Aging Parent Support Thread

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I am going to be a petty little bitch though and I am not giving the paperwork to the bank.  That is NOT my job this is whatever company they hired to manager her money's job.  I am not supposed to be within 10 feet of financial information now.

And nope I am not going to withdraw my unauthorized access claim either because as far as the bank knows that is EXACTLY what that was.  And I don't have any obligation to withdraw it now because as they have repeatedly told me nobody is required to talk to me anymore.

Let them have a temper tantrum when the bank refuses to work with them when the call to try to take that money out again. 
 
Stupid assholes.

[bean29]

NMD-It does not seem right that they can remove you as FPOA without you being served to show up in court, or at least notified that they moved to remove you as POA.  You were not given a chance to defend your actions. It is just so wrong, but I agree, your life will just be easier now.

[TheOtherMe]

It seems to be that you should have been notified that you had been removed and the reasons why.  

They did this because for profit nursing homes are greedy.  

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Nobody has gotten anything.  I'm supposed to receive a certified letter and so is Bill who holds the original POA. 

According to the rules they are supposed to notify everyone but I guess nursing homes don't have to follow the law? 

I am not going to bother to go back and read it now but probably buried in the 34 pages about applying for medical guardianship there was a clause buried in there somewhere claiming I was unfit. 

The mentioned my dad A LOT but I only saw my name once grouped in with his.  I didn't make a connection that they were implying I was also fleecing my grandma and not looking out for her best interests.   Wouldn't be shocked if they claimed in court I was in cahoots with my dad since I fought them on everything originally.

I could have defended it but it would have taken me having to go to court and hiring a lawyer.  All with time and money I do not have nor want to spend.  I wouldn't have won anyhow they technically were rightI didn't "do my duty" because I didn't know WTF my duty even was!  Once I did know what my duty was I sprung into action but too little too late I handed them the noose.

We didn't want to contest medical guardianship anyhow.  They refuse to let my dad be it and I would rather off myself than have to deal with the nursing home regarding my grandmother's health.

I suppose I can be held at fault for not REALLY reading the paperwork in super close detail.

I'm not lifting a finger because I am supposed to stay away.  They are too dumb to make sure the bank knows it is their problem to deal with not mine.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Sept 25, 2024 15:00:37 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

It seems to be that you should have been notified that you had been removed and the reasons why.  

They did this because for profit nursing homes are greedy.  

And the system is so convoluted they just have to sit back and watch you trip just one, no matter how tiny, and now their hordes of lawyers can go to work petitioning the court to say you failed to protect your relative so really the courts need to do the right thing and put the people who want all the residents $$$ and have absolutely NO CONFLICTING INTEREST whatsoever in charge. 

This is a fucked up system we have.  I told dad that is it I am taking him on a walk in the woods to look at the flowers when he gets too old.

[TheOtherMe]

I did not know until reading on threads that for profit nursing homes do not have to hold the bed of a patient if they are hospitalized.  She has lost 4 beds because of hospitalizations this calendar year.  

Then it is a hassle to get your things back.  She had enough money on the last one to pay for the days, but the bed was given to another patient as soon as she was admitted to the hospital.  She was too sick to make a phone call.  She ended up being hospitalized for 10 days, the last two because no nursing home would take her on the weekend.

[lurkyloo]

Sept 25, 2024 15:00:37 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

It seems to be that you should have been notified that you had been removed and the reasons why.  

They did this because for profit nursing homes are greedy.  

This kind of legal behavior gives ambulance chasers a bad name. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I have very complicated feelings about all this I'm trying to sort out.

[finnime]

If I were you, NomoreDramaQ1015, I'd be royally pissed off, too. The nursing home has high-handedly removed you from a position to represent your grandmother's interests without the courtesy of even informing you, as though you didn't matter. They also mismanaged your grandma's money causing her to be overdrawn without knowing or maybe caring that that was the case. Someone has to keep an eye on the nursing home lest it leave its patients without care or means. They are not even meeting their legal obligations, taking money that doesn't exist from her account.

[jerseygirl]

Does that crappy nursing home have a Facebook page? If so maybe put some of this mess on there
Hurt their reputation and therefore pocketbook

[azucena]

Sept 25, 2024 19:00:33 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I have very complicated feelings about all this I'm trying to sort out.

Feel free to tell me to pipe down if this isn't helpful. My brain keeps kinda comparing your fight against the powers that be to my fight. I'm right there with you on complicated feelings. FWIW, I'd settled somewhere near if teen were to get taken away, I'd be inconsolable bc it's not in her best interest, we've bonded beyond words, etc. I'd have to grieve. But I'll admit there is a small part of me that would be relieved not to have to carry this burden and to return to more normal life where I could put my nuclear family's interests first and focus on work. It's a weird mindfuck that I wouldn't wish on an enemy. Sharing in case that helps you at all.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Sept 26, 2024 8:55:45 GMT -5 azucena said:

Sept 25, 2024 19:00:33 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I have very complicated feelings about all this I'm trying to sort out.

