Aging Parent Support Thread

[TheOtherMe]

Dad's hospice care while in a nursing home was covered by Medicare.  The hospital pretty much kicked him out and sent him to a nursing home to die.  He did live 3 weeks in the nursing home, receiving 24 hour care.  He also required 24 hour care in the hospital so they did not want him there.  

[stillmovingforward]

Hugs Gira!
When is my time to go, I pray/hope i give my kids an easy time.

[plugginaway22]

My Dad went home from the hospital, then Hospice started a week or 2 later and he died about 10 days later, at home. Does your Mom want him at home?

[Bonny]

Jan 27, 2021 17:08:48 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Jan 27, 2021 16:14:51 GMT -5 jerseygirl said:

My 97 yr old aunt has been in hospice for almost 2 years. She’s at home and her son also pays for a live in caretaker

Yeah. I don't think Dad is hanging on that long. His organs are starting to shut down, and they have started morphine to make him comfortable.

I also have to be careful of how much we offer to help financially. I don't mind a little here or there, but I already work two jobs, and I'm not working a third job and/or sacrificing our retirement because my parents chose to not get their affairs in order when they could have and should have.

Our taxable money is precisely what my mom was thinking about when she decided that I owed her money last year, for gifts she gave me several decades ago. She needed money. She knows I have some. So. Therefore, the way to get ahold of that money is for her to demand it from me because under the guises of me owing her.

He sounds like he's really close, like within days. Are you able to talk to his nurse/doctor? I think they are going to send him home to die or to skilled nursing if the doctor doesn't think there is enough home support. That's what happened to my Dad.

[giramomma]

Dad is going to hospice later this morning or early afternoon. I can't remember anymore. And I only got the info like 10 minutes ago. I wasn't awake.

After she brought up again that she's not interested in living, I asked if hospice has  a grief counselor at hospice. (Which, I'm sure they do. They have grief counselors at the hospital Dad is it. It says so on the website, even).  Mom says she doesn't know. They just gave her a pamphlet and told her to read, and to call with questions which she did. No one is helping her. That's what she told me.

She's now even demonizing the oncologist who kept dad alive for 10 years. Two days ago, she was the loveliest woman in the world. Not so much anymore.

All my mom does is tell me that she's left alone to handle everything. It is not dawning on her that she's the cause of it...that she's choosing it by pushing me away.

Now, I guess she's worried about money again. Without any information  though, I'm not sure what's accurate and what has been twisted because her lens. She doesn't want information so she can start making informed decisions.

I wish I had a copy of their wills. I don't know who my mom put down as POA if dad died first.

Yeah. I just looked up the hospice. Unless they aren't allowing overnight visitors because of Covid...She can stay with dad.

But, it's much better to refuse my help, fret about not being with Dad when he dies, and then complain that you never got help and you had to do this alone.

[giramomma]

And can I just say, I'm really freaking pissed off and upset right now.  I know this is dumb/creepy. But I really want to get one of those fingerprint pendants from dad's fingerprint. Like. I really really want one. I know better than to make the ask. You know, I'd like one thing so that I know my dad is nearby.

As much as DH put me through, I cannot imagine doing to my kids what my mom is doing to me now. I know she's the wife, and leave and cleave and all that bs.

And I know she's mad at me because I can't do or say what she wants me to. I can't be all like "Mom, it is so horrible that you are so alone. It's awful that no one is there for you." followed by me begging her 100 times.."Mom, please let me help."  I. just. can't.

[taz157]

I’m sorry you are going through this giramomma. I don’t have advice as I haven’t through it but I hope your dad’s transition is painless to him. I hope also you’ll be able to get the fingerprint you want. I’m very sorry about your mom. ((((Hugs))))

[Deleted]

giramomma Maybe a long shot, but might the grief counselor at hospice be willing/able to get your dad's fingerprint for you?

[buystoys]

Big hugs to you giramomma.  I only wish things were easier for you.  Know that we're behind you in how you deal with your mom.  You can only do what you can do.  Don't let her guilt you into overextending yourself.

[giramomma]

Thanks all.

[mollyanna58]

Hugs, giramomma  

[snapdragon]

Sending hugs your way giramomma.

