Aging Parent Support Thread

[Deleted]

snapdragon 

[Bonny]

So indeed I got an e-mail from the girlfriend saying she's resigning from caregiving and won't take him back. I forwarded the message to my brother and uncle but didn't reply to her.

On the drive down to So. CA I called the Social Worker and she confirmed that the girlfriend cannot lock Dad out of the house or refuse caregivers from seeing him. Both are types of Elder Abuse and Adult Protective Services would be contacted immediately. It sounds like they take these kinds of things seriously.

I will see my Dad tomorrow around 11:00 and then my brother and I will meet with his caregiving team at about 11:30.

Bro says Dad's in bad shape. Bro brought papers for Dad to sign but said Dad was too loopy to sign anything. Looks like I'm going to be hanging in there for a while. I asked Bro if he thought Dad was ready for Hospice. He said he thinks he's pretty close.

[countrygirl2]

So difficult when all won't work together. I'm so sorry for all of you, well not the GF.

[Deleted]

I'm confused. How can she refuse to "take him back" into a house that's 1/4 his? I hope APS steps in and tells her how the cow ate the cabbage, so to speak. 

Big hugs to you. This has got to be stressful beyond belief

[TheOtherMe]

I'm sorry, Bonny.

Thinking of you.  It is not easy and you have the g/f complication.

[NastyWoman]

I would like to see that check Bonny issued a while back if I were DB just to be sure it did not end up in girlfriends account.  There is some seriously sleazy stuff going on there lately.

[snapdragon]

Sending hugs Bonny.

[Bonny]

Feb 19, 2020 10:22:30 GMT -5 snapdragon said:

Sending hugs Bonny.

Back at you!

[Anne_in_VA]

Hugs Bonny.  This is really difficult, but you’ve certainly done your best for him.

[snapdragon]

Dad was transported to a different hospital yesterday...it is closer to me from work but in a much busier area with paid parking. They are still thinking that Monday is surgery...this hospital has surgeons that are more practiced in the surgery/ies that he needs. 

So we are waiting again. As he says he needs to train everybody again. :-P 

[saveinla]

Feb 21, 2020 11:05:37 GMT -5 snapdragon said:

Dad was transported to a different hospital yesterday...it is closer to me from work but in a much busier area with paid parking. They are still thinking that Monday is surgery...this hospital has surgeons that are more practiced in the surgery/ies that he needs. 

So we are waiting again. As he says he needs to train everybody again. :-P 

Hugs snapdragon. It's hard to wait, but I hope the surgery goes well and you get some good news soon.

[TheOtherMe]

snapdragon    Hugs and do take care of yourself.

I do know how difficult this is.  

[Bonny]

The latest...

After a roller coaster of the gf wanting to take him back again and then saying no, the Dr. at the skilled nursing facility will not release him home because he doesn't have enough support. He still has to agree but it looks like he will go into Long Term Care on Monday. Thankfully they do have a Medi-Cal (Medicaid in CA) for him. No out of pocket cost to the family but he does have to do a cost share. They take all of his monthly income except $35. The Medi-Cal cost is over $8,000/mth.

[Deleted]

Bonny Will the gf have to buy him out or can she just stay in the house for her lifetime? Also, confused here, but if he pays the mortgage (or part of it) can she afford to keep the house?

So sorry that this has been such a long and difficult journey for you, but glad that once he goes to LTC you'll get some relief at last.

snapdragon I'll be thinking positive thoughts for your dad's surgery. Is it still going to be on Monday?

[Bonny]

Feb 22, 2020 12:12:41 GMT -5 @missrigby said:

Bonny Will the gf have to buy him out or can she just stay in the house for her lifetime? Also, confused here, but if he pays the mortgage (or part of it) can she afford to keep the house?

So sorry that this has been such a long and difficult journey for you, but glad that once he goes to LTC you'll get some relief at last.

snapdragon I'll be thinking positive thoughts for your dad's surgery. Is it still going to be on Monday?

They have a reverse mortgage and both have life estates in the house. While there are no mortgage payments due there are still on-going expenses.

I don't know if she'll stay or if she can afford to stay there without his money. It's a big place (2000 sf) on nearly 3 acres which is a lot for an 83 albeit strong woman.

She'll need/want the family's help to clear out Dad's cr*p before she sells. He's basically a hoarder and I don't think there's anything of value. I think it's a job for 800 Got Junk!

[finnime]

Glad your father is going to a place where he'll get the care he needs, Bonny.

[TheOtherMe]

Feb 22, 2020 12:07:49 GMT -5 Bonny said:

The latest...

