Battling Depression

[Lizard Queen]

Feeling so crappy today. My life just seems to be full with one obstacle or disappointment after another.

That is all.

[buystoys]

Aug 28, 2018 16:49:21 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

Feeling so crappy today. My life just seems to be full with one obstacle or disappointment after another.

That is all.

[buystoys]

I got a letter from SSDI asking me to call them.  They had a lot of questions about what my jobs were, what I did at them, did I hire/fire personnel, etc.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it means they are approving my SSDI. 

[finnime]

I'll cross my fingers and toes for you, buystoys. I hope it works out for you.

[finnime]

Lizard Queen, wishing for you a smoother day. This is hard.

[azucena]

I've been struggling with motivation at work since my depressive episode in Dec.  Fortunately, meds seem to be keeping the depression at bay, but I just can't seem to concentrate on work tasks at all.  And I used to be able to study intensely for actuarial exams for 8 hours/day so focus has never been an issue.  My work has been been suffering for it.  I just kept thinking it's a lingering symptom of the depression.  My sleep cycle has also been all messed up.  Sometimes sleeping too much (6 to 6) and sometimes staying up until 12 and getting up at 5.  This past week, I started setting a bedtime phone alarm at 9:20 with the goal of being in bed by 9:30.  Luckily, falling asleep isn't a current problem (definitely had insomnia streaks over the past 18 months).  I'm also getting up at 5 on weekdays and 6 on weekends (instead of 7 or 8).  This has totally shifted my productivity back to more normal levels.  I've always been conscious of needing 7-8 hours of sleep.  I didn't realize how much being so inconsistent was affecting me, but it makes perfect sense now.

Have a good day everyone and be graceful to yourself.

[buystoys]

azucena, I know my meds impact my ability to focus.  Like you, I used to be able to stay intent on one task for hours without a problem.  Now I find myself making simple mistakes because I just can't focus well.  Sleep also plays an important part.  I'm glad you found a solution that is working for you!

Sending you hugs that things continue to improve in your life.

[buystoys]

finnime, you should be getting that same letter from SSDI soon.  I think I got the work form one or two weeks before you did.  Keeping my fingers crossed for you!

[azucena]

Aug 29, 2018 7:15:14 GMT -5 buystoys said:

azucena , I know my meds impact my ability to focus.  Like you, I used to be able to stay intent on one task for hours without a problem.  Now I find myself making simple mistakes because I just can't focus well.  Sleep also plays an important part.  I'm glad you found a solution that is working for you!

Sending you hugs that things continue to improve in your life.

Yes, I figured it could be my meds too, but I'm hopeful that a good sleep pattern is the key because I think I'm finally resolved not to go off my meds even now that I'm feeling better.

[TheOtherMe]

Every single time I have gone off my meds, I have regretted it.  Yes, I've had the doctor adjust them, but I hope I have finally learned not to go off them by myself, without telling my doctor.  That is how I have attempted to do it several times and it has been a disaster every single time.

[buystoys]

Going off meds was a big thing when I was in group.  Every single person who had gone off of them had ended up back in group on more meds than they went off of.  I know that not everyone who stops taking meds ends up that way, but with my luck, I would.  So I'm with you TheOtherMe.  I have already promised myself that I won't go off anything without doctor guidance.

[TheOtherMe]

Luckily I have not ended up on more meds when I went off the meds on my own.  I have done it three times.  For some reason, it's a difficult lesson to learn.  

[finnime]

My psychiatrist told me when he diagnosed me over 15 years ago now that I needed to take meds for the rest of my life. I chafed at it then but recognize he was right. In the years prior to seeing him I'd had a number of significant episodes of depression that derailed me, and they became successively worse. I saw then my primary care docs who would prescribe standard SSRIs that helped for a time until they didn't.

I'm really glad I have a psychiatrist as gifted as my doctor is with pharmacotherapy and cognitive therapy. I've had episodes since I started on my 'maintenance' meds, but I know I'd be in much worse condition all the time were it not for the right treatment. When I'm underwater he adds other medications that I don't need to be on indefinitely. At times it strikes me that I take a lot of pills. Right now I'm on a regimen of 4 meds with a 5th as needed for sleep. This is a serious illness, though, and too often it is fatal. Whatever works.

[buystoys]

I feel like I'm on way too many pills right now.  But I also know that it is necessary to keep me at the emotional state I'm currently in.  Hopefully I'll be weaned off some of them in the next few months.  I know I will have to take some of them for life, but hopefully not all of them!

[TheOtherMe]

I have been on these 4 medications for at least 15 years now.  These 4, taken together, keep me stable for the most part.  

