Aging Parent Support Thread

[countrygirl2]

My husband goes and visits his mom in assisted living about every 3rd day.  He is in town anyway so goes by.  He sits and listens to all the stuff she and her sister tell him over and over, I can't do it.  But he too is a good son and does.  For now she seems to be doing ok, she is 92 and her sister 90.

[countrygirl2]

I doubt my son is as good as either of you.  He was gone for to many years and though we stayed in touch being gone over 30 or more years and not visiting regularly puts distant.  I can count on my hands the number of times we saw each other.  Since he has moved back home we do talk a lot more even if its on PM.  He is like his dad not a person that talks a lot. And of course, not much about his job.

[countrygirl2]

Moreso everyday, he is even turning out to be a good carpenter.  He just doesn't have much time to do that type of thing.

[Ava]

My mother fell on the stairs a week ago.

Now she's in lots of pain and trying to figure out what's wrong and whether she'll be able to come visit me this year. Looks like she has more back issues.

I am leaning towards telling her no, don't come. Sitting on an airplane for 14 hours or so won't do her any good. Once here she'll be even less mobile than she already is. 
She buys traveler's health insurance when she visits, but it doesn't cover much. So if she's not fully recovered by then, I'll either have to ship her back in a lot of pain, or seek treatment here at who knows what cost.

She's adamant she's coming anyway but judging by the pain she's experiencing, I don't think she'll be able to.

I also feel that big changes will have to take place very soon.

She has a cleaning person who's nice and very reliable in the sense that we feel comfortable with her having a key or being alone in my mother's home. But she's totally unreliable in actually showing up for work and she leads a life full of drama. She's supposed to clean once a week but hasn't showed up in a month.
According to my mother, the house is filthy. My mother is now unable to clean. She's managed to go out and buy groceries, and cook, but that's about it. Besides that, she lives alone. The pain and lack of mobility is already causing isolation. I don't like this at all.

[debthaven]

I'm so sorry about your mom Ava . I don't know when she was planning to come, but it may be too early to decide if she can fly or not. You may just have to just wait and see.

BUT, since you don't know how things will go, this may be the opportunity to tell your mom that you can't risk having her here for 4 months in pain/bad health, so she should come a month later, and plan to spend 3 months with you instead of 4.

So I'd use this as an opportunity to reduce her annual 4-month visit to 3 months. If the shorter visit goes well, you can plan on that in future (but I wouldn't tell your mom that).

We just spent 13 days based at our DS1's house, with a trip in the middle. DH and I arrived there, spent 4 nights at their house, 4 nights just DH and I elsewhere with my sister, 1 more night at their house, 2 nights elsewhere all together, then 2 more nights at their place, and then we flew home.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE my kids and they love me too. But I just. cannot. imagine. spending 4 months living with any of them.

ETA: If you can both afford the airfare, I think it would be MUCH better for both of you for her to come twice a year instead of once, for a MUCH shorter visit.

[mmhmm]

Apr 30, 2019 20:02:41 GMT -5 Ava said:

My mother fell on the stairs a week ago.

Now she's in lots of pain and trying to figure out what's wrong and whether she'll be able to come visit me this year. Looks like she has more back issues.

I am leaning towards telling her no, don't come. Sitting on an airplane for 14 hours or so won't do her any good. Once here she'll be even less mobile than she already is. 
She buys traveler's health insurance when she visits, but it doesn't cover much. So if she's not fully recovered by then, I'll either have to ship her back in a lot of pain, or seek treatment here at who knows what cost.

She's adamant she's coming anyway but judging by the pain she's experiencing, I don't think she'll be able to.

I also feel that big changes will have to take place very soon.

She has a cleaning person who's nice and very reliable in the sense that we feel comfortable with her having a key or being alone in my mother's home. But she's totally unreliable in actually showing up for work and she leads a life full of drama. She's supposed to clean once a week but hasn't showed up in a month.
According to my mother, the house is filthy. My mother is now unable to clean. She's managed to go out and buy groceries, and cook, but that's about it. Besides that, she lives alone. The pain and lack of mobility is already causing isolation. I don't like this at all.

