Aging Parent Support Thread

[lurkyloo]

Argh.  So.  Today I spent twenty minutes on the phone with the aide, figuring out grocery order and discussing relevant things, like the fact that she’d washed all his bedding, etc. Later I got a call that Dads sink was backed up and leaking, so I spent more should-have-been-working time calling around trying to find a plumber.  

Tonight I got a text from Dad requesting a less bossy aide   I texted him the number of his case manager and told him to take it up with her.

[buystoys]

My mom and dad were so picky about their aides that the company dropped them.  My sister had to quit her job in order to care for them.  Mom doesn't seem to care.  It's a tough row to hoe.

[lurkyloo]

Nov 17, 2020 8:04:33 GMT -5 buystoys said:

My mom and dad were so picky about their aides that the company dropped them.  My sister had to quit her job in order to care for them.  Mom doesn't seem to care.  It's a tough row to hoe.

Ya, I’m not quitting my job.     He’s already been fired by one agency bc of the smoke stink.  I’ll probably send the aide a carefully worded text noting that he feels a bit railroaded and that we do generally try to respect his wishes as long as they’re not overtly dangerous...but the cross section between “competent” and “willing to put up with him” is not that large.  If he can’t work it out with her I really am going to just call adult protective services and let them figure it out.

I don’t think he even sees me as a person these days, just a convenient dumping ground for his problems.  Prolonged power outage, unpaid HOA to the point of a lien, maggots in the fridge  these are emergent problems. Frustration with the aide, he can deal with himself.

[Deleted]

lurkyloo The only thing I can provide is 

Please, God, don't let me get like that. Please.

[lurkyloo]

The good news is, it gives me perspective to be thankful my in laws checked themselves into assisted living a month or two ago.  Even if I do snicker at MIL, who was classified by the place as the tier requiring the least support, and promptly threw a fit insisting she required the MOST support.  (It’s very, very in-character for MIL...)

ETA:  Inlaws had a remarkable number of disgruntled aides who quit on not the best terms.  Although I suppose if you know MIL it’s not that remarkable   

[lurkyloo]

I guess he did call the agency, who called me to confirm   They don’t have anyone else willing to go in there (not sure at this point how much of the stink is from the fridge and how much is from the smoke).  Texted Dad that his choices were to work it out with her or to have me cancel everything including his electricity and turn him over to APS.  Either way I’m going to have to send her a significant Christmas bonus.

I’ve considered buying him a new fridge to fix some of the stink (aide scrubbed everything she could but said there was something that’d dripped down into an area she couldn’t reach) but I just don’t feel like taking on the responsibility.  

[saveinla]

lurkyloo - Have you tried asking her to put some activated charcoal in there? That sometimes help with the odors, although I am not sure if it will work for this.

I also had the arm & hammer baking soda fridge odor absorber at one time and it worked well.

[lurkyloo]

Nov 19, 2020 13:50:07 GMT -5 saveinla said:

lurkyloo - Have you tried asking her to put some activated charcoal in there? That sometimes help with the odors, although I am not sure if it will work for this.

I also had the arm & hammer baking soda fridge odor absorber at one time and it worked well.

I sent two boxes of arm & hammer a week ago.  Problem is, a three week power outage and bug infestation apparently leads to rotting stuff dripping into unreachable spaces.  Not sure that you can adequately address the odor without cleaning out the rotten stuff.  Might try ordering charcoal anyway.

Dad’s smoked the better part of 65 years (started at 15) so he has basically no sense of smell left.  He’s also going to keep smoking pot and tobacco in the condo.  I am not really motivated to rush in and fix this for him, especially since the “upside” would be him possibly getting to fire his aide (who is working really hard!) so I’d have to break in a new one.

[snapdragon]

"I just don’t feel like taking on the responsibility. "

Good for you lurkyloo on attempting to deal with this. But even better that you are putting responsibility back on who it belongs to your Dad. You can't keep it up and it would be better for you mentally to know that now instead of down the road when it would have to occur anyway. Getting APS notified will jump start the process and take the burden off your shoulders. Not that this is easy in any way but it will be better for you in the long run.

Sending Hugs.

[countrygirl2]

Good luck with APS, we never had any luck with them. Maybe better in  your state.

[Bonny]

Nov 25, 2020 22:08:30 GMT -5 countrygirl2 said:

Good luck with APS, we never had any luck with them. Maybe better in  your state.

Pat,
Could you share your experience with APS? We are considering notifying them about MIL. She got fired from an other doctor because of her abusive behavior. But of course we are concerned about being retaliated upon and her getting even more paranoid.

Her sister, who stayed with her for a month, and who is a former social worker, thinks she'll pass their test.

[countrygirl2]

I never could get them to do anything. I had the aunt of hubs and his mom. The aunt was accusing a neighbor guy of stealing from her. Things like pots and pans, claiming he sh** on her floor and waded up toilet paper on her bar. She was constantly calling the sheriffs office. His mom was losing everything, not eating right, driving neighbors crazy. At one time after property tax people said she was carrying hug sums of money and they were worried. They said she was pulling out a huge wad of money to pay her taxes. I found she was carrying around $7000 in her purse. Her doctor evaluated her and found her to have dementia. They would do nothing to help me. They weren't eating right. I guess because they had relatives they would do nothing, I don't know. 

