Battling Depression

[finnime]

I'm sorry you're on a rocky road now, azucena. 

I was on propranolol for quite a while chiefly to address headaches but it did also even my keel.

Your dds are lucky to have you as their mom, helping them over some of the hurdles of adolescence and anxiety.

It's a shame about your workplace, slow on the uptake manager and general lack of follow through. And it's too bad, too, about your DH and you co-existing, although sometimes when all other systems are go-go-go it's nice to not have to put energy into one of them. Maybe you don't feel that way, though.

Tomorrow is my and DH's 18th anniversary. We're going to a very nice restaurant since the fair we've got a booth at is postponed to Sunday due to rain.

[finnime]

Hope everyone who struggles with more typical SAD has got their defenses in place and in use: the lights and schedules for activity. The days are getting decidedly shorter.

For me, I feel better as the nights get longer. What affects me is the coming of summer. Then I start to feel out of control and dizzy with useless energy and inability to focus. Fall and winter are calming and cozy, for me.

[azucena]

Thx Finn. Stupid cat chewed thru my SAD light cord, so you've prompted me to order a new one.

Heard a local college took a mental health day with no classes bc students are overwhelmed and counseling visits were at all time high. Israeli conflict is a tipping point.

DD15 confided that a friend admitted self harm. I coached her to tell friend that she must tell a trusted adult. Sounds like she's had mental health struggles before and may have been hospitalized so she's afraid her parents are going to 'overreact'. Suggested aunt, teacher, counselor, etc. I just don't trust that she will follow through. Friend is from summer theater so I'm not sure of last night or even which of the other 3 high schools. Sent an email to our theater teacher bc she will know. Torn on if that was the right thing to do, but I'd want someone to tell me about my kid. I'm hoping to remain anonymous but it's highly likely that the teens will trace it back to me anyway. I need DD to keep telling me this stuff.

Should I have done anything different? 

She's in a bad place this week. I knew she wasn't doing enough homework but when I'd ask she said she was on top of it. Yeah, several long term things are due this week and 3 big tests - Geom, Bio, Hist. Along with choir concert tonight and rehearsals for 4 hours after school. Just gotta get her to Thurs and then they are off early, closed Fri/Mon.

Need to start off next week with 2 hours of homework every night to spread things out. That will be a huge battle but I gotta try. Show weekend is 10/27.

[daisylu]

Oct 10, 2023 8:06:37 GMT -5 azucena said:

Thx Finn. Stupid cat chewed thru my SAD light cord, so you've prompted me to order a new one.

Heard a local college took a mental health day with no classes bc students are overwhelmed and counseling visits were at all time high. Israeli conflict is a tipping point.

DD15 confided that a friend admitted self harm. I coached her to tell friend that she must tell a trusted adult. Sounds like she's had mental health struggles before and may have been hospitalized so she's afraid her parents are going to 'overreact'. Suggested aunt, teacher, counselor, etc. I just don't trust that she will follow through. Friend is from summer theater so I'm not sure of last night or even which of the other 3 high schools. Sent an email to our theater teacher bc she will know. Torn on if that was the right thing to do, but I'd want someone to tell me about my kid. I'm hoping to remain anonymous but it's highly likely that the teens will trace it back to me anyway. I need DD to keep telling me this stuff.

Should I have done anything different? 

She's in a bad place this week. I knew she wasn't doing enough homework but when I'd ask she said she was on top of it. Yeah, several long term things are due this week and 3 big tests - Geom, Bio, Hist. Along with choir concert tonight and rehearsals for 4 hours after school. Just gotta get her to Thurs and then they are off early, closed Fri/Mon.

Need to start off next week with 2 hours of homework every night to spread things out. That will be a huge battle but I gotta try. Show weekend is 10/27.

FWIW, I do not think you could have anything different. You reported it and are trying to keep your name out of it. I would definitely want to know if it was my kid. Friend certainly needs some sort of intervention, and her sharing with your DD shows that she knows that or else she would have just kept on in private. 

[daisylu]

I got my SAD light out Monday, and started running an essential oil diffuser in the home office.

[azucena]

Theater teacher already responded, knows the teens history, and will alert her teacher who will then tell her parents. Crying with relief.

Now, I think I need to be straightforward and tell DD15 that I told and help is in progress. And stress that she needs to keep speaking up because in situations like this her friends need more help that she can provide.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Oct 10, 2023 9:13:02 GMT -5 azucena said:

Theater teacher already responded, knows the teens history, and will alert her teacher who will then tell her parents. Crying with relief.

Now, I think I need to be straightforward and tell DD15 that I told and help is in progress. And stress that she needs to keep speaking up because in situations like this her friends need more help that she can provide.

I know it's hard for tweens/teens and goodness knows I didn't listen either but also stress this is not her burden to take on and it is okay/healthy to draw boundaries.   She sounds like she is treading into being their emotional dumping ground and that's not good for her.  It is okay to tell your friends that you support them but you can't be their therapist they need to talk to an adult.

