Battling Depression

[azucena]

My anxiety is being a real bitch coming back out of this cold. Even back to having a panic attack in the shower Sun morning and dry heaving most mornings this week. Mid-Dec winter colds have been a depression trigger for me. I keep telling myself that I'm doing all the right things - taking my meds + vitamins, getting enough sleep, taking off work, letting home things slide, eating halfway decent, drinking lots of fluids, etc. Helps a bit that it's 50 and sunny here this week.

Procrastinated on some yucky work items and now it's all hitting at once along with my mood. Just to take it one step at a time.

Attempting to focus on the good things:
- for once, I'm well ahead of Christmas with everything bought and 90% wrapped.
- Saw my disabled niece play in a special olympics bball game on Sun. She makes me so proud.
- DD15s 3 performances this month all went really well. She's thriving in theater.
- On Thurs, I'll be a godparent at DD11s Vietnamese friend's baptism. We have enjoyed getting to know this family so much.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Dec 19, 2023 11:22:26 GMT -5 azucena said:

My anxiety is being a real bitch coming back out of this cold. Even back to having a panic attack in the shower Sun morning and dry heaving most mornings this week. Mid-Dec winter colds have been a depression trigger for me. I keep telling myself that I'm doing all the right things - taking my meds + vitamins, getting enough sleep, taking off work, letting home things slide, eating halfway decent, drinking lots of fluids, etc. Helps a bit that it's 50 and sunny here this week.

Procrastinated on some yucky work items and now it's all hitting at once along with my mood. Just to take it one step at a time.

Attempting to focus on the good things:
- for once, I'm well ahead of Christmas with everything bought and 90% wrapped.
- Saw my disabled niece play in a special olympics bball game on Sun. She makes me so proud.
- DD15s 3 performances this month all went really well. She's thriving in theater.
- On Thurs, I'll be a godparent at DD11s Vietnamese friend's baptism. We have enjoyed getting to know this family so much.

Mine does too.  I think it is because I am so run down with my body trying to fight off whatever it is that is trying to kill me that there is no brain energy left to shut out all the negativity and anxiety.

I've told DH before that he has no idea how exhausting it is to be me day to day.  I spend A LOT of time compartmentalizing and pretending I am normal.

[azucena]

Sorry that you're going thru it too, Drama. Make sure you're taking vitamins as I know they are huge for me when sickness depletes my little reserves.

I too wish DH could spend 24 hours in my shoes. Would be eye opening. He's been better about keeping up with kids' stuff. The problem is he's usually a week behind on emails about dress down days, class parties, etc. Then, he wants to chat about them, but in my mind they are already covered bc I've put them in our family calendar. Once I've scheduled them, I have no brain space left to talk about them and have already moved on to today's emails and to do lists.

[TheOtherMe]

Dec 19, 2023 11:13:51 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Dec 19, 2023 11:04:16 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

I have never used Microsoft Teams so I did a test run last night.  

It's one of the few Microsoft softwares I actually like. I prefer it to Zoom.

DN1 said he prefers Zoom.  To each their own

[azucena]

Need to stop reading political stuff here and all news sites. It's just so much chaos, hate, and ignorance. Likely weighing on my mental health more than I realize. I want to be part of the fight against evil in the world but just can't during these winter months.

[wvugurl26]

It's okay to protect yourself. The politics and stuff is concerning but there's only so much one person can do. I had to learn during 2020 to avoid some stuff in the news and especially the comments on the local community Facebook page. I knew it was a red county but I didn't know it was populated by so many hateful people with zero compassion or consideration for others.

I've tried to really focus on reading and following positive stuff. It did make me happier. I don't want to be ignorant to the happenings in the world but I can only do so many things myself.

[finnime]

Happy solstice everyone!

[Opti]

Dec 20, 2023 7:59:51 GMT -5 azucena said:

Need to stop reading political stuff here and all news sites. It's just so much chaos, hate, and ignorance. Likely weighing on my mental health more than I realize. I want to be part of the fight against evil in the world but just can't during these winter months.

