Aging Parent Support Thread

[Wisconsin Beth]

Feb 23, 2020 19:05:53 GMT -5 @missrigby said:

Wisconsin Beth Oh, my. That can't be good. I had some pretty awful side effects from the first couple of rounds of meds before finding the right combination that did the job without making me swell up like a balloon and/or itch.

Is your dad's doc aware of his reaction to the meds?

I don't think so.  Dad started taking them on Thursday.  On Sunday, he told me about his core being warmer.  I texted Mom this morning, asking about a rash and she replied that Dad was just getting up and she hadn't checked/talked to him about it yet.  If I don't hear back from her by 9am, I'll reach out again. 

[Wisconsin Beth]

No rash, per Mom. 

[buystoys]

That's good news, at least.

[snapdragon]

Surgery is not happening today... But it should be sometime this week. The samples for the labs / biopsies did not go to the new hospital with dad in the ambulance.  Instead all the paperwork came with him instead. 

Waiting is fine but very annoying though.

[Bonny]

Dad agreed to go into LTC per the Social Worker. Business Officer works with the patient to get the Medi-Cal forms completed. The GF will have to bring in the renewal form and his latest bank statement.

Huge sigh of relief and thanks! 

His 84th birthday is Thursday. I will see him on our return trip home on the 10th.

[Opti]

Good luck Bonny. My Dad is at least 86 yrs old and his next stent remove and replace might be in May. He has to be in twlight
mode because his heart rate is too low and funky.

I feel like I am on orphan watch.

Real glad though that things are moving in the right direction for you and your Dad. Always nice when that happens.

[mmhmm]

Feb 25, 2020 10:37:00 GMT -5 Bonny said:

Dad agreed to go into LTC per the Social Worker. Business Officer works with the patient to get the Medi-Cal forms completed. The GF will have to bring in the renewal form and his latest bank statement.

Huge sigh of relief and thanks! 

His 84th birthday is Thursday. I will see him on our return trip home on the 10th.

That's great news, Bonny. I'm sure a heavy weight has been lifted from your mind. Hugs!

[TheOtherMe]

Feb 25, 2020 10:37:00 GMT -5 Bonny said:

Dad agreed to go into LTC per the Social Worker. Business Officer works with the patient to get the Medi-Cal forms completed. The GF will have to bring in the renewal form and his latest bank statement.

Huge sigh of relief and thanks! 

His 84th birthday is Thursday. I will see him on our return trip home on the 10th.

This is the best solution for your dad's living situation.  

Big relief off your mind.  

[Wisconsin Beth]

Dad's been put back on metropolol.  No rash but he was getting warmer in the core and on his skin, from the texts I got today. 

[countrygirl2]

DD takes that and no issues.<br><br>I read about reverse mortgages one time. I'm pretty sure the parties have to keep living in the house to retain the reverse mortgage. I'm sure it can vary, but that sticks in my mind. I have a feeling her time there is limited.<br><br>I would park that money in a bank account for now.  It may have to be paid to the state or spent down if its like here.  I am still spending some down for MIL.  Pretty strict that they cannot have over $2k. Here because she had the money I had to pay the first months cost of $6000.  So be careful with giving it to anyone till you know or you could have to replace it.  The qualification process and reporting of all accounts, assets, etc was pretty comprehensive here for MIL.  Eventually she will get $50 for her SS and $90 from VA.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Dad was apparently getting these weird little red blood blisters like things that would come in on his body and then fade a couple of hours later.  That's the main reason they stopped the diltiazem it sounds like.  Not like my brother's rash reaction at all. 

[buystoys]

My parents moved in with my sister and BIL in October.  Three days before the move my mom was diagnosed with small cell carcinoma.  Needless to say, there has been a tremendous amount of upheaval and attempts to avoid scheduling conflicts.  My day to stay with mom and dad (to run errands with/for them, take them to appointments, etc.) has been Tuesdays.  Mom asked if I could change it to Thursday as that works better for her.  I can.  It's not a problem.  What is a problem is scheduling their home health aid.  They had just gotten the schedule worked out and now we have to rework it with a new person for Tuesday.  Just a little hiccup in the scheme of things.

The whole situation is getting a bit tense (I'm saying that tongue in cheek) lately.  Mom has had some anger/aggravation/irritation/annoyance/pissed off issues for the past several years.  It's become much more obvious since they had to move.  The move was necessary because their finances wouldn't support them any longer.  That came as a shock to my brother and I, but my sister knew it was going to come in time.  Sis's house is laid out in a manner that allows mom and dad to have a large room as a living room, a bathroom, a bedroom and a couple of storage closets.  It has a separate entrance as well.  I've suggested intensive day therapy to mom and she sounds like she will do that once her radiation treatment is over.  Should be done in a month or so. 

