Battling Depression

[Lizard Queen]

Ah, yes, my life seems to be filled with one impossible task after another. Right now, it's job hunting. I've got a wall, and just can't go on. I think that I'm starting to get unstuck, but it takes a lot of work.

As far as news and politics, I quit them the day after the last election. No more npr, I now listen to music in the car. No more news on tv, which wasn't hard because I rarely watch it anymore, and when I do, it's streaming shows. Some of it still gets in, but I try not to focus on it too much. I feel a lot more ignorant about what is going on, but that's okay. It doesn't really do any good to get upset about things that I have no control over.

[finnime]

I admire how you are able to take steps toward job hunting even if not totally scale that wall you speak of. I can't. I can't even name a job I might be able to do, much less organize a plan for getting one. Anything you do moves you ahead. For me it's some day, maybe. More realistically right now I can sometimes choose what to have for lunch.

[Opti]

Sept 6, 2018 20:37:36 GMT -5 finnime said:

I admire how you are able to take steps toward job hunting even if not totally scale that wall you speak of. I can't. I can't even name a job I might be able to do, much less organize a plan for getting one. Anything you do moves you ahead. For me it's some day, maybe. More realistically right now I can sometimes choose what to have for lunch.

If its that bad, you can only do what you are able to do. You have to measure against your wall, your obstacles.

I find this time of year very tough because of ragweed and other allergens. I've also learned that for me, if my sinus infection stops draining for whatever reason, it can present as depression and agitation. But the real root cause is sinus infections trapped in my sinuses plus likely under hydration. I'm slowly recovering from massive stress and this brutal summer, so I get what you are saying. I am doing a little better, but not by much. I can seem to accomplish one thing a day plus make meals if I don't screw up too much.

I do have to get better quick though, now that Labor day has passed, the employment market will be active the next couple months and then slow again for the holidays.

[Opti]

Sept 6, 2018 19:48:00 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

Ah, yes, my life seems to be filled with one impossible task after another. Right now, it's job hunting. I've got a wall, and just can't go on. I think that I'm starting to get unstuck, but it takes a lot of work.

As far as news and politics, I quit them the day after the last election. No more npr, I now listen to music in the car. No more news on tv, which wasn't hard because I rarely watch it anymore, and when I do, it's streaming shows. Some of it still gets in, but I try not to focus on it too much. I feel a lot more ignorant about what is going on, but that's okay. It doesn't really do any good to get upset about things that I have no control over.

I find actively looking for things that make you happy, is a way to help stay positive and moving. So I'm watching lots of comedies from the library although I admit I am watching some old stuff thinking on our political situation now.

When it gets too much, I pop out the DVD and go for something lighter.

[buystoys]

Thanks for sharing that link finnime!  It put into words what I couldn't say.

[TheOtherMe]

I read the link last week and it's me.

[empress of self-improvement]

I'm feeling a little down today I feel about DH's shower days as TheO feels about her father's shopping days. He takes swelteringly hot showers because he loves it hot. Unfortunately, the hot doesn't love him back. So then I have to help him transfer from the shower to the toilet. No matter to me as I tell him every. single. time. Today feels particularly bad because I also had to dry him off. So he sits there and gets all sad because he is putting me through this. I don't feel like I can say anything to his family right now because his mother is getting worse as well (dementia and broken heart) so they are all focusing, aka fighting, about her. I need to escape again.

[buystoys]

Sept 7, 2018 15:17:19 GMT -5 empress of self-improvement said:

I'm feeling a little down today I feel about DH's shower days as TheO feels about her father's shopping days. He takes swelteringly hot showers because he loves it hot. Unfortunately, the hot doesn't love him back. So then I have to help him transfer from the shower to the toilet. No matter to me as I tell him every. single. time. Today feels particularly bad because I also had to dry him off. So he sits there and gets all sad because he is putting me through this. I don't feel like I can say anything to his family right now because his mother is getting worse as well (dementia and broken heart) so they are all focusing, aka fighting, about her. I need to escape again.

I've been wondering if you were OK.  All I can do is give you virtual hugs.

