Aging Parent Support Thread

[busymom]

I'm so sorry for your loss deminmaine .  There is no clear map in knowing how it all will end, so you have to forgive yourself if you didn't make "perfect" decisions.  No one does.  


My Dad left us quite suddenly.  With Mom, the process went much more slowly.  But, she did last a lot longer (years, actually) than doctors warned us she would.  



Cherish the memories.  Hopefully, your siblings will continue to be close.  And, take it easy in the days ahead.  It's a process.  

[kadee79]

DIM.... (((((hugs)))))

[buystoys]

Condolences to you Dem. 

[NastyWoman]

I am so sorry for your loss Dem . You and your siblings did all you could for your mom. Find solace in that and don't beat yourself up with all the "if only..." scenarios you can come up with.

[TheOtherMe]

There are a lot of "what if" scenarios.  I can't go there or I will drive myself crazy.

I know I did the best I could.  No, everything was not perfect and if I sat down and analyzed it, I'm sure I would find something I should have done differently.  I can't let myself go there for my sanity.

Peace to you and your family.  

[Anne_in_VA]

So sorry for your loss deminmaine.

[mmhmm]

I'm truly sorry for your loss, deminmaine.  

[debthaven]

I'm so sorry for your loss Dem. It sounds like your mom knew she was very loved.

[deminmaine]

Thank you all for your very kind words of support.  I purposefully waited some time before reporting here because I didn't want to get too emotional, and of course the emotions and such still come through.  


But my real purpose in posting that was also to thank everyone for engaging when we had some real decisions to make last summer/ fall in helping Mom out and I posted here looking for advice.  What I heard from you here was very helpful in guiding me to decisions in an uncharted area.  This is, in my opinion, one of the great positives of the whole online social/ social media phenomenon, and really shows itself proud helping people with serious real issues such as helping aging parents.  Sometimes a sounding board is exactly what we can use for advise and comfort, and indeed anonymity can be a help in some discussions.


So, thank you all!  

[finnime]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom, deminmaine. I wasn't there when my mother died either and while I wish sometimes I had been, I know that the last time I saw her was the last time she was really able to communicate with me. It's hard losing your mother. I miss her very much, 17 years later.

You and your family provided the care and comfort that really mattered to your mother. You offered her a peaceful passing. Best to you now as you grieve.

[Wisconsin Beth]

I'm sorry for you loss deminmaine 

Dad had his stress test on Monday - the chemical one, not the exercise one.  He did fine. He's not breathing so well lately and he tires so very easily.  They've checked his heart and no real changes/problems there.  Which means it's likely his lungs.  And he doesn't like the pulmonary stuff because his throat always feel hoarse and sore.  So he stops doing it and the people at the pulmonary office 'fire' him.  Which we get; if he's not going to follow instructions, there's nothing they can do.  Stubborn man.  He's really slowed down this winter.  And for Wisconsin, it wasn't even an average winter.  Everyone is hoping/assuming he'll be better in summer when it's warmer and he can be outside more.  But I'm scared.  I'm not sure he will.  He'll be 82 in June. 

[snapdragon]

I can say here that getting multiple calls from hospice is not fun. I know what Dad wants and I know that if it gets too painful he can take meds to end the pain. But having before and after visit phone calls does nothing for me mentally. This is Dad's journey and yes, I am part of it but I really don't want the complete details until they are needed. Which is not at this time. 

[saveinla]

Mar 10, 2020 11:35:35 GMT -5 snapdragon said:

I can say here that getting multiple calls from hospice is not fun. I know what Dad wants and I know that if it gets too painful he can take meds to end the pain. But having before and after visit phone calls does nothing for me mentally. This is Dad's journey and yes, I am part of it but I really don't want the complete details until they are needed. Which is not at this time. 

Hugs snapdragon.

[snapdragon]

Dad is getting worse day by day. I will be seeing him on Saturday and have several questions that I have written down so I won't forget. Due to Corvid and the Pandamic only me and my best friend will be with dad when he passes. My state issued a mandate that hospice workers could no longer be inside a private residence. So I was originally asked to mix and hand my dad the medicine that he would take. I died inside and felt like I was kicked in the gut when I finally understood that I would be assisting him in going out with dignity. After my breakdown I called my best friend and she has offered to be with me and to do the medications so all I have to do is be there with Dad as he falls asleep. I spoke with Dad and he agreed that it would be good for me to have someone with me. Right now I just don't know who will win in this race, Dad on his own terms or the cancer. We don't have the medication yet and are not sure when the pharmacy will be contacted to make it. I know it will be sometime at the end of this month beginning of next.

