Battling Depression

[Sharon]

myrrh would your mother accept information from her doctor?  My mother falls into the category of whatever the doctor says I need to do, without question.  I have learned that just because the doctor can't discuss things with you due to HIPAA doesn't mean that they can't listen to what you tell them.  I've called Mom's doctor and was very upfront with saying I know you can't discuss Mom's issues with me but I think you need to know this is what the family is seeing.

[TheOtherMe]

I made that phone call about my dad's hearing and the nurse told him I had called.  He was furious and refused to get his hearing tested because I didn't know what I was talking about.  

I would ask about that, too.

[azucena]

This time it was my husband that brought home a cold. DD10 joked that I should enforce my no sickies in my bed rule and moved him to the couch. I didn't and here I am with another cold.

Trying not to let it get in my head. Took off work yesterday and took 2 long naps amongst watching some tv. Trying to bounce back today and work but I'm so congested. Need to eat something so I can take some meds. Coaching bball practice at noon because school is early dismissal. At least it's Friday but our weekend is set to be pretty busy.  Need to keep juggling work stuff.

DH did some unexpected chores on his snow day which was very nice. Had a long talk with DD14 and DD10 to reset some things. Really need to find even more patience and grace for DD10s daily anxiety meltdowns.

[finnime]

Nice your DH stepped up, azucena. It's a shame your YDD is continuing to have a hard time with big anxiety.

[myrrh]

Thanks to you all, you have some great ideas. I'll talk to my sister and see what we can come up with. Wish me luck, I'll need it lol.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Drugs seem to be doing well.  I am bit jittery but I read that can happen as it builds up in your system so we'll see here I am going to give it the full 6-8 weeks. 

It is nothing like Wellbutrin where I could tell I was manic and met the requirements listed to stop taking it immeadiately.

No major side effects as far as I can tell either so that is good.

Had our second marital counseling session.  I wish we had done this sooner but at the same time I don't think DH was in a stage where he would have been receptive so it probably would have been a waste.

We talked a lot last night about his addiction again and how I am "unsupportive" of him. Which is far from the truth.  I have never doubted for a moment that he CAN.  I doubt that he WANTS to and that is a major difference.

I said I am not going to put myself or the girls through watching him self-destruct.  I watched that with my maternal grandmother, his mother and now my paternal grandmother and GU.  I am tired of watching people I care about not give one shit about anyone but themselves and paying a steep price for it. 

It's extremely traumatizing.  I will do what I need to to protect myself and protect my girls from having to suffer through that.

She agreed that that is NOT an ultimatum.  That is explaining the natural consequences of the path we are on.  I am coming from a place of love I care about him, I care about us, I care about our kids.

He needs to retrain himself to view it in that lens as well.  She said I have every right at this point to expect him to SHOW me he can.  That can only come from inside him.

I've been wrestling with thoughts about my mom lately too.   The therapist asked me what I see of her in me and I honestly couldn't answer.   My mom used to be a bra burning feminist when I was younger so I would have said that but she went down the Fox News wormhole the last couple of years and we became very different in our political views.  It was getting to where Bob and I were questioning if we were her kids because that's not how we remember being raised. 

That hurts.  I mean I "knew" her in regards to the fact she's my mom but I didn't know HER as well as I thought I did.

That comes more to light as my relationship with my dad evolves and I get to know him more as an individual instead of just my dad.

It also bothers me lately that my grandma never really seemed interested in stoking the type of relationship the girls had with our moms.   I get it that is not how she was raised or the type of person she is but so much is going to be lost now that her memory is going.  I suppose I could have made more effort too but I was growing up and consumed with things like college, getting married and having my own kids.

I know I can't focus on what could have been but I was told this is a normal part of processing and grieving.  

[finnime]

Really glad for you that the Presiq is not giving you problems, NomoreDramaQ1015. And, that your DH is willing to do the marital counseling. Keep going; you're doing fine.

Death of someone close to you throws all your relationships into a pot and stirs them up. Plus, you're still changing because you are growing, while the deceased person remains fixed in your mind. It's a lot to process.

[geenamercile]

I decided to try melatonin gummies at night to help with sleep.  I was looking at the data from tattle tale, and I fall asleep fast and will sleep 8 to 9 hours, but the quality isn´t the best.  I am hopeful that better sleep will help with the feeling exhausted all the time and that will help with the mood.  Because the iron doesn´t seem to be doing much with the exhaustion and just being annoyed with myself and moody

[azucena]

Trying to ignore the monkeys at my work circus and get over yet another darn cold without it setting me back again.

