Battling Depression

[lurkyloo]

Pink, I second the encouragement to go ahead and call the psych.  And I sympathize with the desire to just sleep and shut everything out, but meds can help you function for the necessities while your subconscious works theough things and that’s important.

[raeoflyte]

Dec 2, 2024 19:57:28 GMT -5 azucena said:

Pink - pls call the psych and let them know you need more help. Don't wait. Maybe they can layer in a different med.

Therapist sent us to admit Teen for inpatient mental health stay. Currently sitting in their intake. Took her to the best place I know of bc she's been treated rotten at the 3 places she's been to in the last 2 yrs.

Oh big hugs... I've done that wait with dsis and I can imagine how much harder it is with a Kiddo.

[azucena]

Dec 2, 2024 20:13:08 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

All the hugs, azucena.  At least with the inpatient stay they should control parental access without either you or her ticking off TFW or dad?  I’m so sorry this all blew up again so soon.

TFW is still legally under no contact orders. Teen has said don't let dad come see me and no one will make that call here yet bc he still has legal custody. So far he doesn't know which hospital we are at

I did end up texting him and saying admitted and waiting for psychiatrist to which he answered ok and stopped calling. Nurse took her phone away so I didn't have to be the bad guy.

She told me to send childrens services supervisor here during her stay so she can say she needs 100% no contact from both even if that means state makes medical decisions. Has to be better than emotional blackmail, right?

They are coming for home visit tomorrow and I'll update them then and show them the texts. Plus give them the stupid ambulance bills that keep showing up at my house. I can't send them in bc I can't sign off on them billing medicaid.

Apparently they ran background check on us by contacting local police who said we have records on that family lol.

[finnime]

I agree strongly with azucena, Pink Cashmere, don't wait. Call the psychiatrist and tell them you need something else because what you're taking is not it.

When I've been in a state where I can't sleep but can't really get up either and long to sleep for a week I know I've dropped down into major depression. Fortunately that is treatable with the right meds.

[finnime]

I'm with you in spirit, azucena. It's a painful lonely road to be on. Thinking of BT and of you, too.

[Opti]

Dec 2, 2024 20:36:20 GMT -5 azucena said:

Dec 2, 2024 20:13:08 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

All the hugs, azucena .  At least with the inpatient stay they should control parental access without either you or her ticking off TFW or dad?  I’m so sorry this all blew up again so soon.

TFW is still legally under no contact orders. Teen has said don't let dad come see me and no one will make that call here yet bc he still has legal custody. So far he doesn't know which hospital we are at [img src="https://i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff155/JiminiChristmas/ymamsmiles/smile.gif" src="//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/smiley.png" alt="" class="smile"]

I did end up texting him and saying admitted and waiting for psychiatrist to which he answered ok and stopped calling. Nurse took her phone away so I didn't have to be the bad guy.

She told me to send childrens services supervisor here during her stay so she can say she needs 100% no contact from both even if that means state makes medical decisions. Has to be better than emotional blackmail, right?

They are coming for home visit tomorrow and I'll update them then and show them the texts. Plus give them the stupid ambulance bills that keep showing up at my house. I can't send them in bc I can't sign off on them billing medicaid.

Apparently they ran background check on us by contacting local police who said we have records on that family lol.

You all are going through so much. I am glad you are with bonus teen to protect her. Here's hoping the better other side will be soon for both of you.

[lurkyloo]

Dec 2, 2024 20:36:20 GMT -5 azucena said:

Dec 2, 2024 20:13:08 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

All the hugs, azucena .  At least with the inpatient stay they should control parental access without either you or her ticking off TFW or dad?  I’m so sorry this all blew up again so soon.

TFW is still legally under no contact orders. Teen has said don't let dad come see me and no one will make that call here yet bc he still has legal custody. So far he doesn't know which hospital we are at [img src="https://i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff155/JiminiChristmas/ymamsmiles/smile.gif" class="smile" src="//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/smiley.png" alt=""]

I did end up texting him and saying admitted and waiting for psychiatrist to which he answered ok and stopped calling. Nurse took her phone away so I didn't have to be the bad guy.

She told me to send childrens services supervisor here during her stay so she can say she needs 100% no contact from both even if that means state makes medical decisions. Has to be better than emotional blackmail, right?

They are coming for home visit tomorrow and I'll update them then and show them the texts. Plus give them the stupid ambulance bills that keep showing up at my house. I can't send them in bc I can't sign off on them billing medicaid.

Apparently they ran background check on us by contacting local police who said we have records on that family lol.

Right, silly of me to worry about TFW bc a. no contact order and b. too late, you’re breathing which is enough to set her off all by itself.  (pointless rant excised) 

I know you’ve got it covered, I’m just so sorry that it is all so hard.  I mean, teen breakups happen and BT is going through a lot and needs a lot of emotional support and it’s not wrong for gf to decide she can’t deal…but man.  Just one more thing.  

I think the state making medical decisions sounds great honestly.  At least they wouldn’t be withholding medical care for the hell of it or for power trips.

