Aging Parent Support Thread

[TheOtherMe]

    

I do hope you can get him moved in to a facility very soon.  

[countrygirl2]

If you find a good one, he will be happier.  And since there aren't as many men, the old ladies will all dote on him.  LOL!

[wvugurl26]

I hope you can get him moved 3/2. I'm sure it is very difficult for you.

[countrygirl2]

I hope things are going forward with your dad.  

[Bonny]

OK I've been back for a couple of days and have taken some time to process stuff.

His birthday last Saturday went well. He seemed happy and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves.

Apparently on Sunday the g/f told him he needed to move but since I wasn't there I don't know what she said. He was cooperative for his assessments but when I told him my brother and I were ready to move furniture this weekend he got very, very angry. He said he wasn't ready and that HE would make the decision where he was going. He said he felt betrayed.

What was weird was that he said he had no idea this was happening and why there was such a rush. He claimed he didn't remember the melt-down back in December and no recollection of talking to the Dr. in January.

Then the g/f said he could stay another month if he "behaved"

I did learn something while I was there. I think her most recent melt-down was due to a fall he had about two weeks before. She really can't cope with everything going on.

I'll be going down for his next set of treatments. The doctor says they can be pushed out to every four weeks.

[raeoflyte]

Hugs Bonny.

[Works4me]

Could these melt-downs be her coping mechanism and therefore a regular occurrence? The way she is dealing with your father, that he can stay as long as he behaves himself, certainly puts her in the pier seat and in control. And I am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this.

[TheOtherMe]

I'm sorry, Bonny.  This is so difficult.  

We are taking dad in for a dementia assessment on Friday.  I finally had enough and sent my sister an email outlining all the reasons I think he has dementia and that he needs to move to independent living.  At first, she didn't think he has dementia.  Now she thinks he has "some dementia".  She does agree that it is time for assisted living.  

I hope he will agree when we have to tell him.

[countrygirl2]

They generally don't, and I probably won't either.  I know my son will have no problem putting me somewhere and taking over my finances. I just hope he doesn't to soon.  I do know if they try to become guardians and you are still of sound mind and body you can protest at the hearing before the judge.  Then they have to have you evaluated.  So if I still am at the time, I will do that.


However, most families wait to long rather then do it too soon.  DD's situation complicates it for us.


I do so wish both of you well.

[Bonny]

Mar 3, 2019 14:12:20 GMT -5 Works4me said:

Could these melt-downs be her coping mechanism and therefore a regular occurrence? The way she is dealing with your father, that he can stay as long as he behaves himself, certainly puts her in the pier seat and in control. And I am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this.

Yeah, I had this conversation with my brother...It may be a combination of things including she feels guilty for needing him out to take care of herself.

The problem is the situation isn't sustainable. He or she will hurt themselves and someone is going to wind up in the hospital and into a real crisis.

[TheOtherMe]

Between the eating issues and the potential for injury issues is what got my sister to come around.  

[raeoflyte]

My mom said having 85 year old parents was like having 5 year olds again.  Except they had their own home this time.  

[TheOtherMe]

Having a 95 year old father is like that raeoflyte and I never had children

[buystoys]

Fingers crossed and best wishes, Bonny. 

[NastyWoman]

Mar 3, 2019 20:52:37 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Having a 95 year old father is like that raeoflyte and I never had children

and like living with little kids, you do what is needed for them even if it is ever so hard 

[Bonny]

Mar 4, 2019 9:52:48 GMT -5 NastyWoman said:

Mar 3, 2019 20:52:37 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Having a 95 year old father is like that raeoflyte and I never had children

and like living with little kids, you do what is needed for them even if it is ever so hard 

Agree to a point. My 83 year old father is still compos mentis. I can point out the dangers of where he is living to his health and the power game (and instability and rudeness of the g/f) but I can't make him move to a facility.

If he falls and really hurts himself and winds up in a Medi-Cal skilled nursing facility that's on him.

I'm doing my best.

[TheOtherMe]

Mar 4, 2019 9:52:48 GMT -5 NastyWoman said:

Mar 3, 2019 20:52:37 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Having a 95 year old father is like that raeoflyte and I never had children

and like living with little kids, you do what is needed for them even if it is ever so hard 

I am trying to do what is best.  It's been harder than I ever dreamed.  With mom, there was no decision to be made by us.  She made the decision to go to hospice after hearing her options from a cardiologist.  We were with her on her journey, but she was fully capable of making her own decision.