Feel free to tell me to pipe down if this isn't helpful. My brain keeps kinda comparing your fight against the powers that be to my fight. I'm right there with you on complicated feelings. FWIW, I'd settled somewhere near if teen were to get taken away, I'd be inconsolable bc it's not in her best interest, we've bonded beyond words, etc. I'd have to grieve. But I'll admit there is a small part of me that would be relieved not to have to carry this burden and to return to more normal life where I could put my nuclear family's interests first and focus on work. It's a weird mindfuck that I wouldn't wish on an enemy. Sharing in case that helps you at all.

::In my best Charlie Brown Christmas voice::

THAT'S IT!

That is EXACTLY fucking it! I didn't want to be fPOA to begin with but got forced into it because my dad stepped in it.  So a huge part of my brain is doing a happy dance and is relieved that is finally over she is not my problem.

The other part of me feels like I failed my grandmother.  Even though I know it's the other way around.  She failed US.   None of us would be in this mess if her entire elder care plan hadn't been not get old and if that backfires make my son/his wife/my grandaughter take care of me.

And I am beyond pissed at the fucked up system.  If I so much as couldn't account for a damn penny they would sic DHS on me.  Meanwhile this sorry excuse for a guardian apparently did not do any looking into the nursing home's bookkeeping to research my grandma's unpaid bills AND helped themselves to money they should have damn well known she did not have.

They didn't file any paperwork or notify me leaving me in a panic when I saw her bank statement.  Then instead of explaining anything to me the nursing home told me Fuck off you're not POA anymore like I am yesterday's garabage.

They had to have made a case to the court I am unfit ot get me removed.  So they LIED.  They twisted everything that happened when in reality I was trying to play a game that I didn't even know the rules of.

But they can overdraft her account?!!!  

So I am angry at how they've treated me and my dad. I am pissed yet again at my grandmother for the mess to begin with, I am pissed at the home, pissed at these new guardians, ashamed of myself.

And just SO HAPPY it is over!  I shouldn't feel happy that my grandmother is now at the mercy of the nursing home and they are free to milk her and Medicaid to their little hearts content.  But I am.

And good God I feel guilty that I wish she was dead.  Not that I want my grandma dead exactly I love her but I know from experience with GU that the only way any of us are ever going to truly escape this nightmare is for her to finally pass.  Which is just an awful way to think of a person.

[azucena]

Glad it was helpful, Drama.

I keep thinking that sooner or later ME not being able to provide dental care for teen is going to bite me in the ass which is redonkulous given everything I've tried to do for her. But the screwed up system makes me nervous about this. 

I'll join you in wishing Nut was dead or heck, even just back in jail so she would leave teen the fuck alone and siblings would have some fighting chance.

[bean29]

I would contact my Senator and State Reps and tell them we need stronger laws to protect the elderly. It is just wrong on so many levels.  

I did read the entire Assited Living Contract before I signed it.  They absolutely refused to modify anything.  If you want to be in their facility, you agree to their terms.  Right now, they seem to be providing top quality care.  It remains to be seen what will happen if/when she runs out of $$.

DD's friend got on the plane before they took off.  So, they are on their way to Honolulu. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Sept 26, 2024 9:56:13 GMT -5 bean29 said:

I would contact my Senator and State Reps and tell them we need stronger laws to protect the elderly. It is just wrong on so many levels.  

I did read the entire Assited Living Contract before I signed it.  They absolutely refused to modify anything.  If you want to be in their facility, you agree to their terms.  Right now, they seem to be providing top quality care.  It remains to be seen what will happen if/when she runs out of $$.

DD's friend got on the plane before they took off.  So, they are on their way to Honolulu. 

Iowa doesn't fucking care.

[TheOtherMe]

Correct NomoreDramaQ1015   The nursing homes are not inspected very much and when violations are found, the fine is very small.  Not even the cost of a room for a day.  

I think the last two I saw and neglected patients to the point they died and the fine was $1,000.  They don't care about invisible people in care facilities.

[Opti]

Sept 26, 2024 14:09:04 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Correct NomoreDramaQ1015    The nursing homes are not inspected very much and when violations are found, the fine is very small.  Not even the cost of a room for a day.  

I think the last two I saw and neglected patients to the point they died and the fine was $1,000.  They don't care about invisible people in care facilities.

Wow. That is awful and scary. 

