Battling Depression

[Pink Cashmere]

I don’t do well with winter either.

There are zero windows on the workroom floor at my job. Also, 5 or 6 years ago, they changed all of the overhead lighting on the workroom floor. They had the new lights installed so far apart, that it was a dramatic difference in how much more dim the building is. But they said it passed OSHA regulations. It bothered me for a long time, until I finally got use to it. But in hindsight, did I really?

I just had another aha moment. I have complained that our house does not not have good windows for me to grow plants and doesn’t get a lot of natural light. Well, that probably is not helpful for me either. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been aware that I NEED sunlight. 

It’s dark at work, it’s dark at home, and during winter, it’s dark and gloomy outside.

As time goes on and I realize “small” things like that, that have changed in my environment, over the last several years, in addition to bigger things, I feel like it’s no wonder I eventually started struggling.

Starting Sunday, it will be dark when I leave work to go home. Not looking forward to that at all.

I think I will lookin into one of those lamps y’all were talking about.

[busymom]

This kind of goes with how I feel about this time of year.  Probably a good rule to follow in other months too:

[finnime]

busymom , that's great for introverts the world over.

[azucena]

I feel like I'm finally figuring that out in my 40s.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

My problem os the thing that drains my energy the most I cant legally say no to.

I did set some boundaries and now Ive hired help to take some weight off.

Elder care is no joke and it infuriates me the government positipn on it is you are doing your familial duty.

IMO I should at least get a tax deduction because this takes up a lot of my time and effort. People have to quit their jobs in a lot of cases.

The satisfaction of doing a good deed doesnt pay the mortgage. It doesnt improve your annual review.

Ugh.

I keep telling myself we are in the home stretch.

Im missing my mom a lot.

And like everyone else I dont do well with the constant dark. Everything starts to piss me off.

Fortunately I know its coming and can compensate. I think the antidepressant should help a lot I wasnt on it yet this time last year.

[finnime]

Pretty good article on SAD: NY Times SAD article

It does point out that Wellbutrin, buproprion, can help in addition to light therapy. I wonder if the switch to/from DST makes things worse for certain people, too. Light of some sort is a basic human need.

[TheOtherMe]

The getting dark so early definitely messes with my head.

[daisylu]

Nov 9, 2023 10:28:02 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

The getting dark so early definitely messes with my head.

Same. Saturday night it was pitch black here at 6PM. You would have thought it was midnight. This also throws off my internal clock, as I want to go to bed earlier. But then I am lucky if I am able to sleep for 4 hours straight.

[TheOtherMe]

My body has not yet adjusted to standard time and it stinks.

[daisylu]

I fell asleep in the recliner while watching the NFL game last night. Just a catnap, really. When DH saw that I was awake he expressed his concern. It was probably around 9PM, which is not unusual for me, but he has noticed that my sleep pattern has been wonky.  I have also been having some stomach issues this last week, so the combination has him worried that there is something going on with my health.

I explained to him that the sleep thing is the time change. A lot of people have the same sort of issue after the "spring forward" change where an hour is lost. Mine is the "fall back". I know that it is actually a health issue and this year it has hit me probably the hardest that it has in a very long time. Doctor has raised my vitamin D, we will see how it goes.

It was pitch black by 5:30 last night.   I do not currently have a wall calendar, but I think I will print out one for November & December. Winter Solstice is 12/22 and the daylight hours start to increase. Albeit slowly, but it does give me a focal reminder.

[TheOtherMe]

I have sleep disturbance from both time changes and my body has not yet settled in to this change--nor have the cats.  They look at me crazy now that the electronic feeders disburse food at 7 AM.  It is too hard to change the time, so for 6 months it feeds them at 7 AM and 5 PM.  

[azucena]

At a new therapist for DD15. She requested in person and thankfully school counseling assessment helped us find open provider quickly. Let's hope it's a good fit.

Dd11 has had a couple of bad evenings. Complete meltdowns. Stressed about upcoming field trip where they get to go to Biz town and work pretend jobs for the day. She applied to be CEO of some company and was assigned CFO at the bank. She's interpreted this as teacher thinking she's not good enough to be CEO and also somehow not good enough at math. Even dd15 was like um, mathy people are CFO dealing with the numbers. When dd11 gets like this there is no reasoning with her. Plus she just cries and screams for hours. It's heartbreaking and exhausting.

Had just seen teacher over the weekend and she was excited about DDs job assignment.

[azucena]

Tried to just sit and hold her thru the crying hoping my body and breathing would help regulate her. She fought it. Went on for almost 3 hours last night. Then 30 mins later she came and crawled in bed with me as close as possible.

We cut therapy to every other week since the school yr was going so well. Plus dd is complaining that it doesn't help anyway. I think it does, it's just slow going.

So much negativity in her head.

[finnime]

That's so hard for you both, azucena. I hope your DD develops the capacity to manage her runaway anxiety sooner than later. Maybe hormones are part of it? I remember those days. I wish for you both an easier path forward.

