ilovedolphins
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Post by ilovedolphins on Aug 4, 2019 16:53:38 GMT -5
My life as my parents primary caregiver this year has been total hell. I have been their caregiver for the past 4 years but this year is the most trying year. My dad has had 3 heart attacks and kidney problems. My mom has Parkinsons, dementia, and congestive heart failure.
My dad has been very sick since March and has been in the hospital 3 times this year. My brother and his daughter currently don't have jobs so they had been helping me take care of them. Granted they are not caregiver material and a lot of drama has taken place since May.
Last Saturday my dad and brother got into a shouting match and then again last Monday night. My dad threatened to call the cops on my brother and niece while they were over there trying to apologize. So now my dad has disowned my brother and his family. The main person hurting is my mom because my brother and his niece are her favorites and now they can't come and see her. They were mainly taking care of her and I was taking care of my dad.
My dad has always had the attitude that his opinion is right, his way is right, etc. And a lot of times he can be a giant a...h... We have even gone around many times. Now I am to the point where I am ready to let other people help in his care. Right now he is on hospice but he is getting better so he probably won't stay on it. So I am going to arrange and see if some of the hospice people can take over some of the duties I have been doing.
What breaks my heart the most is that my mom is hurting so much and she doesn't have that long to live. They gave my dad a year also. My dad told me they have had problems before and it all worked out. I told him this time I am afraid that there isn't enough time for this to blow over and too many hurtful things have been said and done.
I am just so emotionally exhausted. I don't ever want my kids to feel this way when I get old.
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ners
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Post by ners on Aug 4, 2019 17:02:50 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Aug 4, 2019 17:25:22 GMT -5
ilovedolphins - where ever your mom is, is she able to leave the home or facility with assistance to visit with your brother and niece?
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Aug 4, 2019 17:33:08 GMT -5
ilovedolphins At the end of mom's life, hospice was in the process of helping us find care for mom. They had recommended 24 hours care, but mom passed before we had to make any telephone calls. I'm so sorry about the drama. I hope there is a way for your mom to see your brother and niece. She deserves that.
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ilovedolphins
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Post by ilovedolphins on Aug 4, 2019 17:35:52 GMT -5
ilovedolphins - where ever your mom is, is she able to leave the home or facility with assistance to visit with your brother and niece? My mom lives at home with my dad. Yes she is able to visit with my brother and niece. I just don't think it will be the same for her going from them practically living at her house taking care of her to a lunch out once in a while or a few walks.
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ilovedolphins
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Post by ilovedolphins on Aug 4, 2019 17:36:59 GMT -5
I'm kind of to the emotional exhaustion point that I start to cry thinking about the situation. Frequently.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Aug 4, 2019 17:41:08 GMT -5
I'm kind of to the emotional exhaustion point that I start to cry thinking about the situation. Frequently. That's where I was by the time mom died. It's okay to feel this way. It really is. It sounds like you need a break you probably can't get right now. Can you pamper yourself in some way?
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Aug 4, 2019 17:42:11 GMT -5
ilovedolphins - where ever your mom is, is she able to leave the home or facility with assistance to visit with your brother and niece? My mom lives at home with my dad. Yes she is able to visit with my brother and niece. I just don't think it will be the same for her going from them practically living at her house taking care of her to a lunch out once in a while or a few walks. Maybe outside caregivers can get him to see how it is hurting your mother? Just a suggestion.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Aug 4, 2019 17:46:18 GMT -5
ilovedolphins - where ever your mom is, is she able to leave the home or facility with assistance to visit with your brother and niece? My mom lives at home with my dad. Yes she is able to visit with my brother and niece. I just don't think it will be the same for her going from them practically living at her house taking care of her to a lunch out once in a while or a few walks. Understood. Sorry you and everyone else is going through this. It's hard.
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ilovedolphins
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Post by ilovedolphins on Aug 4, 2019 17:47:06 GMT -5
As a matter of fact I have decided to try and step back for a while from the duties I can. I don't need to be there when the hospice nurses come....my dad understands everything going on. I am going to see what else I can get help with. My dad thinks that now that he is doing better he won't get bad again. And bad before he went into the hospital in June was myself and my brother having to lift him out of the chair and help him into the bathroom. He couldn't function on his own at all.