And use her as an example.  She talks to you and you handle it.  You have the life experience to know who to give that information to.  Kids don't.  It's not her job to fix her friends.

It took me a LONG time to accept that and I got into some deep freaking adult shit not listening to my parents.  It wasn't until I was a parent and I ran into my friend again only to have his sister show up on my doorstep saying his ex figured out where he was staying that I went "OOOOOOOH now I get what my parents were telling me!"   

In HS my instinct would have been to help.  Looking at my girls I couldn't get him out of my house fast enough.  Nope you aren't bringing that shit around my girls.  Shouldn't have been around me either but it took me longer to realize that.  I am a fixer by nature.

Having BTDT that I am tough on drawing boundaries for the girls.  As I explained to Abby you don't have the life experience to know when enough is enough.  I do so as your parent *I* will be drawing the boundaries.  You may be pissed at me now but you'll understand later.

[azucena]

Drama - great points, thanks for your insights. DD15 is sooo good to her friends. She's loyal, kind, caring, good listener, etc, etc. I'll talk with her about what you've said.

DH and I have been talking to her about when to speak up and what things adults must hear about. Then it's on us to use our wisdom, experience, and resources to handle.

She recently did realize that one long time friend who goes to another school only popped up when she needed something. DD realized it wasn't a two way street and has set some boundaries.

She's also ghosting one of her main friends from last year who is now a college freshman who's texts mostly consist of who she's hooked up with and how much pot she's smoking. DD realized that nothing healthy was coming from those texts. We talked about how their phase of life has changed so maybe the friendship has run its course. Ghosting felt really mean to her but makes the most sense rather than continue to engage.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I think it's hard because all tweens/teens are emotional vampires to an extent.  They are developing really big adult emotions they don't know how to handle or express yet.  It is hard to realize you've crossed over a line.

This is where good old Degrassi or after school specials or the "very special episodes" of sitcoms came in handy.   

Or Mr. Rogers.  The world lost something that we'll never get back when he passed. 

[TheOtherMe]

I learned a lot from the Degrassi episodes and I don't have kids.  I learned what I should have been doing in high school, although I'm not sure the resources were available at that time.

They weren't in my high school.

[finnime]

I agree, you did what you should have done re your DD's friend, azucena. I do not think you should have done anything differently. Teens have such a hard time with the overwhelming feelings, high pressure and little control over their lives. 

[Works4me]

I am at a very difficult stage of my life and it sucks. Everything I need to do and am finally doing is hard. Nothing and I mean nothing is easy. I am alone way too much of the time and the isolation is awful for me.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Oct 13, 2023 0:54:05 GMT -5 Works4me said:

I am at a very difficult stage of my life and it sucks. Everything I need to do and am finally doing is hard. Nothing and I mean nothing is easy. I am alone way too much of the time and the isolation is awful for me.

[finnime]

I understand, Works4me. The swamplands of life are so painful and seem impossible to get through.

Are you getting enough sleep, exercise and good food? Sometimes the basics are out of balance and throw you.

What are you living for? To what purpose? Would counseling be helpful, do you think?

For me, I only got through really bad patches with psychiatric help.

Thinking of you and wishing you well today and tomorrow.

[Tennesseer]

Interesting article.

The hidden kernel of truth in Bad Bunny’s SNL ‘Protective Moms’ skit
A single line, played for laughs, sums up a dispiriting reality.

An old adage came to mind as I watched the Puerto Rican music superstar Bad Bunny on the most recent episode of “Saturday Night Live”: Behind every laugh there is a kernel of truth.

And one sketch in particular struck a chord, as a pair of Latino characters bristled at the suggestion that a family member was seeking help for his depression. A single line, played for laughs, summed up a dispiriting reality about Latino culture’s attitude toward mental health.

n the sketch, “The Last of Us”-star Pedro Pascal reprises his role as Ms. Flores from “Protective Mom,” a skit from an earlier episode that he hosted. This week’s sequel introduces Bad Bunny as Ms. Flores’ sister, Kia, and follows the original’s structure: When Luis (played by Marcello Hernandez) brings his white girlfriend, Casey (played by Chloe Troast), home to his Latino family, his mother and aunt surreptitiously disapprove of the relationship, throwing Spanglish shade at her even as they reassure her that she’s not the topic of conversation. (“Saturday Night Live” is a product of NBCUniversal, the parent company of MSNBC.)

he sketch starts off with a lighthearted, culturally specific bit: Casey offers Ms. Flores a tin of butter cookies as a present. Pascal opens the tin, dumps out the cookies and replaces them with sewing materials — a phenomenon that is instantly recognizable to many Latino households. After the opening bit, the skit veers into its main gag, as the sisters make fun of Casey in Spanish, often ending their remarks with an English phrase that raises Casey’s suspicions. For example, when Casey says she works for her father’s nonprofit, Pascal launches into a tirade in Spanish that ends with “nepo baby,” joking about Casey buying all of her food at Trader Joe’s while Bad Bunny comments on her “flat butt.”