[azucena]

I left the hospital at 1 am when it was clear that they had no idea what facility they were going to place her in. I got lost in the hospital as I was crying and ended up walking out the opposite side where I promptly threw up in the bushes and then had a long, cold walk back to my car where I proceeded to cry drive myself home which prob was a mistake.

They couldn't even get their shit together enough to give her her meds, you know the anti-depressants that are sorta key in trying to limit her spiral. And I couldn't get her to take them the night before so now that's two days missed. Gearing myself up to call this morning and try to play the foster mom card without saying the unofficial part and see if they will tell me next steps.

And then I'll have to figure out how to deal with bio dad who will now be known as TFM because he's burned his chance with me to the point that I let Teen tell me I told you so and fully apologized for even giving him a chance. As triage nurse was going thru admit paperwork, Teen was on the phone with him and he was actually yelling at her but she wouldn't disrespect him by hanging up on his ass. Meanwhile nurse said no phones and pointed to huge sign. I physically took phone from Teen which was no small task and promptly turned it off. So he began blowing up my phone which I silenced and then made him wait two hours before I texted him an update. Fucker.

[azucena]

They won't talk to me because I don't have a code word. No one even suggested setting one up. Got transferred 3 times asking for supervisor and ended up in voicemail of someone who only works Mon, Fri, Sat. Restraining myself from driving there and raising hell. Called social worker and left msg.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Dec 3, 2024 8:55:05 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Dec 2, 2024 20:36:20 GMT -5 azucena said:

TFW is still legally under no contact orders. Teen has said don't let dad come see me and no one will make that call here yet bc he still has legal custody. So far he doesn't know which hospital we are at [img src="https://i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff155/JiminiChristmas/ymamsmiles/smile.gif" class="smile" src="//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/smiley.png" alt=""]

I did end up texting him and saying admitted and waiting for psychiatrist to which he answered ok and stopped calling. Nurse took her phone away so I didn't have to be the bad guy.

She told me to send childrens services supervisor here during her stay so she can say she needs 100% no contact from both even if that means state makes medical decisions. Has to be better than emotional blackmail, right?

They are coming for home visit tomorrow and I'll update them then and show them the texts. Plus give them the stupid ambulance bills that keep showing up at my house. I can't send them in bc I can't sign off on them billing medicaid.

Apparently they ran background check on us by contacting local police who said we have records on that family lol.

Right, silly of me to worry about TFW bc a. no contact order and b. too late, you’re breathing which is enough to set her off all by itself.  (pointless rant excised) 

I know you’ve got it covered, I’m just so sorry that it is all so hard.  I mean, teen breakups happen and BT is going through a lot and needs a lot of emotional support and it’s not wrong for gf to decide she can’t deal…but man.  Just one more thing.  

I think the state making medical decisions sounds great honestly.  At least they wouldn’t be withholding medical care for the hell of it or for power trips.

It may not end up being the greatest care or what you would personally pick/want for her but it would remove so much power from her parents.  There is nothing to blackmail over if the state takes control they will stonewall her parents.

I get how hard it is to stomach the thought but it will also take so so much pressure off you azucena.  They won't work with you anyhow but they are expecting you to deal with all the bull shit.  Let Bio Nut and her dad harass DHS 24/7 instead.

I think it's time.  You're fighting against a system that unfortunately you can't win against.  It would only be a year until BT is old enough to make her own medical decisions.   IMO it is better to let the state be the go-between at this point.  If that is the case you don't have to engage with either parent anymore it's no longer your problem/business.

[TheOtherMe]

 for Pink, azucena and Teen

[azucena]

I kept calling CPS every 30 mins until they answered and now have spilled the whole story and suggested they visit Teen today to hear directly from her that she wants to go no contact. I also said I'm no longer contacting TFM bc it won't end well. They are supposed to keep me updated and I still have home visit scheduled at 3 pm today so at least will have another chance to plead Teen's case with them.

I don't know if TFM has enough info to know which hospital system to track Teen down in or even if they called him last night to get consent.

I hate not knowing where she is even if she's safe. Luckily she managed to sleep almost half of the waiting time last night. She woke up when I went in the hall to try to get an update from the nurse so I was able to tell her that I needed to leave (I fibbed a bit and said they were kicking me out bc I just couldn't sit there anymore) and then I told her I was proud of her for speaking up enough to get help and that I'd visit if they let me. Rubbed her back, put her back to sleep and snuck out. So unbelievably hard. 

DD12 didn't make it to school. I got to see DD16 for 5 mins this morning and just hug it out before she went to school where I know she'll have support from friends and teachers.

Have gotten thru the absolutely necessary work for my real job and now going to call my pastor and see if she can come sit with me.

[azucena]

Pretty sure she got transferred to lesser facility bc medicaid doesn't like the better one I took her to on purpose.

So much of this is covert racism. This kid could overcome so much and be a fully productive member of society AND impact so many lives thru teaching and relating to other teens just like her someday but the system won't help, in fact, it's literally designed with roadblocks to prevent her from succeeding.