[taz157]

Mar 18, 2020 12:06:24 GMT -5 snapdragon said:

Dad is getting worse day by day. I will be seeing him on Saturday and have several questions that I have written down so I won't forget. Due to Corvid and the Pandamic only me and my best friend will be with dad when he passes. My state issued a mandate that hospice workers could no longer be inside a private residence. So I was originally asked to mix and hand my dad the medicine that he would take. I died inside and felt like I was kicked in the gut when I finally understood that I would be assisting him in going out with dignity. After my breakdown I called my best friend and she has offered to be with me and to do the medications so all I have to do is be there with Dad as he falls asleep. I spoke with Dad and he agreed that it would be good for me to have someone with me. Right now I just don't know who will win in this race, Dad on his own terms or the cancer. We don't have the medication yet and are not sure when the pharmacy will be contacted to make it. I know it will be sometime at the end of this month beginning of next.

(((((Hugs)))))

[finnime]

Big hugs to you, snapdragon. You are a brave woman and a wonderful daughter.

[Wisconsin Beth]

I'm so sorry snapdragon. 

[mollyanna58]

I am so sorry your dad and you are going through this, snapdragon

[buystoys]

More hugs to you snapdragon.  I'm glad you have such a good friend to stand by you in this sad time.

[Bonny]

You are one courageous woman snapdragon

[TheOtherMe]

Hugs snapdragon

[ners]

Very sorry snapdragon

[saveinla]

So very sorry for this snapdragon.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Mom got to take Dad's bandage off today.  He had some tissue removed from his forehead on Tuesday, to be on the safe side.  A biopsy about 4 weeks ago showed basel cells and they thought they got it all at the time but decided to be safer than sorry and take out some more cells.  Stitches come out next week.

[busymom]

I'm so sorry snapdragon.     Those constant telephone calls from hospice companies, while they try to be helpful, do sort of compound your sadness.  You know we've got your back here.  

[mmhmm]

Mar 18, 2020 12:06:24 GMT -5 snapdragon said:

Dad is getting worse day by day. I will be seeing him on Saturday and have several questions that I have written down so I won't forget. Due to Corvid and the Pandamic only me and my best friend will be with dad when he passes. My state issued a mandate that hospice workers could no longer be inside a private residence. So I was originally asked to mix and hand my dad the medicine that he would take. I died inside and felt like I was kicked in the gut when I finally understood that I would be assisting him in going out with dignity. After my breakdown I called my best friend and she has offered to be with me and to do the medications so all I have to do is be there with Dad as he falls asleep. I spoke with Dad and he agreed that it would be good for me to have someone with me. Right now I just don't know who will win in this race, Dad on his own terms or the cancer. We don't have the medication yet and are not sure when the pharmacy will be contacted to make it. I know it will be sometime at the end of this month beginning of next.

I'm so sorry, hon. I can only imagine how you feel. Even when we know we're doing a kindness it's still pretty devastating. We're here for you when you need to vent - or just shoulders to cry on. Hugs.

[Bonny]

With the Stay at Home Order everything seems to get more difficult especially for the elderly for whom they are trying to protect.

Yesterday I got a call from AT&T. The woman said she was trying to help the gf with numbers she didn't recognize on her phone bill. I said I did know her and the woman said she was checking out several other numbers. She though gf had some short term memory issues.I left a vm message for gf's daughter. I let her know about the phone call and said I was concerned about her mom and wanted to talk about what's been going on over the last year. I got a text back thanking me and said her sister would be contacting her mom.

This morning I had a nasty, nasty e-mail from the gf telling me to mind my own business, stay away from her family and that I was stupid and acting like a spoiled brat. I sent a return e-mail stating I was sorry she was so upset, that I am concerned about her and that I appreciated very much what she has done for my father. And I wished her well.

Soldiering on!

[TheOtherMe]

[Bonny]

Has anyone heard how the stimulus payment will affect those on Medicaid? I posted this on the CARE Act thread but thought someone might know. If my father gets a payment it will put him about $500 over the annual limit.


And depending on the timing he may not be able to keep it if his long term care application is accepted. I'm fine with that. He is getting care on the taxpayer's dime and it's only fair the government recoups what it can. It's just he shouldn't get both penalized with share of cost AND not be able to use that money to offset the share.

[jerseygirl]

Since he’s on Medicaid probably not sending tax return, think check is only if did tax return. Anyway eligible adults get $1200, kids get $500