For me I am working on believing and saying good will prevail. I do think politics is stressing out this busy time plus Covid, flu, etc.
Spring will come. 

[busymom]

So happy we've made it to the shortest day of the year.  Now, every day gets a little bit better.  

[TheOtherMe]

Nice talking to people last night.  Thanks azucena for arranging it.

[finnime]

Yes, it was, thank you, azucena.

[finnime]

I hope you each and all have a satifsying and peaceful night and day tomorrow.

[finnime]

Wishing you all a happy New Year, with effective light therapy and interpsersonal and medication therapy as indicated, hope and courage to start 2024. 

[azucena]

Same to you, Finn.

We have had the mildest Dec I can remember and records may likely show ever or at least top 5. It's done wonders for my mood. This leads me to think that I should schedule long weekends and/or remote work in Jan in gulf shores in future years.

Also thinking we should be Jan snowbirds there in our retirement years.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Being sick has my ability to regulate my emotions at an all time low.

Had a massive crying jag on Friday.

I'm tired of being a good girl. All it does is get me more work and continously ran over.

And for what? To be called snippy and be put down at work and told I haven't paid my dues.

I get stuck as my grandma's poa and I'm legit concerned I could be in my 60s by the time it's over.

I'm so sick of doing the right thing and that is supposedly it's own reward.

It's not. I'm so burnt out and angry. I'm doing all right using coping mechanisms from therapy but the toxicity at work is eating at me and being sick uses up all my spoons.

I'm dreading Tuesday. I don't want to work anymore. I blew my 20s being responsible and single minded on my goals and for what?

DH thinks it's a midlife crisis. I told him.no I've felt this way at least once a year since I had Gwen. It is just getting more intense the older I get because I'm tired of holding my head up.

[Pink Cashmere]

Dec 31, 2023 18:17:05 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Being sick has my ability to regulate my emotions at an all time low.

Had a massive crying jag on Friday.

I'm tired of being a good girl. All it does is get me more work and continously ran over.

And for what? To be called snippy and be put down at work and told I haven't paid my dues.

I get stuck as my grandma's poa and I'm legit concerned I could be in my 60s by the time it's over.

I'm so sick of doing the right thing and that is supposedly it's own reward.

It's not. I'm so burnt out and angry. I'm doing all right using coping mechanisms from therapy but the toxicity at work is eating at me and being sick uses up all my spoons.

I'm dreading Tuesday. I don't want to work anymore. I blew my 20s being responsible and single minded on my goals and for what?

DH thinks it's a midlife crisis. I told him.no I've felt this way at least once a year since I had Gwen. It is just getting more intense the older I get because I'm tired of holding my head up.

I feel you on all of this, except maybe the job part. Nothing wrong with how you feel about your job, I just feel differently because I’ve only ever had a job, and not a career like you do. And because it’s just a job for me, I learned years ago to just do *my* job…. a day of work, for a day of pay, and leave the rest alone since so much about my workplace is stupid, illogical, and toxic if I allow the dumb shit to affect me. I’ve played along all these years, because of the pay and benefits. It does help also, that if I need them, I do have a union to fight for me and try to protect me. 

But the rest of it, I feel you on the feelings, even though our lives are different. I started thinking I was maybe having a midlife crisis or something in my 30’s. Whether that was true or not, today, I still or once again feel the same way. Between then and now, I did find things that allowed me to have what I call a “zen” state of mind, but I won’t pretend that I don’t often lose that state of mind. Life feels much better when I can find it and stay there though.

Being a “good girl” is overrated. Fuck that. I mean that with all sincerity, based on what I’ve learned about life and shit. Because, I have learned to reject many of the ideas regarding what we are supposed to be and how we are supposed to act, just because we are females. So really, fuck all of that. Being a good person period, is good and has value, but you also NEED to be good to YOU. I understand that that is complicated by the facts that you have a spouse and you are still raising children. But you still need to take care of you. 