[Wisconsin Beth]

My Dad was over with a bunch of family this weekend - someone stuck him with organizing the workbench!  lol.  It was the perfect job for Dad.  He could putz around and complain about DH and me and we couldn't hear him and no one who could was/is going to share anyway.  And he found the recliner in the basement so he could rest when he wanted to.     And my BIL who was fixing things for me could actually find stuff on the workbench after Dad was thru.  

[lurkyloo]

Taking today off bc PTO to burn and I’m out of productive work things to do at home.  A chunk of it went to Dad, of course.  He texted Friday that he didn’t want the health aide there before 3 pm.  I emailed the agency, but the scheduler was out until this morning.  Heard from her around noon that the aide was rescheduled to 3-7 pm...meanwhile I’d previously scheduled the power company and a grocery delivery for the 1-3 pm time range since I’d expected the aide there then 

I’m generally annoyed bc I looked at my credit card statement and the aide has been padding her hours like whoa.  I approved 12 hours a week.  She was there extra the first week, which is totally understandable since the place was in an awful state.  But it sounds like she added another day and was staying 6-7 hours instead of 4...the scheduler said the aide said Dad had asked her to do extra?  Which is weird to me since he apparently didn’t like her?  Agency called me last week when they realized how much time she was spending there unauthorized and I think that’s fixed now.  I do think I’m going to save the records and get reimbursed though.

As a bonus, the condo HOA called to see if I could explain to him that he’s not actually allowed to swim in the pool at 3 am    I suggested they go ahead with their letter but take it over in person since I never know whether he actually reads my texts.

[stillmovingforward]

I'm sorry Lurkyloo!
Your post also made me laugh though. I'll need to watch myself when I get older. I wouldn't swim in a pool that late simply because I don't swim. But I'm notorious in my neighborhood for walking the dogs between 11pm and 4am. I mean, I can't sleep and no cars are out.....? A condo association would not like me.

[TheOtherMe]

I'm sorry also and it does sound like the aide is padding hours.

I did laugh about your dad  wanting to swim at 3 AM and that being a problem for the HOA.  

Yes, let the HOA deal with it if they can.  It doesn't sound like your dad will listen to you.

[lurkyloo]

Eh, it is kind of funny, especially if you have enough distance to appreciate the joke    I’m less invested now than I was...I just kind of have ptsd about trying to set up anything that hinges on Dad answering the door at a specific time because that way lies madness. It does seem like he’s doing a little better than he was, between the weather and having someone else do his adulting for him.

[TheOtherMe]

Some of the things my dad the last few years of his life, while maddening at the time, do seem a bit humorous now.

I also hope I end up like my mother at the end of her life and not like my dad.  

[jerseygirl]

I wanted to be an eccentric old person, wearing weird clothes and doing odd but fun activities like swimming at 3 am. But now that I’m old I realized I’m just a conservative person
Guess I’ll only be eccentric if I have Alzheimer’s - and don’t want that cause I wouldn’t even know enough to enjoy eccentricity

[bean29]

Nov 19, 2020 15:44:13 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Nov 19, 2020 13:50:07 GMT -5 saveinla said:

lurkyloo - Have you tried asking her to put some activated charcoal in there? That sometimes help with the odors, although I am not sure if it will work for this.

I also had the arm & hammer baking soda fridge odor absorber at one time and it worked well.

I sent two boxes of arm & hammer a week ago.  Problem is, a three week power outage and bug infestation apparently leads to rotting stuff dripping into unreachable spaces.  Not sure that you can adequately address the odor without cleaning out the rotten stuff.  Might try ordering charcoal anyway.

Dad’s smoked the better part of 65 years (started at 15) so he has basically no sense of smell left.  He’s also going to keep smoking pot and tobacco in the condo.  I am not really motivated to rush in and fix this for him, especially since the “upside” would be him possibly getting to fire his aide (who is working really hard!) so I’d have to break in a new one.

Does he have Homeowner's or Condo insurance?  A three week power interruption might have some sort of coverage in the policy to cover food spoilage/replacement of the refrigerator due to the food spoilage?  Sorry - I missed the original convo about this - so it may have been discussed already.

[lurkyloo]

Dec 1, 2020 11:04:47 GMT -5 bean29 said:

Nov 19, 2020 15:44:13 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

I sent two boxes of arm & hammer a week ago.  Problem is, a three week power outage and bug infestation apparently leads to rotting stuff dripping into unreachable spaces.  Not sure that you can adequately address the odor without cleaning out the rotten stuff.  Might try ordering charcoal anyway.