Dad is not capable of making his own decisions.  I am hoping after Friday's appointment, we can talk to him about assisted living.  He needs to be assisted living or he will end up in a nursing home if he falls.  

Mom had dad to help her.  Dad doesn't have that.  There were many nights when she was in pain and she woke him to sit with her.  She wasn't alone like dad is.  He never thought what he did was care giving, but it was.  The hospice nurse tried to tell him that mom would have been in a nursing home without the things he was doing.

[Ava]

Still unable to solve the situation with my mother.

She bought her ticket and she's coming back this summer, for the whole summer.
Again I'll have to deal with the long commute that's already stressing me, plus arriving home to pick her up and take her to the YMCA, shopping, summer concerts, whatever, every single day, driving during 5 o'clock traffic.  On the weekends I drive to the beach 45 minutes away. By the time she leaves I'm exhausted and angry.
I like spending time with her, for sure, but the way she's behaving is too much. And it's so disruptive because whatever life or routine or hobby I have stops when she comes every year. I just want a life for myself.

When she's not here she calls every day and stays on the phone 30 to 40 minutes
I don't have it in me to talk that long on the phone every day. So now I don't pick up all the time but I feel guilty because I know she's sitting at home dying to talk to me and missing me. I feel like a jerk.

She's of sound mind, and is in a good financial position. I would be ecstatic if I were in her situation, but she was a work horse and always had a man, now she's alone and retired she feels completely lost. I think she expects me to feel the void, which is unfair.

My life was so much easier when she was working and had a partner. I moved several times, changed jobs several times, etc. Now she comes here and expects me to have the flexibility my current job provides, and this condo because it's big and comfortable and she has her own bedroom.

She makes everything so much difficult and she's also difficult to understand.
When I was back home for the holidays I really wanted to move back. The only way is moving with her because I can't afford my own place there. She said yes, come back, no problem. Then she changed her mind and started saying she didn't want my cat in her house and that she liked coming here May-September to avoid winters back home. So, no, don't come back after all.

I'm so tired of the whole situation and I can't find a way out of it. It's not that I don't love her. I understand she doesn't want me in her house with the cat. Whatever.

I would be happy if she would come 2 or 3 weeks during the summer and called me once or twice a week.
I have tried having a conversation with her but it's impossible. The moment I mention what's not working she gets agitated, says we'll talk about it later and changes the subject. I think I need professional help to deal with this. At the minimum I should call my employee support line and talk to someone.

[mmhmm]

Mar 8, 2019 23:32:34 GMT -5 Ava said:

Still unable to solve the situation with my mother.

She bought her ticket and she's coming back this summer, for the whole summer.
Again I'll have to deal with the long commute that's already stressing me, plus arriving home to pick her up and take her to the YMCA, shopping, summer concerts, whatever, every single day, driving during 5 o'clock traffic.  On the weekends I drive to the beach 45 minutes away. By the time she leaves I'm exhausted and angry.
I like spending time with her, for sure, but the way she's behaving is too much. And it's so disruptive because whatever life or routine or hobby I have stops when she comes every year. I just want a life for myself.

When she's not here she calls every day and stays on the phone 30 to 40 minutes
I don't have it in me to talk that long on the phone every day. So now I don't pick up all the time but I feel guilty because I know she's sitting at home dying to talk to me and missing me. I feel like a jerk.

She's of sound mind, and is in a good financial position. I would be ecstatic if I were in her situation, but she was a work horse and always had a man, now she's alone and retired she feels completely lost. I think she expects me to feel the void, which is unfair.

My life was so much easier when she was working and had a partner. I moved several times, changed jobs several times, etc. Now she comes here and expects me to have the flexibility my current job provides, and this condo because it's big and comfortable and she has her own bedroom.

She makes everything so much difficult and she's also difficult to understand.
When I was back home for the holidays I really wanted to move back. The only way is moving with her because I can't afford my own place there. She said yes, come back, no problem. Then she changed her mind and started saying she didn't want my cat in her house and that she liked coming here May-September to avoid winters back home. So, no, don't come back after all.

