Battling Depression

[azucena]

Apr 4, 2024 7:46:52 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

My anxiety is getting worse and I'd love some suggestions.

I exercise multiple times a week, but I'm sure I should exercise more. I have hobbies. I journal. I need better sleep hygiene. I'm not tired when I get dc to sleep even after reading for 30-45 min so I've started scrolling or putting a show on and I need to stop that.

Work, marriage, household, mental load are all stressful and not going to get better anytime soon. Work will get worse, but is also exciting.

If you're in therapy for anxiety what kind would you recommend? That's mostly what dc does, which is talk therapy and coming up with coping mechanisms. Which I guess I need because I do keep hitting the same walls, but talk therapy isn't what I'm looking for.

I just get stuck on all the balls that get dropped or are nearly dropped these days and can't see the ones that keep going anymore. And it just makes me drop more.

Aw, shoot Rae.

Vitamin D supplements have been key for me personally. along with my scripts.

DD11 is trying EMDR along with talk therapy. The therapist is having her picture her day and as they find triggers, figuring out ways to minimize them so she can start to tune them out. Like mean boy is constantly singing which drives her batty, so now she pictures squeezing him into a tiny person between two fingers as she walks past him in the hallway so all she can hear is meep, meep, meep. Not a great explanation I'm sure.

I've been learning how to drop the balls that don't matter or have the least potential for backlash both at work and home. I just couldn't continue to juggle the number and speed I had been. This means asking my kids to pitch in as they are capable or getting them to narrow down activities - the number of things kids can do these days prob isn't healthy for families. Leaning on DH. Hiring housecleaner. Using my raise to pay more for pre-made meals instead of being a packrat and putting most of it in savings.

Carving time for myself - going out with friends, reading when I can, and just plain being lazy. Following several NCAA women's teams this season and texting a bit with Theo about them was so much fun. As I finish a friend date, I try to schedule another one with someone in the next two weeks. That has gotten me past letting months fly by without really going out.

At work it means working on the big rocks. What's going to make my company money? I try to start each day asking that about my crazy to do list. Someone wants some small tweak to internal report - yeah, do it yourself, find an actuarial student, etc. I'm beginning to ignore about 1/3 of my internal daily email requests. Something like 10% circle back and ask a second time, the rest seem to vanish into would have been nice to have but not needed enough for the requested to ask again. 

Delegate, delegate, delegate work. 

Watching some fb reels about mental load really helped give me perspective.

DD11's psychiatrist explained that for emotions to stop rattling around in the back, less developed part of our brain, they have to come out thru talking/sharing or journaling. This forces them to pass through the frontal lobe where logic can be applied to sort thru them. Also applies to negative self talk and worry. That really makes sense to me so have been trying to apply it myself and keep reminding both girls.

[raeoflyte]

Apr 4, 2024 15:32:37 GMT -5 finnime said:

The only suggestion I have for anxiety is meditation. Mindfulness really does help slow the gerbil in your head down and allow you to focus on one ball at a time, to mix metaphors. Do you meditate, raeoflyte? 

What does it say that your question made me lol for real.

I do meditate, mostly at the dojo or with my trainer but just brought up how difficult it is for me. That I have to focus on the emptiness/letting thoughts go and that when that is completely impossible I focus on my intention for the time at hand. It's not for any larger purpose puts knots in my stomach.

I do breathing exercises with dc for acute issues.

[raeoflyte]

Apr 4, 2024 16:02:26 GMT -5 azucena said:

Apr 4, 2024 7:46:52 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

My anxiety is getting worse and I'd love some suggestions.

I exercise multiple times a week, but I'm sure I should exercise more. I have hobbies. I journal. I need better sleep hygiene. I'm not tired when I get dc to sleep even after reading for 30-45 min so I've started scrolling or putting a show on and I need to stop that.

Work, marriage, household, mental load are all stressful and not going to get better anytime soon. Work will get worse, but is also exciting.

If you're in therapy for anxiety what kind would you recommend? That's mostly what dc does, which is talk therapy and coming up with coping mechanisms. Which I guess I need because I do keep hitting the same walls, but talk therapy isn't what I'm looking for.

