Aging Parent Support Thread

[lurkyloo]

Thanks all!  It helps.  Still having trouble unwinding...I’m thinking I should’ve stolen some of Dad’s pot!

[buystoys]

lurkyloo, you can't be responsible for what another adult does.  Especially if he doesn't want to take any control of his own life.  You can only do what you can do.  Make that your mantra.  Write it on a sticky note and post it on your mirror so you see it every day.  Hugs for all you are going through.

[taz157]

Dec 4, 2020 16:59:51 GMT -5 buystoys said:

lurkyloo, you can't be responsible for what another adult does.  Especially if he doesn't want to take any control of his own life.  You can only do what you can do.  Make that your mantra.  Write it on a sticky note and post it on your mirror so you see it every day.  Hugs for all you are going through.

Yeah that! ((((Hugs))))

[Wisconsin Beth]

Lots of hugs Lurkyloo.  

[lurkyloo]

Thanks all!  To clarify, today’s angst is whether I was too harsh on the care agency for charging me for 35 hours when I’d authorized 12 ($840 instead of $288).  They were mad I didn’t give them more time to figure things out, I was mad because it didn’t seem like they were taking it seriously. Also I hate conflict.
With Dad I’m mostly just trying to make sure the basics are provided.  Doing a little better at not taking responsibility for everything... but I really should either make an appt with the psychiatrist or find a recreational equivalent.  

[Deleted]

Dec 4, 2020 18:35:43 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Thanks all!  To clarify, today’s angst is whether I was too harsh on the care agency for charging me for 35 hours when I’d authorized 12 ($840 instead of $288).  They were mad I didn’t give them more time to figure things out, I was mad because it didn’t seem like they were taking it seriously. Also I hate conflict.
With Dad I’m mostly just trying to make sure the basics are provided.  Doing a little better at not taking responsibility for everything... but I really should either make an appt with the psychiatrist or find a recreational equivalent.  

You just stop that right this instant, missy! You were not too harsh, dammit. You authorized what you authorized. They were mad? They were what? How dare they try to make you feel like it was your fault!

You hate conflict. Yup. They recognized that you hate conflict and did a dandy job of dumping on you because they knew you wouldn't fight back. Quit letting them push you around! This is a case of the customer is right, and they were wrong, wrong, wrong. They owe you an apology and a helluva discount for effing up as badly as they did. Stand up for yourself (and your pocketbook). There's a whole lotta difference between $840 and $288. Like a $552 difference, and that's not pocket change.

[lurkyloo]

Dec 4, 2020 21:40:11 GMT -5 @missrigby said:

Dec 4, 2020 18:35:43 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Thanks all!  To clarify, today’s angst is whether I was too harsh on the care agency for charging me for 35 hours when I’d authorized 12 ($840 instead of $288).  They were mad I didn’t give them more time to figure things out, I was mad because it didn’t seem like they were taking it seriously. Also I hate conflict.
With Dad I’m mostly just trying to make sure the basics are provided.  Doing a little better at not taking responsibility for everything... but I really should either make an appt with the psychiatrist or find a recreational equivalent.  

You just stop that right this instant, missy! You were not too harsh, dammit. You authorized what you authorized. They were mad? They were what? How dare they try to make you feel like it was your fault!

You hate conflict. Yup. They recognized that you hate conflict and did a dandy job of dumping on you because they knew you wouldn't fight back. Quit letting them push you around! This is a case of the customer is right, and they were wrong, wrong, wrong. They owe you an apology and a helluva discount for effing up as badly as they did. Stand up for yourself (and your pocketbook). There's a whole lotta difference between $840 and $288. Like a $552 difference, and that's not pocket change.

Yes ma’am!  
This is the caregiver’s fault, much more than the case manager’s, and I do think the latter is trying to address it...but I’m still a little skeptical about how seriously she was taking it before I left the review.  Not sure she appreciated exactly how ethically questionable it was before.  She does now.  For my part, I didn’t realize leaving a non-positive review was the nuclear option.  Guess we both learned something.

[Wisconsin Beth]

It shouldn't be.  It should be an honest attempt at resolving issues.  And it's ok to want something resolved promptly.  

[lurkyloo]

Apparently my brother is flying down to FL because he needs to have a doctor declare Dad financially unable.  Any suggestions or experience to share?  I’ve written up a timeline of recent events with salient points underlined for skimming, and will forward supporting documents (bills I’ve paid) too. 

