Battling Depression

[finnime]

Feb 2, 2023 19:43:16 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

I printed off a map of the US and am planning routes to drive west.  It looks like I will drive and skip Colorado.  I am thinking of flying from my friend in Spokane's place to Alaska.  

I made a plan for the next 4 years.  If I really do it, that will get me to all 50 states.

Planning is fun.  Paying for it is not.

Oh, yes!

[toomuchreality]

Feb 2, 2023 19:43:16 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

I printed off a map of the US and am planning routes to drive west.  It looks like I will drive and skip Colorado.  I am thinking of flying from my friend in Spokane's place to Alaska.  

I made a plan for the next 4 years.  If I really do it, that will get me to all 50 states.

Planning is fun.  Paying for it is not.

That's quite an accomplishment! I hope you're able to make it happen. 🙂👍

[TheOtherMe]

I hope so.  With the exception of the NE states, the states I haven't been to are isolated.  How I missed them.  

If I hadn't gotten hand, foot and mouth disease last summer, I would have knocked off South Carolina.  I was 45 minutes away.

I've flown to Spokane and Seattle several times, so always missed Oregon.

North Dakota is just sitting out there.  Driving to Spokane will take care of that, Oregon and Alaska.

Then there is Alabama, all by itself.  I was in the upper part of Mississippi twice.  How did I not go to Alabama?

[azucena]

DD14 started asking about panic attacks last night. I don't think she's had a 'real' one but she's clearly having high anxiety and may be tipping closer to one. I just sent an email to my therapist to see if she takes teen patients or can recommend someone.  DD14 says there is no way that therapy fits in her schedule right now. I said it's not optional and we don't ignore mental health in this family. She caused a huge ruckus last night trying to stay up way too late to do hw. I shut it down at 11 and DH caught her back up again at 12:30. She alluded to some kind of group English project, not sure on due date, also unclear if she's doing more than her fair share or just procrastinated on her share. Then, this morning, she whined about how tired she was and shouldn't go to school. Nope, that's the natural consequence that we were trying to guide you around.  At least it's Friday and she only has rehearsal until 4. The musical rehearsals have been running 2:30 to 6 M-Th and til 4 on Fri. Performance 2/24 and then maybe some breathing room.

Silver lining is that mental health is 100% covered in my health plan.  Helps tremendously because that now puts all 4 of us in therapy.  DH is leaning towards some more individual counseling.

[finnime]

It seems that, like you, both your daughters are high intensity go-getters who generate a lot of internal pressure, azucena. There is much good in this profile, but it can definitely eat you up if you don't learn to handle it. I'm glad for your DDs, that they have you and you have their backs.

[finnime]

My SIL, a truly wonderful, kind and generous woman, is now in hospice. She has glioblastoma, discovered about a year ago. She has 3 daughters, each smart and able, and 2 grandchildren. I will write her a card but I'm having trouble with what to say. I will miss her.

[toomuchreality]

Feb 3, 2023 17:11:01 GMT -5 finnime said:

My SIL, a truly wonderful, kind and generous woman, is now in hospice. She has glioblastoma, discovered about a year ago. She has 3 daughters, each smart and able, and 2 grandchildren. I will write her a card but I'm having trouble with what to say. I will miss her.

I'm sorry. Loss is hard.

[wvugurl26]

I'm sorry finnime. I'm sure she will appreciate the card. I feel like I never know what to write in cards like that.

[ners]

I am sorry finnime.

[TheOtherMe]

I'm sorry finnime

[Pink Cashmere]

Feb 2, 2023 20:25:17 GMT -5 azucena said:

Mtg with the principal went very well. She can't believe that I'm talking about the same kid she sees at school. Dd10 has permission to duck out of even more classes to use the calming corner in principals office and I'm to encourage dd to talk openly with her about the situations bringing dd to leave class. Hoping dd will listen. Principal will reinforce lots of the same things the therapist and I are trying to teach. Maybe hearing them anew will help.

Principal will go observe the class more often and will even casually check in with dd during recess. She's going to try to get the teacher to back off the micromanaging at least a little. I also mentioned that walking at recess has bragging rights amongst their class's worst offenders and suggested the old school write sentences which made her chuckle.

At this point, I'm thinking it's 33% Dd10 sensitivity and anxiety, 33% teacher style and 20% boys will be boys crap, and 10% girl drama. I'm completely over the latter two. It's 2023, make the boys behave and stop disrupting class. Today one shithead was wiping boogers on a girl and no one would bring it up bc teacher has strict no tatting policy. Eff that, I'm telling my bball team to loudly say things like "stop putting boogers on me" to make it a grownup problem without tattling. Or at least embarrassing the little fuckers doing this shit. They need to be put in their places.