Was crabby from work both Mon/Tues and went thru DD10s therapy appt anyway. If something doesn't change at work soon, I'm not sure what happens next.

Then, really wasn't in the mood for counseling with DH. He spent an hour dumping his self esteem issues on me. Stuff like how I could get along so much better without him so he needs me to validate that I want him around. Dude, I'm choosing to be married every day and have weathered so many storms with him.  Stuff like I'm not naturally affectionate, etc, just seems like a convenient way to shift blame. The therapist did circle him back a couple times and also tried to bring up his gaming stuff which has actually been 80% better in the last six months.

Then, he also wanted to know how he could help not contribute to my anxiety which kinda came off as trying to earn points with the therapist but I'm probably being too harsh. I don't know how many times I can say having the house under control and a partner who helps with that is huge. Along with acts of service being my love language and leaving enough air/space/free time for me to have self care which is the least natural thing for me to choose to spend my time on.

I ended the night telling him that he probably needs a few more appts to work on himself just like I've been working so hard on my anxiety and dysfunctional family of origin stuff. That won't fix us if he's not willing to grow too.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

DH and I had a similar discussion in our last session.  I looked at him and said we're still married aren't we?  The therapist agreed with me that the fact I've stuck it out for almost 20 years (been married 15 as of August) is testament I support him.   It's now his turn to show that he is worthy of that support.

Way back when I first tried therapy the lady said something that has stuck with me.  Some people have internal drive.  Some don't some are external.  Most of us are a mix of both but tend to lean one way or another.

Internally driven people are like myself we get up and keep going because we know we have to and it is the right thing to do.  My motivation comes from within.

External people need constant validation and seek to have others fill that hole inside of them.  They can't generate that drive to keep going by themselves.  Since we are human we eventually fail in this task and they turn on us because they cannot generate that inner fire themselves and are upset that we cannot continue doing so.

I can't keep being DH's self esteem for him that's not how it works.   HE needs to light his own fire under his butt and develop self worth.  I can't keep pouring myself into him because it will never end.

[azucena]

Interesting Drama.

The kicker is that DH had internal drive and lost it because when he was sick I completely took over.  Before that he had 2-3 jobs from ages 14-22 so he was internally driven. Yet another thing he lost along with his large intestines and several years of his life.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Dh used to be too.  He graduated a year early from HS because he was so motivated.    Then somewhere along the line it went away. 

Which was something I pointed out to him the other day.  I said clearly at some point you had motivation so it stands to reason you can find it again.  

[Tennesseer]

Feb 1, 2023 10:15:39 GMT -5 geenamercile said:

I decided to try melatonin gummies at night to help with sleep.  I was looking at the data from tattle tale, and I fall asleep fast and will sleep 8 to 9 hours, but the quality isn´t the best.  I am hopeful that better sleep will help with the feeling exhausted all the time and that will help with the mood.  Because the iron doesn´t seem to be doing much with the exhaustion and just being annoyed with myself and moody

I take a 10g pill of melatonin each night. I fall quickly asleep. What I know of it, it's not supposed to give the taker an all night sleep. Just helps one fall asleep.

[TheOtherMe]

My winter affliction of SAD has set in big time.  I AM taking my meds.  

I have no motivation to do much of anything.  I can take care of the cats and myself but other than that all I want to do is genealogy research.  I don't think the research is harming me.  

I am sleeping fairly well but I don't want to get up when I wake up.  

Toying with a me only trip to at least a cabin in the Rockies.  I might drive on to visit my friend in Spokane.  I could knock off two of my remaining 8 states on that trip.  

I am concerned that when the Covid health emergency ends, I will no longer be able to do therapy by telehealth and I do not want to go in to the office.

[azucena]

Fwiw, I don't see any reason to limit your genealogy. Let it fill your time esp in the winter cold.

Schedule a trip. Chuckling to myself that you'd choose to go to another cold area though;)

My therapist is only telehealth as is her whole office. I love not having to drive somewhere and being home when I finish and am worn out.

Having a glass of wine bc it made me sleep so well several nights ago. So good that DH said I scored. OH well, he can deal LOL.

Today's been a good day for DD10. No real reason why that I can tell but I'll take it.

[TheOtherMe]

I would not take the trip until late spring/early summer because I have a wedding here followed by a trip to Toronto to celebrate the Toddler's 3rd birthday in March.  

I feel the same way about you with telehealth but with the public emergency ending, I don't know where that stands in regards to Medicare and my insurance.  I feel you on the drive afterwards.  Sometimes it's so hard to pay attention.

