Aging Parent Support Thread

[TheOtherMe]

My dad was able to hide his dementia for a long time.  Then it was very obvious to me.

To this day, my sister will not agree that he had dementia, even that is the cause of death on the death certificate.

[empress of self-improvement]

Jun 11, 2020 6:29:26 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

My dad was able to hide his dementia for a long time.  Then it was very obvious to me.

To this day, my sister will not agree that he had dementia, even that is the cause of death on the death certificate.

One of my brothers in law was like that. He was damned and determined that his mother was just fine, only a little lost since FIL died. Yeah, no. She has dementia. He was forced to go with them to the doctor to be told this and he was still living in his own world. Welp, she is now in a facility for the memory-impaired. He had to give up his fight.

DH doesn't have dementia, OH GOD I HOPE NOT!!!!, but he is having some cognitive issues that are part of the MS. It SUCKS! I'm not sure how well I'll be able to handle this. I really don't.

[TheOtherMe]

I insisted we take dad in for a dementia evaluation and he only missed one question.  He was having a good day and did wonderful on the evaluation.

That mean my sister wouldn't agree to move him to a place where he could get better care.  

I'm sorry empress of self-improvement  about your DH.  It does suck.

[stillmovingforward]

Can I whine?
My mother lives with/next to us in an ADU. She is fairly independent but can't afford to live by herself and needs some daily oversight (reminders, food shopping, etc). I REALLY want to move into the city but can't afford a place big enough to give her space as well. So I'm stuck here, in a town I hate and a lack of amenities I want to make my life easier.

Just venting. I came to terms with it this week that I really am stuck here and downsizing into an easier to care for place won't happen anytime soon. So i'm making changed to the current place so it doesn't take so much upkeep.

Sigh.....I just wanted to live with delivery services!

[stillmovingforward]

I would like to say that she is a wonderful woman when if she can be a bit difficult sometimes. And I DO NOT wish to 'get rid' of her. I just wish....IDK. i kind of feel stuck. And it's not her fault.

[snapdragon]

Aug 27, 2020 12:08:58 GMT -5 stillmovingforward said:

I would like to say that she is a wonderful woman when if she can be a bit difficult sometimes. And I DO NOT wish to 'get rid' of her. I just wish....IDK. i kind of feel stuck. And it's not her fault.

Is there any type of class that she could go to at the local senior center? Something so that you both get a break from each other? Or could you get something like assistance care once every few weeks? Depending on her insurance you could get help and possibility a advocate. If your Mom is fine for now that's great but if things start to deteriorate you will already be known and the wait time for help/assistance can be faster.


Good Luck.   

[stillmovingforward]

I'm not stuck with her 24/7 nor am I her caretaker. She can take care of herself with a few reminders. She gets out a bit, has friends and hobbies. I have a full time job.

I just hate living in the town/area that I've been in for the past decade and have always wanted to move. First kids, now the cost of a new place that would include space for her. Moving just isn't going to happen.

She's a very healthy 80+, her ADU is built for senior living so it's perfect for her. Even if she needs more personal care later on.

i'm whiny. I so wanted grocery and food delivery!

[CCL]

Could you hire someone to shop, run a few errands, for you? Maybe a neighbor?

[stillmovingforward]

Not really. Im the youngest person in our neighborhood. It's a tiny rural town. No ubereats or anything, i'd love Amazon grocery delivery (DS1 has it and loves it), I'd love to have the convenience things like he has. I can get delivery, it's just a hassle to set it up and easier to do it myself. I already have someone mow and edge my lawn. Im just tired of the lack of services to make my life more relaxing. And the big house upkeep is draining even though my upkeep now is focused on making this place as upkeep free as I can. Make sense?

I warned you, i'm whiny. I hate living here.

[countrygirl2]

I so understand, believe me.

[countrygirl2]

I got MIL's update for state medicaid completed. Got up early this morning to fax it in, seems like everytime I started the phone rang and stopped it. I have it plugged into the fax but its a landline and can be dialed in, so messes it up. I got all 18 pages sent this morning. 

I hope they can follow through it,  hard to understand.

I finally received a notice from VA. I had contacted them over and over and over. And it says I never notified them she moved to a nursing home!! Then goes on to say she has been in a nursing home since last October.  Dear god.

Now they have also decided she received too much money since January of 2019?? This was all spelled out in 2016 by their representative. So now they are saying we can work out a repayment schedule to them. I am going to go through again and explain what the money was used for. It did not start building up till October of last year when she moved into the nursing home and that's when we started having issues with medicaid. I'm going to fill in all the basics and take it to our attorney for her to complete. She said if they wanted money back to get her involved. I  have reams of documents about all this it seems. I filled out every new form they asked for and sent it in. It even said they were notified by the American Legion who has a local rep that tries to help that she moved in October.  This is just crazy.

