azucena
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Post by azucena on Aug 21, 2022 20:50:38 GMT -5
I warned DD10 earlier today that we were going to have to be extra patient with DD14 tonight and tomorrow as her anxiety will be kicking in for first day of hs. Tonight she asked me for 15 mins before bedtime to show DD14 her worry box from therapy and to help her make her own from an empty tissue box. I can hear them in DD10s room chatting away with the EMDR music in the background. So, so blessed that they look out for each other.
Beginning to think I need to reframe DD10s school anxiety. Was thinking she may be something of an empath after some reading I did today. Lots of pieces clicked with me about her feelings.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Aug 21, 2022 20:52:05 GMT -5
DD10's anxiety has increased like I knew it would with the start of school. She's unreasonably worried about not knowing new teacher's rules and getting in trouble. We've said we kinda expect her to get in trouble for talking or something minor to try to lessen the worry. She's also caught up in managing all the girls getting along. We keep messaging that she should spend her time with girls that make her feel good and not worried. Weekly therapy for a while yet. Therapist suggested 'bilateral music' which I've read is linked to EMDR. I've been playing it in the background as we read for an hour before bed. I don't know about her but it mellows me out in a good way. Reading online that sometimes it can cause a release of feelings. Hoping the joint reading helps too. If nothing else, she's carving out time with me. Currently Farmer Boy of Little House series. How is everyone else? I have never heard about bilateral music but just did a quick search. azucena, do you listen with headphones on so that the music can go back and forth between left and right or just on the speaker? At bedtime, it's just been on a speaker. I've had it my headphones a bit while I work.
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anciana
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Post by anciana on Aug 22, 2022 14:55:58 GMT -5
I have never heard about bilateral music but just did a quick search. azucena , do you listen with headphones on so that the music can go back and forth between left and right or just on the speaker? At bedtime, it's just been on a speaker. I've had it my headphones a bit while I work. Thank you, azucena, I will look for that music to try as a gap stop as EMDR has been recommended to us
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Aug 23, 2022 5:18:48 GMT -5
I hope your children have a smooth start to their school year, and find strength in themselves to handle whatever arises.
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anciana
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Post by anciana on Aug 23, 2022 13:54:13 GMT -5
Meant to respond to this earlier. Our family therapist asked if we had any outlets, anyone outside to talk to. I mentioned my internet community here, how I come and ask for advice and get ideas but she said that I'm using it as a resource for issues we're dealing with, but not for me as someone to talk to. I know I have isolated myself, more so over the last few years. In the early days of pandemic I reached out to family, friends and acquaintances to check up on them, and kept it up for a while as we were all social distancing in those days. In time all that dwindled down, more and more people were falling off that list, and I just haven't picked up where we left off. And once our family got into a difficult situation, I just shut down even more. I haven't been able to say anything to friends or even family, and now that some time has passed, it's even harder. There a few bright spots here and there, but mostly I'm keeping it all in, and it's getting harder and harder. I don't feel like I can afford to stop that but I know I can't keep going like this either. Feeling a bit tired, broken down, scared
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Aug 23, 2022 14:24:38 GMT -5
anciana, we are here any time you want to talk.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Aug 23, 2022 14:34:22 GMT -5
Anciana - sounds like you're carrying a lot. I can be a listening ear here via IM if you need to unload some of your burden. No judgment.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Aug 23, 2022 19:16:20 GMT -5
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Aug 24, 2022 0:00:57 GMT -5
Feel free to unload here. Anytime. This group can be a great comfort during difficult times.
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anciana
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Post by anciana on Aug 24, 2022 9:47:10 GMT -5
Thank you, all, I really appreciate it! The amount of relief after just typing the above was bemusing, and it took me two weeks of thinking about it to actually write it out. I don't know if I'll be able to break down the walls of anonymity that this board affords me to talk about more, but it felt good to even just start
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Aug 24, 2022 9:59:53 GMT -5
When my dad was dying and there was so much drama, I started a thread in this section about it. It was mostly for me to have a place to get it out. I also got some good advice.