Isn't there other family who could take turns helping your mom? Might be time to make a couple of calls letting them know they're really needed and are slacking on their responsibilities.

[Ava]

May 1, 2019 18:35:15 GMT -5 debthaven said:

I'm so sorry about your mom Ava . I don't know when she was planning to come, but it may be too early to decide if she can fly or not. You may just have to just wait and see.

BUT, since you don't know how things will go, this may be the opportunity to tell your mom that you can't risk having her here for 4 months in pain/bad health, so she should come a month later, and plan to spend 3 months with you instead of 4.

So I'd use this as an opportunity to reduce her annual 4-month visit to 3 months. If the shorter visit goes well, you can plan on that in future (but I wouldn't tell your mom that).

We just spent 13 days based at our DS1's house, with a trip in the middle. DH and I arrived there, spent 4 nights at their house, 4 nights just DH and I elsewhere with my sister, 1 more night at their house, 2 nights elsewhere all together, then 2 more nights at their place, and then we flew home.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE my kids and they love me too. But I just. cannot. imagine. spending 4 months living with any of them.

ETA: If you can both afford the airfare, I think it would be MUCH better for both of you for her to come twice a year instead of once, for a MUCH shorter visit.

Airfare is expensive and the trip is really really long. Think 24 hours door to door. It's exhausting. I wouldn't even think of doing that trip twice in the same year, and I'm 30 years younger than her.

[Ava]

May 5, 2019 11:05:33 GMT -5 mmhmm said:

Apr 30, 2019 20:02:41 GMT -5 Ava said:

My mother fell on the stairs a week ago.

Now she's in lots of pain and trying to figure out what's wrong and whether she'll be able to come visit me this year. Looks like she has more back issues.

I am leaning towards telling her no, don't come. Sitting on an airplane for 14 hours or so won't do her any good. Once here she'll be even less mobile than she already is. 
She buys traveler's health insurance when she visits, but it doesn't cover much. So if she's not fully recovered by then, I'll either have to ship her back in a lot of pain, or seek treatment here at who knows what cost.

She's adamant she's coming anyway but judging by the pain she's experiencing, I don't think she'll be able to.

I also feel that big changes will have to take place very soon.

She has a cleaning person who's nice and very reliable in the sense that we feel comfortable with her having a key or being alone in my mother's home. But she's totally unreliable in actually showing up for work and she leads a life full of drama. She's supposed to clean once a week but hasn't showed up in a month.
According to my mother, the house is filthy. My mother is now unable to clean. She's managed to go out and buy groceries, and cook, but that's about it. Besides that, she lives alone. The pain and lack of mobility is already causing isolation. I don't like this at all.

Isn't there other family who could take turns helping your mom? Might be time to make a couple of calls letting them know they're really needed and are slacking on their responsibilities.

The only other person who would be responsible is my brother. 
He has a full time job and a family. He's a great guy but definitely not the nurturing type at all.
He drops by approx. once a week, helps her do groceries, and anything she needs like bringing down items she can't reach, etc.
There's nobody else to help.

[Ava]

My mother went to the doctor and now she's doing a series of injectables for the pain.

Apparently there isn't any further damage due to the fall, but it triggered a lot of pain.

We are in a wait and see attitude until she finishes the injectables on Wednesday. Somehow I don't believe it will work.

I expressed my concerns to her about the length of the stay and whether she'll be up to the trip. She won't make any decision until she finishes with the injectables.

If she comes she's going to up the amount of health insurance for the travel, in case she needs to seek treatment here.

[TheOtherMe]

As many times as you have said over the years how the summer visits suck the life out of you, I would get the visits cut way down.  

I know nobody, not even my own mother, would be staying with me 3 or 4 months every year.  Nobody.  

[Ava]

I wish it was so cut and dry.
My mother is in her late seventies. You know how stubborn, hard headed and inflexible they become with age.
The only way to cut the long visits and the daily phone calls would be to cut her off completely.