I have stayed home most of the day...stopped by parents this morning because my mom wasn't feeling well last night to see how she was and to pick up some of her laundry. I plan to go back up tonight to help her get ready for bed. And now that I spent most of the day home by myself I feel really lonely because I am not used to being in my house anymore.
I prepaid for a Disneyworld vacation in January before all this took place to go in October. I hope I can go because I really need a break.
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ilovedolphins
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Post by ilovedolphins on Aug 4, 2019 17:48:41 GMT -5
My mom lives at home with my dad. Yes she is able to visit with my brother and niece. I just don't think it will be the same for her going from them practically living at her house taking care of her to a lunch out once in a while or a few walks. Maybe outside caregivers can get him to see how it is hurting your mother? Just a suggestion. I wish that would work but my dad doesn't care about other people's feelings. He just told my mom this morning to plan on there being more fights if they come in his house.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2019 18:02:03 GMT -5
I'm kind of to the emotional exhaustion point that I start to cry thinking about the situation. Frequently. I am truly so sorry. I know money makes the world go around and your parents may not be able to afford it, but if they can, it is time for you to step back. Take care of yourself.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Aug 4, 2019 19:38:48 GMT -5
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on Aug 4, 2019 20:10:24 GMT -5
I lost my job, had to quit and about lost my mind dealing with mom. It sounds like they need to be someplace like assisted living, even when I got her there I still had to do so much. I doubt your dad will do it. but if everyone walks away, if hospice leaves, he can't take care of himself or your mom. You know when they get that bad you can try to work with their docs to get them in someplace.
It was after I dealt with that I told hubs no way. I was scared to death he was going to bring his mom here. But I think after he saw what I went through with mom he wasn't about to. He goes to see her even if its for a short time everyday. Last time I saw her she is declining.
I am so sorry, you still have so much more to deal with. I hope you can hold up. Know this is the hardest thing in the world to got through and I'm so sorry for you.
I am going to try everything I can to not do this to my son but its possible he could end up dealing with MIL, hubs, me, and DD. The poor guy will lose his mind. Hubs will be the really tough one
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ilovedolphins
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Post by ilovedolphins on Aug 4, 2019 20:12:59 GMT -5
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buystoys
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Post by buystoys on Aug 5, 2019 6:57:37 GMT -5
I'm kind of to the emotional exhaustion point that I start to cry thinking about the situation. Frequently. Please don't forget to take care of yourself through all this. Would it help to find a therapist to help you work through the emotional turmoil?
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plugginaway22
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Post by plugginaway22 on Aug 5, 2019 7:05:34 GMT -5
Sorry for all that you are going through, must be so difficult. On a practical note, have you purchased trip insurance in case you are unable to go on your vacation?
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ilovedolphins
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Post by ilovedolphins on Aug 5, 2019 12:39:59 GMT -5
Sorry for all that you are going through, must be so difficult. On a practical note, have you purchased trip insurance in case you are unable to go on your vacation? No I did not. In January when I paid for it things were going great. Oh well....I'll see how it turns out.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Aug 5, 2019 15:15:43 GMT -5
You might check in to it, if you want. It can probably still be added.
Most travel insurance won't cover your illness if it's pre-existing, but it would still cover death of a family member.
I added it to a trip in case my dad dies. He is 95. I told them why I wanted it and they said it was my health that would disqualify me, not his.
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jerseygirl
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Post by jerseygirl on Aug 5, 2019 16:13:54 GMT -5
Travel insurance will cover if the pre existing condition becomes significantly worse. Eg heart condition is pre existing but if person is hospitalized then it’s covered. At least for the travel insurance I bought
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stillmovingforward
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Post by stillmovingforward on Aug 5, 2019 20:34:31 GMT -5
As hard as it is, you might want to NOT skip that vacation. You're going to need it. You have to put on your oxygen mask first. Dad can deal with thr people in his house (your brother) while toy are gone.
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bookkeeper
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Post by bookkeeper on Aug 6, 2019 13:01:43 GMT -5
Taking a step back is a good idea. The individuals involved need to understand you get a day off once in a while. You can't serve from an empty vessel and it sounds like yours is running dry.