One of the things that I would tell my younger self if I could, would be “even though you are in the trenches, working and providing for your children and taking care of your responsibilities, YOU still matter also. Tend to you. You are a good person, and responsible, so don’t lose YOU, stuffing your real needs trying to be what other people need, want, or expect you to be. You can be a good, responsible person, and a good Mother, STILL say no to what doesn’t serve you well and yes to what you really need, for yourself”.

I can’t go back and tell my younger self any of that, so imma just tell you instead. And just like anything else, if what I say doesn’t apply, let it fly. Either way, I feel you and I am rooting for you.

[Opti]

Dec 31, 2023 18:17:05 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Being sick has my ability to regulate my emotions at an all time low.

Had a massive crying jag on Friday.

I'm tired of being a good girl. All it does is get me more work and continously ran over.

And for what? To be called snippy and be put down at work and told I haven't paid my dues.

I get stuck as my grandma's poa and I'm legit concerned I could be in my 60s by the time it's over.

I'm so sick of doing the right thing and that is supposedly it's own reward.

It's not. I'm so burnt out and angry. I'm doing all right using coping mechanisms from therapy but the toxicity at work is eating at me and being sick uses up all my spoons.

I'm dreading Tuesday. I don't want to work anymore. I blew my 20s being responsible and single minded on my goals and for what?

DH thinks it's a midlife crisis. I told him.no I've felt this way at least once a year since I had Gwen. It is just getting more intense the older I get because I'm tired of holding my head up.

Its OK and I think this happens to more of us than you know. That's why I stayed out of work when I wasn't sleeping. I wasn't in a protected back office spot and my ability to control my emotions basically did not exist. Of course outsiders will think differently because they have a vested interest in you being wrong, i.e. they have a warm body there to do the work. Be kind to yourself. I know I don't cry or grieve enough and it isn't good to hold it in.

DQ It might be hard to remember when you are so exhausted and sad, but people who put you down etc. are doing it for their own petty reasons. Not because you are wrong, but most likely they are threatened by you. They want to push a narrative that makes them look good and demoralizes you. I am getting the same crap at work. And they don't get how fundamentally the world has shifted. Privately held with pension to public company issuing stock changes things and not necessarily for the better unless you are on the board when this all comes to pass. The business has changed and old positions they did on their way to where they are now no longer exist. Probably will never ever exist in this company again. 

I'm not looking forward to Tuesday either. You are a great story teller. Create some stories that tell how you come out on top and they do not. Sure it might not happen, but I know you don't want to make their marketing lies to you come true. Think of them like Trump lite. They are trying to sell you a version of RL they know is not true. 

[finnime]

Let it all out, NomoreDramaQ1015. We are here, listening. You are a good, able, smart person who gives and gives. Don't look for approbation in others especially at work. They want to keep you in one place. You have other places to go; you have worked hard and earned a happy future. Let the naysayers walk into walls. Rest when you can and hold your head up. I hope you feel much better soon. And I hope 2024 is a banner year for you.

[TheOtherMe]

I got really down last night thinking about all of the viruses that will be at full strength in at least January.  

It's getting to where I panic about even being in a room with other people because I know it's not safe.  

[finnime]

[busymom]

Jan 1, 2024 12:15:14 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

I got really down last night thinking about all of the viruses that will be at full strength in at least January.  

It's getting to where I panic about even being in a room with other people because I know it's not safe.  

   Especially when I hear someone coughing hard.     You just want to say to them, "for the love of God, STAY HOME until you feel better!"  

[busymom]

Darn it!  Now I want a taco...  

[TheOtherMe]

When I got my  chai this morning, the owner said he had to send one person home because she showed up sick/  He said he can't have sick 'people serving food.

