Aging Parent Support Thread

[ners]

Bonny  Sorry you are going thru this.  

[TheOtherMe]

Hugs Bonny

[debthaven]

I'm sorry Bonny.

[Ava]

It's been almost a month since my mother arrived. I would say she has definitely changed her attitude for the better.

She's less confrontational and more accepting of things I cannot change, like my long commute or the hours I have to be at work. I can't cut my hours short, I have a 1 hour drive each way. She doesn't complain anymore about feeling lonely or bored. She does some exercises the doctor showed her for her back and her foot. She cooks, does some light cleaning, plays scrabble, listens to the radio. She says she's keeping busy.

I still have to drive her to the YMCA every day but I found a different route, takes longer but it's not crazy traffic at 5 o'clock like the main road.

So that helps, tough I honestly hate coming home after working a full time schedule and having to head out again.

She helps a lot with the house and cooking. She's good company for the most part, though I have zero privacy while she's here.

We go to the beach on weekends, and we have tickets for a couple of shows. We'll go for a week to a beach town during the first week of September.
Last year, I talked to her about her bad attitude and how demanding it was for me to have her here. She didn't pay me any attention. Then my brother had a serious conversation with her. She still came for 3 full months but with a better attitude.
I always tell myself to treasure the time we have together because life is short and unpredictable.

[debthaven]

I still have to drive her to the YMCA every day

I'm glad your mom has a better attitude and that things are going better with her this summer. But every day is HUGE! Can you cut it down to 3 times a week?

If your mom really needs to go to the YMCA 5 times a week, maybe you and/or your mom can pay for an Uber the other 2 days, and she can go there while you're at work? I know money is tight but it would be worth it once or twice a week, for your own sanity.  

You're still working FT, you deserve to be able to just relax sometimes!

Or else maybe you can find another activity (ideally just for her) closer to home 2 days/week so you wouldn't have to drive her anywhere?

Do you have a LOCAL gym? Most gyms here offer short-term contracts. Maybe she could do that instead, during the day when you're at work. Or a Spanish-speaking meetup group? ANYTHING that wouldn't require you to go out EVERY day after work. That's so unfair to you!

Seriously, Ava ... I have 4 (adult) kids (younger than you). But I could not in my wildest dreams imagine making them drive me ANYWHERE every day for 3 months when they get home from work. That's crazy!

I truly hope this doesn't offend you, but I'm guessing that your brother got involved because it's probably a vacation for him when your mom is with you, and he wants (and probably needs) that break. I'm sure you both love her very much, but your mom is very demanding!

[Ava]

No, my mom is very demanding here in the US. When she's back home she's not. She drives and has plenty of activities. Here there's not much she can do with her back and foot issues. My brother does not take care of her since she's capable of doing everything by herself back home. They get together for lunch every week or so, and he sometimes goes with her grocery shopping if there are heavy items to carry, maybe one a month, that's it.

My brother had a conversation with her because I called him last summer crying and he understands how hard it can be. She's not like that back home but she has a strong personality and is extremely stubborn. Anyway, at least things have improved this time. I'm not complaining, it is really better. Yes, I am tired of all the driving but it's the only way to get around here. There isn't much for her to do. She goes to the YMCA because it's the only club with a pool. The only exercises she can do are swimming or acqua gym.

[debthaven]

OK. I still think it's already really really kind of you to take her 3 times a week after work, but it's your call.

I would prefer to pay for an Uber once or twice a week and enjoy my time alone, but that's me. I recognize that I don't function well when I'm too overwhelmed, and that would certainly overwhelm me.

[buystoys]

So sorry that you got bad news, Bonny.

I"m glad it's going better this summer, Ava.  Sorry you are still running yourself ragged.

[taz157]

Jul 14, 2019 8:29:12 GMT -5 buystoys said:

So sorry that you got bad news, Bonny.

I"m glad it's going better this summer, Ava.  Sorry you are still running yourself ragged.

Yeah that. ((((Hugs)))) ladies

[Bonny]

The revocation of the Durable POA came in the mail today dated Monday.

[TheOtherMe]

I'm sorry Bonny

[stillmovingforward]

I'm sorry bonnie. That's rough. It sounds like your husband has the right idea to disengage.

[buystoys]

So, so sorry to hear that Bonny.  It sounds like it's time to complete disengage and let the chips fall as they may.

[Bonny]

Jul 19, 2019 18:46:53 GMT -5 stillmovingforward said:

I'm sorry bonnie. That's rough. It sounds like your husband has the right idea to disengage.

Actually he wants to go nuclear by threatening the illegal alien to quit or he'll report her to ICE. It will get his mother into trouble too because she's knowingly employing an illegal alien and paying her under the table.

I think the attorney's advice to step back, get some counseling and start the conservatorship is probably the best path. Can't remember if I posted that MIL's 77 year old sister will be her caregiver while the regular caregiver is on vacation the first two weeks in September. I don't think the sister will be able to handle MIL for two weeks.

I'm going to suggest to DH that he talk with his aunt and offer to buy her ticket if she needs to leave. She has no money and therefore is in debt to MIL. Having aunt's agreement with the conservatorship process will be helpful.

[TheOtherMe]

Knowing that the about the caretaker being knowingly hired by your MIL all these years and has probably convinced your MIL to sign everything over to her by now, I'd probably feel like your husband.  

Hopefully the SIL can see the situation for what it is and help out.  

[Bonny]

Jul 20, 2019 15:03:28 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Knowing that the about the caretaker being knowingly hired by your MIL all these years and has probably convinced your MIL to sign everything over to her by now, I'd probably feel like your husband.  