I am not suggesting you start your own thread, but my situation didn't fit in to any other thread
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Aug 25, 2022 6:35:31 GMT -5
One of the very painful aspects of depression and other mental health diagnoses is how isolating it is. Not just for the person experiencing it, but also for their family. The stigma in itself causes such damage. anciana and anyone else who is carrying the huge burden of isolation and feeling you cannot speak of it, many of us have been there or are there still. We understand.
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anciana
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Post by anciana on Aug 25, 2022 9:45:39 GMT -5
finnime, thank you for sharing, that was so raw. *hugs* (random stream of consciousness) I appreciate that you have been to the circus and have seen the elephants so you understand. Any idea what can one do with the damn flying monkeys that seem to show up out of nowhere and wreak unimaginable havoc, that's what I'm going to need to figure out. And when everything seems like it's OK but then it's revealed it was not, all along. And when you don't feel like you're enough, or anything you can do and are doing, even though you feel/think that you should be? Not sure if it's worse to feel so helpless, when it's out of your hands, or that crushing guilt that you should be able to do something about it because, as a mother, you need to know and be able to fight all the demons and dragons.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Aug 25, 2022 9:55:29 GMT -5
What I learned with a lot of pain is that I had to be and do two roles: manager of the conditions attendant on my DD, including treatment and safety and alternate schooling (she actually went to college instead of high school; she is extremely bright), plus a mother, in charge of only what a mother can do. That does not include changing her child or "making" her do or be anything in particular.
I had to let myself off the hook for so much for which I felt responsible. I wasn't. It was overwhelming, yes, and I fought hard for her and for DS, too. It helped to have a plan of action in the face of some very critical matters, when talking with school officials, doctors, social workers and neighbors, family members. And then let the rest roll off.
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anciana
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Post by anciana on Aug 25, 2022 10:16:54 GMT -5
Thank you, finnime, I still need to figure out what I can/should do as it's hard to think while in the middle of it. Every time a crisis happens, it just seems like what I've been doing so far must not be working, so I feel like I need to change it once again, but then don't know what to, or how, there are no straightforward paths, and then the worries that what you've done or didn't do is all wrong, doubt, second guessing...
I appreciate any and all ideas, anything anyone has to add, and am extremely grateful to you for sharing what your journey was like
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Aug 26, 2022 10:51:54 GMT -5
anciana, crises are going to happen no matter what you do or don't do. Myself, I take comfort in having ready action plans for when it hits the fan. But when things are chaotic, just hanging in there takes priority. I have numbers for help, but in the end, it's up to me. Some of my instincts are problematic. I don't call for help when I should, for example. I didn't call an ambulance for DD when I definitely should have, but got her to the hospital myself. It made no sense and was very dangerous. azucena, TheOtherMe or busymom may have more helpful ideas.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Aug 26, 2022 11:36:29 GMT -5
When you're in the middle of a crisis, I'm ALWAYS asking myself if I should be handling something differently, what could I be doing better, etc. It's just the nature of the beast. And, it may be a sign of being a perfectionist, of which me & my DD are totally guilty of. First, forgive yourself for not being "perfect", whatever that is. You're doing the best you can. And sometimes, taking "one day at a time" is too much. Take one hour at a time. If that doesn't work, take one minute, or moment at a time. We're all annoyingly human. Avoid the critics. You're doing the best you can, in your particular situation. I give myself a treat when I get through something rough. It may be a little something, like something sweet from a favorite bakery, or if I've been dealing with a lot, I buy something bigger, like a new purse. Do whatever works for you. Most of all, be kind to yourself. I think we're all our own worst critics.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Aug 26, 2022 12:38:07 GMT -5
Ancient- for me, it's been important to realize that asking for help is not weak. Instead it makes me stronger.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Aug 26, 2022 12:42:35 GMT -5
We are our own worst critics. Once reason I have cats, is that I at least have to get up to take care of them--no matter what.