When DD was in first grade, I learned that she spent recess every day literally running from boys the whole time. When I found out, I went to the school to talk to her teacher about it and she wanted to brush it off as boys being boys. NO MA’AM. My daughter will NOT spend another recess running from boys because you all think it’s okay because they “like” her. And I meant it.

Then I got summoned to the school because my daughter told her teacher that I’d told her if a boy was touching her inappropriately or hitting her, to kick him in the balls to try to make him leave her alone lol. I said yep, I told her that, because she has the right to try to defend herself since y’all think it’s okay for her to spend recess running from boys that keep messing with her. If y’all make them leave her alone, there will be no worries about her kicking anyone in the balls. So now what?

Then when DD was in 4th or 5th grade, there was a boy in her class that would hit her and other girls in her class. This went on for months. DD finally beat him up after he hit her one time too many, and all of a sudden hitting was a problem, he was a victim, and I was summoned to the school again because she got suspended for beating him up.

So when I showed up after being summoned that time, one of the Principals was telling me about the school’s zero tolerance for fighting. I asked him where was the zero tolerance when this boy had been hitting the girls in his class for months and the teacher knew it, but nothing was ever done about it. Which was true. He didn’t want to talk about that, which aggravated me. So I told him, I will NEVER tell my child that they have to just accept someone hitting them, nor will I ever tell a child of mine not to defend themself if someone is physically assaulting them “because if you hit me right now, Imma hit you back. None of you adults handled the problem with this boy hitting the girls for months, so my daughter finally handled him herself, and NOW hitting is a problem. But I’m good with her finally fighting back, so just tell me what to do to get her back in class, because I’m done with this”.

Then DD and I went and got ice cream.

I was always very clear with my children that if they started a fight, they are going to be in a lot of trouble with me. But if they engaged because someone hit them first, I had their back and I would deal with the school if they got in trouble for it. Maybe it’s because of some of my own personal issues, but it was very important to me for my children to know they could defend themselves and react if someone did something to them.

I am NOT okay with people excusing that kind of behavior from boys, and say he’s just doing it because he “likes” her, as if that makes it okay. That is how boys grow up and become men that think they can do whatever they want to a girl or woman. 

[saveinla]

Feb 3, 2023 17:11:01 GMT -5 finnime said:

My SIL, a truly wonderful, kind and generous woman, is now in hospice. She has glioblastoma, discovered about a year ago. She has 3 daughters, each smart and able, and 2 grandchildren. I will write her a card but I'm having trouble with what to say. I will miss her.

Really sorry to hear finnime. Its very hard to do.

[busymom]

Pink Cashmere, that's just how my Dad would've handled it.  He always said, "don't you start any fights, but if someone else starts one with you, you finish it".  


I hate that term "boys will be boys".  That's the phrase used by people who are too lazy to teach boys right from wrong.  

[finnime]

I have 3 brothers and 1 sister. Things were often very physical at our house growing up, but my dad taught my brothers to NEVER touch DSis and I. Girls were not for hitting, ever. ODB was a bit of a bully to YDB, but he never touched me. He did hold back my arms when I was trying to hit him, however. And I know he would have beat on anyone else who tried to hit me or DSis. I have one brother younger than me; I am the 4th child.

[azucena]

Feb 3, 2023 16:59:07 GMT -5 finnime said:

It seems that, like you, both your daughters are high intensity go-getters who generate a lot of internal pressure, azucena. There is much good in this profile, but it can definitely eat you up if you don't learn to handle it. I'm glad for your DDs, that they have you and you have their backs.

Yes, my genetics run strong in both of them. It's like parenting myself sometimes which is both scary and healing.

I've told DD10 the same thing about sticking up for herself. She's so worried about getting in trouble for talking out of turn but I've said the minute you get written up for defending yourself or someone else in any way, you start calling for me and I'll drop everything to help set the record straight.

Spent some time this week and more this weekend helping our Vietnamese friend catch up on schoolwork after going back to Vietnam for a month for her grandfather's funeral. Her mom just doesn't read English well enough. Having to advocate for her not to have to do every little worksheet from the month so yet another strike against this teacher. Random crossword puzzle, nope, math problems with coloring, problems yes, coloring no. Use some common sense lady. Meanwhile I already covered my butt by keeping the principal copied in emails where I've been helping the mom correspond about the travel. Principal seems to get it when I mentioned I'd help and our focus would be on key subjects. I said I assume the online grade book has the option to leave off certain assignments from the overall grading. Kiddo is so happy to have help and it's building up dd10 to provide some of the tutoring. I just put a note on papers that we are skipping or modifying and sign my name. Seems to be working so far.