I just get stuck on all the balls that get dropped or are nearly dropped these days and can't see the ones that keep going anymore. And it just makes me drop more.

Aw, shoot Rae.

Vitamin D supplements have been key for me personally. along with my scripts.

DD11 is trying EMDR along with talk therapy. The therapist is having her picture her day and as they find triggers, figuring out ways to minimize them so she can start to tune them out. Like mean boy is constantly singing which drives her batty, so now she pictures squeezing him into a tiny person between two fingers as she walks past him in the hallway so all she can hear is meep, meep, meep. Not a great explanation I'm sure.

I've been learning how to drop the balls that don't matter or have the least potential for backlash both at work and home. I just couldn't continue to juggle the number and speed I had been. This means asking my kids to pitch in as they are capable or getting them to narrow down activities - the number of things kids can do these days prob isn't healthy for families. Leaning on DH. Hiring housecleaner. Using my raise to pay more for pre-made meals instead of being a packrat and putting most of it in savings.

Carving time for myself - going out with friends, reading when I can, and just plain being lazy. Following several NCAA women's teams this season and texting a bit with Theo about them was so much fun. As I finish a friend date, I try to schedule another one with someone in the next two weeks. That has gotten me past letting months fly by without really going out.

At work it means working on the big rocks. What's going to make my company money? I try to start each day asking that about my crazy to do list. Someone wants some small tweak to internal report - yeah, do it yourself, find an actuarial student, etc. I'm beginning to ignore about 1/3 of my internal daily email requests. Something like 10% circle back and ask a second time, the rest seem to vanish into would have been nice to have but not needed enough for the requested to ask again. 

Delegate, delegate, delegate work. 

Watching some fb reels about mental load really helped give me perspective.

DD11's psychiatrist explained that for emotions to stop rattling around in the back, less developed part of our brain, they have to come out thru talking/sharing or journaling. This forces them to pass through the frontal lobe where logic can be applied to sort thru them. Also applies to negative self talk and worry. That really makes sense to me so have been trying to apply it myself and keep reminding both girls.

This is a good reminder for me, that I apparently need to be reminded of a lot. It's my freaking business. I choose what I want to do, and for who. I know I'm spinning a lot of wheels on a client who I don't particularly like working with - and I'm not a great fit for. I probably need to remind them of that.

I don't have anyone to delegate work to yet, but I did talk to someone today who might want to work for and with me. Which is so weird! But that's the kind of stuff I need to focus on.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I do the 5. 4, 3, 2,1 approach for immediate anxiety.

5 things you can see, 4 you can hear, 3 touch, 2 smell, 1 taste.

Repeat till the immediate attack is slowing down.

That gives me time to ask myself questions.

Is my response appropriate to the situation?


What is the absolute worst case scenario here? How likely is it?

What is the realistic outcome?

What can I control in this situation?

Then do that.

[azucena]

Apr 6, 2024 8:43:26 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I do the 5. 4, 3, 2,1 approach for immediate anxiety.

5 things you can see, 4 you can hear, 3 touch, 2 smell, 1 taste.

Repeat till the immediate attack is slowing down.

That gives me time to ask myself questions.

Is my response appropriate to the situation?


What is the absolute worst case scenario here? How likely is it?

What is the realistic outcome?

What can I control in this situation?

Then do that.

These are the things we use with dd11 except worst case scenario bc hers are bad and she's not mature enough to put good prob on it yet.

[azucena]

She also likes the ABC game. Pick a topic like food and go thru ABC by yourself or every other person. A for apple. B banana.

Getting to just even pick the topic can be a good reset bc she likes to go far out like math terms, names in the Bible, mythology, etc.

[raeoflyte]

Apr 7, 2024 21:41:26 GMT -5 azucena said:

She also likes the ABC game. Pick a topic like food and go thru ABC by yourself or every other person. A for apple. B banana.

Getting to just even pick the topic can be a good reset bc she likes to go far out like math terms, names in the Bible, mythology, etc.

That's one of our favorite car games.

[Pink Cashmere]

One night last week, I had monkey brain when I should’ve been sleeping. So I got the idea to start thinking of all the female names I could think of that started with a certain letter. If I knew someone who had an unusual name that started with that letter, that counted too. I was trying to distract myself from going over the issues I was thinking about.