[empress of self-improvement]

Sept 7, 2018 15:23:26 GMT -5 buystoys said:

Sept 7, 2018 15:17:19 GMT -5 empress of self-improvement said:

I'm feeling a little down today I feel about DH's shower days as TheO feels about her father's shopping days. He takes swelteringly hot showers because he loves it hot. Unfortunately, the hot doesn't love him back. So then I have to help him transfer from the shower to the toilet. No matter to me as I tell him every. single. time. Today feels particularly bad because I also had to dry him off. So he sits there and gets all sad because he is putting me through this. I don't feel like I can say anything to his family right now because his mother is getting worse as well (dementia and broken heart) so they are all focusing, aka fighting, about her. I need to escape again.

I've been wondering if you were OK.  All I can do is give you virtual hugs.

I'll take them. Thanks I was doing pretty good until today so I guess that counts for something.

[NoNamePerson]

Sept 7, 2018 15:43:25 GMT -5 empress of self-improvement said:

Sept 7, 2018 15:23:26 GMT -5 buystoys said:

I've been wondering if you were OK.  All I can do is give you virtual hugs.

I'll take them. Thanks I was doing pretty good until today so I guess that counts for something.

[finnime]

Sept 7, 2018 16:06:09 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

Sept 7, 2018 15:43:25 GMT -5 empress of self-improvement said:

I'll take them. Thanks I was doing pretty good until today so I guess that counts for something.

I'm sorry, empress of self-improvement. You carry a heavy load.

[TheOtherMe]

It feels like a never ending battle, doesn't it empress of self-improvement   

I know what you mean about wanting to escape.

[Jaguar]

Big Hugs for everyone .....

[zibazinski]

Sept 7, 2018 17:38:05 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

It feels like a never ending battle, doesn't it empress of self-improvement   

I know what you mean about wanting to escape.

Been there myself. With no help either. I wanted to die.

[TheOtherMe]

Zib  I do know that feeling.  It's been a presence in my life since I was 12.  Every day has been a battle.  Every. single. day.

[buystoys]

Sept 8, 2018 12:55:06 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Sept 7, 2018 17:38:05 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

It feels like a never ending battle, doesn't it empress of self-improvement    

I know what you mean about wanting to escape.

Been there myself. With no help either. I wanted to die.

[buystoys]

Sept 8, 2018 17:55:23 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

@zibasinski  I do know that feeling.  It's been a presence in my life since I was 12.  Every day has been a battle.  Every. single. day.

Even if it's only virtual hugs, please know that someone out there in this universe of pixels, someone cares.  All of you on this thread have become meaningful people in my life.  I know that you all understand what I say and what I can't put into words.

[TheOtherMe]

I feel the same way.  We do understand.  There is no one in my real life who understands, except for my therapist and she can't be there for me 24/7

[finnime]

TheOtherMe and zibazinski, I know that feeling too well. I don't trust feeling okay, even, because I know it's temporary. I'm with buystoys: 

[NoNamePerson]

Can I say that I don't literally know how each of you feel but that doesn't keep me from feeling for you if that makes sense. And all I can offer is a great big  Glad that you have a support group here - wish there had been something like this way back in the day for people on the "other side" coping with family members going thru what you are dealing with. Again  and hope I'm not intruding. Just reading and observing but nothing to contribute. 

[Opti]

Sept 8, 2018 17:55:23 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

@zibasinski  I do know that feeling.  It's been a presence in my life since I was 12.  Every day has been a battle.  Every. single. day.

Have you ever adjusted your diet? There are so many causes to depression I don't know if it will help, but I was reminded I need to cut out added sugars. My sugar tolerance dropped after menopause, so I think too much added or refined sugar does mess with my mood.

Just a thought. That's a long time to fight. 

[finnime]

Sept 9, 2018 7:35:19 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

Can I say that I don't literally know how each of you feel but that doesn't keep me from feeling for you if that makes sense. And all I can offer is a great big  Glad that you have a support group here - wish there had been something like this way back in the day for people on the "other side" coping with family members going thru what you are dealing with. Again  and hope I'm not intruding. Just reading and observing but nothing to contribute. 

I hope anyone who loves someone coping with depression can also find something of value in these posts. Depression casts a shadow on family, friends and workplaces, too. It's a difficult and bewildering condition. I can see in my DH how painful it can be to try and support someone who is struggling. He's been very worried. He said to me recently how relieved he was that I am finding my footing better now, because he could see I'd been so lost I couldn't even speak. And I imagine how I'd feel if that was him.

There is hope and help. For some depression only comes in the wake of something definite and shattering: a death or prolonged illness; a job loss; the end of a stage of life; the turmoil of adolescence. And for others of us it comes unbidden with no trigger, and recurs. No matter what, though, if you are in the circle of someone with it - you didn't cause it. And you can help by understanding. We are so much better off than ever as long as treatment is gotten.