I'm so tired of the whole situation and I can't find a way out of it. It's not that I don't love her. I understand she doesn't want me in her house with the cat. Whatever.

I would be happy if she would come 2 or 3 weeks during the summer and called me once or twice a week.
I have tried having a conversation with her but it's impossible. The moment I mention what's not working she gets agitated, says we'll talk about it later and changes the subject. I think I need professional help to deal with this. At the minimum I should call my employee support line and talk to someone.

I agree, ava. You need some help in learning to set boundaries. I'd definitely look into finding that help.

[countrygirl2]

My mom came to live with us a year, she would not eat the food I set out.  She was ready to go every night when I got home from work no matter how late, then I had DD and sometimes hubs was home. I was crazy.  I finally just said mom I can't do it.  I'm working all day, she did nothing, laundry nothing. At home she just ran around all the time bugging people and they got tired of it.  Before she totally quit driving she wasn't seeing so she would go into friends and stay overnight when she couldn't see to get home that didn't work well.  I couldn't stand it. We had set her up an apartment back home, took her up on my vacation, she said I can't stay here.  We wasted about $15k of her money holding an apartment.  Hubs had moved her.  We wanted to keep her house but she wanted to go out there daily so we put it up for sale.  

I had to bring her back home, she had a sister and SIL at the high rise there, back then it was very nice, mostly older ladies of means were there.  I told her we needed to do this she said she couldn't stay there.  I got on the waiting list, it didn't take long.  Again on a few days vacation we went up moved her furniture and moved her in.  She was not happy.  She could have groceries delivered, had cable and phone.  Could have meals delivered from the deli. They had a service to the docs she would not use it. Since the cost was cheap she had plenty of money, so she hired a young woman she knew to run her all over, she paid her, bought her tires etc.  The lady did it for years.  I told her if it got to much or she couldn't just let me know.  Well, mom made it there 5 years.  Her sister lived there and she would not take her anywhere with her, oh my.

Finally I got a call, the helper was accused of taking money, she felt so bad, the sister found it, mom had hidden it.  But she said it was getting to be to difficult.  So we made arrangements to move her again.  Oh on the first move she tried to save tons of stuff so paid for a 16 ft by 8 storage building to hold her stuff she would never use again. So we had it built for her.  We had to force her to get rid of tons of stuff. We hauled her stuff down, stored what we could in the building with the other and she moved in with us.  In the interim, we knew she was coming down, so hubs and I bought her a nice 2 bedroom mobile and moved it close to the house.  He worked his butt off in what few days he got off and put in water, septic, and we moved a lot of her things in it so she would feel comfortable.  We were going to let DD stay with her at night if she didn't feel like staying alone.  Unbeknown to us she had told her sister and SIL she was not about to live in some trailer.  So when she came down she said I'm not living out there.  I wish we had known.  She came down I ended up having to quit work, a VERY good job.  I spent a year getting her eyes worked on, DD in the meantime had major surgery for colon resection almost died, hubs was gone working away.  When he came back I just couldn't do it anymore, he finally said its time you do something.  So assisted living it was.  She would not move in the trailer she was mad because DD could live in the house with us.  So she left us no option we moved her there.  She could have had a decent life but nope she was not about to.  She would call constantly wanting to go, go, go and couldn't see to go, that was all she knew.  I would bring her to the house, she wanted to be there every weekend, we had no time together. I never got a vacation.  It was bad, she finally ended up in a nursing home but didn't live long after that.

That's why hubs and I said no way were we trying to move his mom to Texas, we came back.  Gave her a couple years in her house though I was tormented to death all that time by she and her sister.  And it was HORRIBLE when we had to move them.  Talk about hate, oh my god. And even now, hubs hears well DD lives with you why can't I?  You let her live there and I could too.  Thank goodness he has not done it.  I told him, he does that I'm gone and he knows I mean it.  I have had hell with moms, and DD.  I know I won't do that to anyone as there is no one who will be interested enough to do it even if I tried, LOL!

And there are lots of thing in there I left out, to long of a story now. I can't tell you how many times hubs moved her furniture.  This went on I guess for over 8 years or more.

[Tennesseer]

Mar 8, 2019 23:32:34 GMT -5 Ava said:

Still unable to solve the situation with my mother.