[finnime]

Since CMS has in their fee schedule remittance for both telehealth and in person visits to be equal, I think that telehealth is here to stay. Another benefit from Covid.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I have zero luck with telehealth since they got rid of the pandemic provisions.  The problem for us is they are not allowed to do it over state lines.  All the hospitals and clinics in Council Bluffs are associated with Omaha.  Omaha is in Nebraska.

So even though the kids go to the Children's clinic in Council Bluffs I cannot do a telehealth appointment because the telehealth line is ran out of the main campus on 84th Street in Omaha. 

I have had better luck with the mental health apps.  However I did not have a relationship established with anyone yet.

I can get the concern because there have been mutterings around here because since it is cheaper to do telehealth they aren't making as much money off of office visits so they are trying to get it so you are required to come in office so many times or they won't see you as a patient.

And that right there is what is wrong with a for profit health care system.

[azucena]

After yet another before school meltdown, I made an appt to talk with the school principal this afternoon and she readily accepted. DD10 can't keep going to school in this mindset for the next 4 months. I skipped over the teacher because frankly she's part of the problem. She runs such a tight ship that the kids can't talk to each other in line so DD10 is constantly afraid of getting in trouble. But when others act out, the punishment is either to make them walk laps at recess or take away 5 mins of recess for the whole class followed by a lecture. The agitators have decided to make a game out of how many laps they can get so clearly that's an effective consequence. Meanwhile, it's no wonder that my well-behaved kid doesn't want to go sit in disruption all day.

If nothing else, at least I'll feel like I'm doing something.

DD10s other big school beef is that a former friend seems to be making fun of her. This week it's about her hair.  DD10 has taken a shower and then put in braids the last couple of nights to create waves by morning. She was pleased with it Mon/Tues but this morning, even though it looked similar, it wasn't to her liking. Complete and total meltdown which finally resulted in her telling me about the teasing. Former friend has beautiful African-American hair that DD has always admired - curly, straightened, braided, etc. I pondered out loud that maybe this girl is feeling extra self-conscious about her own hair esp since she's one of a handful of AA kids at our school. So maybe the teasing is a pre-emptive strike to turn attn a different direction. DD seemed to consider that and said maybe she'd try complimenting her. At least it's an option. DD doesn't want to speak up for herself and also doesn't seem capable of ignoring the teasing and concentrating on her other friends who could care less about hair. Being a girl is hard.

[TheOtherMe]

Feb 2, 2023 9:51:12 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I have zero luck with telehealth since they got rid of the pandemic provisions.  The problem for us is they are not allowed to do it over state lines.  All the hospitals and clinics in Council Bluffs are associated with Omaha.  Omaha is in Nebraska.

So even though the kids go to the Children's clinic in Council Bluffs I cannot do a telehealth appointment because the telehealth line is ran out of the main campus on 84th Street in Omaha. 

I have had better luck with the mental health apps.  However I did not have a relationship established with anyone yet.

I can get the concern because there have been mutterings around here because since it is cheaper to do telehealth they aren't making as much money off of office visits so they are trying to get it so you are required to come in office so many times or they won't see you as a patient.

And that right there is what is wrong with a for profit health care system.

My therapist is licensed in Iowa, Illinois and Wisconsin, as are most of the practitioners at the clinic.  She as billed what she was billing before since doing telehealth.  I don't know if their reimbursement is the same or not.  

They did spend a lot of upfront money to get the system going and have switched twice to better systems, so they do have a $$ investment in this.  

She did tell me that at present, it's mostly mental health that is doing telehealth.  One day it crashed in the middle of our appointment and we had to finish over the phone.  I would not want to do that.

[TheOtherMe]

Feb 2, 2023 5:50:21 GMT -5 finnime said:

Since CMS has in their fee schedule remittance for both telehealth and in person visits to be equal, I think that telehealth is here to stay. Another benefit from Covid.

I hope you are correct.  I need to look at my health insurance, too.  I think that provision is in their coverage.  

Medicare saw the benefit for us old people.

[wvugurl26]

I don't think Medicare will totally go back to the old telehealth rules. They are looking at ways to keep the bad guys out. Every DME or compound pharmacy fraud seems to have physicians that supposedly saw the patient via telehealth. They are cognizant of the benefits of telehealth and trying to balance it.