I went through a time nursing my father through a long illness. My older brother and I were the caregivers for both our mother and father. At one point, after being rather unappreciated, I let the circus run itself for a while. Took about a week for all the parties to straighten up their little acts and get along. They all figured out they didn't want to lose the only other help they had.
Good luck to you, but remember to take care of yourself. You are a priority as well as your parents.
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snapdragon
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Post by snapdragon on Aug 7, 2019 11:41:48 GMT -5
As a matter of fact I have decided to try and step back for a while from the duties I can. I don't need to be there when the hospice nurses come....my dad understands everything going on. I am going to see what else I can get help with. My dad thinks that now that he is doing better he won't get bad again. And bad before he went into the hospital in June was myself and my brother having to lift him out of the chair and help him into the bathroom. He couldn't function on his own at all. I have stayed home most of the day...stopped by parents this morning because my mom wasn't feeling well last night to see how she was and to pick up some of her laundry. I plan to go back up tonight to help her get ready for bed. And now that I spent most of the day home by myself I feel really lonely because I am not used to being in my house anymore. I prepaid for a Disneyworld vacation in January before all this took place to go in October. I hope I can go because I really need a break.I am going to be firm with you. TAKE THE BREAK AND LEAVE. When I went to see my mom at hospice in early June 2017 I could tell that she wasn't going to get out of there. I did let them know that I was going to a wedding out of the country the next month. Everything was paid for and I was not going to miss the chance to go somewhere out of country. My mom had heard about it earlier and was excited for me to be traveling. I got home that night and the following day I got the phone call that she had passed. I still went to the wedding. I needed the break and there was nothing that I could do anyway. The wheels turn slowly after someone passes. Being able to reset and just take in a different environment was really helpful. So please take time for yourself. You sound really worn and tired.
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ilovedolphins
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Post by ilovedolphins on Aug 8, 2019 12:50:18 GMT -5
It's like my whole world revolves around my parent's healthcare. My job is showing it....I can't get to work on time, work my full shifts, not take 6 phone calls a day, not make mistakes...etc.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 8, 2019 13:31:59 GMT -5
You'd need to read the paperwork but I believe that when my grandfather had cancer my dad was able to apply for FMLA because it was his father. That way his job was protected in some fashion for at least a year.
Yeah at some point you need to get your work done and not screw up, but taking the steps so you have documentation of why things have been the way they are and having the option of putting it into action is never a bad thing.
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ners
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Post by ners on Aug 8, 2019 22:43:59 GMT -5
Sick parents are eligible for FMLA. FMLA protects your job for 12 weeks of time off. (Paid or unpaid) You may want to look into FMLA protection if your company is large enough.
FMLA eligibility requires the following criteria: The employee must have been employed with the company for 12 months. The employee must have worked at least 1,250 hours during the 12 months prior to the start of FMLA leave. The employer is one who employs 50 or more employees within a 75-mile radius of the worksite.
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spartan7886
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Post by spartan7886 on Aug 9, 2019 8:33:07 GMT -5
And intermittent FMLA is a thing. You don't have to take it all at once, you can spread your 12 weeks out.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 9, 2019 11:10:51 GMT -5
And intermittent FMLA is a thing. You don't have to take it all at once, you can spread your 12 weeks out. Yep, my sister has used it with her FIL, before passing the buck onto her husband and BILs.
ETA - using intermittent FMLA for his doctor appointments also allowed her to tap in her SL bank instead of VAC. Our employer still does separate VAC and SL banks instead of PTO.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Aug 9, 2019 12:03:28 GMT -5
And intermittent FMLA is a thing. You don't have to take it all at once, you can spread your 12 weeks out. Yep, my sister has used it with her FIL, before passing the buck onto her husband and BILs.
ETA - using intermittent FMLA for his doctor appointments also allowed her to tap in her SL bank instead of VAC. Our employer still does separate VAC and SL banks instead of PTO.
I'm not trying to nitpick words, but I wish more women would "pass the buck" to their husbands to care for their aging parents instead of just taking that on because...I don't know, we can.
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ners
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Post by ners on Aug 9, 2019 12:44:02 GMT -5
In-Laws are not covered by FMLA.
Parent
Parent means a biological, adoptive, step or foster father or
mother, or any other individual who stood in loco parentis to the
employee when the employee was a child. This term does not
include parents-in-law.
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