[finnime]

IME having an outpatient psychiatrist/psychologist call ahead to the hospital to arrange for a stay brings good things. They listen to private doctors. They have to or suffer for want of admissions.

[finnime]

Ugh, that is an ugly load, azucena, between bureaucracies of CPS and mental health and the really hard place of TFW/TFM. Wishing you wisdom to deal.

[azucena]

Teen managed to get them to call me and was questioning why I didn't visit today. She's still in same facility but they won't tell me the plan. I'm going to visit and take her safe, comfy clothes and books after home visit.

Social services called back to confirm appt but it's clear they didn't track Teen thru the system at all yet. Frigging waste of my tax dollars.

[Pink Cashmere]

azucena I don’t even know what to say. So imma just send you   and  . For you, Teen, and the rest of your family.

[azucena]

Passed the home visit because I had food in the fridge (although limited since I haven't restocked post-vacation mess) and electricity. Had to remind them that they're supposed to see Teen's room to prove she doesn't have to share it. 7 mins inside my home and I'm approved to parent LMAO.

Meanwhile it seems like from children's services end TFM technically hasn't broken mediation agreement because he consented to her medical care and admit last night. Okaaaay then.

They were over an hour late getting here so I was late getting to Teen and then no one told me that she was in a different building across the street. All good though bc this meant I just missed running into TFM visiting her. She relented and let him and thus reopens the circle of never-ending dysfunction. Can't really blame her because she's just a kid and buried deep she still has hope that he cares.

Had to put everything in lockup and then they had to go thru the bag of clothes and things that I brought for Teen. No hard backed books can go in her room so the library books stay in the common area. Got to see her for 25 mins during which she cried and said this was my fault she's locked up. I said I'll only take half the blame and therapist gets the other half. That did make her laugh. I said we were both doing our duty by her to keep her safe. 

Psychiatrist there told her psychiatrist should have stood up to TFW and not removed the bipolar med. I was given a survey form to fill out and wrote about how slowly I was still weaning her off per pharmacist so he really shouldn't stop cold turkey. Also talked to her to advocate for more zoloft or something in addition. She said he's moving it to the morning bc maybe it's impacting her sleep. Her did change sleep med bc she's sleeping better but not great. I wrote down the four meds she's already tried that didn't work bc she couldn't remember new one. She thinks she's in for 3 days total with today being one of them and she slept thru all therapy except one. I'm going to ask therapist to call there and see if she can work with psychiatrist to make this stay more worthwhile.

I do think my stink about not moving her to worse facility paid off. Teen did tell me thank you for being "politely thorny" with them about it last night.

Visiting hours from 4:30 to 6 only so guessing I'll have no choice but to bump into TFM tomorrow.

[azucena]

Dec 3, 2024 19:27:32 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

azucena I don’t even know what to say. So imma just send you   and  . For you, Teen, and the rest of your family.

Pink - I'll take it. One of my good friends texted me   poop emoji  poop in repeating string today and I thought that was a perfect check-in/summary of my day.

[Pink Cashmere]

I read y’all’s posts, but I still did not call the psychiatrist today. My next scheduled appointment with her is next Tuesday, so whatever.

I really can’t deal with anything past trying to get through the next 24 hours, so I’m really just flying by the seat of my pants on a day by day or even hourly basis. And I am a planner, and prefer to be organized as far as what I’m going to do and when, but I don’t even have the energy for that right now.

Mister is annoyed because instead of dealing with the check engine light on in the Jeep, or dealing with my car smelling “hot” after I drove it, I just said I’m driving the Tahoe for now. He hasn’t said anything verbally, but I know him and I know how he is silently judging any and everything I do or don’t do right now. He should know that it’s just another sign of how I am struggling, because he has said a thousand times in the past that he knows how I am about my car. So if I’m avoiding a potential issue with my car and not running to take it to have what might be an serious issue addressed, that should tell him something. 

Every single day is a struggle for me lately and even though I am how I am about my car, I don’t have it in me to deal with that right now, if I have another means of transportation. Or dealing with the Jeep. Idek which vehicle I should address first, and it feels like too many decisions to make, when I have so many other decisions and other shit that I am struggling with. So I am taking the easy way out and just claiming the Tahoe for now, to just try to get by and through all the struggles I’m having in this moment.

I don’t even talk to him anymore about anything that’s going on with me, mentally or physically. I got irate enough last week I think, to tell him that I have been seeing a psychiatrist. In hindsight, I wish I hadn’t even been upset enough to admit that to him. My son is the only person IRL that knows that, and when I told DS, he was like “yessssss! If that’s what you feel you need to do, DO that”, and encouraged me to do whatever I need to do to take care of my mental health. And that is without me going into details with DS, I dare not tell him what is going on with me and Mister, even in a general kind of way, because he and DD feel like they can drive me crazy and stress me out, but that’s just for them to do, and they will act up if anybody else does it, including Mister. 

Mister can feel however he feels about me not dealing with my vehicles right now. I feel how I feel about a lot of stuff that pertains to him.