[finnime]

Today is a day

for stepping carefully around that hole

that opens to a freefall down

Down, down to another world

where people are gremlins

where poison grows

and nothing is as it shows.

[buystoys]

This is a day I struggle with.  I lost two friends 17 years ago.  I can remember the smell of the smoke as it blew across NJ for days.  I'm not crying today (yet) which is better than most years.  That tells me that my meds are working at least. 

I'm struggling to find ambition to get around and I need to.  I have PT today, so I have to take a shower.  Simple things are just so difficult.

[finnime]

Hugs, buystoys. Remembering your friends is your solemn tribute to them. Thank you for sharing.

Stumbling over small tasks is what we do.

[Waffle]

Although I have not been posting, I have read every post on this thread. I can relate because I went into a grief induced depression after my mother's death (last December). But, I realize it's not the same as the lifelong struggle that most of you are coping with. Which is why I've hesitated to post anything here. But, I am on an anti-depressant and I'm seeing a therapist and right now, I'm very happy - which I think has more to do with a visit from family last weekend than anything else.

Anyhow, I hope and pray that all of you find your way to joy and happiness. And even if I'm not posting, know that you have another virtual friend who cares.  

[TheOtherMe]

buystoys  

[finnime]

Sept 11, 2018 8:30:53 GMT -5 Waffle said:

Although I have not been posting, I have read every post on this thread. I can relate because I went into a grief induced depression after my mother's death (last December). But, I realize it's not the same as the lifelong struggle that most of you are coping with. Which is why I've hesitated to post anything here. But, I am on an anti-depressant and I'm seeing a therapist and right now, I'm very happy - which I think has more to do with a visit from family last weekend than anything else.

Anyhow, I hope and pray that all of you find your way to joy and happiness. And even if I'm not posting, know that you have another virtual friend who cares.  

I'm really glad for you that you're getting help and that the sky is brightening in your world. 

[Opti]

Sept 11, 2018 7:55:48 GMT -5 buystoys said:

This is a day I struggle with.  I lost two friends 17 years ago.  I can remember the smell of the smoke as it blew across NJ for days.  I'm not crying today (yet) which is better than most years.  That tells me that my meds are working at least. 

I'm struggling to find ambition to get around and I need to.  I have PT today, so I have to take a shower.  Simple things are just so difficult.

Ouch. Was this due to one of the wildfires in NJ?

I am struggling with the loss of several people. My Mom passed in January, I never got to see here in a semi-OK state because my POA sib blocked the timing for when I wanted to go and when Lower paid healthcare workers were going to collect and send me. I needed her OK and assistance to go.  She died within 24 hours of hearing my voice when I spoke to the hospice nurse. I did ask for the nurse I think to hold the phone by her. I forget what I said. I was not happy with the service my sibs did. It was very Midwestern and not very celebratory at all, of her life and specialness.

Just recently, my BFF in NJ died two Tuesdays ago. On a day I was supporting a family member in honoring one of our residents who passed. I didn't work until the night, so I was able to go. It was beautiful, but exhausting, and draining because it was hot and my car had no A/C and one working window. This was complicated by the fact I merged in front of a new BMW owner who got unreasonably angry and chased me for over 3 1/2 miles and into two places of business. Luckily I escaped her after the grocery store, as she didn't park near enough me, to catch me going home. I had 15 minutes to change and it took talking to a few people to realize how scared I was and that the chase probably had caused me to lose all power steering fluid in my vehicle. (It did.) (Roughly a $1200 repair, because the car is old.)

Sorry for digressing, but I am having a hard time processing this. I haven't even called my Bff's kids who are around my age. Her celebration will probably resume in October, hopefully in the latter half. I am contemplating trying to do a memorial service for my Mom if its at our shared church, but IDK. I am still at the day at a time stage of sinus infection, hydration, and grief. BFF's departure really hurts because it appeared when she returned from vacation I might have been able to see her for the first time in years since her stroke.

[buystoys]

Opti, Brian and Janet were at work in the WTC buildings when the airplanes hit.  I lived in Union, NJ at the time.  You could smell the smoke for several days.  I've always struggled to find the words to describe this day for me.  I was blessed to only lose friends that day.  My heart is still broken for all those who lost family members in the tragedy.