Sometimes they make me feel so good that I decide I'm well and no longer need them.  When I stop, I find out I do need them and always will.

[finnime]

TGFD (TG For Drugs)

The formulary for psychotropic medications has grown tenfold in the past twenty years. I'm grateful we are long past the bad old days when what you'd get is condescension and maybe a trip to the mental hospital for an indefinite time.

TheOtherMe, did you titrate down or just stop altogether? Something I've found frustrating is the fairly long time it takes for some meds to be fully effective - weeks, often. Sometimes more than a month, and then you juggle side effects while building up to the best dose for you. It can be several months before you can know that a med is a good one for you.

[TheOtherMe]

All three times, I have stopped cold turkey.  

This last time, I did end up reducing the dosage of the one that is potentially doing the most damage to my body.  

I don't think any of the drugs before the current ones really helped me.  Not even a little.  

[finnime]

How are you doing, Lizard Queen?

[Lizard Queen]

Aug 30, 2018 18:54:54 GMT -5 finnime said:

How are you doing, Lizard Queen?

I'm okay. It's been an up and down week, but Monday was the low. I'm being much more disciplined with my self talk. I had snuck in some bad stuff, and it's amazing how quickly you can hurt yourself with that, when the build up takes so much effort. Still, I haven't been able to bring myself to apply for jobs for a couple weeks now.

[azucena]

Aug 30, 2018 7:34:06 GMT -5 finnime said:

My psychiatrist told me when he diagnosed me over 15 years ago now that I needed to take meds for the rest of my life. I chafed at it then but recognize he was right. In the years prior to seeing him I'd had a number of significant episodes of depression that derailed me, and they became successively worse. I saw then my primary care docs who would prescribe standard SSRIs that helped for a time until they didn't.

I'm really glad I have a psychiatrist as gifted as my doctor is with pharmacotherapy and cognitive therapy. I've had episodes since I started on my 'maintenance' meds, but I know I'd be in much worse condition all the time were it not for the right treatment. When I'm underwater he adds other medications that I don't need to be on indefinitely. At times it strikes me that I take a lot of pills. Right now I'm on a regimen of 4 meds with a 5th as needed for sleep. This is a serious illness, though, and too often it is fatal. Whatever works.

My experience has totally been the bolded; that along with the long lead time it takes to let the drugs start working again is why I should just stay on them indefinitely.  If it's not broken, don't fix it.  hard to wrap my mind around it though.  feels like failing somehow even though I know that's not true.

TMI alert
I am dabbling with re-timing my birth control pills as I realized that I am scheduled to have my period while we are on our cruise in Nov.  Going to skip a week of pills to hopefully delay next month by a week leaving me with October to tweak further if needed.  DH has taken permanent measures so no pregnancy worries, but going off the pill is what triggered my last depression episode.  I told DH that I'm skipping a week so he can help "watch" me.

[buystoys]

How are you doing, empress of self-improvement?  I haven't seen you around for a bit.

[Chocolate Lover]

Aug 31, 2018 10:04:52 GMT -5 azucena said:

Aug 30, 2018 7:34:06 GMT -5 finnime said:

My psychiatrist told me when he diagnosed me over 15 years ago now that I needed to take meds for the rest of my life. I chafed at it then but recognize he was right. In the years prior to seeing him I'd had a number of significant episodes of depression that derailed me, and they became successively worse. I saw then my primary care docs who would prescribe standard SSRIs that helped for a time until they didn't.

I'm really glad I have a psychiatrist as gifted as my doctor is with pharmacotherapy and cognitive therapy. I've had episodes since I started on my 'maintenance' meds, but I know I'd be in much worse condition all the time were it not for the right treatment. When I'm underwater he adds other medications that I don't need to be on indefinitely. At times it strikes me that I take a lot of pills. Right now I'm on a regimen of 4 meds with a 5th as needed for sleep. This is a serious illness, though, and too often it is fatal. Whatever works.

My experience has totally been the bolded; that along with the long lead time it takes to let the drugs start working again is why I should just stay on them indefinitely.  If it's not broken, don't fix it.  hard to wrap my mind around it though.  feels like failing somehow even though I know that's not true.

TMI alert
I am dabbling with re-timing my birth control pills as I realized that I am scheduled to have my period while we are on our cruise in Nov.  Going to skip a week of pills to hopefully delay next month by a week leaving me with October to tweak further if needed.  DH has taken permanent measures so no pregnancy worries, but going off the pill is what triggered my last depression episode.  I told DH that I'm skipping a week so he can help "watch" me.