Dad’s smoked the better part of 65 years (started at 15) so he has basically no sense of smell left.  He’s also going to keep smoking pot and tobacco in the condo.  I am not really motivated to rush in and fix this for him, especially since the “upside” would be him possibly getting to fire his aide (who is working really hard!) so I’d have to break in a new one.

Does he have Homeowner's or Condo insurance?  A three week power interruption might have some sort of coverage in the policy to cover food spoilage/replacement of the refrigerator due to the food spoilage?  Sorry - I missed the original convo about this - so it may have been discussed already.

I imagine he probably does (although whether he’s been paying the premiums is another question, good chance it’s lapsed).  But the power outage was his own fault bc he stopped paying the power bill, and also I’m not sure it’s worth my energy to try to dig it out and make a claim...the food was just condiments and whatever since he’d been gone several months, and the refrigerator is pretty old so not worth much.     Mostly I don’t want to wind up responsible for his insurance bill too.

I did email the care agency requesting a statement for the month and noting I was not okay with paying for more than double the agreed upon hours.  Will update when I hear back.  I hope I’m reading it wrong but it looks like she might have billed 30 hours the second week when she was authorized for 12    

[bookkeeper]

In my mind, I see the aid kicking back with dad and smoking the afternoon away for the other 18 hrs a week.  Nice work if you can get it!

[lurkyloo]

So, update.  They confirmed Wednesday that she had charged 35 hours, basically shrugged and when I continued to complain the case manager said she’d have the caregiver’s manager get in touch with me. Didn’t hear from her Wed or Thurs and I’m afraid I gave in to temptation and filled out a review (been getting weekly emails about reviewing the company.). Relatively brief and factual-two stars, got charged for 35 when I agreed to 12, aide said my deaf/unable to manage their own finances parent approved it.  So, the good news is they monitor their reviews.  The bad news is case manager got reamed out and called me to pass it on and complain that she hadn’t had time to fix it.  Fair, but I was getting a strong vibe of “not our problem why are you upset” from the initial conversation and the contract I signed bears no real resemblance to their business practices...number of aspects, but specifically it states that client has sole responsibility for negotiating hours but then I got tsk-tsk’d at for talking with her about hours at all. 

Kinda sucks all round...but honestly this encounter has made me think we really need to pursue a conservatorship for Dad. And I think they should be horrified that hiring their caregiver is the catalyst for that.

Anyway.  I suggested that I thought it would be fair for them to temporarily drop their minimum hours requirement to 10 from 12 ( 12 is really more than Dad needs) for several weeks to make up the difference.  I’m not comfortable with the idea of not paying someone for their work, but I don’t like being taken advantage of either.  That’s the fairest compromise I can come up with...although truthfully I really want a different aide.  I can appreciate that the options are limited with the constant pot and tobacco smoke though.  

How did I even get into this mess?

[lurkyloo]

Ugh.  Have kind of a sick feeling from being the squeaky wheel.  I hate conflict.  Guess I come by that honestly...doesn’t seem fair Dad gets to duck that so it lands on me.  My mother in contrast would’ve gone scorched-earth and then we’d have a burned bridge and have to start over.  Could someone pat me on the head and tell me it’s okay?   

[mollyanna58]

Dec 4, 2020 13:36:43 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Ugh.  Have kind of a sick feeling from being the squeaky wheel.  I hate conflict.  Guess I come by that honestly...doesn’t seem fair Dad gets to duck that so it lands on me.  My mother in contrast would’ve gone scorched-earth and then we’d have a burned bridge and have to start over.  Could someone pat me on the head and tell me it’s okay?   

Pat..pat..pat; it's OK.  In fact,   for putting up with all this.

[anciana]

Dec 4, 2020 13:36:43 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Ugh.  Have kind of a sick feeling from being the squeaky wheel.  I hate conflict.  Guess I come by that honestly...doesn’t seem fair Dad gets to duck that so it lands on me.  My mother in contrast would’ve gone scorched-earth and then we’d have a burned bridge and have to start over.  Could someone pat me on the head and tell me it’s okay?   

I am probably not the best one to give you an assessment here but I'd say you're doing well walking the middle path between scorched-earth and being a doormat. You are also being a good daughter and a responsible adult in a sucky situation. 

[lurkyloo]

Dec 4, 2020 14:08:53 GMT -5 mollyanna58 said:

Dec 4, 2020 13:36:43 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Ugh.  Have kind of a sick feeling from being the squeaky wheel.  I hate conflict.  Guess I come by that honestly...doesn’t seem fair Dad gets to duck that so it lands on me.  My mother in contrast would’ve gone scorched-earth and then we’d have a burned bridge and have to start over.  Could someone pat me on the head and tell me it’s okay?   

Pat..pat..pat; it's OK.  In fact,   for putting up with all this.

Thank you!  

[finnime]

You're doing good, lurkyloo.    For all you do, this bud's for you.

[TheOtherMe]

lurkyloo

You are doing the best you can.  That is all you can do.

[bookkeeper]

That's right, at the end of the day:

ALL YOU COULD DO WAS ALL YOU COULD DO.

Repeat as many times as necessary.