Aging Parent Support Thread

[azucena]

That's a lot gira.

One point in particular is that I think it's okay that your guard is up with DH.  I'm glad he's stepping up, but I think it's totally natural and maybe even necessary for you to be wary.  Particularly since you have a reason to be defensive with both him and your parents so both at once is a lot to manage.

I forget if you have siblings in the mix.

Keep posting here - we'll be your outlet.

[giramomma]

Thanks all.

azucena I'm an only child. Actually my mom is only child, too, and my dad's brother died 20-something years ago.

DS has been asking questions, too. DD1, much less. Been trying hard to shelter them from all of this. It's not their burden. DS can't understand how my cousins want nothing to do with me/our family. Like, it just doesn't compute.

Lots of conversations have ended with me saying "And this is why I don't talk about my side of the family."

[finnime]

You've got a rough road ahead, giramomma. Hugs to you.

[TheOtherMe]

Sounds like it's going to be tough.  

I'm not buying the hospital is that incompetent.  When I was in and out of the hospital 4 years ago, before my gallbladder surgery, no one was visiting daily to make sure things were getting done.  What was supposed to happen was written on a white board and everything on the board happened.

One time, the nurses had to leave me while doing something because an elderly woman across the hall had coded.  I didn't have an issue with them leaving for that.

[raeoflyte]

Hugs gira.

[azucena]

Jan 22, 2021 8:46:29 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Thanks all.

azucena I'm an only child. Actually my mom is only child, too, and my dad's brother died 20-something years ago.

DS has been asking questions, too. DD1, much less. Been trying hard to shelter them from all of this. It's not their burden. DS can't understand how my cousins want nothing to do with me/our family. Like, it just doesn't compute.

Lots of conversations have ended with me saying "And this is why I don't talk about my side of the family."

FWIW, I've been having difficult conversations about my in-laws with DD12.  It falls under my policy - if you're interested enough to ask, I'll attempt to explain it to you.  I try really hard to stay factual.

FIL passed away about 8 years ago from organ failure due to alcoholism.  DD has heard enough rumblings to realize that he drank.  I feel like it's my responsibility to make sure she knows that she is genetically predisposed to alcoholism.  Plus she is more likely to listen at 12 than 18.  She was 4 when he died so doesn't remember much.

Both FIL and MIL were/are legally blind and dependent on social security.  Both smoked multiple packs a day.  MIL has rotten teeth and recently got some kind of aid for dentures.  In the last year, DD12 has privately asked me about why Gram's teeth are so bad.  Smoking and poor hygiene.  Gram has stayed with us for 3-5 nights once or twice a year.  DH has to ask her to bathe at the beg of the visit and again in the middle.  It's embarrassing and infantile, but it's how we've learned to somewhat handle her.  DD12 can't help but notice and I explain that no one taught her and she's let herself go.

We've never visited MIL's apartment because it likely has bugs.  We check all gifts from her and usually end up discarding most of it.  Again, DD knows this.

SIL/DD's aunt also has terrible teeth due to smoking and an obscene amount of soda.  It's so bad that I know she is being passed over for waitressing jobs.  She didn't complete hs but did eventually get a GED.  She's on the line of making more on welfare than working particularly with two kids by two different dads who don't provide support.  She pulled her son from 8th grade to online school him last year pre-virus.  It's difficult to watch the cycle perpetuate, and we influence where we can.

DD and I have had conversations about these details.  I stress that they really don't know any better.  And I also stress that education is a huge key in all of this.  DH and I started dating in hs.  He'd end up at my house to eat dinner most nights because his didn't have food.  He'll tell you that he wouldn't have ended up in college without me and his best friend.  We were making college plans so he fell along for the ride.  He ended up moving in with best friend's family at 17.  DD knows this too because DH has another 'Mama'.

A few weeks ago, DD asked if we'd ever help them with money as she can clearly see the income disparity.  I said it's tricky because they will overstep.  I did tell her that we anonymously finished the payments for MIL's hearing aids.  The blind woman needs her hearing for safety!  She was making payments but wasn't going to finish in time and would have gotten caught in one of those retroactive high interest rates.  DH had been in the loop enough to know some of the details, so two months before it was overdue, he called and paid the remainder and told them to tell her she received a grant.

Anyway, I share all that to show you the tough conversations that my DD is learning from.  I can tell it makes her think through our situation compared to theirs and where she wants to be.  It also makes her compassionate towards them and others who are less fortunate.