So far, I've been able to not get into an argument with mom, but it has been difficult at times.  She gets something in her head, such as needing to go to Walmart, and she won't let go of it until you just take her.  There may be scheduling issues, but sis and I both have come to the conclusion that mom's stubbornness makes it too difficult to try to stay on a schedule.  We've learned to not schedule anything else for days she is going to medical appointments, for example.  She always needs to make a quick stop someplace.  It's easier for me because I don't have to take time off from work for her appointments. 

Thanks for letting me just ramble here.  It was a long tough day yesterday (we had appointments from 10 am to 3pm) and I'm just a little frazzled from all the tension there was.

[Deleted]

buystoys Oh, my. Whenever I read these posts I just hope and pray that I don't turn into a "difficult" old lady and that DD has the patience to put up with me. For now, I'm still driving and can take myself to appointments or a Walmart run...or to my favorite place, Home Depot's garden department. The very first time I have a near miss or get lost? The car will be sold and my license traded for just an ID card.

[Bonny]

Feb 25, 2020 23:17:44 GMT -5 countrygirl2 said:

DD takes that and no issues.

I read about reverse mortgages one time. I'm pretty sure the parties have to keep living in the house to retain the reverse mortgage. I'm sure it can vary, but that sticks in my mind. I have a feeling her time there is limited.

I would park that money in a bank account for now.  It may have to be paid to the state or spent down if its like here.  I am still spending some down for MIL.  Pretty strict that they cannot have over $2k. Here because she had the money I had to pay the first months cost of $6000.  So be careful with giving it to anyone till you know or you could have to replace it.  The qualification process and reporting of all accounts, assets, etc was pretty comprehensive here for MIL.  Eventually she will get $50 for her SS and $90 from VA.

They were both on the reverse mortgage and both have a life estate in the house. She can stay there for as long as she wants/can afford to. Then under their Trust she can sell the house and use the proceeds for her care. I'm guessing it will be six months to a year before she decides it's too much for her. She's physically strong.

Funny thing, there was a law passed in CA in 2017 stating that Medi-Cal (Medicaid in CA) can only go after probatable assets. Since the house is in a living Trust it doesn't look like Medi-Cal can recover against his estate.

I don't have a problem with her taking ALL of the proceeds of the house. She took care of him for 20+ years so she's earned it. I only had a problem with her kicking him out and/or dumping him on me and still collecting his SS. That didn't seem right.

[countrygirl2]

I would have a problem with that too. He needs his SS, why should she still be taking it, well she won't now. Is his SS account set up so she can't get his money now?  Sounds like you have it covered, just going by what I saw in Texas and Indiana.  I'm wondering if she can afford the place on her money alone.

[TheOtherMe]

She won't be getting his SS now, will she?  Won't it be going to pay for his care?

The SS should be going in to a separate account that is his.  

You might want to look in to becoming his representative payee with Social Security.  All of his funds have to be used for him and his care.

[snapdragon]

Well the samples are not telling what the hell they are. We are not getting a confirmation on what Type of Cancer it is. We just know that it is behaving like a cancer and is malevolent. So they are going to get some more samples and hopefully everyone will have a better clue on what is going on. Surgery is not going to happen if there is no comprehensive diagnosis. 

At least now we know why things are going so slow. His C* is being a a-hole and refusing to tell it's type.

[countrygirl2]

I asked before if the account that was closed where his SS goes? He has to have an account for that, I think they allow one paper check then direct deposit.  So that will need done. If a new account is set up for him, she can't get it. The facility will take all of it anyway but $50 a month.

[Bonny]

Feb 26, 2020 23:38:28 GMT -5 countrygirl2 said:

I would have a problem with that too. He needs his SS, why should she still be taking it, well she won't now. Is his SS account set up so she can't get his money now?  Sounds like you have it covered, just going by what I saw in Texas and Indiana.  I'm wondering if she can afford the place on her money alone.

I don't think she's on his new account. She's very clear she doesn't want to co-mingle money (other than the house). She's afraid of the Medicaid claw-back coming back on her. Apparently something similar happened to her husband 25 years ago when he died. Medicaid wanted something like $300k for his care (he had a stroke and was wheelchair bound for years).

I think she may have a little money in CDs. I found a statement which was a couple of years old for a $12k CD. I don't think she'll stay at the house for more than a year. I think she'll run out of money and be really lonely.

[countrygirl2]

I don't know if they will look at that as a common law marriage or not.  And don't know the laws pertaining to it, but she may have a valid concern.

I still haven't been able to stop VA, it came again.  I'm going to call them again. The VA service officer said he had one more person in the area with the same problem. We are worried they will come after us for money. I told hubs I will guide that to her "estate" in which there is nothing but $2400, I have to spend the $400 down and the VA money. The nursing home kept wanting more and more money and they were overpaid, so last month only $395 went there. Hubs said how come we have money to spend down, he said it doesn't make sense, maybe not but the way it is.