It didn’t work out too well, because my monkey brain took that as a challenge, and I ended up going through almost all of the letters of the alphabet, debated doing the same thing with names for males, and kept revisiting certain letters because I remembered a name that I forgot about on a certain letter, and then I felt like I needed to count on my fingers how many names I came up with for each letter, to compare how many names I came up with for other letters, and on and on and on. 

It is safe to say that while it did distract me from the stuff that had been tumbling around in my mind, it absolutely did not quiet my monkey brain. It just gave the monkey something else to focus on, and keep me awake. Sighhhh

I do not recommend.

[azucena]

Just remembered that all 3 of us girls also use the calm app. I think annual subscription is $80. Dd11 sometimes does the same sleep story for days in a row. I do the breathing and work moments. Not sure how dd15 has been using it lately. Lots of sleep sounds on it and soothing music. The trial gives a good limited overview.

Pink - I can see how you went in circles. Kinda think the anxiety part of ABC game works better with two people. You might try to breathing I mentioned above.

[raeoflyte]

I made it outside today to walk the dogs with dc. Also told dc that I'm struggling with anxiety more than I ever remember struggling in the past just to reinforce the idea that it's OK to talk about.

Going to work on getting outside for exercise/fresh air/vitamin d every day and not just in passing.

At work I'm still in fire mode but I have a lot of thoughts going that I think could be good. Acknowledging that this requires a new level of executive function when I was already dropping balls in that area personally to bring some issues into light and look at them from more of a work mind set - knowing this is a problem, how can we tackle it, vs. Wow you must completely suck as a human being if this is a problem.

Trying to remember to focus on what makes me the most money. I'm stressing over people who bring in the least amount of business for me and cost me the most amount of my time and money. So do I care if they're happy with my services? I don't need to be everything to everyone.

[azucena]

Rae - fwiw, sounds like you're on the right track.

[raeoflyte]

We spent pretty much all of our couples session talking about my anxiety today. I feel bad about that but I brought up that we react differently. That when dh's anxiety is high and he wants to connect and I'm the exact opposite. I just want to withdraw in to myself so the timing is bad, but nothing I can do about that.


Therapist suggested meditation with tapping and deep breathing. More focused on processing the source of anxiety than trying for an empty mind so I think I can actually try that.

Plus brown noise, no scrolling or shows before bed, cutting back on caffeine, and journaling, but checking in on anxiety and processing. I don't have to keep a perfect journal, so an imperfect journal doesn't create anxiety for me. I only keep it when I want to/find it helpful but I get what she was saying that some of the trackers can create stress.

[finnime]

That sounds like a good session, raeoflyte. I'm glad you got some helpful recommendations. 

[finnime]

The sun's angle is still that of spring, oblique. I kind of dread where it's headed, to be straight overhead in June. That's when my SAD grows and leaves me weirdly restless and crazy. It is better for me living in the northeast than it was in the mid-Atlantic. Summer there always did a job on me.

[raeoflyte]

I've been exhausted this weekend. I think it's from feeling like I'm on high alert for so long. I napped yesterday and could have today, but at least had the energy for basic weekly tasks/housework so did that instead.

I realized some things about work that hopefully will help.

[anciana]

Apr 14, 2024 21:27:24 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

I've been exhausted this weekend. I think it's from feeling like I'm on high alert for so long. I napped yesterday and could have today, but at least had the energy for basic weekly tasks/housework so did that instead.

I realized some things about work that hopefully will help.

Sorry to hear you couldn’t enjoy your weekend but I sympathize with feeling exhausted when trying to relax after finally getting over from more intense and stressful days. Sometimes all we can do is hang in there and that’s enough 🤗
Hope work gets better and that what you figured out truly helps.

[azucena]

It occurred to me this week that I'm laughing way more than I have in several months. I'm also watching way, way less tv as I'm just too busy with 3 kids. Something for me to keep in mind as not laughing and too much tv are likely some of my early depression warning signs. Will try to keep up the better side of these habits.