It took me a long time to understand it but that's where she's at mentally and emotionally

I could never do that. She was never affectionate and mostly ignored me growing up, but she worked like crazy and raised two kids completely alone.
My brother and I are good members of society so she must have done something righ t

Fortunately she now hired someone to clean, cook and run errands twice a week.
It's one of my cousins who took care of her after surgery and they get along great.
She's still thinking of coming but for s shorter visit. I think she should skip this year.

[TheOtherMe]

I couldn't cut her off completely, but I could cut off the long visits.  

My parents were quite put out when I moved to a small condo without an extra bedroom for them.  They were the only overnight guests I ever had so I didn't even look for a place just for them.  They ended up staying at a hotel and the visits got much shorter.  That was exactly what I wanted.  

Nothing wrong with daily phone calls if you want to do that but you are in charge of what happens in your own home.  

[countrygirl2]

Gosh I'm in my early 70's am I becoming inflexible and hard headed?  Ha! Ha!

[Ava]

Well, my mom's problem with the fall was her foot. She hurt it but it wasn't a fracture, fortunately.

So she's going for physiotherapy which is 10 days, and already has her new flight schedule.

She'll arrive on June 15 and leave September 15. 

Time for me to change my work schedule to very early mornings and to get us signed up for the YMCA.

I like having her here. She's good company and I know she enjoys being here, particularly when it's winter back home.

My main issues are all the driving I have to do, and the fact that my schedules get disrupted for months. Then it's tough to get back on track when she leaves. That's a constant struggle in my life.
I don't want to complain too much. I know I'm lucky she's still around, mentally sound and willing to spend time with me. Not everybody has that luxury.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

I've not read this thread yet. I'm going to post this situation and then go through the thread. I appreciate that this thread is here for me to share this. 
I just needed to get this out. I'm not even sure if I'm seeking anything. 

My MIL, age 87, has caused quite the scene this weekend. I do realize that my reaction to this situation shows my crass-ness:

MIL loves to cause a dramatic scene. She thinks it's hilarious. She just wants to be the center of attention. She lies in small ways to cause family trouble. She tells people absolutely ridiculous things under the guise of "helping". 

My MIL has been "dying" for the last ten to 12 years. There are various reasons. Some physical and some more spiritual. There have been at least four instances in the past decade during which she has said "This is it." 

This weekend was number five. She called DH last night to tell him that six weeks ago she was given six months to live. She didn't tell anyone because she didn't want DH's sister to cut short her cross-country RV trip. SIL is on her way home now--as planned, so MIL decided to call each of her children to tell them that she has five months to live. She told DH that he was the last one to know because she didn't think she could trust him to keep it a secret. 

DH texted his sister this morning to ask her if she thought this really was "it". SIL had no idea what he was talking about. Her husband had to pull the motor home over. 

Now, we have no idea what's going on. DH is so upset that he upset his sister. 

[Ava]

May 27, 2019 11:19:47 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

I've not read this thread yet. I'm going to post this situation and then go through the thread. I appreciate that this thread is here for me to share this. 
I just needed to get this out. I'm not even sure if I'm seeking anything. 

My MIL, age 87, has caused quite the scene this weekend. I do realize that my reaction to this situation shows my crass-ness:

MIL loves to cause a dramatic scene. She thinks it's hilarious. She just wants to be the center of attention. She lies in small ways to cause family trouble. She tells people absolutely ridiculous things under the guise of "helping". 

My MIL has been "dying" for the last ten to 12 years. There are various reasons. Some physical and some more spiritual. There have been at least four instances in the past decade during which she has said "This is it." 

This weekend was number five. She called DH last night to tell him that six weeks ago she was given six months to live. She didn't tell anyone because she didn't want DH's sister to cut short her cross-country RV trip. SIL is on her way home now--as planned, so MIL decided to call each of her children to tell them that she has five months to live. She told DH that he was the last one to know because she didn't think she could trust him to keep it a secret. 

DH texted his sister this morning to ask her if she thought this really was "it". SIL had no idea what he was talking about. Her husband had to pull the motor home over. 

Now, we have no idea what's going on. DH is so upset that he upset his sister. 

Welcome to the thread.
Sounds like MIL has a difficult personality and it doesn't get any easier as people age. It's possible her cognitive abilities are declining at age 87. Hang tight, it won't be an easy ride for you or your husband.