[jerseygirl]

Sept 26, 2024 17:32:48 GMT -5 jerseygirl said:

Much better and usually less expensive than nursing home is to hire a live in. Not always easy to find but word of mouth helps
I had a live in for my disabled sister for 6 years. She was deaf and I know the deaf really wither away cause they can’t communicate. I lived in next town and we were able to go out for meals, shopping and visiting her friends. When she became really ill, the hospital was better than any nursing home

She went to rehab that was also a nursing home after some hospital stays. The care was fine, it was very clean, nursing staff was nice but she was so very lonely. She had hospice for a short time but still needed her live in
The woman was so loving and caring and sister enjoyed her company
I have her friend at our house now. Hired her when I was diagnosed with colon cancer and knew I’d have surgery. Jerseyguy has been in and out of hospitals and now needs help.
If possible elderly or younger invalids do much better at home with help. In Nj Medicaid is paying now for in home health aids, time paid is dependent on how much care is needed

[TheOtherMe]

The Iowa State Auditor published a report and the governor is not happy.  Surprised not.  

The report says the number of nursing homes in the state are not being inspected at the same number of times over the last 3 years compared to other states.  Kimmy says they are this year.  Well, she won't release any numbers to the auditor and other states don't have numbers for the current year.

Funding has been cut to fund inspections of nursing homes.  I don't know how bad it is in other states, but it is bad in this state.  

Just another reason why I will not go to a nursing home.

When hospice said mom needed round the clock care, in home care was going to be much more expensive than a nursing home.  Mom didn't let that happen.  We had been discussing that when she went in to her final comatose state.  She said "I can't let you do that"

[jerseygirl]

Agencies that supply home health aids are very expensive and the ones I used for short times for mom and sister weren’t very helpful
Getting a non agency person in my experience has been much better and costs less
Cousin also found someone for his mom who lived in for around 3 yrs. Around here usually East Europeans or Nigerian.

[busymom]

That is so weird that the nursing home doesn't even have to hold your bed if you get hospitalized.  My relative was in a "church run" nursing home (for lack of a better term), but every time he was hospitalized, I'd get a call asking me if they should hold his bed.  Yes!   I mean, once out of the hospital, where else was he supposed to go?  But every single time I'd get that phone call.  Nursing homes are weird.  

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

It can be hard to find a non agency person though.  My mom found a few but absolutely none of them would take a job driving out to Treynor or Millard.  

I will never use an agency if I can avoid it after what that one did to GU.  They ate all his food, stole all his cash and anything else that wasn't nailed down AND stole his truck!  My dad tried to file complaints but was told by Nebraska unless he had proof it wasn't their problem.  Agency told him the same thing and was like "oh they don't work here anymore".

Yeah no shit they skipped town after robbing all your clients blind!

My dad was going to install nanny cams in the house to catch them but then GU became a hazard to himself and the house of cards came down.

I am so angry at both of them.  I feel terrible because my stress/resentment/anger around the entire situation makes it very very hard for me to go see my grandmother.  Which DH and several others have shamed me for because "she's your grandma!  She lives in a home all alone!"

Yes she is my grandma but she has made my life and my dad's life a living hell all because she was too controlling/narcissistic to properly plan for getting old.  She pretty much told my dad the only reason he existed was to be her elder care when she needed it.  You think that makes my dad want to hop up and go visit her? 

It is all so convoluted and messed up.  Then toss in the peanut gallery/society's views on what you "should" do regarding your elderly relatives.  Which is funny because it never seems to be those people stepping up to deal with the mess.  I was sorely tempted to ask Bill how my great aunt is because I notice they left his SIL to deal with all of it.  If it is "so easy" why aren't him and his wife helping?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Sept 27, 2024 9:46:53 GMT -5 busymom said:

That is so weird that the nursing home doesn't even have to hold your bed if you get hospitalized.  My relative was in a "church run" nursing home (for lack of a better term), but every time he was hospitalized, I'd get a call asking me if they should hold his bed.  Yes!   I mean, once out of the hospital, where else was he supposed to go?  But every single time I'd get that phone call.  Nursing homes are weird.  

It isn't my problem anymore but I believe when I originally read the paperwork for the one my grandmother is at as long as I kept paying she kept her room.  There is probably fine print in there about X amount of days/weeks/months I didn't notice.

I have no freaking clue how that works now that she is on Medicaid.  But again not my problem anymore.

It's all about $$$. 

You know what is the killer is that a very significant chunk of Iowa nursing homes are now refusing to take Medicaid patients.  My grandmother is "grandmothered" in because she was already a resident they can't kick her out because she became a resident when they accepted Medicaid.

But no new Medicaid patients.

Yet the facility sits at 75% empty right now.  That is 75% rooms they could fill.   They only want private pay patients they can get $8k+ out of which not a lot of old people are going to be able to cough up.

That is insane to me.  What other business on this planet can operate at only 25% capacity and still be in business?

[TheOtherMe]

Being on Medicaid may be the reason, the person I mentioned lost her bed.  If they would have asked, she had the money to pay for the bed while she was hospitalized.