[daisylu]

It is also sometimes very scary when you see yourself in your kids. Mine are older now, but sometimes I want to tell them to do things differently than what I did. My life has turned out pretty good, but it took a while to get here. I want them to get there faster than what I did.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I tell my kids the same thing my dad did me I don't want to hear you started a fight but if someone else does you finish it.

I will be up there to deal with it as fast as I can. You do what you need to defend yourself.

None of this zero tolerance shit where you're expected to just take it.

Especially nowadays people be fucking crazy.

I had a dream last night about my mom but it wasn't a good one.

I screamed at her about going down the Fox News wormhole and how much distance that started putting between us and how unfair it was.

I told her I hope Tucker Carlson dies and I get the opportunity to tap dance on his grave.

Damn. My brain decided to say what I really felt.

So I'm kinda messed up this morning. That's not how I hoped getting a dream about my mom would go.

But it's also something I'm struggling with processing so it was my unconscious doing the shadow work needed for me to close the cycle.

[TheOtherMe]

The Toddler got hit in the face at day care.  He said he hit back.  

Apparently the little boy that hit him has a problem with hitting.  He got put in to some kind of one on one time out for a week.  It wasn't the first time and DN1 was told he could eventually be expelled from that day care.

The written report said the Toddler did not hit back and made it clear that he was not the instigator.

School wouldn't tell DN1 who the child was who hit him because of privacy but a 3 year old knows who hit him and told his parents who it was.

The Toddler had scratches on his face so he got hit pretty good.  He also needed a ton of bandages on his face which is what freaked his dad out when he went to pick him up.  The day care had taken pictures of before the bandages and he didn't need them except that he thought he did.

[Opti]

How awful he got scratched up as well as hit. Must be a helpless feeling for the parents.

Finnime, I hope you share some of the things you cherish about her in your card. Won't be fun to write, but hopefully you can let her know her presence has been appreciated.

[azucena]

It's okay to be angry at your mom. Better to let it out than have it consume you. I've had one-sided convos with my dead dad about how he was finally figuring out how to grandparent just before he died. So unfair.

I keep telling Dd14 to learn from my wisdom. Stop procrastinating bc that only builds the stress and panic. Also stop taking on so much bc it's not worth it in the long run. I make it a joke about my oldness hoping she hears it better that way.

Rocking it thru 4th grade math challenge, extra credit word problems. Can't scare me LOL. Dd10 is enjoying how she will be the only one with them correct as she knew what answers the boys were putting down and now knows they were wrong.

[toomuchreality]

Feb 4, 2023 11:06:44 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

The Toddler got hit in the face at day care.  He said he hit back.  

Apparently the little boy that hit him has a problem with hitting.  He got put in to some kind of one on one time out for a week.  It wasn't the first time and DN1 was told he could eventually be expelled from that day care.

The written report said the Toddler did not hit back and made it clear that he was not the instigator.

School wouldn't tell DN1 who the child was who hit him because of privacy but a 3 year old knows who hit him and told his parents who it was.

The Toddler had scratches on his face so he got hit pretty good.  He also needed a ton of bandages on his face which is what freaked his dad out when he went to pick him up.  The day care had taken pictures of before the bandages and he didn't need them except that he thought he did.

Last year, DGD1 was 3 and in preschool. The same thing happened. A kid in her class went around, randomly hitting the other kids. 0D2 and husband went in and spoke to teacher, the morning after he hit her.
Bully's parents had been contacted numerous times previously. So bully was kicked out for a week. He hit another 3 yr old the 1st day back. His parents were called and told to come get him NOW. He was out for another week or two. Then only aloud to come back, if a parent could come to school with him. They had to stay by his side and control his behavior all day, every day, for weeks!
They did it. (I can't imagine having to take off work for so long and so often, because of my 3 yr old!) I think they moved him to a different school this last fall. I am happy he is gone.
It's got to be hell, living with a child like that.

Good luck to the Toddler!

[TheOtherMe]

Since he only plays with his parents at home, they were surprised he hit back--even if the official report said he didn't.  If he said he hit the kid, I believe him.  

I hope when the other kid is allowed back in the classroom, he can behave.  Somehow I doubt it.  

The Toddler calls all of the other kids "my friend so and so" and that is how he told his parents who hit him.

[Pink Cashmere]

DGS almost got kicked out of daycare because he kept biting other children. DD was at her wits end because she didn’t know how to make him stop. Besides it just being wrong for him to be biting other children, DD was afraid that one of the other parents might confront her about DGS biting their children hard enough to leave tooth marks.