Hopefully the SIL can see the situation for what it is and help out.  

We still have the ability to view MIL's main banking account as there is a separate POA for the bank. I've been checking her accounts every few days looking for unusual activity, specifically large transfers to the caregiver and so far there isn't any.

[TheOtherMe]

That's a good thing.  Don't let MIL know that is a separate POA, right?

[Bonny]

Jul 20, 2019 17:09:02 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

That's a good thing.  Don't let MIL know that is a separate POA, right?

Absolutely not!

[debthaven]

But if you see that money transferred, at that point, it's been transferred, no? I can see how you would want to see what's going on, but I don't see how you could get that money back at that point.

It sounds like your MIL did this out of spite, because you and your DH tried to reason with her, while the caretaker said "Amen" to everything.

I'm really sorry Bonny.

Good luck with the "conservatorship". (I had to google it.)

[TheOtherMe]

I think if the money is transferred out of MIL's account, depending on where it went and who did it, that person can be prosecuted.  

It's considered financial elder abuse here and I've seen it prosecuted for people taking $5,000 from an elderly relative.  The law here is if a person takes $100 or more it's considered financial elder abuse and it's a felony.  Some of the people who have been charged have been the heirs.  They couldn't wait for the person to die (or they were afraid there would be none left by the time Grandma or Grandpa died).  

Ever since I took over dad's checkbook, both my sister and I have receipts (which I maintain) for any money we pay for with his debit card.  It's all been for him.

[countrygirl2]

Why would she be in trouble? Political officials hire illegals all the time and don't even get their hands smacked.  I wouldn't worry about that part.  Wow, so many lose their mental abilities when old, its just so sad.  We have seen that to, but MIL didn't have that much and like mom it all went for their care.

[obelisk]

Finally I feel like I got accepted in my Asian family. After 10 years of monthly summer vacations, my father in law gave me a key to the house, but wait there is more, I received a red envelope with 600 RMB almost a 100USD to be used for snacks.  Refusing the red envelope would mean disrespecting the family. All is great!!!!

[CCL]

Jul 21, 2019 17:53:54 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

I think if the money is transferred out of MIL's account, depending on where it went and who did it, that person can be prosecuted.  

It's considered financial elder abuse here and I've seen it prosecuted for people taking $5,000 from an elderly relative.  The law here is if a person takes $100 or more it's considered financial elder abuse and it's a felony.  Some of the people who have been charged have been the heirs.  They couldn't wait for the person to die (or they were afraid there would be none left by the time Grandma or Grandpa died).  

Ever since I took over dad's checkbook, both my sister and I have receipts (which I maintain) for any money we pay for with his debit card.  It's all been for him.

But were there any actual consequences for the culprits or did they pay anything back? IME, they get away with it.

[TheOtherMe]

There haven been consequences for some.  Others are ordered to pay it back as part of a plea deal.  

They are now convicted felons so they get to deal with that for the rest of their lives.

A well-known realtor lost her real estate license over her conviction.  That most likely means she can't pay the money back but she is no longer a realtor.

[Bonny]

Jul 21, 2019 17:53:54 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

I think if the money is transferred out of MIL's account, depending on where it went and who did it, that person can be prosecuted.  

It's considered financial elder abuse here and I've seen it prosecuted for people taking $5,000 from an elderly relative.  The law here is if a person takes $100 or more it's considered financial elder abuse and it's a felony.  Some of the people who have been charged have been the heirs.  They couldn't wait for the person to die (or they were afraid there would be none left by the time Grandma or Grandpa died).  

Ever since I took over dad's checkbook, both my sister and I have receipts (which I maintain) for any money we pay for with his debit card.  It's all been for him.

Caretaker's sister wrote a check for $500 on one of MIL's other checking accounts and took it to a check cashing place. MIL noticed it, called the cops and there was video from the check cashing place. This was several years ago and I haven't gotten an update as to what happened to the sister. MIL did get her money back.

Supposedly caregiver's daughter "stole" from MIL and no longer works for MIL on the weekends. I suspect what really happened was MIL leant money to the daughter, she was unable to pay it back and now MIL says she "stole" the money.

MIL has done this kind of thing before. She doesn't understand (or accept) that when you make these kinds of unsecured personal loans they are higher risk, hence the higher interest rate than a money market. I'm sure I've told the story (and maybe earlier in this thread!) that I once borrowed money from MIL before I married DH. She offered I didn't ask. I paid the loan on time every month and paid the balance off early. She complained because she couldn't invest the money at as high a rate as she was charging me.  

[TheOtherMe]

So she didn't want to be paid back early?  That's funny.

You are watching her bank account for large amounts of money going to caretaker, correct?  Then you would alert the bank?

[countrygirl2]

If your name isn't on the account.  I'm not sure what you can do, is it?

[Bonny]

Jul 22, 2019 13:58:22 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

So she didn't want to be paid back early?  That's funny.

You are watching her bank account for large amounts of money going to caretaker, correct?  Then you would alert the bank?

Any large amount or regular payments that don't make sense.

[Bonny]

Jul 22, 2019 14:49:34 GMT -5 countrygirl2 said:

If your name isn't on the account.  I'm not sure what you can do, is it?

Since we still have the bank's POA we can bring it to the bank's attention to research it. We did share a financial advisor for a while but MIL may have switched to someone else at the same bank.

[TheOtherMe]

Here's to nothing happening with the bank account that needs to be brought to the bank's attention.