The sequel also brings back another joke from the original, but with a twist. In the earlier sketch, when Luis’ girlfriend lets slip that Luis is taking medication for attention deficit disorder, Pascal retorts: “My son does not have ADD. He just likes to jump.” In this sketch, when Casey mentions Luis’ depression, Pascal responds angrily: “My son does not have depression. He just likes the dark.”

Just as with the cookie tin sewing kit, the joke resonated for many Latinos. While cookie tins might look like one thing on the outside, they can have a hidden secret inside. So it is with many Latino families when it comes to mental health.

Rest of article here: The hidden kernel of truth in Bad Bunny’s SNL ‘Protective Moms’ skit

[finnime]

It's not just Latino culture, Tennesseer, as I know you know. The stigma of a mental health diagnosis is an awful hill to climb when you're not up for climbing any hills at all. Part of the craziness of staggering through the days.

[busymom]

Oct 26, 2023 4:09:11 GMT -5 finnime said:

It's not just Latino culture, Tennesseer , as I know you know. The stigma of a mental health diagnosis is an awful hill to climb when you're not up for climbing any hills at all. Part of the craziness of staggering through the days.

   Agreed.  The standard line here seems to be "get over it".  Some folks never even consider the idea that things like trama or heredity can cause lifelong problems.  My own Dad most likely had mental health issues due to his time serving in WWII (he also had a brother who committed suicide), but he refused to seek help because he was concerned others would think he was "crazy".  It's so sad.  I consider people to be the strongest when they're smart enough to realize they need help and seek help.    

[azucena]

Got out my sad light. Eff'n cat must have jumped on office file cabinet where I'd left it and chewed thru the damn cord.

Rather than go down the rabbit hole of trying to find model and attempt to purchase new cord, can someone just link me to one they love please?

[daisylu]

Nov 2, 2023 9:36:36 GMT -5 azucena said:

Got out my sad light. Eff'n cat must have jumped on office file cabinet where I'd left it and chewed thru the damn cord.

Rather than go down the rabbit hole of trying to find model and attempt to purchase new cord, can someone just link me to one they love please?

I have had this one for over 7 years. I would like a fancier one that has different hues but this one has worked well for me.

[TheOtherMe]

That is the one I used to have until my cats knocked it over one too many times.  

It works well.  

[azucena]

Nov 2, 2023 13:39:04 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

That is the one I used to have until my cats knocked it over one too many times.  

It works well.  

Eff'n cats, amiright?!

At least they probably help with our depression too.

Tell me you bought yourself another one.  Light, not cat!

[TheOtherMe]

No I have not.  These two chase each other so much that I'm afraid to buy stuff they can knock over.

[busymom]

We're heading into my least favorite time of the year.  The time change this weekend, which means sunset will be before 5 pm.  I'm thankful we have holidays like Thanksgiving & Christmas to distract me, but I just hate the darkest months.  

[TheOtherMe]

I don't do well during the winter and I have to constantly remind myself to take my meds.

[busymom]

It helps me personally to do a countdown to the shortest day of the year, December 21st, so after that day I notice the days gradually getting longer.  It's a good thing I like to read, but I often feel like the Winter months are wasted, because I just don't have the energy to attack any big projects.

[finnime]

Lack of energy and lethargy are the biggest daily symptoms for me of depression. They're how I know I need to do something different, chiefly tweak my medications, but I also exercise walking Franklin the Dog daily and try to eat right. When I'm badly into the depths my brain gets sludgy. I find it hard to think and impossible to make decisions, no matter how trivial.

Because I'm weird my weather challenge is not lack of light, but too much sun in the late spring and early summer. I get wired, have awful trouble sleeping and am extremely irritable. So I don dark sunglasses and avoid going outdoors during the day as much as possible. I wonder sometimes if it's due to my Finnish heritage. Going without sun for long periods of the year is something I'm adapted to, I think.

Hope you find the light you need, azucena, and you find one that the cats won't knock over, TheOtherMe.

[wvugurl26]

Winter is hard with all the darkness. I've been thinking a lot lately that the animals who hibernate during this time have the right idea. Telework has helped me a lot. I get to see much more of the sun that is there. In the office I arrive in the dark and leave in the dark and that just is soul destroying to me.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Working again in a lab that has windows helps because I can actually see daylight and my brain recognizes that time is moving.  There is also a wall of windows in the cafeteria so taking lunch down there helps too.


At my old company it really fucked with my head because we had zero windows in our area all I could see out of was the door and that was only if I was changing.  I could go all day without seeing sun if we were busy.

[wvugurl26]

That's definitely part of it on busy days I would only see glimpses of the sun when I left the office suite to use the restroom or if I had a meeting in someone's office that had windows. At home I've got 2 windows behind my desk and the slider door to the deck to my right. It helps a lot.

I would try to make time for walks and moving around but some days are a wall of back to back meetings.

[TheOtherMe]

The tax department in the last tax office where I worked had no windows.  No windows on the way to the bathroom.  Only windows were in the lunch room.  

Sometimes I would just walk to the lunch room to see daylight.  

Was going to work in the dark and going home in the dark.