She bought her ticket and she's coming back this summer, for the whole summer.
Again I'll have to deal with the long commute that's already stressing me, plus arriving home to pick her up and take her to the YMCA, shopping, summer concerts, whatever, every single day, driving during 5 o'clock traffic.  On the weekends I drive to the beach 45 minutes away. By the time she leaves I'm exhausted and angry.
I like spending time with her, for sure, but the way she's behaving is too much. And it's so disruptive because whatever life or routine or hobby I have stops when she comes every year. I just want a life for myself.

When she's not here she calls every day and stays on the phone 30 to 40 minutes
I don't have it in me to talk that long on the phone every day. So now I don't pick up all the time but I feel guilty because I know she's sitting at home dying to talk to me and missing me. I feel like a jerk.

She's of sound mind, and is in a good financial position. I would be ecstatic if I were in her situation, but she was a work horse and always had a man, now she's alone and retired she feels completely lost. I think she expects me to feel the void, which is unfair.

My life was so much easier when she was working and had a partner. I moved several times, changed jobs several times, etc. Now she comes here and expects me to have the flexibility my current job provides, and this condo because it's big and comfortable and she has her own bedroom.

She makes everything so much difficult and she's also difficult to understand.
When I was back home for the holidays I really wanted to move back. The only way is moving with her because I can't afford my own place there. She said yes, come back, no problem. Then she changed her mind and started saying she didn't want my cat in her house and that she liked coming here May-September to avoid winters back home. So, no, don't come back after all.

I'm so tired of the whole situation and I can't find a way out of it. It's not that I don't love her. I understand she doesn't want me in her house with the cat. Whatever.

I would be happy if she would come 2 or 3 weeks during the summer and called me once or twice a week.
I have tried having a conversation with her but it's impossible. The moment I mention what's not working she gets agitated, says we'll talk about it later and changes the subject. I think I need professional help to deal with this. At the minimum I should call my employee support line and talk to someone.

Ava-the telephone calls. Have you thought about having a once-a-week scheduled phone call with your mom? Tell her you will call her on a certain day of the week at a certain time. I imagine when she calls you and you don't answer she leaves some type of message. Continue to screen those calls and if you sense there is some type of emergency, then respond with a call back. But if not an emergency, simply call on the designated day you have set. And continue to do so until she understands that is the day and time of the week you two shall converse.

[raeoflyte]

Ava --  Can she uber to the Y while you're at work?  and then you can pick her up on your way home?  You could swim or hot tub a bit together and then it isn't quite as rushed?  I know there is a language gap, but I've assumed it's Spanish and I think you can request a Spanish speaking driver.  

Let her know now you can't drive her out there every day and suggest she look into uber, or another method, or just anything for to come up with her own activities while she is here.  

[countrygirl2]

Good luck, been there done that.  You are going to have to be firm, if not, it will aggravate you to death.


Why not say you have a boyfriend and cannot devote the summer to her??

[Bonny]

Mar 10, 2019 21:35:03 GMT -5 countrygirl2 said:

Good luck, been there done that.  You are going to have to be firm, if not, it will aggravate you to death.


Why not say you have a boyfriend and cannot devote the summer to her??

Lol, because then "Mom" would start making wedding plans for Ava!

[Bonny]

Man, when it rains, it pours!

Now M-I-L is acting up again. We think it's a combination of severe SAD (it's been a very wet and rainy winter on the West Coast) and jealousy over the attention I'm spending with my dad. She was really mean to DH and her sister while I was visiting my dad down in the San Diego area and has written two e-mails to DH for him not to make his Sunday call to her. Yesterday she sent him an e-card wishing him and his wife a nice week. Since my name is shorter that "your wife" I believe she's setting me up again as the scapegoat why he can't spend more time with her.

He's really angry at her (and I think also concerned) and it's certainly not helping our relationship. Boy is this stuff hard. 

[buystoys]

So sorry to hear that you get to deal with this while working to make your father's life safer.  Hugs!

[snapdragon]

Sending comfort to everyone who needs it. 

[countrygirl2]

I'm just realizing, I'm one of those aging parents!  LOL!, but its not funny really.

[Ava]

Looks like my mother is starting to get the picture.

Since I stopped taking her calls every day, she now calls me every 2 or 3 days.

We talked earlier today and she said she's going to take English lessons while she's back home so she can communicate better when she's here and not be so dependent on me.

