Aging Parent Support Thread

[raeoflyte]

Jan 24, 2019 16:18:49 GMT -5 Bonny said:

Jan 24, 2019 16:09:44 GMT -5 bean29 said:

No, I do not think your wishing to outlive your DD is horrible.  I have a friend who has a sister that is also Obese.  She is Bi-Polar and she has ALS.  They put her in a skilled nursing facility.  My friend just had surgery on her shoulder, and I stopped by to help her with something.  My friend mentioned that her DS is lactose intolerant, but the staff at the facility that day had served her DS Grilled Cheese sandwiches for two meals that day.  I can't figure out why they would do that, but they did.  It kind of goes along with something you said in an earlier post.  The staff really must hate her, and want her to suffer.  I would think they would not do that, because someone has to clean her up, but I guess maybe they just don't do it.

It's probably not deliberate. Around here caregiving staff is some of the lowest paid work in the area. It's hard to keep places sufficiently staffed. I think a lot of mistakes get made because people are in a hurry and aren't able to pay close attention due to the understaffing problem.

Agreed, and the kitchen staff is different than the CNA's.  I don't know how often they look at their diet to see if that is causing issues.  At least where my grandparents were, they would get a menu for each meal and they could pick what they wanted.  The kitchen staff knew there were some limitations, but I'm sure there were mistakes especially when there were new people.  My grandmother ordered a ham sandwich every day for lunch for over 9 years, and would order that for dinner too when she didn't like the main meal.  Not the greatest thing to eat everyday, but no one was going to stop her.  

[TheOtherMe]

In the hospitalizations leading up to my gallbladder surgery, I had a terrible time convincing the hospital dietitian that I am a vegetarian (yes, that means fish and chicken) and lactose intolerant.  

Several meals were sent back for that reason.

[azucena]

Jan 24, 2019 15:47:21 GMT -5 countrygirl2 said:

My son put a portable in their downstairs bathroom, I don't know how much they use it.  They have them everywhere overseas, but I'm not sure it would help.

I hate to be graphic but her posterior is so big I don't think she could sit on one.  Honestly she needs to spread out her cheeks to stop the problem.  She has become so obese, well I think you understand.  If I can get her to do it its ok.  That is why she needs a bathtub and we do have a sprayer for her.  She is 5'3" and weighs 192.  She isn't eating as much, I really watch what she eats though she sneaks food in at times.  I go through her room and get rid of it.  

She has diverticulosis so bad, its through her small and large intestines.  It is so bad they would not even try to fix her hemmoroids.  The gastro doc in Texas many years ago wanted to remove her colon completely and do an ostomy, I said no.  I consulted with her other docs they agreed, they were like me caring for it would be a nightmare, but its coming I think.  We had a colonoscopy last year and they said she is very debilitated.  It took the anesthesiologist to finally get a line for an IV started.  I have to leave its so painful. They cannot find good veins.   I doubt they will do anymore.

The doc in Texas said if it got like it did before, the colon perforated she could die, yes, we are aware of that.  She almost did at age 25 when they had to do a resection.

She has been eating more salad, likely have to pull back on that, have to watch what she eats and her diet isn't good.  She would live on pasta.  But reducing her sodas, she watches and does not eat seeds, popcorn, or nuts, hubs said try telling her the docs said she cannot drink soda either, so I will do that.  Will let her on occasion, but try to reduce, she keeps getting her little pleasures taken away, sigh.

She has so many issues, not going to reiterate them here.  I was just tired last night and yes I get aggravated.  She is having this happen more often and not wanting to wear her protective garments.  That helps a lot, going to have to be tough again. 

Our hopes are we out live her, some of you will think that is horrible, some will understand. 

An ostomy isn't the end of the world. If it comes to that, I can help connect you with support.

[countrygirl2]

I don't know if this is the time or not.  On top of it we just lost her doctor, he moved away from here end of December is still filling scrips till end of January, I need to double check he has given her several refills.  I am going to have to hunt.  I have no idea who I am going to find, so that is an issue too.  I do have a gastro doc, a very good one.  If this continues through the weekend going to see if I can get in to him. And we have a minor ER clinic, we have gone to enough, both know her.

But in the interim, I told her she is going to have to help me.  She had a smaller mess in the bathroom tonight.  Sometimes if you hold her accountable like wetting herself she can control it.  I'm thinking some of the drugs she is taking may be contributing. the doc told me it could be contributing to her sometime incontinence. I need to see.