[azucena]

I should add that DH knows that these conversations are happening and has 'approved'.  He's just not interested in rehashing the details as it's too painful.  He's mostly disconnected himself from them because that is really the healthy choice.  Thankfully, we've found a balance of how to help when it makes sense because they are still his family.

[mollyanna58]

Hugs, giramomma  

You may have to make an in-person visit to get a better assessment of the situation.

[giramomma]

Jan 22, 2021 10:36:07 GMT -5 mollyanna58 said:

Hugs, giramomma   

You may have to make an in-person visit to get a better assessment of the situation.

The plan is the first week in Feb. My inlaws are prepared to take the kids so we can go down during the week. Which is super ironic on so many levels, because my parents pretty much demonized my inlaws from when DH and I were seriously dating.

I'll ask mom if she's up for it.

She could turn me down, and I'm not fighting her.

I've spent from 10-32 fighting her. Which, really was just an exercise in banging my head up against the wall. At 32, I figured, I could just decide to stop banging my head against the wall. And I did. The world turned, afterwords. And I'm OK.  I'm not interested in going back.

She will accept my help if I just do things at a distance.. We were talking and she needed some stuff for dad for rehab.  I'd just interrupt her and ask questions and told her stuff was coming.

But, entering someone's property without their permission is not something I feel comfortable with.

But, I'm also smart enough to realize that if she's one of those that's going romanticize everything when a person is dying...I should probably take advantage before she starts calling me a bitch underneath her breath again. When that happens, I'm out.

[lurkyloo]

Hugs gira.  I don’t have any new advice, just sympathy.  This is hard.

[lurkyloo]

Dad moved into his new assisted living place.  He lasted less than a day before breaking his hip falling in the bathroom.  Despite having a full time aide, no one realized it-they thought he had another stroke    He’s having surgery to repair it today.  Sounds like my brother hasn’t had a full night of sleep in nearly two months and now this.

[finnime]

Oh, no, lurkyloo. That is harsh.

[TheOtherMe]

I'm sorry to hear this.  

[Bonny]

I just finished a book called "Being Mortal" which has a really interesting perspective on aging and terminal illness. I'm recommending it to all of my friends.

After reading it I feel like I did the best I could with my Dad. I hope it gives me some more patience and empathy with dealing with MIL.


 to you all. This stuff is hard. 

[giramomma]

Well, the niceness lasted for 6 days.

After getting off the phone with my mom, if we would have played a drinking game in which you all took a shot when I said f*ck, you'd all be black out, passed out drunk right now.

My job, still after 45 years of life is to be her soother.  And, it does really mean dropping everything, whatever I'm doing. (I happened to be teaching.)

I have to nope out of all of this.

It's like she's set fire to her house, watching it go down in flames, and then doing the steve eurkel "Did I do that?" And I seriously think that she thinks my response should be the laugh track.

One of the highlights was mom quipping that if dad does come home, he'll just end up sitting in a urine soaked chair because it's taking two people to lift him onto a toilet, and she can't do it by herself.

So. I start asking about health insurance. Well, they do have supplemental. But, dad chose everything (yeah for his male chauvinist bullshit) and mom doesn't have a clue what's in their papers. She doesn't know where the insurance papers are, either. So I asked her, well, wouldn't it be good for you to know what's in your own insurance coverage? I'm like, no one will give me information if I just start saying "Hi I'm the daughter of grandpa Gira and Grandma gira..Give me all of their information."

Then, I went on the insurance web site and saw exactly what you needed to set up accounts. I told her, that I would be happy to set them off, print off the paperwork, and help her figure out what inhome care might be covered.  I told her as soon as we got the information, I would be happy to change the password such that I could never access it again.

She'll think about it.

What the every loving fuck?

She said it herself. She knows the nano-second the curtain is lifted and folks see behind it....she will have lost control. And she has to be in control.

I don't know how all there she is or isn't. But, if dad is as bad off as she says, I find it strange that she would let him die alone in the hospital.  She also knew that she wouldn't be going this weekend, and if she wanted...she could have "allowed" me to go visit him. 

She has decided that it's OK that I call him in the hospital. 

It sounds like some things I ordered over amazon didn't work out....they sent the wrong size and the wrong formulation.  I'm like. Shit. Just throw it out then or donate it. It was $20 and not worth you bitching over. "Oh, I'll consume it."  I'm like, but you don't have to. No one is making you..This might happen.  We knew it. Again. shit happens.

She did finally let it slip that the dr is  talking palliative care for dad. But, again, wouldn't someone be interested in knowing what their insurance might provide in terms of coverage.