On the TMI part, my doc lets me skip the reminder pills ALL THE TIME because of the psychotic bitch I become when I have PMS. I've been doing it for years so maybe ask your doc if you can do the same? 

[azucena]

Aug 31, 2018 10:34:45 GMT -5 Chocolate Lover said:

Aug 31, 2018 10:04:52 GMT -5 azucena said:

My experience has totally been the bolded; that along with the long lead time it takes to let the drugs start working again is why I should just stay on them indefinitely.  If it's not broken, don't fix it.  hard to wrap my mind around it though.  feels like failing somehow even though I know that's not true.

TMI alert
I am dabbling with re-timing my birth control pills as I realized that I am scheduled to have my period while we are on our cruise in Nov.  Going to skip a week of pills to hopefully delay next month by a week leaving me with October to tweak further if needed.  DH has taken permanent measures so no pregnancy worries, but going off the pill is what triggered my last depression episode.  I told DH that I'm skipping a week so he can help "watch" me.

On the TMI part, my doc lets me skip the reminder pills ALL THE TIME because of the psychotic bitch I become when I have PMS. I've been doing it for years so maybe ask your doc if you can do the same? 

I did that one other time planning for a different vacation, and I was mega-bitchy until I had another period.  Hoping this way of just delaying it by a week works out better.

[Chocolate Lover]

Aug 31, 2018 10:39:06 GMT -5 azucena said:

Aug 31, 2018 10:34:45 GMT -5 Chocolate Lover said:

On the TMI part, my doc lets me skip the reminder pills ALL THE TIME because of the psychotic bitch I become when I have PMS. I've been doing it for years so maybe ask your doc if you can do the same? 

I did that one other time planning for a different vacation, and I was mega-bitchy until I had another period.  Hoping this way of just delaying it by a week works out better.

Well dang, it was worth a shot. Hope the week goes smoothly for you 

[finnime]

Aug 31, 2018 9:53:08 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

Aug 30, 2018 18:54:54 GMT -5 finnime said:

How are you doing, Lizard Queen ?

I'm okay. It's been an up and down week, but Monday was the low. I'm being much more disciplined with my self talk. I had snuck in some bad stuff, and it's amazing how quickly you can hurt yourself with that, when the build up takes so much effort. Still, I haven't been able to bring myself to apply for jobs for a couple weeks now.

I get cycles, too. Worse days and much worse days and then surprisingly better days. Letting myslef off the hook is something I'm still learning to do.

You'll apply for jobs when you can. In the meantime, be good to yourself.

[finnime]

I'd think your plan for birth control pills would work, azucena. I did something similar back in the days when I needed BC and adjusted my cycle easily.

I'm getting settled into being back home now. To-dos have piled up but I don't feel as bleak as I had before vacation. My doctor, DH and DSis were right; I needed that. The summer is staggering to a close which should also help me. I missed the last days of over 100 degree weather here while I was in Maine. The sun is not quite so blaring. And I think this new medication is also really kicking in now. It's been a long time but I feel some small hope. Thoughts of ending everything are not pushing through. I haven't cried in over a week. And the visions I'd been having, seeing dead and eviscerated animals and bodies instead of the pile of clothing or log actually there, are mostly gone now. I actually read a complete news article yesterday!

[finnime]

I wonder how much mental debility in the U.S. now is due to our current political climate and executive administration. My shrink has said that most of his patients in the past almost 2 years now report anxiety and depression from news that they had never felt before. While I was on vacation I had no access to television and only very limited internet access, enough to keep in touch but not to read e-papers. It was clearly helpful to not be engaged at all.

Re-immersion in the news, even carefully, is bad. No avoiding it indefinitely. It strongly affects the area I live in plus is a constant interruption in the media. The world seems to be bristling with chaos. Plus, I have a strong aversion to bullies. My X bullied me. I don't think I'll ever be insensitive to bullying.

[buystoys]

That's a good question finnime.  DH is a news hound and watches about every channel equally throughout the day.  I'm a more focused TV fan.  I only watch it when I have something recorded I want to see or something to stream that's interesting.  I can't sit in front of the TV and just surf.  When DH is watching, I just tune it out and read a book or play games on my tablet.  If it's something I can't tune out, I go to the kitchen and color.  I tune everything and everyone out when I do that. 

[TheOtherMe]

My therapist says she hears about the current political client at least daily.  She pretty much hears about it from me, given that my nephew is not speaking to his mother and father because of their political differences.  

[finnime]

This! This is the thing that makes life impossible with depression.

The Impossible Task: The Impossible Task