Aging Parent Support Thread

[TheOtherMe]

Oct 1, 2024 11:00:44 GMT -5 soupandstew said:

I'm so sorry for the struggles you are all going through to care for your family members-it seems to be a thankless task.  I'm curious as to what happens if a person does not have a relative willing or able to undertake the work, all the reporting and accounting.  Does the State appoint someone to do all that?  I'm sure it would be a paid position.  If I read correctly, this is what happened in Drama's situation - she was replaced by a State-appointed guardian/FPOA.  This would seem to open the door to a fair amount of corruption - friendly judges appoint their friends who make $$ and maybe even get $$ in kickbacks from the healthcare providers and nursing homes.  

Iowa now has the nursing home do the rep payee work once they go on Medicaid if there is no family around.  I loved visiting my nursing home ladies.  They were so sweet and enjoyed the visit.  

Before I stopped volunteering because of Crazy Lady being so crazy, I asked for some nursing home clients because they made both sad and happy.  The smile was worth the sadness.  The agency no longer handled nursing home patients.

Now it's people living on their own and if a volunteer can't be found, the individual gets charged a small amount to me but not small to them amount every month.  

The woman in Rhode Island has no one who visits her.  If she is too sick to make phone calls for herself, the nursing home makes decisions and that is how she has ended up losing her room in Rhode Island while she has been hospitalized.  She now has the roommate from hell.  The woman refused to use headphones and has her television on 24 hours a day at top volume.  She is going crazy.  She has run off two roommates already but she is now being told there are no rooms to move her to.  

[lurkyloo]

Oct 1, 2024 8:37:31 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Talked to a geriatric case manager yesterday with OB. Not super reassuring but she agreed to schedule an assessment.  Mom did schedule a ride and carry out her own followup appointment with the orthopedic surgeon.

I think if there is a GCM overseeing things I can step away in good conscience.

Dammit.  She had second thoughts and said she couldn’t accommodate.  I told OB maybe next time we emphasize the family feuds and suicide threats less and the helpful neighbors more.

Come to think of it, YB’s little tantrum telling her he was dying of pancreatic cancer is totally fair payback for all the suicide threats.  Apple, tree, yada yada.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Back to being pissed off.

I got the renewal paperwork for grandma's Medicaid. It has to be filed by the end of the month.

If I'm not her POA anymore I shouldn't have this it should have gone directly to this guardian person.

So I may still be POA according to DHS too.

I am so fucking tired of their incompetency and cleaning it up.

Trying to get a human at DHS because I have no clue what to do.

I do not mind filling it out and all I have to provide this round is her bank statements because she has no assets.

But I don't want to get in trouble. Or cost her Medicaid because the nursing home gets in a tizzy and reports me.

I know anyone can file but I have no idea about renewal.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Christ I'm still POA as far as DHS is concerned too.

Who are these clowns the home is working with?!

So I can fill out the paperwork and will not face repercussions so I'll make sure to get that done ASAP. I do not trust these guardian people.

I may have to get Bill involved. He holds the POA naming me. I can't be POA legally and have the home refusing to acknowledge my existence and having other people fuck with her bank account because they all claim I'm not.

What a fucking mess.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I think I annoyed the Medicaid lady.

She said cross out my address and put Not POA on the paperwork. Send it to the nursing home and let them deal with the mess they created.

Okay I guess.

[bookkeeper]

The eagle flies tomorrow.  Mom goes to Texas for a winter at the trailer park.  I spent two days with her a week ago.  She is as capable as she wants to be at age 87.  I always say, it's like sending your kid to college with a pocket full of money.  You hope for the best, you are still ready to go scoop them up when it goes south.  We had a really nice visit the last time.  I hope she has a great time in TX.

My younger brother is taking her tomorrow to the airport.  I took him up on his offer to do it.  I am dealing with lots more trying to sell her house and acreage.  Older brother, who is the trustee for all the assets, is ready to leave town for the season, however, we have a good offer on Mom's house. My parents never updated their trust paperwork and now we are missing some documents.  Older brother can be a demanding customer and the attorney we have been using since Dad died is not returning his calls.  Good times!!!  