He finally stopped biting at daycare after he finally bit DD. And she bit him back. Not hard, but enough to show him it doesn’t feel good. And he stopped biting at daycare. That how I stopped both her and DS from biting when they were toddlers. If they bit me, I bit them back.

I wouldn’t do that for hitting though.  Idk why I feel like biting a child back to show them what it feels like is different from hitting them back, but I do.

DGS use to also not respect people’s personal space when he was 5 or 6yo. He would step on your foot walking past you, I guess because your feet were in his way lol. If he had shoes on and your feet were bare, it wasn’t pleasant. So DD stepped on his foot one time after he did it to her and asked him how it felt. He didn’t like that. And he stopped walking on people feet afterward.

[Pink Cashmere]

azucena I just want to say that you are an awesome Mom. And also an asset to your community with your coaching and the way you try to encourage and help your daughters’ friends and classmates.

I know that parenting is not always easy, but the way you are handling and addressing issues your daughters are dealing with….. you are doing a GREAT job.

[busymom]

I worked with a woman who had to deal with a biting toddler.  She said she bit him, once, after he bit her and he never did it again.  I guess it never occurred to him that biting hurts.  

[toomuchreality]

Feb 4, 2023 20:14:05 GMT -5 busymom said:

I worked with a woman who had to deal with a biting toddler.  She said she bit him, once, after he bit her and he never did it again.  I guess it never occurred to him that biting hurts.  

It didn't hurt, when he bit people! Not him, anyway!
😖 <shakes head>

[TheOtherMe]

My head is not in a good place.  I'm sure it has something to do with my aunt dying.

[daisylu]

Feb 8, 2023 11:41:41 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

My head is not in a good place.  I'm sure it has something to do with my aunt dying.

I am sorry that the last month has been difficult for with deaths. 

[azucena]

Theo - anything specific we can help with? Any recurring negative self talk that we can beat with Drama's 2x4?


DH and I had therapy last night. We were each able to articulate some things and have her help us communicate. Mostly focused on division of labor and the giant to do list I'm constantly in charge of.  DH has been paying more attn to what needs to be done around the house lately.  And he responded positively when I texted him from work yesterday saying that projects are colliding and I'm going to need even more support at home to get my head above water at work.

I used summer camps as my example and how from his point of view, the summer schedule just magically appears with everyone registered, paid for, and calendar setup to let us all know who goes where and when. And of course all of that planning happens now, in Feb because signups are due and camps get full. I asked him to sit with me and help with the schedule tetris and then I can hand him certain signups that need to be done and it's on him to complete them without asking me question after question. Like sleepaway camp needs medical forms and immunizations...he can look up the doctor name/number/fax and complete the entire registration start to finish. He had no idea that was part of the process which pretty much proves my point.

DD14 needs to perform somewhere this summer. On this item, I'm starting from scratch so he can take over and do it instead. He agreed but says he doesn't have any idea where to start. Probably true but also partly cop-out. I didn't know where to start either, but I've joined 2 local acting fb sites this year and have been following along. I posted out there last week looking for performances and learned auditions happen Feb/March so we need to get on it. One kindred mom spirit sent me her spreadsheet of 25 places she's considering for her 7th grader. That's a huge head start even though someone has to go look what shows are offered at those venues for hs.

And camp schedules mean that I have to have summer vacations locked down. Which then leads to travel plans (mostly road trips), lodging, and a few key items on itinerary. Just once I want to go on a vacation that someone else plans.

Yes, I'm supremely organized and good at scheduling, but I can't carry it entirely anymore. I don't have time and it makes me hella resentful. So last night's talk was helpful. He pointed out that I need to work on walking away when I do delegate - no micromanaging or second guessing. He's completely right and I'm trying to be conscious of that and gave him permission to politely call me out. Meanwhile, he needs to trust his own decision power and not get caught up in what if it's the wrong decision esp if it's not that important.

And since we're communicating better, we've been enjoying Thai more frequently which benefits both of us.

Now if only the monkeys in my work circus would cooperate, I'd be living the life. But, of course, that's the way it goes. Strife on the homefront or strife at work - I haven't experienced a complete declaration of peace in far too long.

[TheOtherMe]

My head keeps reminding me of how there is only one uncle left on each side of my family and I need to go talk to them in person before they are gone.

I was also very sad that at my aunt's funeral two of her grandchildren did not have a tribute read.  They didn't know her and that is the fault of their parents.  My aunt's oldest son never was around after he married, never brought his family to anything.  They may have lived an hour away, but they lived where I grew up and we managed to maintain relationships with both sides of our family.