Aging Parent Support Thread

[lurkyloo]

Dec 11, 2020 10:24:00 GMT -5 skeeter said:

Based on my own experience, I'm a little surprised this agency even cared about your review hurting their rating.

I've only given two bad reviews in my life and neither one showed up on the providers' websites. One was for an online purchase and one for a physician. The doctor's rating was 5 star when I went and continues to be 5 star to this day.

Briefly, it was an Orthopedic Clinic with 5 or 6 physicians on staff.  The waiting room was huge, but filled to capacity (pre Covid) with patients.  The majority of people there were post surgery check ups, some having just had major surgery. The wait time for everyone was utterly ridiculous.  I had to wait 4 hours for my appointment, which luckily was only for a consultation.  A lady sitting across from me had a longer wait then I did and she had tears running down her face from the pain she was in.  She had taken her pain med before leaving home and it had worn off.  She just had major shoulder surgery 10 days prior.

When it was finally my turn, I was greeted by a condescending, arrogant, A-Hole who said I had to wait so long because he was so good and worth the wait.  To top it off, he gave me a Cortisone Injection in the wrong knee.

Needless to say I never went back and I did leave a 1 star rating with the reasons listed on his website and it never showed up in the reviews.

Wow.  That’s pretty impressively bad.

I suspect they’ll be able to remove the review on their side, since I think they actually pay some sort of fee to Google. It was the trying to get me to post a five star review with no mention of any problems that made me think “wait a minute, this is just unhinged.”

[lurkyloo]

Well, just had to cancel the aide’s visit today.  My mother emailed that she got a call from the police two hours north of his condo-as usual, he was trying to get into somewhere he shouldn’t and so disoriented they called medical services to take him to the hospital for evaluation.  Yes, I am paying the aide for her full twelve hours this week because this is not her fault. She was willing to reschedule to tomorrow if he is home.

I’m glad my brother will be down there to deal with it. I don’t see how Dad can keep living on his own.  

The aide suggested I order him a little Christmas tree, asked for more Pine Sol and some disposable gloves to do the dishes, and confirmed that he’s eating basically everything I’m ordering on the groceries.  It’s worth a lot to me to have some eyes on him.

[TheOtherMe]

Dec 12, 2020 15:49:03 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

I’m glad my brother will be down there to deal with it. I don’t see how Dad can keep living on his own.  

The aide suggested I order him a little Christmas tree, asked for more Pine Sol and some disposable gloves to do the dishes, and confirmed that he’s eating basically everything I’m ordering on the groceries.  It’s worth a lot to me to have some eyes on him.

This is so difficult when you are living near by and it has to be 100 times worse trying to manage from a distance.  

[jerseygirl]

Please see if your brother can get his car sold
Your Dad’s a danger to others

Seems a good aide, better than the ones sent by agency for my mom

[lurkyloo]

Dad’s still in hospital with mild pneumonia although not covid.  Still very disoriented.  They are wondering whether he’s had a stroke. I’ve let the aide and care agency know that this assignment will be ending soon, possibly at the end of this week.  Not sure whether brother will be able to bring Dad back to the condo for a few days or he’ll go straight into memory care.  I imagine it will take a few days at least to set up guardianship etc, necessary bc Dad would never give his consent. Maybe they’d do it via court order or something.

I’m pretty gutted.  

[finnime]

I'm sorry, lurkyloo.

[saveinla]

Very sorry to hear lurkyloo. 

[taz157]

I’m sorry lurkyloo. ((((Hugs))))

[ners]

Hugs lurkyloo

[Deleted]

lurkyloo All I can do is offer 

[wvugurl26]

So sorry lurkyloo. I hope your brother can get everything set up for him as easily as possible.

[TheOtherMe]

Sorry lurkyloo

[Deleted]

I’ve been avoiding this thread, and just read the last few pages.

lurkyloo, you’ve been trying to encourage me lately with dealing with my parent, and I didn’t realize the extent of your struggles with your own parent. I’m sorry your Dad has been so difficult and that he’s sick now.

You’ve been doing great, trying to help your Dad from a distance. You have no control over how much he cooperates or doesn’t. The deal with the agency and the review and refund, you did a great job of standing up for yourself. That was exactly what you should have done. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty or bad about in expecting people to uphold their end of the contract, or about what kind of work the aide has chosen to make a living. You can be relieved that there are people willing to do that kind of work, but not guilty because you choose not to. Id prefer not to do that kind of thing myself. I often say that everything ain’t for everybody, and that covers a variety of things, including the different kinds of work we all do.

I’ve said a prayer and am sending good vibes your way, for you and your Dad.

[lurkyloo]

Thanks all.  I appreciate the support, a lot. 

No new news today.  Brother was supposed to meet with a social worker but I haven’t heard anything back. 

ETA:  Did get confirmation that two orders I had placed then tried to cancel were delivered there today.  Sort of half hoping they just get stolen...no idea when someone will get there at this point.