First world problems.  The moral of the story is keep your wills and trusts updated.  Choose a level headed person to be your trustee/executor. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Sent the forms to the nursing home billing office and said here you go.  And please take me off everything and put this new person on like you are supposed to.

And that's that I guess. 

I told DH that I am not worried because of a control thing or because I still want to be POA.  I am worried because this person is clearly a dumb ass.  I don't want my grandma's living arrangements jeopardized by someone who at least to my eyes has no clue what they are doing between over drafting her and not bothering to tell any of the entities involved that they are now in charge yet taking over everything anyhow.

Even though I am still beyond pissed at her I still care about her well being.  I am not a monster.

I guess I have to keep reminding myself now it is a battle between DHS and the nursing home it doesn't involve me.

And remind myself grandma got herself into this mess.  This was inevitable between her not doing the things she needed to do and the way Iowa has nursing home care set up.  There was no other conclusion to this tale.

[TheOtherMe]

Please don't blame your grandma for her decisions.  She wanted to be at her home.  Most people do.  

Yes, it all went bad for her.  It may all go bad for me.  I've made the same decision to stay in my home until I drop dead.  They will have to fight to get me out of here.  

Nursing homes are a hell scape and I am not going to one.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I don't blame her for the home.

I blame her for moving out to Treynor two decades ago because property taxes were cheaper.

I blame her for not moving back when grandpa had cancer and there were no services in Treynor for him.

I blame her for not moving in 2014 when he died.

She could have sold that house in Treynor and paid cash for a new house with money to spare.

There was one right across from my parents! My dad could have gotten it for $50k at the time.

Especially after we found out she was sitting on $100k! She could have sold the house for $150k and had $200k in the bank!

More than enough with our help to hire people so she could remain at home as long as possible.  Or she could have had an absolutely bitchin' senior apartment that would have only cost her $3k a month which is pretty much covered by her SS pension barely touching that $200k and possibly leaving it to my dad/us kids as intended.

She didn't trust my parents leaving her brother on all her paperwork which left a nightmare for my dad to clean up for both her and GU.

I do not blame her for not wanting to go Ina home. We were willing to help she just had to move back to Council Bluffs and not live in a city that doesn't even have a damn grocery store.

I blame her for every choice leading up to the home.

She may have still ended up in one but it didn't have to end like it has. The nursing home was the unfortunate conclusion to my grandma being too damn stubborn and cheap for her own good.  She was too concerned about dollar signs and because of that she cost herself every penny she had and totally soured her relationship with her son.

[wvugurl26]

The problem is not only did it not work out for DQ's grandma, it's caused many problems and stress for DQ. That's not acceptable. Yes, nursing homes suck but she could have been in a better place if she hadn't been cheap and stubborn. Causing DQ stress, gray hair and job issues is not okay.

You may want to stay home and that's all well and good but it shouldn't come at the expense of family members sanity and job. That's the part she is absolutely allowed to be mad about. DQ has a family to support. Risking her job because grandma didn't want to go somewhere is not okay.

[seriousthistime]

I've thought about all this for my own situation and I'm seeing it play out now with a friend of mine. 

I moved back to be closer to my oldest son, to a town I'd lived in for 30 years before that.  My other two kids have demanding careers and live in VHCOLA areas. This was the best alternative for me as I age.  But I do feel guilty about potentially putting more on my son's plate.  

And that's part of the reason I'm so glad countrygirl2 moved closer to her son. It is so hard for the family to deal with an elderly person's needs from a long distance. I wish I could convince my friend to do the same. 

Fortunately I'm still physically able to take care of myself and even help out my kids with childcare and such. 

[jerseygirl]

Colleague had a PhD and worked in pharma and had very good paying job
She grew up in country in Illinois and her mom still lived in same house. Mom getting older and colleague increased visits. She hired help to come in to help mom but mom wanted my colleague to move to rural Illinois to help her. Nope no possibility of a job maybe local 7-11?
Mom kept firing any help and just kept getting more feeble. Mom refused to move near her daughter
Colleague kept bringing things over to help her, walker etc but mom wanted no part of it nor to go into nursing home
Finally colleague just left her mom. Mom lived another year

[seriousthistime]

Geez.  

I hope not to become a stubborn old lady. 