After a roller coaster of the gf wanting to take him back again and then saying no, the Dr. at the skilled nursing facility will not release him home because he doesn't have enough support. He still has to agree but it looks like he will go into Long Term Care on Monday. Thankfully they do have a Medi-Cal (Medicaid in CA) for him. No out of pocket cost to the family but he does have to do a cost share. They take all of his monthly income except $35. The Medi-Cal cost is over $8,000/mth.

Bonny, this is how my dad ended up in a nursing home.  The hospital would not release him anywhere else.  Dad went in as a full pay patient but didn't even live a month.  Dad didn't have a choice because the hospital would not release him anywhere without a ton of support and nobody could have done it 24/7.  He required care 24/7 by then.

Here in Iowa, if you are on Medicaid, you get to keep a whopping $50 per month.  The legislature is trying to raise it to $60 currently.  

Sounds like his finances are considered without considering those of you or your brother.  

I hope your dad agrees and is getting the kind of care he needs by Monday.

[Bonny]

I just found out Dad closed the bank account that I was joint owner.

This is going to be fun...

[TheOtherMe]

Yes, it is.  Do you still have that check?

[Bonny]

Feb 22, 2020 15:03:11 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Yes, it is.  Do you still have that check?

Lol, I did return it and got the cash. I've been walking around with 11k in my purse for nearly a week!

I'm in AZ until March 9th dealing with house stuff.

[TheOtherMe]

And dad isn't in AZ, which makes the lack of bank access an issue.  

[Bonny]

Feb 22, 2020 16:29:15 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

And dad isn't in AZ, which makes the lack of bank access an issue.  

We'll work it out somehow but as usual with my father it's going to be a PITA.

I take partial responsibility for this situation by quitting but I thought we had an agreement we would leave the account open. I'm reluctant to advance money because I'm afraid the gf is going to keep insisting he pay her like she did before.

[Deleted]

Wait. What? How can the gf insist he pay her anything if she won't allow him back in the house and won't care for him?

[Works4me]

Can you just park the money in a new account until this is all sorted out? Cash is not safe in a care facility and it sounds like neither GF or bro are.

[TheOtherMe]

Feb 22, 2020 16:37:54 GMT -5 Bonny said:

Feb 22, 2020 16:29:15 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

And dad isn't in AZ, which makes the lack of bank access an issue.  

We'll work it out somehow but as usual with my father it's going to be a PITA.

I take partial responsibility for this situation by quitting but I thought we had an agreement we would leave the account open. I'm reluctant to advance money because I'm afraid the gf is going to keep insisting he pay her like she did before.

I would have quit also, but I am with you on advancing money.  

He can't afford to pay her anything now.  

[Bonny]

Feb 22, 2020 16:57:49 GMT -5 Works4me said:

Can you just park the money in a new account until this is all sorted out? Cash is not safe in a care facility and it sounds like neither GF or bro are.

That will probably happen eventually. I had driven down Monday thinking I would be headed to the house to give him the cash when I got the call from the social worker saying he had fallen, broken a rib and was back in skilled nursing.

Then I thought I would be handing the money over to Bro but Dad wanted to be in control. Everyone agrees that having that kind of cash in the facility makes no sense.

Don't know if you know but how does the nursing home for Medi-cal patients get their money? Is the social security check deposited with them?

[Works4me]

Nope, goes to his account. The Responsible Party then writes a check to the facility in the amount of his income minus $30, or however much he is now allowed to keep each month for personal expenses.

[TheOtherMe]

That’s how it worked for my representative payee clients. At present if they have no one to pay their bills the nursing homes are acting as the rep payee

[Wisconsin Beth]

My siblings, Mom and I are worrying about my Dad.  The doctor took him off one heart med and put him on a different one.  Ok, fine. 

The problem is that the new drug is the one my younger brother had a VIOLENT allergic reaction to.  YB took it for 3-4 days and was reporting all sort of reactions that eventually landed him in the hospital for over a week, including overheating and an all over body rash than made any kind of pressure painful, even the sheet over his body.  The first symptom was being warmer than normal in your core.  Dad's got that, but is enjoying it because he's been cold lately.     YB and I had a chat this morning.  We both feel it's a matter of time before Dad moves to the rash stage.  The only good thing about this is that YB still lives with them and is checking in with Dad about it.  The doctor was aware of YB's reaction and said it was a million to 1 reaction.  Which is BS because we're aware of 3 other people having similar reactions to it in our state since YB had his reaction.  And at 81, he's not going to bounce back like YB did. 

[Deleted]

Wisconsin Beth Oh, my. That can't be good. I had some pretty awful side effects from the first couple of rounds of meds before finding the right combination that did the job without making me swell up like a balloon and/or itch.

Is your dad's doc aware of his reaction to the meds?