[lurkyloo]

Mother’s internet was out yesterday, so nothing nefarious.  Dad’s in hospital another day. Brother retrieved keys to the car, no I have no idea what he’ll do with it but it’s a pricey loose end.  I called the other care agency just in case they were actively looking for someone, to let them know it’s no longer necessary.  

[snapdragon]

Sending hugs.

I have to say that the family was lucky that your brother was already on his way to help/assist/browbeat/deal/or manage your dad. It is a completely sucky situation.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Hugs lurkyloo      

[lurkyloo]

Quick update before fall down go boom:

The hospital released him and they made it back to the condo.  Brother will stay until an appropriate placement can be found, which may stretch through Christmas...so yeah, I am guiltily glad this didn’t fall on me because I would have trouble managing that. I ordered groceries for delivery tomorrow morning. Guess they can use the tabletop Christmas tree and maybe the ninja foodi grill after all...

They think Dad had a major stroke, likely some time ago.  I’d guess it happened this summer sometime bc the difference between June and now is pretty stark. 

[Deleted]

Released him with no recommendation for after care, like assisted living or a long-term care facility?

[lurkyloo]

Dec 16, 2020 0:48:08 GMT -5 @missrigby said:

Released him with no recommendation for after care, like assisted living or a long-term care facility?

He needs a memory care facility, with outdoor space for his mental health.  They are still looking for an appropriate one.

[buystoys]

I'm so glad your brother is there to take some of the burden off you. 

[finnime]

I'm also glad your brother is there to manage your dad, lurkyloo. It's hard.

[lurkyloo]

I appreciate him being there, but I also feel bad because it’s a big and heartbreaking job.  The groceries got delivered (Instacart sent me a pic of them on the kitchen floor so I know they were received), and the aide was more than half an hour late but it sounds like bro was counting on having the aide there so he could get a break and get stuff done.  So hopefully it was helpful...eventually!  I’ve indicated that he’s welcome to ask her to work more hours as necessary. Seems like the least I can do.

Not sure there’s much more I can do from a distance.     

[skeeter]

Dec 16, 2020 18:23:02 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

I appreciate him being there, but I also feel bad because it’s a big and heartbreaking job.  The groceries got delivered (Instacart sent me a pic of them on the kitchen floor so I know they were received), and the aide was more than half an hour late but it sounds like bro was counting on having the aide there so he could get a break and get stuff done.  So hopefully it was helpful...eventually!  I’ve indicated that he’s welcome to ask her to work more hours as necessary. Seems like the least I can do.

Not sure there’s much more I can do from a distance.     

Please don't worry about doing more right now.  You have done sooooo much already, you deserve a break.  Try and enjoy some time off, not to mention a little less stress for the time being

[lurkyloo]

Got an email from brother that just about broke me, not sure why.  Just business and practical stuff.  Still sat in my car and cried for a bit. Dad will hate being in a facility so much...but he wanders and sneaks out and can’t be left alone, and he’s really hard to deal with.  I don’t think any of us could safely care for him long term.

Turns out it was the medical POA that needed the doctors appointment and the durable didn’t. I suppose it was a fortunate mistake, since it meant he was already on the way when the incident happened.

My in laws, who just moved into assisted living last month, are wanting to move to a different facility already.  And DH just heard from them that his aunt is showing signs of dementia.  She lives by herself on acreage in Ohio, is 89, and likes to spend the entire day working on her extensive gardens. DH just reminded me that he is her POA 

Brother is keeping the condo for use by whoever wants to go down and visit Dad.  

I am ordering them a prime rib to cook for Christmas, because fuck it, why not.

[saveinla]

Hugs lurkyloo - this getting old stuff is not easy - especially with headstrong people.

[Deleted]

lurkyloo 

[TheOtherMe]

lurkyloo   I well remember the tears I shed trying to get dad proper care and the tears I shed every Thursday after taking him grocery shopping.

Let the tears flow.

Do you and your brother have the correct POA to admit him to memory care?  

[lurkyloo]

Dec 19, 2020 17:23:59 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

lurkyloo    I well remember the tears I shed trying to get dad proper care and the tears I shed every Thursday after taking him grocery shopping.

Let the tears flow.

Do you and your brother have the correct POA to admit him to memory care?  

Good question.  I think we will need a guardianship to do so against his will.  
I keep thinking there could be a path with 24/7 caregivers, but I think he’d need to be geographically close to a family member for oversight and no one wants to move to Florida (or have caregivers in and out of the house all day during a pandemic).  Also, the pot smoke is really a dealbreaker    If he’d friggin compromise on something he could get a lot closer to what he wants.

[TheOtherMe]

Will any facility take him as long as he smokes pot?  

My sister had a POA that said when dad was no longer able to make decisions she could sign him in to a care facility.  After he went blind and spent about 10 days in the hospital, the hospital would only release him to a nursing home.  She said it was the hardest thing she has ever done to sign the admission papers knowing he never wanted to be in a nursing home.

I don't think anyone wants to go to a nursing home.