Going to check on her diet and her meds and see if there is something I can do.  But she can  help keep herself clean if she will.  She said she drank no soda today.  I let her have one with dinner.  I explained I don't know if that is aggravating her but she needs to cutback anyway.  The last couple of weeks she has drank a lot.  And I'm aggravated and tired and hubs jumps on me because he thinks she can't help it.  With her you never know. I have reasons for saying that I don't want to go into. He has no idea about hygiene issues.  Sometimes its just exhausting.  But enough about this, the thread is about aged parents.  I'm not having to deal with that at least.  The 2nd is MILs birthday 93, so we have to do something, I told hubs just let me know what he wants me to do.

[empress of self-improvement]

The joys never end. MIL is currently in the hospital. She fell for the umpteenth time yesterday morning and was taken in. Apparently, she broke a rib. She is going to be sent to rehab, right after they find her somewhere. So currently she is in the ER because there are no beds. Yippee. So I get to finish my coffee and go spend my afternoon at the hospital and pray DH manages to not fall again.

[TheOtherMe]

I"m sorry.  

[buystoys]

Man, empress of self-improvement, you just can't catch a break.  Crossing my fingers that nothing else goes wrong for you this weekend.

[countrygirl2]

That's bad, been there with DD and mom.  One was having issues, the other had just had surgery.  Had to leave mom at the house alone while DD was in surgery, it was not good.  Hubs was working out of town as usual.  That was when I lost my temp job after having had to quit my good job.    I had not worked for quite a few months thinking I could again, no.

My best to you.  It is a kind of tired and exhausting I just can't describe.  It just beats you down.  There will be better days.  I knew with my aged mom it would eventually end.  I knew with my DD it never would.

[Deleted]

Jan 26, 2019 10:43:18 GMT -5 empress of self-improvement said:

The joys never end. MIL is currently in the hospital. She fell for the umpteenth time yesterday morning and was taken in. Apparently, she broke a rib. She is going to be sent to rehab, right after they find her somewhere. So currently she is in the ER because there are no beds. Yippee. So I get to finish my coffee and go spend my afternoon at the hospital and pray DH manages to not fall again.

Make sure she gets admitted to the hospital before she goes into rehab if she has Medicare.  They cover rehab only if you are admitted to the hospital and then sent there.  I've read sad stories about people who were hit with large bills because they were in the hospital only "for observation" and then sent to rehab.

[Bonny]

Jan 26, 2019 10:43:18 GMT -5 empress of self-improvement said:

The joys never end. MIL is currently in the hospital. She fell for the umpteenth time yesterday morning and was taken in. Apparently, she broke a rib. She is going to be sent to rehab, right after they find her somewhere. So currently she is in the ER because there are no beds. Yippee. So I get to finish my coffee and go spend my afternoon at the hospital and pray DH manages to not fall again.

How did it go? Does she have a new home? Do they do rehab for a broken rib? When Dad broke three a couple months ago they just observed him for a while since he also gave himself a concussion.

Headed to the skilled nursing facilities today, long term care tomorrow.

Probably won't be checking in again for a few days. 

[empress of self-improvement]

She had been admitted to the hospital and then was sent to rehab yesterday. Now my SIL is looking for a long-term facility for after rehab. Better her than me.
In the meantime, dingleberry fell again, this morning. This time, the FD picked him up. He was unhappy about that but tough shit. I need to work, pal!

[Works4me]

Jan 30, 2019 10:49:50 GMT -5 empress of self-improvement said:

...In the meantime, dingleberry fell again, this morning. This time, the FD picked him up. He was unhappy about that but tough shit. I need to work, pal!

Good move calling the FD. Do you think he is falling on purpose so you have to come home?

[mmhmm]

Jan 30, 2019 10:49:50 GMT -5 empress of self-improvement said:

She had been admitted to the hospital and then was sent to rehab yesterday. Now my SIL is looking for a long-term facility for after rehab. Better her than me.
In the meantime, dingleberry fell again, this morning. This time, the FD picked him up. He was unhappy about that but tough shit. I need to work, pal!

Glad to hear your SIL is taking over some of the necessary business. You've got enough on your plate!

[Bonny]

Thought I would give an update from my trip.

Looked at one skilled, drove by another and visited five assisted living facilities. It's quite an education figuring this stuff out! Think I found one that will work and will fit the budget. Bigger facility with a lot of activities and a large "campus" so he can still do his walking.

His oncologist gave him a tough talk and he's fighting moving. Girlfriend has asked us not to tell him he's moving until we find a place because she says she has to live with him. He's not violent but it sounds like he can be verbally abusive. I know that from growing up with him!

I'm organizing my next trip and think I will be heading back down for a week or so on Feb 21. My one highlight will be seeing my bff from childhood who will be visiting from France. I haven't seen her for two years.  

[countrygirl2]

Yes, that can be horrible, I've been through that with MIL and with mom. Don't take it personally what they say.  Just think how you would feel in the circumstances, it helps a little.