[mollyanna58]

Knee Deep in Water Chloe: It sounds like your SIL has heard this routine before, if this is the fifth "this is it".

Perhaps your husband or one of his siblings should talk to your MIL about a medical POA. Tell her it will make things easier for her if someone else can take on some of the burden of talking to doctors for her.  If it is unfortunately true that she has only a few months to live, she may welcome the help.  If she is just seeking attention, she'll probably hem and haw and say it isn't necessary.  Either way, you may get a better idea of the truth.

[NoNamePerson]

Been reading this thread off and on for a while now. But I'm reading with the thought in mind that I am one of those "aging parents". Interesting thoughts and solutions here.

[stillmovingforward]

I'm not quite an aging parent and I'm already prepping my life and kids!

[plugginaway22]

I am following because my 80 year old parents are starting to decline...sad to watch.

[countrygirl2]

We will be aging kids, taking care of aging parent. I hate for the time to come for son to have to deal with us. But its not that many years away.  I hope we are still ok into our mid 80's at least, but son will be 60 then and his son will be 14, when he will really need his dad. MIL will be 102, wouldn't surprise me if she will still be kicking.

[Bonny]

I've held off updating even though I've been home for over a week. I'm still depressed and angry but resigned to the fact that I've done my best.

On the one hand Dad is doing a little better and can actually hear a little better even without his hearing aid. The doctor has told him that he doesn't need to see her every month, he can now push out the office visit to every other month.

We went to the facility again that I found for him and had lunch. It was nice and Dad enjoyed the food. One of the Sales Directors joined us as we finished. She was very nice and there was no pressure. Prior to going in I asked Dad what was his plan for his living arrangement. He said he was going to stay at the house as long as he can and then commit suicide.

I rejected the guilt trip as well as some of the other little "baits" such as telling me how the girlfriend's daughter was going to give him some kind of technology. Since Dad doesn't type (that was women's work) it's a waste of time. It will just go into one of the junk piles, either in their house or the garage. He wanted me to take some pots. I took the best ones and offered to donate to one of the local charities. No. He wants to give them to someone he knows. That means I'll be dealing with it when he's too incapacitated.

I told both him and the gf that I'm reducing my visits back to once a quarter. The 1300 mile RT commute is taking its toll on me and my husband is complaining about it. Dad seemed to understand but I think the gf was a little surprised. I'm still involved as his POA, on the Health Directive and have on-line access for his Kaiser stuff. I prepared a spreadsheet with Dad's appts and the responsible party after getting feedback from my brother and uncle. To my brother's credit he's signed up to visit for June, July and October. I have August, uncle is saying maybe September. Girlfriend is getting stuck with the majority as there is a minimum of three appointments per month. We'll see how long the situation lasts.

And MIL can't go for long without creating drama. She called DH last week and demanded that he come up and take care of her for a week starting Aug 12th when her caregiver goes on vacation. DH told her couldn't as he already had plans. My birthday is the 10th and we are attending my 40th H.S. reunion in San Diego. She got really angry, insulted him and hung up on him. I suggested that he could fly home on the 12th be home for a couple of days and then fly up on the 14th or 15th when I drive home. We're having some issues with our cat who is in full anxiety mode and trying to give her some consistency. DH doesn't want to give in to MIL's demands and wants to force the issue that her living situation isn't working. As an aside I don't think I've updated the thread since he visited her in early May. She is talking about getting a 4th dog and the house already smells like a kennel as the dogs are peeing and pooping in the house every day.

This situation just sucks and there's nothing more to do until the crisis happens. But I am moving on with my life and having started planning my fall hike. I will be on the trail for two weeks. If the fit hits the shan while I'm away, oh well. People get to live with their choices.

[TheOtherMe]

Hugs Bonny

IMO, the situation with my dad sucks, although not nearly as much as your situation.  My sister has made decisions I don't agree with, so now they are on her as far as I'm concerned.  

She doesn't like it, but I reached my limit.  It's going to take a crisis to change anything.

She did get him to get new shoes, but he says they hurt his feet.  Well, they are not going to feel like shoes you have worn holes through the soles and are totally broken down.  She did say she took the old shoes away.  