[jerseygirl]

Sept 12, 2020 8:36:45 GMT -5 countrygirl2 said:

I got MIL's update for state medicaid completed. Got up early this morning to fax it in, seems like everytime I started the phone rang and stopped it. I have it plugged into the fax but its a landline and can be dialed in, so messes it up. I got all 18 pages sent this morning. 

I hope they can follow through it,  hard to understand.

I finally received a notice from VA. I had contacted them over and over and over. And it says I never notified them she moved to a nursing home!! Then goes on to say she has been in a nursing home since last October.  Dear god.

Now they have also decided she received too much money since January of 2019?? This was all spelled out in 2016 by their representative. So now they are saying we can work out a repayment schedule to them. I am going to go through again and explain what the money was used for. It did not start building up till October of last year when she moved into the nursing home and that's when we started having issues with medicaid. I'm going to fill in all the basics and take it to our attorney for her to complete. She said if they wanted money back to get her involved. I  have reams of documents about all this it seems. I filled out every new form they asked for and sent it in. It even said they were notified by the American Legion who has a local rep that tries to help that she moved in October.  This is just crazy.

Government buracracy is just awful. I took care of all my disabled sister’s affairs and the stupidity is monumental. It hurts my stomach just to remember. God luck and keep persevering,

[countrygirl2]

I begged and pleaded with them to reduce her payment AFTER October of last year and nothing. So medicaid was going to cut her off. Sorry but $6000 plus a month payments would strain our budget, would do more then strain, so could not afford to do that. We had to open a Miller trust and start depositing the money in it less $90 she deserves.  So now there is at least $10k in there that we cannot remove, had to go to the state of Indiana to keep her eligible. 

And now they are saying overpay from Jan of last year to Dec?? Now have to go back through all that again. Took me over a year to get her help then has taken over a year to try and stop it.  Yeah a great functioning organization.

[countrygirl2]

Now its about time for me to have to deal with DD again. Being a Guardian is a ton of work and seems to never end.

[Bonny]

Update:

My dad finally passed on Tuesday. Apparently he went in his sleep. 

In talking with my girlfriend I realize it's been two years since his terminal diagnosis, the year long attempt to get him into a facility and 8 months in a facility. ETA: And the date of this thread when it was apparent things were going down hill!

I have had many feelings but at this point I feel a huge burden of responsibility lifted. I'm glad he's at peace.

As an update I found out that his girlfriend has not thrown out all of his stuff after all. I don't know how that transpired but I do think she has trouble hearing and perhaps misspoke.

So the bad news is that there's still a big mess to clean up after all.

[ners]

Sorry for your loss Bonny.   

[Tennesseer]

My condolences, Bonnie.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry, Bonny. I understand about feeling that a heavy burden of responsibility has been lifted.

[taz157]

I’m sorry Bonny on the passing of your father. Hopefully the clean up with his girlfriend isn’t too bad.

[saveinla]

Sorry for your loss Bonny. I agree with the weight being lifted. It is a heavy burden to bear - especially when there is so little you can do. 

[TheOtherMe]

My condolences Bonny  I also felt that way when my dad finally passed.  He had no quality of life.

[finnime]

I'm sorry for your loss, Bonny.

[Deleted]

Oct 9, 2020 16:20:33 GMT -5 Bonny said:

Update:

My dad finally passed on Tuesday. Apparently he went in his sleep. 

In talking with my girlfriend I realize it's been two years since his terminal diagnosis, the year long attempt to get him into a facility and 8 months in a facility. ETA: And the date of this thread when it was apparent things were going down hill!

I have had many feelings but at this point I feel a huge burden of responsibility lifted. I'm glad he's at peace.

As an update I found out that his girlfriend has not thrown out all of his stuff after all. I don't know how that transpired but I do think she has trouble hearing and perhaps misspoke.

So the bad news is that there's still a big mess to clean up after all.

I am so sorry.  Your family is in my prayers.

[busymom]

I'm so sorry Bonny.     While it's very sad that he's gone, he left in the best way possible.  

[NastyWoman]

I'm sorry for your loss Bonny 

[buystoys]

My condolences to you and your family. 

[Opti]

Sorry for your loss Bonny. It can be hard even if you expect it. 

[Anne_in_VA]

I’m so sorry for your loss Bonny.

[Bonny]

Thanks everyone for your kind thoughts and prayers. You've all been wonderfully supporting and helpful as my family has gone through this process.

[stillmovingforward]

Bonnie - My condolences on the loss of your dad. Please make sure you feel no/limited guilt in relief on his passing. It lessened his burden as well.