Some of it is purely bantering with bonus teen. Some of it is me trying to consciously model self care and depression coping/battle skills for her and DD11. I had DD11 go with me to pick up bonus from school one day this week and drove past our house right to my fav garden nursery. They both eye rolled but neither truly whined bc they didn't want to be embarrassed in front of the other. While I dawdled looking at every row, they promptly wandered off and DD taught bonus her mthd of picking plants - find the weirdest ones possible. She came home with some kind of cat tail. Bonus found lamb's ear. I promptly let $70 worth of plants sit alongside the garage and they've been teasing me about letting them wither. Bonus rescued hers and is trying to keep it alive in the basement.

How's everyone else doing?

[TheOtherMe]

Mine just went through the roof last night.  Pun not intended.

Roof is leaking.  Probably needs new roof.  Then I will deal with inside damage.  

Niece's husband knows nothing or no one.  I have never liked him and have thought he didn't like me.  He just confirmed it.  He is absolutely not good enough for her.  

BIL listened to me and gave advice.  Got advice in FB group.

One of the many recommendations was Amish.  I've called 4 places this morning.  Amish is coming to estimate next week.  No one else has returned my call.  At this point, I don't care if anyone else returns my call.  Reading reviews, the Amish will do it and clean up in one day.  Just do it.

[finnime]

Doing okay all considered. I'm beginning to hit a wall when I've got things pending that need to be done. Early signs, I think. I'm hoping I'll stay ahead of it.

Hope you all are well.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I was pretty bad last weekend after I got another "you're destroying the lab" lecture.

I'm more pissed off now about it after I found out how they are treating Mr 20 active corrective action items.

You can cut the resentment with a knife. I'm not the only one pissed. Management is clueless.

I joked with a couple coworkers it was divine intervention I lost my voice because if my manager had heard my language I'd be fired.

I'm going to channel it into looking for another position.

I'm also going to go for the associate chemist position opening up. Poke the bear and make all of them say to my face I suck if I'm really as bad as she claims.

Or if I don't and they overrule her and promote me I can bask in my own smug.

In the meantime I'll be an obedient minion until she changes the rules AGAIN.

Then I am struggling with my dad and L making the decision to live together.

I had a temper tantrum yesterday because I noticed the kitchen has changeð and I didn't like it because it's not "my" kitchen.

Incredibly immature of me and fortunately dad wasn't home to see it. I know he's adjusting too and doesn't need my bullshit.

I know it's not my house but I'm so used to it being a certain way. The change not only triggers my struggle with change in routine but it's a very visual reminder my mom is gone. She's gone and another person will live there soon.

But I'm doing better than I could be. I credit that to Prestiq it really does help me to pull myself up and out of an episode. I can keep level enough to use coping skills and find a way through.

[azucena]

Your feelings about your dad and L aren't bullshit. They are valid and you seem to be communicating them maturity except maybe the tantrum but anyone should know that your moms kitchen would be a huge trigger.

I dreaded the day my dad would have found someone. My mom and I were independently sure he would immediately find someone else to take care of him post divorce. Somehow he didn't. I also would have been livid to watch him treat new gal with kindness or heck even talk to her since he was such a shitbag to my mom.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

When mom first died dad and I were at an impasse. I had a meltdown because he was cleaning and things weren't the same.

He pointed out rightly he lives in the house and was slowly going insane with the constant reminders my mom was gone.

Cleaning and rearranging was a change in routine to help break up the grief and start moving forward.

Which I can understand. I'll probably have this exact conversation someday with the girls.

This is the big step coming the "final" cleaning out such as it is. Even seeing small signs of it is overwhelming for me.

I know we're not erasing my mom from existence it's just..final.

If that makes sense.

That's probably a bigger source of my mental state than work though work sure as hell doesn't help.

[TheOtherMe]

  Drama.

I can't tell you anything from experience as my dad was too old and in too much denial that mom was gone to have considered a new partner in his life.


I do understand the cleaning out the house.  I "lost" my family home when my parents moved from Des Moines.  No place else they lived was a place where I lived.  I did not have that kind of attachment to any of those places.

Dad kept telling me that my sister and I needed to start getting rid of your mother's things.  We thought he meant her clothes.  We found out he meant the kitchen.  He lost it as we cleaned out the clothes.