[mollyanna58]

The hospital got copies of his insurance cards at some point.  Their billing office or possibly a social worker can help your mother find out what is covered.

[buystoys]

All I can do is send hugs to you gira.  What a burden to carry right now.

[Deleted]

giramomma 

[giramomma]

Jan 23, 2021 15:19:18 GMT -5 mollyanna58 said:

The hospital got copies of his insurance cards at some point.  Their billing office or possibly a social worker can help your mother find out what is covered.

I'll suggest that next time. She did mention that no one else was willing to help her.

[giramomma]

Thanks for letting me have this safe place.

[giramomma]

And lurky- I'm sorry about your dad breaking hip. I hope the surgery went as expected.

[countrygirl2]

I can tell you dealing with elders, everyone has a similar story or some variation thereof. 

My MIL hates me, I've been told. Mom was not happy with me at all, I didn't know how to deal with all of it. It left me feeling guilty for years and years.  You just do the best you can, about all you can do.

[azucena]

Gira - when my dad whom I had chosen to avoid had cancer, surgery and eventually passed - my barometer for my choices was what was I going to be able to live with afterwards. This made things my choice independent of him as much as was possible.

[Deleted]

All this makes me so sad. DD has my medical power of attorney, durable power of attorney, and I have a DNR. But it's still going to be hard on her. I really hope, as we all probably do, that I pass in my sleep before getting to a place where I'm non compos mentis, incontinent and so ill with something terminal that she has to devote all her time and attention to me. I hope that I don't turn mean or combative.

Something we used to hear from DH's mother often was "I don't want to be a burden." Ditto.

Small wonder that so many elderly people suffer from depression.

[giramomma]

There's a difference between avoiding being a burden and playing games.

My inlaws are avoiding being a burden.  (though we never consider them a burden. I'm grateful to return all the favors they continue to grant to us. And to me. )

My mom is playing games.

[Works4me]

Contact the hospital social worker - a good one can help while effectively dodging HIPAA. They can also give you information on current palliative care coverage by both Medicare and supplemental insurance. I had to quit working in 2009 and my father died in 2013 so a lot has changed.

Good luck and Godspeed.

[TheOtherMe]

giramomma

I found this a safe space to vent during my dad's illness.  We hear you.

I do know that we can only do the best we can do.  

[Bonny]

Jan 23, 2021 17:12:53 GMT -5 @missrigby said:

All this makes me so sad. DD has my medical power of attorney, durable power of attorney, and I have a DNR. But it's still going to be hard on her. I really hope, as we all probably do, that I pass in my sleep before getting to a place where I'm non compos mentis, incontinent and so ill with something terminal that she has to devote all her time and attention to me. I hope that I don't turn mean or combative.

Something we used to hear from DH's mother often was "I don't want to be a burden." Ditto.

Small wonder that so many elderly people suffer from depression.

First of all you've taken the time to plan. that's a big   to you and will make things so much easier for your DD. You've also downsized and seem really respectfull of your situation. 

Some us are dealing with some really abusive situations. Some of it is the dementia but in truth these people have always been abusive and selfish but with no filter it's really shockiing.

You're good Miss Rigby!

[lurkyloo]

Jan 23, 2021 16:03:29 GMT -5 giramomma said:

And lurky- I'm sorry about your dad breaking hip. I hope the surgery went as expected.

Yes, he came through OK and is already trying to walk-quite disgusted at having even more limits placed on him.  I’m thinking of suggesting brother ask his doctor about whether ADHD meds are worth trying, since he’s seeking stimulation everywhere and unable to control his impulses 

I have to admit that, for as little as I get along with my family, people have been willing to drop the games and be reasonable.  I’m so sorry your mother is making this all about herself and trying to use it to extract attention from you, by way of throwing trumped-up obstacles around.

[giramomma]

I am going to explode. And you all will know it's me, because it will make the news.

My mom is trying to guilt me because I *couldn't* pick up the phone when she called because I was on a work meeting.  Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the update. But, it wasn't an emergency.

I set up check in times for a reason. I prioritize those above work, school, and my family. 

And it's also really bothering me that she's not at the hospital. This is now day three that she hasn't been. I totally get needing a break. But, the break doesn't match up with everything else I'm hearing. And, don't you think if she was worried about the hospital making dad worse, but wanted a break, she'd be OK with me going there? The hospital has this new invention called internet, I'm presuming.

I dunno. I got to get back to work.