I’m a bit confused bc the POA says it is active but the lawyer said we needed the doctor to certify.  I presume the lawyer who wrote it knows what he is talking about...

Also, I delegated calling the aide to my mother.  She reached Dad he instead on Friday, he said the aide was coming the next day.  No answer from either on Saturday.  I’m glad I wasn’t the one trying to reach her, but didn’t expect it to be so hard.  Dad also said she made him stew with meat. The only meat I sent was pork chops and filet mignon    I really hope he meant shrimp or salmon...

[lurkyloo]

Agency called today.  They are willing to credit back 18 hours if I take down the review. In theory I’m okay with that but I don’t actually know if I can take down a google review without a google account.  Open to any suggestions that don’t start with first, get a google account!

Apparently Dad didn’t open the door for the aide on Saturday.  I should probably go ahead and call the appropriate department.  The logistics of getting an electronic lock installed would be pretty gnarly unless my brother can do it while there. Dunno if Dad would agree anyway.

I wrote up a summary of the last couple of months and forwarded it. Feeling pretty fried. 

[NoNamePerson]

Dec 7, 2020 17:37:57 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Agency called today.  They are willing to credit back 18 hours if I take down the review. In theory I’m okay with that but I don’t actually know if I can take down a google review without a google account.  Open to any suggestions that don’t start with first, get a google account!

Apparently Dad didn’t open the door for the aide on Saturday.  I should probably go ahead and call the appropriate department.  The logistics of getting an electronic lock installed would be pretty gnarly unless my brother can do it while there. Dunno if Dad would agree anyway.

I wrote up a summary of the last couple of months and forwarded it. Feeling pretty fried. 

See if you have option of editing review. Maybe there is a delete option? I’ve gone back and edited but never deleted a review. I would think if you posted review without google acct you could go back and edit/delete without google acct. I’m just thinking out loud. 

Off to find my review to see If there is a delete option now  My one and only review

[lurkyloo]

You can edit and delete if it’s associated with your google account.  Even if I made one (which I really don’t want to do!) I suspect it wouldn’t recognize the review as mine.  I trawled through the community message boards last night and noted that besides the total lack of ability to edit without an account, they don’t provide live support to anyone on their free services. So I emailed to ask if the business could take care of it on their end...I think they pay for the service so there’s an outside chance they can reach someone. Still feeling guilty for giving in to temptation.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Dec 7, 2020 17:37:57 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Agency called today.  They are willing to credit back 18 hours if I take down the review. In theory I’m okay with that but I don’t actually know if I can take down a google review without a google account.  Open to any suggestions that don’t start with first, get a google account!

Apparently Dad didn’t open the door for the aide on Saturday.  I should probably go ahead and call the appropriate department.  The logistics of getting an electronic lock installed would be pretty gnarly unless my brother can do it while there. Dunno if Dad would agree anyway.

I wrote up a summary of the last couple of months and forwarded it. Feeling pretty fried. 

What the frick?  They should credit back the hours PERIOD because she was contracted for X and she overstayed without your authorization.  Asking you to take down the review or they will keep your money is black mail pure and simple.

I do get though why you don't want the headache.  Is there any way your brother now that he is down there can look at another service?   This one sounds shady as shit and no way would they be getting another dime of anyone's money on my watch.

And then I would write ANOTHER bad review about how they black mail their customers!

[lurkyloo]

Dec 8, 2020 12:05:33 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Dec 7, 2020 17:37:57 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Agency called today.  They are willing to credit back 18 hours if I take down the review. In theory I’m okay with that but I don’t actually know if I can take down a google review without a google account.  Open to any suggestions that don’t start with first, get a google account!

Apparently Dad didn’t open the door for the aide on Saturday.  I should probably go ahead and call the appropriate department.  The logistics of getting an electronic lock installed would be pretty gnarly unless my brother can do it while there. Dunno if Dad would agree anyway.

I wrote up a summary of the last couple of months and forwarded it. Feeling pretty fried. 

What the frick?  They should credit back the hours PERIOD because she was contracted for X and she overstayed without your authorization.  Asking you to take down the review or they will keep your money is black mail pure and simple.

I do get though why you don't want the headache.  Is there any way your brother now that he is down there can look at another service?   This one sounds shady as shit and no way would they be getting another dime of anyone's money on my watch.