[andi9899]

Oct 3, 2024 11:43:33 GMT -5 seriousthistime said:

Geez.  

I hope not to become a stubborn old lady. 

I already am a stubborn old lady. I just don't want to be a burden to my kids. I'm way too independent for a home and don't want to live in one. Culturally we don't put our elders in homes either. But you better believe I'll be willing to accept help when I need it. I'm also setting myself up financially to take care of myself.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Oct 3, 2024 11:31:13 GMT -5 seriousthistime said:

I've thought about all this for my own situation and I'm seeing it play out now with a friend of mine. 

I moved back to be closer to my oldest son, to a town I'd lived in for 30 years before that.  My other two kids have demanding careers and live in VHCOLA areas. This was the best alternative for me as I age.  But I do feel guilty about potentially putting more on my son's plate.  

And that's part of the reason I'm so glad countrygirl2 moved closer to her son. It is so hard for the family to deal with an elderly person's needs from a long distance. I wish I could convince my friend to do the same. 

Fortunately I'm still physically able to take care of myself and even help out my kids with childcare and such. 

We genuinely would have helped.  My maternal grandmother DID move on the advice of my parents when my grandfather died.  I live in the house she moved into which is right across the street from my parents.  My dad took care of the house.  They drove her to doctor appointments and the grocery store.  I'd pitch in where needed.

She had an active social life because she lived here where there is one to have and had a lot of friends.

We would have honored Grandma B's wishes and kept her home for as long as we could but she refused to compromise.  It was either she live out there with either my dad/myself moving into care or nothing.

She FAFO the hard way unfortunately.  So did GU.

My dad and I feel absolutely awful for how things have shaken out but you can't help people who won't help themselves.

Being POA because you discussed it with your grandmother/mother and have agreed to do it is one thing because you have control every step of the way.  You can be prepared, as much as one can be in this situation and you know one day it will likely happen.

Being thrust into it against your will after your mom/grandma nearly kills herself falling and finding out in that moment her senile brother is POA of freaking EVERYTHING so you are blocked every step of the way letting the hospital and nursing home pretty much do what they please is quite another.

Just getting GU off her bank account was a nightmare.  

My dad fought and fought with BOTH of them to get their paperwork in order.  But oh no they were both convinced my mom was going to convince my dad to stick them in a home and take all their money.

Guess what Grandma and GU the damn nursing home and state got it all anyhow because your paranoia caught up with you faster than the grim reapear could.

My mom said like $100k was enough to make her put up with my dad for 40 years.  Talk about a really long con for low ROI when she could have just pulled an Anna Nicole when she was in her 20s.

[NastyWoman]

Oct 3, 2024 11:31:13 GMT -5 seriousthistime said:

I've thought about all this for my own situation and I'm seeing it play out now with a friend of mine. 

I moved back to be closer to my oldest son, to a town I'd lived in for 30 years before that.  My other two kids have demanding careers and live in VHCOLA areas. This was the best alternative for me as I age.  But I do feel guilty about potentially putting more on my son's plate.  

And that's part of the reason I'm so glad countrygirl2 moved closer to her son. It is so hard for the family to deal with an elderly person's needs from a long distance. I wish I could convince my friend to do the same. 

Fortunately I'm still physically able to take care of myself and even help out my kids with childcare and such. 

100%  . You  just described the reason for my planned move despite the fact that I love living in CA which fits me like a glove

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Oct 3, 2024 11:40:34 GMT -5 jerseygirl said:

Colleague had a PhD and worked in pharma and had very good paying job
She grew up in country in Illinois and her mom still lived in same house. Mom getting older and colleague increased visits. She hired help to come in to help mom but mom wanted my colleague to move to rural Illinois to help her. Nope no possibility of a job maybe local 7-11?
Mom kept firing any help and just kept getting more feeble. Mom refused to move near her daughter
Colleague kept bringing things over to help her, walker etc but mom wanted no part of it nor to go into nursing home
Finally colleague just left her mom. Mom lived another year

My dad found my grandmother a walker that would have allowed her to keep her mobility and stay in her home longer.

Grandma refused it because she would have to pay $300 for it.   My dad got a freaking hell of a deal on it.