(((( HUG ))))

[Bonny]

Jan 28, 2021 9:04:08 GMT -5 giramomma said:

And can I just say, I'm really freaking pissed off and upset right now.  I know this is dumb/creepy. But I really want to get one of those fingerprint pendants from dad's fingerprint. Like. I really really want one. I know better than to make the ask. You know, I'd like one thing so that I know my dad is nearby.

As much as DH put me through, I cannot imagine doing to my kids what my mom is doing to me now. I know she's the wife, and leave and cleave and all that bs.

And I know she's mad at me because I can't do or say what she wants me to. I can't be all like "Mom, it is so horrible that you are so alone. It's awful that no one is there for you." followed by me begging her 100 times.."Mom, please let me help."  I. just. can't.

Your mom sounds extremely depressed and much like a wounded animal is lashing out at anyone who tries to help. After seeing this within my own family part of what she's going through is a sense of losing control and she's unable to make good decisions for herself.

I suggest YOU reach out to the Hospice Social Worker for yourself. They are trained to help the families as well as the patient.  And see if you can get listed on what is called around here as the Face Sheet. It's not a POA but it does allow the care facility to talk about your father's condition with people other than the wife.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

  Please look into grief counseling for you too.  I'm so sorry.

[giramomma]

Jan 28, 2021 10:57:37 GMT -5 Bonny said:

Your mom sounds extremely depressed and much like a wounded animal is lashing out at anyone who tries to help. After seeing this within my own family part of what she's going through is a sense of losing control and she's unable to make good decisions for herself.

I suggest YOU reach out to the Hospice Social Worker for yourself. They are trained to help the families as well as the patient.  And see if you can get listed on what is called around here as the Face Sheet. It's not a POA but it does allow the care facility to talk about your father's condition with people other than the wife.

Thanks. If I call the hospice social worker, do they have to disclose to my mom that I spoke with them?

[countrygirl2]

I need to say, medicare will only pay for 90 days of nursing home care and that's if going from the hospital to the nursing home. After that its either private pay or medicaid. MIL had to spend down everything to $2k or less to be and remain on medicaid.  They take her SS except for $50 and medicaid pays the rest.

I just read the heading, hell, I'm an aging parent taking care paperwork wise of MIL and physically taking care of DD. It scares me there will be no one to take care of me. Hubs can to a degree. I will him, long as I can. I am guardian for 2 people and fiduciary for 1 and I'm going to be freaking 75!!

Right now we are going along ok. I need to check in with VA and am afraid to. They did FINALLY cut the money off, thank God, on the VA.  But I think for the wrong reason.  No matter its done.

I feel so sorry for all of you, been through that with mom and MIL and her sister for some time and DD. Hope it doesn't come to me having to care for hubs too. Stay strong.

And do work with counselors in the hospitals, I have not had todo that, but they always called to ask if I needed assistance with things for mom.

[finnime]

I don't believe the social worker needs to tell your mother that you spoke with them, no, giramomma. I really hope they can help you, with information and a fingerprint. I'm so sorry about your pending loss. It's terribly hard, losing a father.

[empress of self-improvement]

They should not need to tell your mom they called. Also, the fingerprint is not creepy. Think pf it like the paw prints vets will do after you put an animal down. A nurse on the CCU gave me a small printout of one of DH's final heartbeats in a glass jar. It's on a shelf over my bed.
For our second Christmas after my dad, my mom got me a necklace with my dad's picture laser-printed on it.

[Bonny]

Jan 28, 2021 11:05:41 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Jan 28, 2021 10:57:37 GMT -5 Bonny said:

Your mom sounds extremely depressed and much like a wounded animal is lashing out at anyone who tries to help. After seeing this within my own family part of what she's going through is a sense of losing control and she's unable to make good decisions for herself.

I suggest YOU reach out to the Hospice Social Worker for yourself. They are trained to help the families as well as the patient.  And see if you can get listed on what is called around here as the Face Sheet. It's not a POA but it does allow the care facility to talk about your father's condition with people other than the wife.

Thanks. If I call the hospice social worker, do they have to disclose to my mom that I spoke with them?

Ask him or her. In my state (CA) your conversations are confidential.

ETA: Be sure to let them know that you're really worried about your mom's mental state. They probably alread are aware but be sure to mention it.

[Works4me]

Gura - No, the social worker does not need to disclose they spoke with you. It's hard to put into words and it's never talked about, but a good medical/hospice social worker can work with you to see that the needs of everyone are met.