And then I would write ANOTHER bad review about how they black mail their customers!

Well, the review was about getting overcharged and they are fixing that.  So it’s entirely fair to clarify that.  I don’t love how they handled it, but I did approve extra hours the first week and I can see how they didn’t realize that was not a permanent situation.  And they responded within a week (the approving person was out sick several days or it likely would have been faster).  I think they have too many layers-I talk to the case manager, who talks to the scheduler, who talks to the aide.  But, the last thing I want to do is have to micromanage the aide on top of my own barely-contained mess of a life.  It’s a tradeoff.

I don’t like leaving nasty reviews, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.  So that’s more about me than them.

Apart from the billing problem, they have been pretty good.  They got someone out there the day after I called them, and they’ve accomodated schedule changes as requested. The aide cleaned out a fridge that had been through a three week power outage.  Anyone who deals with a fridge full of maggots gets some extra leeway in my book.     The first agency already fired Dad as a client because he basically smokes pot inside all day. And honestly...dealing with Dad kind of sucks right now. 

If another family member wants to step up and make other arrangements I won’t stand in their way!  But this is what I can do from a distance. We could look for someone privately, but with no local oversight and a vulnerable senior that seems pretty dicey.

I appreciate the opinion 

[jerseygirl]

I had an agency for my mom in evening and afternoons for a while before I found a permanent aide
The agency sent different aides every time and all were lazy
My disabled sister was in ICU at the time and I needed to interpret for her and mom was home from surgery and mostly in bed
The aides didn’t even ask if my mom wanted a cup of tea and basically watched tv. I really couldn’t cope with them at that time
Just told agency I needed someone there to help mom didn’t ask for cleaning. I thought the aides would at least make a meal or snacks for mom., change sheets maybe wash her linens and pjs. She wasn’t feeling well and didn’t complain or ask for anything but really the side thought I just wanted someone to sit in the house?
The agency was recommended by social worker at hospital

So your dad’s aide actually did work!

[lurkyloo]

Yes!  She works, sounds like pretty hard.  To the best of my knowledge she doesn’t steal or mistreat Dad, and that sounds flip but he isn’t able to self report    I would really prefer to hold off on assisted living until the vaccine is available...and it’ll be a big fight because no AL place is going to put up with his pot smoking or other foibles. Still.  You abuse your independence, you wind up losing it. 

[jerseygirl]

Dec 8, 2020 16:58:22 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Yes!  She works, sounds like pretty hard.  To the best of my knowledge she doesn’t steal or mistreat Dad, and that sounds flip but he isn’t able to self report    I would really prefer to hold off on assisted living until the vaccine is available...and it’ll be a big fight because no AL place is going to put up with his pot smoking or other foibles. Still.  You abuse your independence, you wind up losing it. 

So seems like this aide will be good for your dad (And you) now that boundaries have been set. Glad that you have time to think about what aide is to do along with remote grocery shopping. I had a lock box put on sister’s front door so aide it emergency people could get in. It was part of the ‘medi alert’ system I got for my sister after mom died. When sister came home from hospital, she wanted to go back to live in her condo, 6 miles from my house. Aide came during day to fix meals, laundry help get her dresses, etc But she was Aline at night other than face time every day with me at 8:00. She understood the medi alert was for emergencies. But one night the cable tv went out and she pressed the alert! Well I was called as well as EMTs and police. Funny but I did get her to understand what TYPE of emergency. Got a wonderful live in after that. I still had lots of time needed for her care, doctor visits, taking her to deaf club visits etc Lots of paperwork also for Medicaid, social services etc
But we were blessed with a kind hard working aide . Think she allowed my sister to live another 2 years!
She is Russian and spoke little English but did speak Italian. With my Latin and French from high school I realized I could understand much of what she was saying. A translation app helped. She did also pick up some sign language to communicate with sister. She stayed with sister for 6 years and I am so grateful to have found her
I am wishing you can find someone who will help your dad and you.
I always wanted to give my sister the best possible life she could have snd am so thankful I had the money to pay the aide and not need to put sister in facility. When sister was little, doctors advised our parents to put her in an institution. But they kept her at home to give her a happy life.

[lurkyloo]

Ya, okay, Drama’s right.  They’re trying to focus on the review as the problem and I’m done with it.  Guess I’ll start calling other agencies tomorrow and see if anyone else is willing to take care of a pot smoking 80 yo with the beginnings of dementia.