[geenamercile]

Feb 1, 2023 18:13:43 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Feb 1, 2023 10:15:39 GMT -5 geenamercile said:

I decided to try melatonin gummies at night to help with sleep.  I was looking at the data from tattle tale, and I fall asleep fast and will sleep 8 to 9 hours, but the quality isn´t the best.  I am hopeful that better sleep will help with the feeling exhausted all the time and that will help with the mood.  Because the iron doesn´t seem to be doing much with the exhaustion and just being annoyed with myself and moody

I take a 10g pill of melatonin each night. I fall quickly asleep. What I know of it, it's not supposed to give the taker an all night sleep. Just helps one fall asleep.

I fall asleep, and stay asleep, I just tend to stay in the light sleep so seeing what it does for quality.  Apparently from light research it is also good for the after effects of strokes and may help with blood pressure, so seeing more pros for trying then cons.   

[Tennesseer]

Feb 2, 2023 19:00:05 GMT -5 geenamercile said:

Feb 1, 2023 18:13:43 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

I take a 10g pill of melatonin each night. I fall quickly asleep. What I know of it, it's not supposed to give the taker an all night sleep. Just helps one fall asleep.

I fall asleep, and stay asleep, I just tend to stay in the light sleep so seeing what it does for quality.  Apparently from light research it is also good for the after effects of strokes and may help with blood pressure, so seeing more pros for trying then cons.   

Just saw I misquoted the dose amount. I take a 10mg pill and not a 10g pill. I do like it that it puts me right asleep.

[busymom]

Feb 2, 2023 10:22:48 GMT -5 azucena said:

After yet another before school meltdown, I made an appt to talk with the school principal this afternoon and she readily accepted. DD10 can't keep going to school in this mindset for the next 4 months. I skipped over the teacher because frankly she's part of the problem. She runs such a tight ship that the kids can't talk to each other in line so DD10 is constantly afraid of getting in trouble. But when others act out, the punishment is either to make them walk laps at recess or take away 5 mins of recess for the whole class followed by a lecture. The agitators have decided to make a game out of how many laps they can get so clearly that's an effective consequence. Meanwhile, it's no wonder that my well-behaved kid doesn't want to go sit in disruption all day.

If nothing else, at least I'll feel like I'm doing something.

DD10s other big school beef is that a former friend seems to be making fun of her. This week it's about her hair.  DD10 has taken a shower and then put in braids the last couple of nights to create waves by morning. She was pleased with it Mon/Tues but this morning, even though it looked similar, it wasn't to her liking. Complete and total meltdown which finally resulted in her telling me about the teasing. Former friend has beautiful African-American hair that DD has always admired - curly, straightened, braided, etc. I pondered out loud that maybe this girl is feeling extra self-conscious about her own hair esp since she's one of a handful of AA kids at our school. So maybe the teasing is a pre-emptive strike to turn attn a different direction. DD seemed to consider that and said maybe she'd try complimenting her. At least it's an option. DD doesn't want to speak up for herself and also doesn't seem capable of ignoring the teasing and concentrating on her other friends who could care less about hair. Being a girl is hard.

    I feel badly for your DD.  A teacher can make or break a school year, and the really bad teachers can result in problems requiring therapy even years after the damage is done.  

    I had a former supervisor who literally made all of our lives hell.  When I heard she was originally going to be a teacher, I thanked God that she never was, because she was good at messing with the heads of adults.  She would've tortured kids.  

[TheOtherMe]

I printed off a map of the US and am planning routes to drive west.  It looks like I will drive and skip Colorado.  I am thinking of flying from my friend in Spokane's place to Alaska.  

I made a plan for the next 4 years.  If I really do it, that will get me to all 50 states.

Planning is fun.  Paying for it is not.

[TheOtherMe]

Feb 2, 2023 19:08:55 GMT -5 busymom said:

Feb 2, 2023 10:22:48 GMT -5 azucena said:

After yet another before school meltdown, I made an appt to talk with the school principal this afternoon and she readily accepted. DD10 can't keep going to school in this mindset for the next 4 months. I skipped over the teacher because frankly she's part of the problem. She runs such a tight ship that the kids can't talk to each other in line so DD10 is constantly afraid of getting in trouble. But when others act out, the punishment is either to make them walk laps at recess or take away 5 mins of recess for the whole class followed by a lecture. The agitators have decided to make a game out of how many laps they can get so clearly that's an effective consequence. Meanwhile, it's no wonder that my well-behaved kid doesn't want to go sit in disruption all day.

If nothing else, at least I'll feel like I'm doing something.