$300.

The woman had $100k in the bank and whatever was in her retirement account at the time I think it was $40k.  Plus almost $3k a month in SS and pension.

$300.  She refused to spend $300 to make her quality of life better and be able to stay mobile/in her home.

I have seen my dad pissed off before but in 39 years of life I have never once seen my dad literally spitting mad until that moment.  

[TheOtherMe]

I have spent money to make my house as senior friendly as it can be.  I have a walker I used when I had blood clots.  

I don't have the cash to pay for assisted living or a nursing home.  

I will go to one over my dead body.  

I have a friend who decided she was not going to one last year.  She stayed in her house and refused to eat, answer the phone, etc. and was found dead.  If that is what I have to do, I will.

[andi9899]

Oct 3, 2024 12:04:48 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Oct 3, 2024 11:31:13 GMT -5 seriousthistime said:

I've thought about all this for my own situation and I'm seeing it play out now with a friend of mine. 

I moved back to be closer to my oldest son, to a town I'd lived in for 30 years before that.  My other two kids have demanding careers and live in VHCOLA areas. This was the best alternative for me as I age.  But I do feel guilty about potentially putting more on my son's plate.  

And that's part of the reason I'm so glad countrygirl2 moved closer to her son. It is so hard for the family to deal with an elderly person's needs from a long distance. I wish I could convince my friend to do the same. 

Fortunately I'm still physically able to take care of myself and even help out my kids with childcare and such. 

We genuinely would have helped.  My maternal grandmother DID move on the advice of my parents when my grandfather died.  I live in the house she moved into which is right across the street from my parents.  My dad took care of the house.  They drove her to doctor appointments and the grocery store.  I'd pitch in where needed.

She had an active social life because she lived here where there is one to have and had a lot of friends.

We would have honored Grandma B's wishes and kept her home for as long as we could but she refused to compromise.  It was either she live out there with either my dad/myself moving into care or nothing.

She FAFO the hard way unfortunately.  So did GU.

My dad and I feel absolutely awful for how things have shaken out but you can't help people who won't help themselves.

Being POA because you discussed it with your grandmother/mother and have agreed to do it is one thing because you have control every step of the way.  You can be prepared, as much as one can be in this situation and you know one day it will likely happen.

Being thrust into it against your will after your mom/grandma nearly kills herself falling and finding out in that moment her senile brother is POA of freaking EVERYTHING so you are blocked every step of the way letting the hospital and nursing home pretty much do what they please is quite another.

Just getting GU off her bank account was a nightmare.  

My dad fought and fought with BOTH of them to get their paperwork in order.  But oh no they were both convinced my mom was going to convince my dad to stick them in a home and take all their money.

Guess what Grandma and GU the damn nursing home and state got it all anyhow because your paranoia caught up with you faster than the grim reapear could.

My mom said like $100k was enough to make her put up with my dad for 40 years.  Talk about a really long con for low ROI when she could have just pulled an Anna Nicole when she was in her 20s.

My mom was a nurse in a nursing home back in the day when I was in my 20s. I asked her if there were any rich men in there that I could talk to. I told her I could be Andrea Nicole Smith. She just rolled her eyes. My uncle thought it was hilarious.

[seriousthistime]

andi9899, be careful.  You know what they say, older men are looking for a nurse or a purse.  I don't think you want to be either one.

[bookkeeper]

Mom made it to TX last night.  She was going to sit in the recliner until she was ready for bed.  Long day for her.  I will call in a couple of days, give her time to settle in.

Somehow DB got the attorney jump started and we are supposed to see a purchase agreement for Mom's house today.  The family that wants to buy it would like to get in before winter.  We'll see.  We can only move as fast as we get the required paperwork in place.  

Mom likes the idea of a family with 5 kids living in her house.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

That's great bookkeeper that the sale of the house is going quickly and your mom is being cooperative.  I am sure it does help with her cooperation that it's a family.

[giramomma]

Oct 3, 2024 11:22:07 GMT -5 wvugurl26 said:

The problem is not only did it not work out for DQ's grandma, it's caused many problems and stress for DQ. That's not acceptable. Yes, nursing homes suck but she could have been in a better place if she hadn't been cheap and stubborn. Causing DQ stress, gray hair and job issues is not okay.