[finnime]

We should each and all celebrate the winter solstice this year. Make a yule log cake and everything, breaking through the darkness.

[azucena]

Nov 15, 2023 4:25:27 GMT -5 finnime said:

We should each and all celebrate the winter solstice this year. Make a yule log cake and everything, breaking through the darkness.

I'm in and could host a virtual happy hour if anyone is interested.

[azucena]

Hormones are definitely part of it. Physical signs are there.

DD15 wondered if the meltdowns are DD11s version of a panic attack. She def works herself up the point of me worrying she will vomit.

Helped check math hw this morning and it was much smoother than the evenings. That may be a new trick. She wants me to check it more since it's gotten harder and she'd like higher hw grades to prop up her overall grade. Not sure if I mentioned here that she got a B+ in it first quarter which made for a rough few days and begging to drop back down to regular math. She'd be bored out of her mind as they are still reviewing addition and subtraction of multiple digits while she's learning the beg of algebra.

Was kinda nice to get first B out of the way and the world didn't end.

[finnime]

Nov 15, 2023 9:01:22 GMT -5 azucena said:

Nov 15, 2023 4:25:27 GMT -5 finnime said:

We should each and all celebrate the winter solstice this year. Make a yule log cake and everything, breaking through the darkness.

I'm in and could host a virtual happy hour if anyone is interested.

Raising hand over here on the east coast.

[azucena]

Nov 15, 2023 10:30:34 GMT -5 finnime said:

Nov 15, 2023 9:01:22 GMT -5 azucena said:

I'm in and could host a virtual happy hour if anyone is interested.

Raising hand over here on the east coast.

PM sent. Anyone else interested, pls IM me with your email address to receive invite.

[daisylu]

Nov 15, 2023 10:42:02 GMT -5 azucena said:

Nov 15, 2023 10:30:34 GMT -5 finnime said:

Raising hand over here on the east coast.

PM sent. Anyone else interested, pls IM me with your email address to receive invite.

PM sent.

[daisylu]

Having a difficult day. We took down a bunch of trees to protect the new roof, which I am fine with. ILs have been cutting up the wood for their wood stove this week. Also ok. From my work window I just saw DH & FIL looking at the outside dog pen like they were looking at a way to tear it down. I'm not ok with that. When our blue heeler died I wanted to take a baseball to the pen, DH would not let me. And now he just wants to tear it down 5 years later? For nothing other than clearing the land. We don't need the space. I do not know how to not be angry right now.

[daisylu]

Our dining table has stayed free of clutter for 2 weeks. With everything else that has been going on, I feel pretty good about that.

[TheOtherMe]

The area I have a problem with is the kitchen island.  It's never been anything other than a place for clutter.

[finnime]

I'm looking forward to the happy hour azucena has put together for the 21st. It will be nice to do something just for me.

It's this time of year more than any other that has me pondering the passage of time. It's a jolt to see how little and how much has changed in the past year. And December, as always, has me focused on everyone else. Sometimes this introvert needs to be alone with online peeps.

[azucena]

Looking fwd to happy hour too.

Beginning to ponder how much of my marriage issues are adding to DDs anxiety. Not a pretty picture and no clear answers.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Dec 4, 2023 10:24:10 GMT -5 azucena said:

Looking fwd to happy hour too.

Beginning to ponder how much of my marriage issues are adding to DDs anxiety. Not a pretty picture and no clear answers.

I'm not saying this to be mean but because of my own experiences in my marriage and then being a kid in my parents' house. . .probably A LOT.

And I know that a lot of people tend to jump to divorce is the answer.  And sometimes it is.   

As a kid I was terrified of my parents getting divorced.  As an adult I am much more open minded about it.   I am with my mom gone happy they got 40 years together and I know my parents loved each other very much but . . .damn.  Love isn't always enough.

I've come very close to divorcing DH and I have outlined to him the reason is because I don't want my girls living with his shit and the tension it causes in our marriage.  Should I have gone through with it?  IDK.  

Like you said no easy answers.  I'm sure I'll find out in Gwen's future tell all book.

[azucena]

Positive update - DD15 had her second mtg with her new therapist yesterday and came out smiling. She said she feels really connected already and got some good advice. A couple hours later, she told me that therapist said to name her anxiety and talk to it like a person. Sit him down in a chair in her room and say stuff like, hey I know you're trying to keep me safe and I appreciate it but I'm gonna need you to settle down bc I'm going to do x about situation y so I've got it handled. I had heard something similar on a podcast and it resonated with me.

So now she'll be talking to Roberto in her room   

[daisylu]

Fighting to remind myself to not be my own worst enemy. I always self sabotage when things are better than I think they should be.

[TheOtherMe]

I have never used Microsoft Teams so I did a test run last night.  

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Dec 19, 2023 11:04:16 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

I have never used Microsoft Teams so I did a test run last night.  

It's one of the few Microsoft softwares I actually like. I prefer it to Zoom.