DD10s other big school beef is that a former friend seems to be making fun of her. This week it's about her hair.  DD10 has taken a shower and then put in braids the last couple of nights to create waves by morning. She was pleased with it Mon/Tues but this morning, even though it looked similar, it wasn't to her liking. Complete and total meltdown which finally resulted in her telling me about the teasing. Former friend has beautiful African-American hair that DD has always admired - curly, straightened, braided, etc. I pondered out loud that maybe this girl is feeling extra self-conscious about her own hair esp since she's one of a handful of AA kids at our school. So maybe the teasing is a pre-emptive strike to turn attn a different direction. DD seemed to consider that and said maybe she'd try complimenting her. At least it's an option. DD doesn't want to speak up for herself and also doesn't seem capable of ignoring the teasing and concentrating on her other friends who could care less about hair. Being a girl is hard.

    I feel badly for your DD.  A teacher can make or break a school year, and the really bad teachers can result in problems requiring therapy even years after the damage is done.  

    I had a former supervisor who literally made all of our lives hell.  When I heard she was originally going to be a teacher, I thanked God that she never was, because she was good at messing with the heads of adults.  She would've tortured kids.  

I don't recall teachers treating me like this but I never understood punishing the entire class for something one person did.  We used to have to stay after school, but most moms didn't work back then.  

I had one micromanager in my entire working career.  It was horrible.  We had an average of 5 stand up meetings a day to redo the order of work.  My co-worker and I both felt like these were a waste of our time and we could have been working the 1 to 2 hours a day it took for those meetings.  

[azucena]

Mtg with the principal went very well. She can't believe that I'm talking about the same kid she sees at school. Dd10 has permission to duck out of even more classes to use the calming corner in principals office and I'm to encourage dd to talk openly with her about the situations bringing dd to leave class. Hoping dd will listen. Principal will reinforce lots of the same things the therapist and I are trying to teach. Maybe hearing them anew will help.

Principal will go observe the class more often and will even casually check in with dd during recess. She's going to try to get the teacher to back off the micromanaging at least a little. I also mentioned that walking at recess has bragging rights amongst their class's worst offenders and suggested the old school write sentences which made her chuckle.

At this point, I'm thinking it's 33% Dd10 sensitivity and anxiety, 33% teacher style and 20% boys will be boys crap, and 10% girl drama. I'm completely over the latter two. It's 2023, make the boys behave and stop disrupting class. Today one shithead was wiping boogers on a girl and no one would bring it up bc teacher has strict no tatting policy. Eff that, I'm telling my bball team to loudly say things like "stop putting boogers on me" to make it a grownup problem without tattling. Or at least embarrassing the little fuckers doing this shit. They need to be put in their places.

[toomuchreality]

Feb 2, 2023 20:25:17 GMT -5 azucena said:

Mtg with the principal went very well. She can't believe that I'm talking about the same kid she sees at school. Dd10 has permission to duck out of even more classes to use the calming corner in principals office and I'm to encourage dd to talk openly with her about the situations bringing dd to leave class. Hoping dd will listen. Principal will reinforce lots of the same things the therapist and I are trying to teach. Maybe hearing them anew will help.

Principal will go observe the class more often and will even casually check in with dd during recess. She's going to try to get the teacher to back off the micromanaging at least a little. I also mentioned that walking at recess has bragging rights amongst their class's worst offenders and suggested the old school write sentences which made her chuckle.

At this point, I'm thinking it's 33% Dd10 sensitivity and anxiety, 33% teacher style and 20% boys will be boys crap, and 10% girl drama. I'm completely over the latter two. It's 2023, make the boys behave and stop disrupting class. Today one shithead was wiping boogers on a girl and no one would bring it up bc teacher has strict no tatting policy. Eff that, I'm telling my bball team to loudly say things like "stop putting boogers on me" to make it a grownup problem without tattling. Or at least embarrassing the little fuckers doing this shit. They need to be put in their places.

I so very much, agree with you.
I didn't love every teacher I had, growing up. But only once, did I have one that I was truly afraid of. I was in 7th grade and one night, I went to my mom crying. Told her I couldn't go to school the next day and why. (School had started 2-3 weeks previous.) Thankfully, she listened. She told me, she would take care of it. I didn't have to go back to his class. That I should go to the office, if I hadn't heard from her by the time that class started, the next day. So that's what I did. I don't remember what happened after that. Just that I didn't ever have to go back to that class, with the that teacher. It still means a lot to me, all these years later.
You're doing great!

[finnime]

Good for you, azucena, championing your DD. It will mean so much to her to know she has an advocate working on her behalf to change things up for her.