She also said she's willing to go out on her own, and take the bus, the main issue is taking the bus back home because there's a big hill with an elevation and she can't deal with that. She'll be fine if I pick her up on my way back from work.
I still don't know what activities she could participate in. She can get to downtown, the mall and Walmart on the bus, but I would like for her to have more structured activities, like a class or volunteering. The problem is that she's here for 4 months and she's a tourist, so really not easy to get into activities. Besides that, there really isn't much to do around here. She says she's happy being able to get out of the house and go to Walmart or Dunkin Donuts for a coffee in the afternoon, because her main issue is being stuck at home all day.

I will enroll both of us on the YMCA so we can swim and do aqua gym but I'll be firm to restrict it to three times a week, I don't want to do that drive at 5 pm every day after commuting to and from work.

I still have to deal with a lot of resentment I have left over. I am not a resentful person but being honest with myself I feel it towards her. It's not my main emotion when I think about her, but it's there.

She ignored me for years, while she had a career and a man in her life. Even when I went through some rough patches she wasn't available to take a phone call or come and stay with me.
She started missing me and wanting to spend time with me when she didn't have her job and the man anymore.

Another thing I resent is that she could have moved here full-time years ago but refused. I told her I would start the immigration process going for her to move here when she first retired, but she said no. If she had moved, between me working and her good pension we would be golden. We wouldn't be here either, we would be in Miami. It's easier between two people, she has a good pension and I could have worked at any McJob while something better turned up. I would have had the financial means and the emotional support to do it.

She even said last year, I would love for us to be in Miami. I told her we would be if she had moved here when she was younger. Now is too late, she is late 70s and can't afford to be without health care until she qualifies, which would take a while.

[zibazinski]

Mar 16, 2019 13:38:57 GMT -5 Ava said:

Looks like my mother is starting to get the picture.

Since I stopped taking her calls every day, she now calls me every 2 or 3 days.

We talked earlier today and she said she's going to take English lessons while she's back home so she can communicate better when she's here and not be so dependent on me.

She also said she's willing to go out on her own, and take the bus, the main issue is taking the bus back home because there's a big hill with an elevation and she can't deal with that. She'll be fine if I pick her up on my way back from work.
I still don't know what activities she could participate in. She can get to downtown, the mall and Walmart on the bus, but I would like for her to have more structured activities, like a class or volunteering. The problem is that she's here for 4 months and she's a tourist, so really not easy to get into activities. Besides that, there really isn't much to do around here. She says she's happy being able to get out of the house and go to Walmart or Dunkin Donuts for a coffee in the afternoon, because her main issue is being stuck at home all day.

I will enroll both of us on the YMCA so we can swim and do aqua gym but I'll be firm to restrict it to three times a week, I don't want to do that drive at 5 pm every day after commuting to and from work.

I still have to deal with a lot of resentment I have left over. I am not a resentful person but being honest with myself I feel it towards her. It's not my main emotion when I think about her, but it's there.

She ignored me for years, while she had a career and a man in her life. Even when I went through some rough patches she wasn't available to take a phone call or come and stay with me.
She started missing me and wanting to spend time with me when she didn't have her job and the man anymore.

Another thing I resent is that she could have moved here full-time years ago but refused. I told her I would start the immigration process going for her to move here when she first retired, but she said no. If she had moved, between me working and her good pension we would be golden. We wouldn't be here either, we would be in Miami. It's easier between two people, she has a good pension and I could have worked at any McJob while something better turned up. I would have had the financial means and the emotional support to do it.

She even said last year, I would love for us to be in Miami. I told her we would be if she had moved here when she was younger. Now is too late, she is late 70s and can't afford to be without health care until she qualifies, which would take a while.

Ava, stick to your guns and don’t let her guilt you into longer days after you work. You’re tired. You should come home to a clean house and a meal waiting not be a taxi service. Yes, it’s too bad about Miami but Spanish is spoken everywhere it seems. There’s a lot of things for seniors to do. She could volunteer at a hospital even. We’ve got tons of seniors that sit behind a reception desk and give directions or cuddle NICU babies. If she knits there’s groups that knit caps for babies and chemo patients. Google is your friend as well as some newspapers have a section of what’s going on and what groups there are to join.