[buystoys]

Sorry to hear that, lurkyloo.  I had hoped you would get some positive movement and care for your dad.

[lurkyloo]

Called another care agency today and they’ll get back to me on whether they have anyone.  During the call the first place called me.  I think communication ought to be by email with them from now on...I feel like I’m getting gaslit on the phone and have no wish to be scolded or guilted again.

The email I sent last night detailed concerns, but after finding it hard to sleep last night I decided I had no time or energy left to deal with this.  So this morning I emailed that the review should stand and if they chose not to make amends for their major oversight so be it-but any online reply to the review would need to reflect their contingency.

Still feeling guilty but they don’t need to know that.

Did I mention I hate confrontation?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Dec 10, 2020 10:19:28 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Called another care agency today and they’ll get back to me on whether they have anyone.  During the call the first place called me.  I think communication ought to be by email with them from now on...I feel like I’m getting gaslit on the phone and have no wish to be scolded or guilted again.

The email I sent last night detailed concerns, but after finding it hard to sleep last night I decided I had no time or energy left to deal with this.  So this morning I emailed that the review should stand and if they chose not to make amends for their major oversight so be it-but any online reply to the review would need to reflect their contingency.

Still feeling guilty but they don’t need to know that.

Did I mention I hate confrontation?

I could use a good confrontation right now to release steam. Want me to get my 2x4?

Sorry you are dealing with it. It enrages me that people who are supposed to care for our most vulnerable behave like this. They are taking advantage of people knowing you won't have many options for fighting back.

One of the few things I agree with the currenr administration on is more oversight is needed in elder care.

[lurkyloo]

Dec 10, 2020 10:54:40 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Dec 10, 2020 10:19:28 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Called another care agency today and they’ll get back to me on whether they have anyone.  During the call the first place called me.  I think communication ought to be by email with them from now on...I feel like I’m getting gaslit on the phone and have no wish to be scolded or guilted again.

The email I sent last night detailed concerns, but after finding it hard to sleep last night I decided I had no time or energy left to deal with this.  So this morning I emailed that the review should stand and if they chose not to make amends for their major oversight so be it-but any online reply to the review would need to reflect their contingency.

Still feeling guilty but they don’t need to know that.

Did I mention I hate confrontation?

I could use a good confrontation right now to release steam. Want me to get my 2x4?

Sorry you are dealing with it. It enrages me that people who are supposed to care for our most vulnerable behave like this. They are taking advantage of people knowing you won't have many options for fighting back.

One of the few things I agree with the currenr administration on is more oversight is needed in elder care.

Yes please!  I’m out of righteous anger but her trying to guilt me into leaving a five star review with no mention of the problem just makes me unwilling to expend any more energy.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Dec 10, 2020 11:47:49 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Dec 10, 2020 10:54:40 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I could use a good confrontation right now to release steam. Want me to get my 2x4?

Sorry you are dealing with it. It enrages me that people who are supposed to care for our most vulnerable behave like this. They are taking advantage of people knowing you won't have many options for fighting back.

One of the few things I agree with the currenr administration on is more oversight is needed in elder care.

Yes please!  I’m out of righteous anger but her trying to guilt me into leaving a five star review with no mention of the problem just makes me unwilling to expend any more energy.

Wow that's some serious balls on her. Wonder how many other people they have bullied into silence. As I get older I've come to.the conclusion reviews aren't worth the pixels they are generated from.

[skeeter]

lurkyloo, I hope you stand your ground and don't let that b**** make you feel guilty or bad about your review.  That place doesn't even deserve a 1 star rating let alone a 5 !!

[Deleted]

lurkyloo Should we reserve the EE freezer?

[lurkyloo]

I got an email from Amex that the refund came through.  Feeling kind of flat.  But also very thankful for the reality check and support on this thread 
I have my suspicions about whether the crusade about the review actually came from management or from the case manager.  She was super lackadaisical about everything up till then but I think she really got in trouble over it.  I...don’t want to get people in trouble? But her response to the situation was basically sweep it under the rug and charge me triple and act confused about why I would be upset? 

Anyway.  I do think the root problem is a bad fit with the aide, but it would be nice to have some leeway time-wise in finding the next one.  Also, firing someone right before the holidays is pretty crappy. We’ll see if the new agency gets back to me.