[azucena]

DD11 stayed home from school today. Yesterday was hard bc it was the first day back and we both verbalized that her anxiety was very low over xmas break meaning school causes a lot of stress for her.

She says she has a sore throat but that often clears up when she's up and moving. She had a large adjustment to her braces yesterday so I know her mouth is very sore. I made a special stop for smoothies and soup on the way home from school yesterday.

It's so hard to know when it's right to let her stay home, but I'm trusting my gut. She's still sleeping. Will ask her to journal when she gets up because that seems to be helping her process her feelings.

[wvugurl26]

The being pitch black by 5:45 is not helping at all. I did pretty well with the loss of my grandma in 2023 until the holiday season rolled around. I'm still trying to finish up her estate and it's one last hurdle after another. The fact that one company dragged their feet and took 3 full months to transfer stock ownership, likely means I have to pay for a second year of the probate bond and its not cheap. I need this to be done with so I can fully move on.

Who knew that even death was expensive?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Jan 4, 2024 12:32:50 GMT -5 wvugurl26 said:

The being pitch black by 5:45 is not helping at all. I did pretty well with the loss of my grandma in 2023 until the holiday season rolled around. I'm still trying to finish up her estate and it's one last hurdle after another. The fact that one company dragged their feet and took 3 full months to transfer stock ownership, likely means I have to pay for a second year of the probate bond and its not cheap. I need this to be done with so I can fully move on.

Who knew that even death was expensive?

Expensive and ridiculously complicated.  There shouldn't have to be this freaking many people involved in the death of a man who had no wife or kids and only a senile sister as his last remaining direct relative. 

[wvugurl26]

Grandma outlived grandpa. He died without a will and with a crap ton of stuff in his name only and stuff we didn't even know about. I swear it was not half this complicated or expensive. Grandma tried to do right by us and had a will and her sons were on the house deed. That was redeeded with no issue. I found the receipt in her stuff, she paid a $100 bond to the county clerk since my grandpa had no will. Meanwhile I've had to deal with insurance companies and its $920/year.

[busymom]

Jan 4, 2024 12:32:50 GMT -5 wvugurl26 said:

The being pitch black by 5:45 is not helping at all. I did pretty well with the loss of my grandma in 2023 until the holiday season rolled around. I'm still trying to finish up her estate and it's one last hurdle after another. The fact that one company dragged their feet and took 3 full months to transfer stock ownership, likely means I have to pay for a second year of the probate bond and its not cheap. I need this to be done with so I can fully move on.

Who knew that even death was expensive?

     I feel your pain.  When my Dad died I tried to help my Mom with the estate.  Stupid life insurance company took between 6 months and a year to pay off his policy.  I won't tell you the name of the company, but it's named after one of the 50 states.      I personally will NEVER do business with them, the way they dragged their feet.  

[azucena]

I'm going to need lots of prayers to get thru these next few years with dd11. I love her but man can she be tough to deal with.

She just came at me with everything wrong in her life. I let her go for 30 mins and then said ok, now we need to turn off that voice and notice all of the positives. That's just not the way her brain is currently wired. Instead she goes straight for I never have a perfect day. Well, no one really does bc perfect just isn't real.

Then she switched into her latest rant about hating her room, her bed, her clothes. How she never gets anything new, only hand me downs. This is when I have to pause and not answer logically or factually bc those don't really matter in those moments.

Her best friend next door is getting a full room makeover. She has a lovely $500 trundle bed. Two months ago after months of begging, I got dd11 a loft bed off fb mktplace. She loved it up until remodel started next door. Now it's the wrong color and on and on and on. The whacky paint she choose two yrs ago is no longer what she wants. Ok, we can paint this summer. I agreed she needs new bedding but she's so sensitive to textures that I need to take her in person. Well that doesn't cut it either.

And of course DH isn't here bc he's off playing bloody board games. I called him and he's not answering.

She's literally going to throw up one of these times which is heartbreaking but I also can't just keep being her punching bag.

[TheOtherMe]