[buystoys]

Sending hugs to all of you who are dealing with failing parents.  I don't participate on this thread, but I do read it every time someone has an update.

[countrygirl2]

We had to force MIL and his aunt to leave their homes.  It was horrible.  His aunt settled in quickly and easily no drama even though I'm still at blame I'm sure.  His mom still lashes out at times.  We tried with mom and his to let them decide when, it never happens.  At some point you just have to do it, be strong.  Like I said some will be happy, some will hate your guts, so be it.

[Bonny]

Jun 3, 2019 18:33:55 GMT -5 countrygirl2 said:

We had to force MIL and his aunt to leave their homes.  It was horrible.  His aunt settled in quickly and easily no drama even though I'm still at blame I'm sure.  His mom still lashes out at times.  We tried with mom and his to let them decide when, it never happens.  At some point you just have to do it, be strong.  Like I said some will be happy, some will hate your guts, so be it.

How do you "force" someone who doesn't want to go. Based on the tests Dad took both with his doctor and at the retirement home he's not incompetent. "His" sections of the house would qualify for hoarders but if the gf is willing to put up with it I don't think we're ready for the Adult Protection Services.

[Bonny]

Update on the MIL situation.

We think she's spiraling down. Sunday I was getting off the phone with my Bff when her call came in. DH normally calls at 9:00am every Sunday. She left a message at 9:01 stating she didn't get his call, didn't know where he was and was walking her dogs. DH was trying to call her while she was leaving the message, spoke to her briefly and said she was too upset to speak with him. They agreed he would call at 7:15 Monday. When he called her yesterday she launched into her tirade about how he upset her caregiver, she must have raised him badly and then hung up on him. She then sent an e-mail that she no longer wanted contact with him for a while because they had "no common interests".

I've been on DH's case about the need for him to contact her psychologist about how to manage her. He's finally written an e-mail with examples of the behavior. He's at his wit's end and wants to walk away. The emotional abuse is taking its toll on him and in turn, on us.

The latest piece of high drama is a plan dealing with the caregiver and MIL's dogs. And of course MIL is telling the caregiver and DH two different stories. In the version she told DH, she wanted the caregiver and her family to move into MIL's house in order to not displace the three dogs. MIL's estate is supposed to support them for as long as they want to live there. This is presumably supposed to happen when MIL dies (since she's never going to leave her house). Caregiver told DH that MIL said she would help them buy a house. Caregiver and partner are looking for a house now and it sounds like the expectation is that MIL will help with the down payment. I told DH that the three of need to sit down and discuss the situation together and openly discuss expectations and limitations. I think caregiver is going to be disappointed when MIL clarifies she means that caregiver gets her money when MIL dies. It makes no sense that caregiver gets an up-front payment when it could be years before something happens to MIL. Even a written contract isn't going to be a lot of help here. As I mentioned earlier, caregiver is in the country illegally. Given the current political climate there's no telling what could happen if she gets swept up in some kind of round up.

[countrygirl2]

Wow, that is a real mess, wouldn't know where to go with that.

We took MIL to the assisted living, we did get her to sign.  I think I may have had to take her twice.  But we went to court and got guardianship, she didn't really know what was going on, but yes she had to sign!  Made no sense at all.


We knew she would be impossible to deal with, despite all the drama her sister didn't require that. 

[raeoflyte]

My grandfather kept calling the police that he had spilled oil on the ground (he hadn't).  They worked with my mom, but they did take him to the hospital for a psych eval which is how he was eventually moved in an alzheimers facility and then eventually assisted living once his meds were better regulated.  So that was how he was forced out of his home.  

[TheOtherMe]

Dad doesn't call anyone at this point, so that's not going to happen.

We had him evaluated for dementia and got told he's okay to be on his own and his dementia is "normal" for his age.  Sister (POA) says he has told her he doesn't want to move, just wants to die there in his apartment.  

I think he should be in assisted living and we could talk him in to it.  

However, I've been told I have no say in the matter.

I'm sorry, Bonny.  You and your DH are each dealing with a parent who needs help.