I wonder if each time I call it sets the whole thing back even further, who knows. Once I sort that out, the stress will let up.

[snapdragon]

Well I will be picking Dad up after work. Surgery is off the table otherwise he would be staying in the hospital.

So I will take him home and he can make the best decisions for what he needs/wants to do in the future. I will be there but this is his journey and I refuse to get in the way of his quality of life. If he wants to be back home and playing cards with buddies before he goes than that is what I will make sure it happens. He is completely rational and has no delusions and right now neither do I. 

[TheOtherMe]

 snapdragon

[Bonny]

Mar 1, 2020 15:47:24 GMT -5 countrygirl2 said:

I don't know if they will look at that as a common law marriage or not.  And don't know the laws pertaining to it, but she may have a valid concern.

From what I researched California doesn't recognize common law marriages. The issue, if any, would be that he's lied on his Medicaid forms all these years. But they set up the Trust over 9 years ago, long before the 5 year look-back.

As I said, due to the law change the issue is probably moot.

[countrygirl2]

I hope so. I can't get that VA mess resolved and I fear we will lose Medicaid because of it.  And yet we can't spend the money for her.  Going to try calling again this week.


Then I got all kinds of conflicting info on her meds again.  This should be simplistic.

[deminmaine]

So my Mom passed about a month ago now.  It seems almost dreamlike now (bad dream) but it is also very clear.  My sister had gone back down to Florida at Christmas, as Mom had stabilized, and was managing OK.  We were all very grateful to my sister for all of her help and sacrifice in staying that extended time with Mom to help her get by.  

Beginning of Feb Mom was feeling worse, and medication was not really keeping at bay.  I was over and made her last meal, although I didn't know it at the time.  Cheese omelet, with a piece of bacon on the side.  She was hungry, but could only eat part of it.  I threw a piece of chicken thigh she had sitting in a pan on the stove away, angering Mom.  She wanted me to take it back out from the trash but I didn't.  I wasted it.  So her pain was getting worse, and we had called the Hospice nurse, who came over.  She suggested that we get her to the hospice house for pain management, which Mom was agreeable to.  She really was in a tremendous amount of pain.  

That was the beginning of the end though.  After the ambulance transferred her and she was settled in the PA told DW and I that she was bleeding internally, and we knew that this was the aneurism.  Mom was on some more serious pain meds, and was finally resting comfortably, first time in a long time.  That night was the last time I talked to her.  The next day she was so sedated that she was not really conscious, and they told us that she was not likely to go home again.  They said that she would sleep through the night, and we went home.  A few hours later we got a call that her breathing was labored and we should come in, but we didn't make it before she passed.  We should have stayed, but we didn't know.  I said goodbye to her in her room when we got there, but it was too late.  

Hospice care was great, but some of it was confusing.  I look sideways at myself mostly, as I should have connected dots more than I did, maybe I could have been thinking more clearly.  Nothing was going to change the course of events though.  I just wish I had had one or two more substantive conversations with Mom, and that I had raised the emergency alarm with siblings down in FL a bit earlier than I did.  I don't think they would have made it up in time anyway, but who knows.

Family was good, service was good, a lot of love in the room.  Lot's of time with brother and sister, laughs and tears.  Remembering, high times, low times, good and bad.  Going through Mom's stuff.  A really good and decent life, tough breaks, hard, bringing up three kids alone.  Imperfect, but beautiful, and full of love too.  Tough month.


Wanted to post here to thank those who helped with my concerns with helping out sister last fall,  that all worked out great.  Thank you all. 

[saveinla]

Sorry for your loss deminmaine. It is never easy losing your mom however old you may be.

[mollyanna58]

deminmaine, so sorry for your loss.

[taz157]

Mar 9, 2020 14:26:33 GMT -5 mollyanna58 said:

deminmaine, so sorry for your loss.

Yeah that. ((((Hugs))))

[TheOtherMe]

Sorry for your loss deminmaine

It's so difficult to lose a parent.  Ask me how I know.  Please don't kick yourself over any decision you made.  There truly are no wrong or right answers.  All we can do is the best we can do at the time.

[deminmaine]

Mar 9, 2020 16:21:13 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Sorry for your loss deminmaine

It's so difficult to lose a parent.  Ask me how I know.  Please don't kick yourself over any decision you made.  There truly are no wrong or right answers.  All we can do is the best we can do at the time.

Thanks all, and TheOtherMe, I appreciate that.  I know that intellectually, and am doing well.  It's only when you think about it and get in the weeds, like writing that post, that thoughts like that come out.  We did well by Mom, but of course nothing is perfect, and it's natural to second guess I suppose.