This woman also has no family to contact.  She is in her right mind but cancer has made it so that she can not physically live alone, so it's in a nursing home.  

She said nursing homes don't like dealing with patients who knows her body and when it is getting sick.  She has to push to get the care she needs.  

[jerseygirl]

When my sister was in rehab facility that also was a nursing home, when she went to hospital, her room/bed was given to someone else . When she returned to rehab she had a different room/ bed

[countrygirl2]

I feel for you, I dealt with MIL for 12 years. I have bankers boxes of correspondence I wrote, I documented everything. I told hubs we need to keep the paperwork a couple more years just in case. And with DD, I have cases and cases of documents for her. I have been through the nightmares and stress and pulling my hair out. I thought I would lose my mind dealing with VA, nursing home, and state of Indiana. Now MIL is gone, she made it to 95 with years of not even knowing what was going on. Now i'm working on DD's medical here and not sure if I have everything done or not. Dealing with bureaucracies will make you crazy.

If you are out of it be happy, I also went crazy trying to deal with her insurance for drugs. Hubs actually had to drive there many times to get her pills, I won't even go into that nightmare. At least its done. Now I just have to deal with DD. I hope I can stay competent to deal with hubs if he needs it, I'm not sure what son will do. Even if we have everything in order its still very, very hard. Right now we are in limbo till I make sure everything is good in our new state.

Good luck!

[lurkyloo]

Talked to a geriatric case manager yesterday with OB. Not super reassuring but she agreed to schedule an assessment.  Mom did schedule a ride and carry out her own followup appointment with the orthopedic surgeon.

I think if there is a GCM overseeing things I can step away in good conscience.

[soupandstew]

I'm so sorry for the struggles you are all going through to care for your family members-it seems to be a thankless task.  I'm curious as to what happens if a person does not have a relative willing or able to undertake the work, all the reporting and accounting.  Does the State appoint someone to do all that?  I'm sure it would be a paid position.  If I read correctly, this is what happened in Drama's situation - she was replaced by a State-appointed guardian/FPOA.  This would seem to open the door to a fair amount of corruption - friendly judges appoint their friends who make $$ and maybe even get $$ in kickbacks from the healthcare providers and nursing homes.  

[jerseygirl]

I’m on the board of a charity trying to get specialized housing for Deaf and deafblind low income seniors in NJ. Many lead good lives often with family help. Unfortunately some families aren’t capable or disinterested in helping. What happens? Homeless or in some cases absolutely heart breaking living conditions
About a dozen states have gorgeous large buildings specifically designed for this population. Our charity has been trying to build or even renovate a long vacant dorm at the NJ school for the Deaf. The state departments have been very uncooperative.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Oct 1, 2024 11:00:44 GMT -5 soupandstew said:

I'm so sorry for the struggles you are all going through to care for your family members-it seems to be a thankless task.  I'm curious as to what happens if a person does not have a relative willing or able to undertake the work, all the reporting and accounting.  Does the State appoint someone to do all that?  I'm sure it would be a paid position.  If I read correctly, this is what happened in Drama's situation - she was replaced by a State-appointed guardian/FPOA.  This would seem to open the door to a fair amount of corruption - friendly judges appoint their friends who make $$ and maybe even get $$ in kickbacks from the healthcare providers and nursing homes.  

Yes but from my understanding they will attempt to do everything in their power first to find someone related to do it because they don't want to do the heavy lifting.  The nursing home didn't swoop in and take over until I had done all the back breaking work to get her on Medicaid, which they flat out told me they will not assist with I was 100% on my own.

But gee they have the time and money to go to court and get a guardian appointed for her?  Which is supposed to be an even more involved process?

Hmmm . . .

I am sure part of it is I questioned them.  I stopped payment one month and refused to sign a new check until they gave me the price list of their rooms.  I clawed back my grandmother's money this round too suspecting fraud and wouldn't have given it back till they proved it wasn't.   I questioned her prescription bill because I noticed they are giving her enough aspirin that if she so much as looks at a sharp corner she'd bleed to death. I wanted to know if she was actually taking that many or were they billing her/Medicare for an amount she wasn't even taking.

They did not like me because I was doing my job and not sitting still like a good little girl and letting them tell me what to do.

Now they are free to milk Medicaid to their little heart's content and abuse what little money my grandmother still has without any oversight. I absolutely do believe the elder care system in this country is totally corrupt. They are all in cahoots with each other.  DHS, the nursing homes, the guardianship companies.  All of them.

Federally I am supposed to have the right to continue to demand accounting of her money as her next of kin but good luck getting that enforced.  The nursing home has totally cut us off.

I know it's morally wrong and I do wrestle with guilt over the idea I let my grandmother down but it is just not worth it.  If she wasn't on Medicaid already maybe but now DHS can deal with them that is their job.  I'm out.