanted and needed. I suppose grief is a funny thing.

[TheOtherMe]

Grief brings all kinds of thoughts and memories.  Often when I least expect it.

Same for Lucy Cat.  I heard her distinctive meow during the inauguration.  How did that happen?

[azucena]

Gira - I think it's natural to want her to be a mother even if you've given up on it already. I went thru that with my dad. Mothers and fathers are our most basic relationships so there is no escaping that need.

[busymom]

Jan 26, 2021 20:10:07 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Grief brings all kinds of thoughts and memories.  Often when I least expect it.

Same for Lucy Cat.  I heard her distinctive meow during the inauguration.  How did that happen?

    I agree that grief can hit you when you least expect it.  It's a process.


    I find it interesting that you've heard Lucy Cat's meow.  I heard Bad Boy Puppy's collar jingling more than once after he was gone.  I just decided he was trying to tell me that he's ok.  

[TheOtherMe]

I tell myself hearing Lucy's meow is her way of telling me she is find and enjoying meeting her kitty siblings at the Rainbow Bridge.

[giramomma]

Well, now we wait. Mom doesn't think it will be too long. But, mom's lens. I asked if she thought they'd move him to hospice soon. She said I hope not. It doesn't sound like dad's imminent today. She's keeping me pretty updated, but hasn't mentioned that his breathing is getting all wonky.

She thought she could stay overnight with him at the hospice. Which is what she would want anyway.  So, I don't know why she wouldn't want to seriously explore the option.

This time period reminds me of when I was prepping for the birth of the kids. Just do something to keep busy, but you don't want to start new projects, because you don't know the unknown. 

I started poking around the stocks that they owned..that was supposed to help them through retirement. Plugging in some numbers and looking at historical data, again, with what I know...just another missed opportunity. I think the number that they have also probably was not the result of a pension buy out.

I need to get back at it.

ETA: So I know why she doesn't want to do hospice. Her plan only works if Dad passes in the next 24 hours or so. I offered to go to the city she lives in, rent a room and take care of the dog (which can't be boarded), so she can be with dad. I made it clear that I would not encroach. She said she'd think about it.

[TheOtherMe]

That's very kind of you.  Is there in home hospice where she is located and is that a possibility?  Mom wanted to die at home and because of in home hospice, she was able to do that.

Hugs and more hugs for you  

[jerseygirl]

My 97 yr old aunt has been in hospice for almost 2 years. She’s at home and her son also pays for a live in caretaker

[giramomma]

Jan 27, 2021 15:38:10 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

That's very kind of you.  Is there in home hospice where she is located and is that a possibility?  Mom wanted to die at home and because of in home hospice, she was able to do that.

Hugs and more hugs for you  

I think she's worried if she has others at her house she will be removed from it. She also just doesn't want to deal with another place of care. Like, she doesn't have the mental bandwidth to process another thing. I don't blame her. But, I'm done begging/pleading with her. I know it's her thing that she likes, but I don't have to do it anymore.

I'm not sure the hospital will keep dad, though, even if that's what she wants. So. We trying to do some preparing today/tomorrow so that we're not completely reactive, either if she changes her mind and expects me post haste.

[giramomma]

Jan 27, 2021 16:14:51 GMT -5 jerseygirl said:

My 97 yr old aunt has been in hospice for almost 2 years. She’s at home and her son also pays for a live in caretaker

Yeah. I don't think Dad is hanging on that long. His organs are starting to shut down, and they have started morphine to make him comfortable.

I also have to be careful of how much we offer to help financially. I don't mind a little here or there, but I already work two jobs, and I'm not working a third job and/or sacrificing our retirement because my parents chose to not get their affairs in order when they could have and should have.

Our taxable money is precisely what my mom was thinking about when she decided that I owed her money last year, for gifts she gave me several decades ago. She needed money. She knows I have some. So. Therefore, the way to get ahold of that money is for her to demand it from me because under the guises of me owing her.

[TheOtherMe]

Medicare pays for in home hospice.  That's all we have here.

I'm guessing it pays for a hospice facility.  Like you, I don't think the hospital will keep him if he's expected to live more than a day or two.

[empress of self-improvement]

Jan 27, 2021 17:13:34 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Medicare pays for in home hospice.  That's all we have here.

I'm guessing it pays for a hospice facility.  Like you, I don't think the hospital will keep him if he's expected to live more than a day or two.

Medicare does cover the hospice facility. At least it did 10 years ago when my mother went in and died the next day. She was under home hospice at the time but had a stroke so the nurse had her taken to the facility.