[busymom]

We cannot tell anyone how to grieve.  In spite of the hours of work that it took, cleaning out my parent's house was actually therapeutic.  By the time it was ready to sell, I was ready to let it go, as without their things it no longer felt much like home to me.  Oh yes, there were traces, but it really wasn't the same.  So sorry about everything you are dealing with, NomoreDramaQ1015.  

[azucena]

Putting the pieces together in hindsight, bonus teen may have saved me from oncoming depression train. I thought I was doing decent thru my Jan/Feb trouble SAD spots but really I was withdrawing, watching too much tv, letting too much slide at work, and most of all not laughing. I was clearly on a slow doom slide. I shudder to look back at what might have been had God not put her in my path. And I've told DH, DD15 and a couple good friends that these are the signs to help me look for.

This girl makes me laugh multiple times per day, she brings out my silly side as I can say naughty/witty things back to her and catch her off guard. Plus, I'm so conscious about modeling self care for her and have spent several hours talking through mental health stuff and what works for me and what doesn't. I can't eat like crap and expect her to listen about what to eat, I can't sit and watch too much tv and expect her not to, etc.

And she's affectionate and yesterday made sure that I felt special by asking if I wanted to take her fishing for the first time. I genuinely love her and I can tell she's dancing around the same thought. She leaves for camp in a couple of weeks and I plan to write her a letter to take with her outlining all her best quality and saying the L-word 

[TheOtherMe]

That is so sweet      I know it can't be all wonderful with her, but it sounds like she is doing well in your loving home.

From what you have shared, I don't think she has felt love or stability in her life.  

[azucena]

Nightmares back for her Sunday night and she won't talk about them. Ruined most of her school day Monday but she made it through. We went for slushies after school to turn her mood around enough for geometry tutoring. The tutor has totally caught on to teen's humor and how bright she is.


If anyone here happens to notice me slipping via my posts in the future, please send me a kind IM. Really worries me that I didn't notice.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

I think you all know I read this thread but don't contribute. Until November, and then diagnosed in March, I'd never actually had MDD. 
Most of my struggle comes from generalized anxiety disorder. It also turns out, in working with a new mental health practitioner, that I have ADHD. 
For reference, the depression symptoms started in late October/early November. I gave six month notice at my job on January 1. However by the first week of March I was having suicidal thoughts. I have not been back to work since March 5. It took all of March and April for me to work through the depression symptoms. In that regard, I've been significantly better for all of May. However, the anxiety is not stabilized yet. 
I'm not good at talking about these things, which is something the MH provider and I are working on. 
However, I just need a sounding board today, so I've come here. 
I took FMLA sick leave on March 5. I had enough sick leave hours to be able to take the remainder of my contract (June 30) off. 
What I didn't process well--because my executive functioning was almost non-existent-- was that FMLA is 12 weeks. This is week 12, so my employer's HR person called yesterday. Technically, according to her, I'm supposed to go back to work on June 4.  I was not prepared for such a situation.  I have been doing so well--I don't think I've cried in over two weeks. The influx of anxiety over this wretched. I'm sitting on my outdoor couch crying uncontrollably. So, one of the coping mechanisms is to think about what the actual worst case scenario is right. 

My anxiety tells me that they're going to come to my house and make be go back to work. They're going to yell at me. They're going to tell me I'm a shitty person. 
None of that is actually going to happen though--right?
Okay. I can't type more right now. 
I promise I'm safe, and I'll be back later. 

[finnime]

Knee Deep in Water Chloe, no, none of that will happen.

Your anxiety and depression are driving the bus while you are in a heap on the back seat. Please accept: you will be okay. You have done the right thing by taking FMLA. You might be on unpaid leave for a few weeks, but that is the absolure worst thing that could be, and it's not bad. You are not bad. Your situation was very bad for you.

You deserve much better. You deserve happiness and satisfaction. You do not deserve misery. You are a good person who gives much to the world.

[TheOtherMe]

I don't know the ins and outs of FMLA and the length of time that it lasts.

Can you take the rest of the contract period off without pay?  

From what you share, it doesn't sound like you are ready to return to that toxic job?  

You do not want to return to that workplace.  From everything you have shared about it, it would not be good for you.