[TheOtherMe]

Is your brother there now?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Dec 10, 2020 19:40:47 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

I got an email from Amex that the refund came through.  Feeling kind of flat.  But also very thankful for the reality check and support on this thread 
I have my suspicions about whether the crusade about the review actually came from management or from the case manager.  She was super lackadaisical about everything up till then but I think she really got in trouble over it.  I...don’t want to get people in trouble? But her response to the situation was basically sweep it under the rug and charge me triple and act confused about why I would be upset? 

Anyway.  I do think the root problem is a bad fit with the aide, but it would be nice to have some leeway time-wise in finding the next one.  Also, firing someone right before the holidays is pretty crappy. We’ll see if the new agency gets back to me.

Taking advantage of customers is pretty crappy. Padding her bill is crappy. Blackmailing customers rather than promptly refunding money is crappy.

She and the company got what they deserved. Stop feeling guilty it doesn't make them any less crappy people AND it just encourages them to keep being crappy.

Even if it was the case worker what kind of shit ass company has no oversight? Management should be on that like white on rice. That's a shitty company that does not monitor their own contracts and billing.

I'm projecting a bit here so I'm not loosing my venom on you personally if it feels that way. I just hate to see you feel bad about something you are 100% in right about. Who knows how many other customers they've done this to. You should be proud of asserting yourself.

[lurkyloo]

Dec 10, 2020 20:29:02 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Dec 10, 2020 19:40:47 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

I got an email from Amex that the refund came through.  Feeling kind of flat.  But also very thankful for the reality check and support on this thread 
I have my suspicions about whether the crusade about the review actually came from management or from the case manager.  She was super lackadaisical about everything up till then but I think she really got in trouble over it.  I...don’t want to get people in trouble? But her response to the situation was basically sweep it under the rug and charge me triple and act confused about why I would be upset? 

Anyway.  I do think the root problem is a bad fit with the aide, but it would be nice to have some leeway time-wise in finding the next one.  Also, firing someone right before the holidays is pretty crappy. We’ll see if the new agency gets back to me.

Taking advantage of customers is pretty crappy. Padding her bill is crappy. Blackmailing customers rather than promptly refunding money is crappy.

She and the company got what they deserved. Stop feeling guilty it doesn't make them any less crappy people AND it just encourages them to keep being crappy.

Even if it was the case worker what kind of shit ass company has no oversight? Management should be on that like white on rice. That's a shitty company that does not monitor their own contracts and billing.

I'm projecting a bit here so I'm not loosing my venom on you personally if it feels that way. I just hate to see you feel bad about something you are 100% in right about. Who knows how many other customers they've done this to. You should be proud of asserting yourself.

Specifically I’d prefer not to fire the aide before Christmas. I feel like she’s trying pretty hard, for all her spectacularly bad judgement. Also, privilege guilt means I try not to actively sh!t on people who are working thankless jobs I don’t want to do.
Don’t much care about the case manager at this point.  I’m happy with the outcome, but it makes me sad that she was so bitchy about handling things.  I’m working on not taking responsibility for everything, honest.

@theotherme I don’t think so?  I don’t know what the schedule is.  

ETA:  my mother says he’s driving down on Saturday. It’s at least a two day drive, so maybe Sunday night arrival.  And apparently he’s willing to take care of the lock. That’d be a load off my mind.    

[skeeter]

Based on my own experience, I'm a little surprised this agency even cared about your review hurting their rating.

I've only given two bad reviews in my life and neither one showed up on the providers' websites. One was for an online purchase and one for a physician. The doctor's rating was 5 star when I went and continues to be 5 star to this day.

Briefly, it was an Orthopedic Clinic with 5 or 6 physicians on staff.  The waiting room was huge, but filled to capacity (pre Covid) with patients.  The majority of people there were post surgery check ups, some having just had major surgery. The wait time for everyone was utterly ridiculous.  I had to wait 4 hours for my appointment, which luckily was only for a consultation.  A lady sitting across from me had a longer wait then I did and she had tears running down her face from the pain she was in.  She had taken her pain med before leaving home and it had worn off.  She just had major shoulder surgery 10 days prior.

When it was finally my turn, I was greeted by a condescending, arrogant, A-Hole who said I had to wait so long because he was so good and worth the wait.  To top it off, he gave me a Cortisone Injection in the wrong knee.

Needless to say I never went back and I did leave a 1 star rating with the reasons listed on his website and it never showed up in the reviews.