You may want to stay home and that's all well and good but it shouldn't come at the expense of family members sanity and job. That's the part she is absolutely allowed to be mad about. DQ has a family to support. Risking her job because grandma didn't want to go somewhere is not okay.

The hard part about it is only one person in DQ and her grandma's relationship thinks there's an actual problem. And it ain't grandma.

There's still a part of my mom that thinks that I am wrong for not quitting work, moving by my parents and taking care of them. Because that is what she did. She doesn't have enough reasoning power to understand her situation was different than mine. In her head. It's just that simple. She has no responsibility in how things got to where they were, because she never had any responsibility in the first place. All of that, was placed at my feet. It's always been someone else's fault. Mine, dad's, her parents, her extended family, the clergy, God, the check out girl at the grocery store. 

And somehow, my mom figures she was owed a pass at being responsible. Because being responsible is not fun. And she determined she was entitled to fun.

[bookkeeper]

Oct 4, 2024 9:33:08 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

That's great bookkeeper that the sale of the house is going quickly and your mom is being cooperative.  I am sure it does help with her cooperation that it's a family.

She also really likes the apartment we got for her when her house was smoke damaged.  She felt lonely rattling around in that 1600 sq. ft. house 7 miles from town.  Mom has embraced small town living.  The grocery store, church, supper club and undertaker are all a few blocks away.  She told me last visit that she feels the 700 sq. ft. apartment is a much better situation for her.

I mention undertaker, because Mom was going to funerals and visitations for something to do when she was out on the farm.  It was something to do with a lot of people around.  Now that the funeral home is a half a block away, she has found other ways to socialize.  That's what she likes most about the trailer park in TX.  Lots of people around and scheduled activities.  

[jerseygirl]

Happy your mom no longer needs to go to funerals for company!

[bookkeeper]

She has outlived her husband and most all of her/their friends.  She is the last of her friend group.  She is also the grand dame of the trailer park.  Been there longer than anyone else at this point.

[lurkyloo]

It’s sort of remarkable to see the difference between OB’s friends and my friends.  His friends are actively positive about my mother, and relatively happy to help.  My side have seen how my mother treats me    They’ll do things for her occasionally as a favor to me, but it’s absolutely a favor and interacting with her is mildly distasteful to them.  Curious what her interactions are/ were like with YB’s friends.

Still trying to fully disengage.  Assessment scheduled for early-mid Nov with a geriatric case manager.  It was more of a pain than I hoped to get her prescriptions filled, although they are 90 day scrips so that helps.  Trying to get OB more involved with some success.  The GCM is going to be a hard sell.  She is doing ok with accepting the in home aides, but they are scheduled to escalate this week/add 3 1-hour visits. OB gets to handle that. He also gets to handle trying to change her PCP.

She doesn’t get to talk to DS.  And I’ve cut contact way back, I call just on Saturdays and order her Arby’s on doordash.  I suppose it’s progress of a sort.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I think I am going to email Bill just for peace of mind.  I really don't want to be POA anymore but I am having a really hard time sitting back the more stupid stuff this person does and the more I learn.

Dad was taking care of GU's estate yesterday and the lawyer told him he had paperwork for me to sign for grandma to say there is nothing to inherit and she understands that blah blah.  My dad told him according to the nursing home I am no longer POA.

Lawyer said they can't just decide I am not POA and put someone else in my place.  They have to notify Bill who holds the POA and notify me.  They were also supposed to as I said notify all parties involved that I have been replaced.

According to the law I am still POA.  I could create WWIII if I wanted to right now by moving all of grandma's money after the stunt this person pulled.  At minimum I can revoke their ability to withdraw money automatically because they violated the agreement I set it up under and make this person have to attempt to order checks.  Checks start coming in with someone else's name on them fur would REALLY start flying.

Which reminds me I'll need to check her bank account again here in a few weeks.  They tried to take $6k again I am going right back to the bank.  The bank said they would block it second time since I said I never authorized the nursing home to take that much let alone overdraft her.  Lawyer said that was HUGE HUGE no no this person pulled.