CG2 - As far as finances and spend downs, things are entirely different for a married patient. They are also different when there is a disabled/dependent adult. I strongly recommend consulting the best attorney you can find.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

UGH!  And now TD's mom is in the hospital, possibly septic.  She went to the ER last night in an ambulance.  He'd be up there now, other than needing to get across that pesky border.  He's much closer to his mom, so this is worse than his dad.

[buystoys]

So sorry to hear the bad news, Mich.  Prayers that TD can get there for a visit soon.

[stillmovingforward]

Im sorry to hear that! Being a citizen of Canada with two very sick parents, can he cross with a humanitarian exception?

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Jan 28, 2021 15:46:36 GMT -5 stillmovingforward said:

Im sorry to hear that! Being a citizen of Canada with two very sick parents, can he cross with a humanitarian exception?

Probably, but he'd have to quarantine.  One parent is in BC and the other Alberta - and apparently you have to quarantine for 2 weeks between provinces too.  His sister (who lives in BC) quarantined so she could see her dad this past fall.  

I don't know if a COVID test would get him off the hook of not quarantining.  I don't think so.

[stillmovingforward]

Sounds like he should pick his favorite, mom, and go see her if he's going to go. If I recall, he's not been excited to see his father anyway.

[TheOtherMe]

giramomma   Grief counselors were available for us as the process went along.  Before they would let us join a grief group (virtual at present) they want a person to wait 6 months since the death of the loved one.

One woman in mine blamed the oncologist.  She kept saying they never told her that her husband was dying.  She was enraged.  Finally the leader told her an oncologist would have discussed that her husband was dying.  Two other women who had lost husbands to cancer were saying the same thing to her.  

The group I attended was a strange mix.  3 lost husbands to cancer, 3 lost children to suicide and I had lost my mother.  About half way through, I couldn't bring myself to go there and listen to their despair any more.

I was offered individual grief counseling and did make use of that.

I am so sorry.  On the financial side, somehow you need to make sure your mother's will, POA, etc are current or if they need updating.  I don't know if your mother will let you, but dad had me make all the phone calls.  He was aware enough to know that he needed to change the beneficiary on his work life insurance and IRAs.  IRA was local so that was easy.  Life insurance took a while because it had to be done by mail.

Hugs and more hugs  

[TheOtherMe]

Mich, sorry to hear about TD's mom.  It's my understanding the 14 day quarantine is a hard and fast rule.  Check for compassionate reasons to enter.  Yes, there is a 14 day quarantine between provinces.  

My sister could go as the grandmother under the compassionate rules but she doesn't want to stay 14 days in total and she couldn't see the grandbaby while in quarantine so she won't go.  Nephew said they changed to allow compassionate entry but I don't know all the rules.

[finnime]

I'm so sorry, The Walk of the Penguin Mich.

[countrygirl2]

I have an excellent attorney but didn't when mom had issues, but it was over 20 years ago and was not that hard to take care of. Lots of things are different now. For our DD we have a special needs trust and all the bells and whistles. But it still won't protect her from where she will have to live. Only so much you can do from the grave. She could live in assisted living with help from VA as her dad is a vet, but if VA helps with her living expenses she cannot stay on medicaid, she would only have medicare and part B. She would have to buy a supplement and ins coverage, noone would sell it to her.

Our attorneys are elder care specialists, we have our wills, POA's and DNR's orders all done. We are going to revise it, as half is left to DD and it will never get used for what she needs, it will get sucked dry. Told hubs, let's leave her a 1/4, grandson a 1/4, and son and wife half. We have it here to review and change but either of us can do it if something happens to the other. That is what I plan to do. Hubs kind of wants it half and half. I told him the state will just suck it up. One of our reps in Texas said his wife administered estates and no matter how well written or the intent, the state would suck it dry and the kids never got what the parents intended for them to have. Or relatives that administer it does the same or some attorney.

[giramomma]

I'm sorry to hear about TD's mom, Mich.

Dad's got the death rattle. I'm SO thankful his decline is going this quick.

I also realized I don't need a fingerprint. I can get a locket, and we've got a few nice pictures from when DS and DD1 were babies.  Or I can get a photo engraved on something through etsy. That will be enough.