[Bonny]

Feb 9, 2019 22:01:22 GMT -5 countrygirl2 said:

Yes, that can be horrible, I've been through that with MIL and with mom. Don't take it personally what they say.  Just think how you would feel in the circumstances, it helps a little.

I THINK I would be a lot more cooperative.

When Mom and Dad kicked me out of the house I didn't fight them, I didn't ask for anything. I knew I wasn't wanted anymore, picked up my stuff and left. It was clearly time to move on.

And it wasn't really about me it was about THEM and their issues. They didn't perceive me being helpful (even though I tried very, very hard to be helpful).

I hope I can reason with him but I fear it will take a crisis.

[TheOtherMe]

I'm sorry.  I am afraid it's going to take a crisis with dad to be able to reason with my sister.  She is in denial that he has dementia.

[countrygirl2]

You mean your parents kicked you out of the house and now you are having to help them?  You must have a bigger heart them me.

[Bonny]

Feb 10, 2019 12:59:01 GMT -5 countrygirl2 said:

You mean your parents kicked you out of the house and now you are having to help them?  You must have a bigger heart them me.

Yes.

I was 23ish had graduated from college (on my own dime) but was suffering from a very severe case of depression. My parents were drinking heavily, were basically bankrupt and having their own relationship issues. I'm kind of fuzzy on the details because it was a really bad time in my life.

Fortunately I overcame those obstacles, met my husband and moved on (for the most part) with my life. I still get depressed from time to time (really can come out if I drink too much).

You DO have a big heart. I'm amazed at what you've done.

[countrygirl2]

Sometimes I don't Bonny.  I am not as forgiving as I should be and I get depressed too.  I just try to keep it inside.  Taking care of my daughter all my life was not my plan.  But I also can't stand to have her suffer, so that is something I haven't been able to let go of.

[ilovedolphins]

I have a hard time accepting the fact that my brother and his adult children live right across the street from my parents and they won't go over and help them with things.  I am starting to resent them and I need to pull myself out of it.  My mom is 85 with Parkinson's and macular degeneration.  My dad is 83 and has balance issues.  He now has an infected sore on his leg and his feet are swollen tremendously.  I take off work on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday to take him to the wound center.  I give my mom a shower on Wednesday night and take her to the hair dresser on my lunch on Thursday.  I take them to all their doctor appointments, fill their pills, pay their bills, do their shopping, etc.  My brother gets 7 days off work in a row and doesn't leave his house.  He doesn't even give them a second thought or how much it is affecting my life and job.

I am happy to help them because I know when they are gone I will feel good about myself knowing that I did everything I could to help them.  But sometimes I have very ill feelings towards my brother and his family.

[mollyanna58]

Feb 11, 2019 20:56:19 GMT -5 ilovedolphins said:

I have a hard time accepting the fact that my brother and his adult children live right across the street from my parents and they won't go over and help them with things.  I am starting to resent them and I need to pull myself out of it.  My mom is 85 with Parkinson's and macular degeneration.  My dad is 83 and has balance issues.  He now has an infected sore on his leg and his feet are swollen tremendously.  I take off work on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday to take him to the wound center.  I give my mom a shower on Wednesday night and take her to the hair dresser on my lunch on Thursday.  I take them to all their doctor appointments, fill their pills, pay their bills, do their shopping, etc.  My brother gets 7 days off work in a row and doesn't leave his house.  He doesn't even give them a second thought or how much it is affecting my life and job.

I am happy to help them because I know when they are gone I will feel good about myself knowing that I did everything I could to help them.  But sometimes I have very ill feelings towards my brother and his family.

I don't blame you for feeling that way.  Have you asked your brother to help?

[ilovedolphins]

Yes I have.  He knows they have all these appointments and always says he has to work on these certain days and then when the appointment is over he lets me know that he isn't working that day.  He just doesn't want to help and when he does help he has no patience with them because he doesn't want to do the stuff in the first place.  I am going to try and set them up for meals on wheels until my dad gets better.  Then he won't have to cook lunch and wash dishes.

[mollyanna58]

I'm sorry your brother is so unhelpful and selfish.

I am very appreciative that my siblings all help in some way to care for our mother. 

[zibazinski]

Feb 11, 2019 21:53:25 GMT -5 ilovedolphins said:

Yes I have.  He knows they have all these appointments and always says he has to work on these certain days and then when the appointment is over he lets me know that he isn't working that day.  He just doesn't want to help and when he does help he has no patience with them because he doesn't want to do the stuff in the first place.  I am going to try and set them up for meals on wheels until my dad gets better.  Then he won't have to cook lunch and wash dishes.