At the end of the day it will be a battle between DHS and the home/this new guardian which I don't want a part of.  However ethically I don't feel like I can just sit on my hands.  I do not have the time/money to fight in court to get this person to go away.  I am also sticking to my guns of not lifting a finger to help this person out because if you are hired by the courts you should freaking know what you are doing.  I am not going to save them from making a big enough mistake DHS gets involved.  They deserve it.

I just want to know my grandma's Medicaid is safe.  That was more work than any human should reasonably have to go through and I don't want her well being jeopardized because of greedy nursing homes and stupid court appointed guardians.  November 1st is the date when her paperwork is due.

If I know she's safe I can truly let it all go.   I wish I was the type of person who could just turn my back and let the world burn because none of this was my fault and I didn't want to be involved to begin with but I can't.  

[lurkyloo]

Who is Bill?  

Ya, the more you describe the more unethical and gross the nursing home sounds.  But this sort of drawn out legal fight, mostly just the lawyers win    Definitely no need to cooperate.

I am lucky my mother is willing to accept my judgement on a lot of things.  She’s loosened up some on her frugality-still frugal on some things, she was horrified at $18 for a haircut at the Aveda school-but in general my time is worth something and I’m willing to drop a couple hundred on eldercare supplies rather than spend hours going through every box in the overstuffed garage.  She in turn is also very conscious of not owing anything and keeps wanting to reimburse me (waiting for confirmation that her SS is fixed before I let her, the carpet replacement alone was $1600.  I suppose she’ll still be ahead at least $25K so maybe it cancels out…). But she approves of me e.g. doordashing Arbys for her and wants to reimburse that.

She originally hated the idea of aides but seems to have come around to some extent.  It helps that she really liked the most recent Sunday person they sent.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Oct 10, 2024 8:46:16 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Who is Bill?  

Ya, the more you describe the more unethical and gross the nursing home sounds.  But this sort of drawn out legal fight, mostly just the lawyers win    Definitely no need to cooperate.

I am lucky my mother is willing to accept my judgement on a lot of things.  She’s loosened up some on her frugality-still frugal on some things, she was horrified at $18 for a haircut at the Aveda school-but in general my time is worth something and I’m willing to drop a couple hundred on eldercare supplies rather than spend hours going through every box in the overstuffed garage.  She in turn is also very conscious of not owing anything and keeps wanting to reimburse me (waiting for confirmation that her SS is fixed before I let her, the carpet replacement alone was $1600.  I suppose she’ll still be ahead at least $25K so maybe it cancels out…). But she approves of me e.g. doordashing Arbys for her and wants to reimburse that.

She originally hated the idea of aides but seems to have come around to some extent.  It helps that she really liked the most recent Sunday person they sent.

The lawyer who drew up and legally holds my grandmother's POA. He was hired to represent my grandma and her best interests.  Which at the time was me being POA.

He told my dad the nursing home couldn't just decide my dad isn't medical POA either.  He was removed as financial but they couldn't unilaterally take away medical.  So from a legal standpoint my dad is still medical POA as well as me being financial POA.   There has to be written notice from the courts given to Bill that demonstrate we have been formally removed.

Neither has happened.

I just got tired of saying "the lawyer" after awhile.

While I am not going to lift a finger to help and neither is my dad in the back of my head I am concerned about if she needs significant medical care.  Supposedly according to the home this person gets to make the call.  But what if is something that we as the family disagree with like keeping my grandma alive so they can milk Medicare?

As with everything else she didn't ever make a living will because she apparently thought she would either never die or my mom would pull the plug on purpose (which you would think would have made her MORE inclined to outline her wishes but whatever) so I am not sure who wins in that instance.

Maybe I am overthinking it all.  I vented to my dad about it all last night and how none of this had to turn out the way it did.   That is more what frustrates me about all of this.  Not only did it end this way but because of it she managed to poison her relationship with my dad and I to boot.  All because she had to be a cheap stubborn narcissistic old bat.

BUT she is my grandmother and despite it all I care about her and will advocate for her best interests.  Despite what the nursing home thinks about me.  They don't like me because I actually look out for HER best interests which are in direct conflict with theirs. 

I'm not getting into a legal battle over it all but I can continue to ruffle feathers when called for.