That stuff just pisses me off. Guys shove that crap onto women but they’re sure there with their hands out wanting an inheritance if there’s any to be had. You should keep track of your hours and if there is an estate, demand payment from it before it’s distributed.

[azucena]

Feb 11, 2019 21:53:25 GMT -5 ilovedolphins said:

Yes I have.  He knows they have all these appointments and always says he has to work on these certain days and then when the appointment is over he lets me know that he isn't working that day.  He just doesn't want to help and when he does help he has no patience with them because he doesn't want to do the stuff in the first place.  I am going to try and set them up for meals on wheels until my dad gets better.  Then he won't have to cook lunch and wash dishes.

Maybe you could try telling him that if he isn't going to help with medical stuff, then he could pay to have their groceries and other items delivered to save you some time.

[empress of self-improvement]

ilovedolphins, I'd be slapping your brother. I thought my sister was useless but she did step up every once in a while. Geez. I'm sorry.

Update on MIL: she is currently in an assisted-living facility. I'm not sure what she's thinking about it. On one hand, SIL says she like it and has a new friend and seems to be ok. On the other hand, she says she is not staying there permanently and wants to know when she's leaving. I was going to go visit her today but I have a cold so I'm staying home. That, and it started snowing. Thanks but no thanks.

DH is just bumbling along. No more falls since the last one, thank God for small favors. That's about it for him. Same old, same old otherwise.

[ilovedolphins]

Feb 12, 2019 5:25:16 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Feb 11, 2019 21:53:25 GMT -5 ilovedolphins said:

Yes I have.  He knows they have all these appointments and always says he has to work on these certain days and then when the appointment is over he lets me know that he isn't working that day.  He just doesn't want to help and when he does help he has no patience with them because he doesn't want to do the stuff in the first place.  I am going to try and set them up for meals on wheels until my dad gets better.  Then he won't have to cook lunch and wash dishes.

That stuff just pisses me off. Guys shove that crap onto women but they’re sure there with their hands out wanting an inheritance if there’s any to be had. You should keep track of your hours and if there is an estate, demand payment from it before it’s distributed.

That is exactly how it is going to be I am afraid.  My sister in law has already told me that when the time comes my brother can have all the old coins and I can have my mom's "costume" jewelry.  There will definitely be a smack down then.

They have no interest or time to help but they definitely have time to criticize how I am doing things.  My dad has an infected sore on the side of his leg that they are wiping clean and rebandaging 3 times a week.  It is so painful that he can hardly stand it for 6 hours after the appointment.  The doctor that he goes to tells him every appointment that he asks for pain medicine that he isn't going to prescribe any because my dad falls down a couple times a year and the doctor said he isn't taking the risk of him falling.  He needs the pain medicine to get through this but the doctor refuses.  I told him he needed to go to another doctor.  Last year when my dad had a bleeding ulcer and almost died the doctors in another town gave him pain medicine so that is what he is taking.

My brother told me tonight that I needed to manipulate the doctor into giving him some.  I don't know how I am supposed to do that when he won't.  But somehow I am supposed to get him pain medicine.  Maybe if I am doing such a bad job at the medical stuff he should take him to the doctor but he won't do that.

[countrygirl2]

I had to go to a pain management doctor, my doc referred me.  There are constraints on them I think of prescribing about 6 days worth and no more.  It sounds like your folks need more care then you are about to give and need to be in a facility.  Have you considered that?  I suppose your folks would fight it, but there comes a time when someone has to be there full time.  I couldn't work and do all that needed done.  Thank goodness I had a husband with a good job.  But it could have ended bad for us.

Also they are on medicare I assume and there could be in home care that will help them.  You might talk to the medicare office and see what is available to help them. It gets to be overwhelming.

[Bonny]

Feb 12, 2019 19:37:39 GMT -5 countrygirl2 said:

I had to go to a pain management doctor, my doc referred me.  There are constraints on them I think of prescribing about 6 days worth and no more.  It sounds like your folks need more care then you are about to give and need to be in a facility.  Have you considered that?  I suppose your folks would fight it, but there comes a time when someone has to be there full time.  I couldn't work and do all that needed done.  Thank goodness I had a husband with a good job.  But it could have ended bad for us.

Also they are on medicare I assume and there could be in home care that will help them.  You might talk to the medicare office and see what is available to help them. It gets to be overwhelming.

Unfortunately I just found out the hard way that wound care that doesn't require a nurse won't be paid by Medicare/Medicaid.

My dad's girlfriend had another screaming meltdown with me on Monday because of having to take him to Kaiser 3x week for on-going wound care.

I'm trying to see if I can move him into a facility on March 2nd.