When I was suicidal, that saved me more than once, just like the thought that I would take them with me if I started the car in the attached garage.
At one very low point when I was in grad school, I was afraid of what I would do to myself, I spent the weekend in bed because I was so afraid. Monday morning I called the student health center and that is when my journey towards some kind of life began.
I have only called for help once and that was the last time I quit taking the meds.
ETA: I have lived one day at a time, one hour at a time, five minutes at a time and one minute at a time. It can get that bad.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Aug 31, 2022 8:17:45 GMT -5
Anxiety is out of control at my house right now. For the girls, it's the start of school.
DD14 is doing well but I didn't realize how nervous she is the entire 8 hours. A couple of club meetings this week should help her find more of her people.
DD10 is just a mess. Realizing that part of it is just how much more mature she is than the other 10 yos. She doesn't understand why they can't just sit still and listen and not cause any trouble. Seems like her teacher is going overboard being strict trying to keep the class under control. When I explained that boys farting gets them attention, she looked at me like I have two heads. She'd be mortified at that kind of attn. Meanwhile, she's trying to keep all the girls happy with her and even not bickering amongst each other. That's a thankless job. She has one friend who is struggling in math and crying every day. The teacher asks DD10 to help this girl. DD10 is a good teacher, but you know what, that's not her job. Plus, this girl is so upset that no amount of teaching is going to help. Meanwhile DD10 doesn't want this friend to have any hw...figured out last night that she thinks the parents don't have time to help her. They are divorced but each seem super involved. I said, what if you didn't help her and she actually had hw to go home for her parents to see that she's struggling and they could help her thru her emotions. DD10 is sure that if she backs off of helping that this girl will hate it or even tattle. I said let her tattle, as long as you respectfully say no, that's an okay choice. DD10 countered that other classmates will 'help' by just giving her the answer. Ok, again, not your problem.
I'm exhausted. My own anxiety is crazy high bc of work stuff and DH constantly gaming again. I need to take a lesson from DD10 and just focus on myself at work. But, man, the crazy is overflowing right now and it keeps pouring over onto my plate. I need to step back and let the shit hit the fan for a few folks. The other part of my overwhelm is that we've added 5 new software programs since the beg of the year - tracking all of our client calls, emails, pricing process, etc. The amount of change is maddening esp when there is very little payoff.
Just have to make it until noon on Fri for a long weekend at one of my very fav spots and hours of fishing and outdoor time with my family.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Aug 31, 2022 10:56:40 GMT -5
I was a lot like DD10 azucena I could not understand, even in kindergarten, why the other kids couldn't sit still and do what the teacher wanted instead of disrupting everything. I now think some of those kids had ADD, etc. but it wasn't recognized then. I didn't try to keep my friends from bickering--probably because outside of school I saw my cousins more than school friends. They were strictly school friends unless they lived on our street. I was also assigned to help other students. I thought as a 2nd grader "why am I doing this. Why am I sitting in the cloak room with this kid who doesn't want to learn?" Give her from her penpal.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Aug 31, 2022 11:03:51 GMT -5
She's a lot like me, so I relate. But I also couldn't give two shits about other people's behavior and friendships. I've confirmed this my mom, so it's just wishful thinking. I was hung up in competition with myself. When I got tired of the girl drama, I played sports with the boys. I could tune out their crap easier.
Plus it's similar to DD14's path only her anxiety didn't ramp up until 5th grade whereas DD10 started in 3rd and is in now in 4th.
Forgot to mention that we went to her therapy yesterday. She was able to unload a lot. Therapist suggested tactile items to help ground her. No wonder DD10 is buying all the squishmallows. We went to target and got two scrunchie packs - one soft like fur and one more velvety. We figure she can slip those under the radar at school.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Aug 31, 2022 11:11:30 GMT -5
Your cup runneth over, azucena. Maybe yoga would benefit everyone? Something to expiate the stress. Thinking of you.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Aug 31, 2022 11:14:13 GMT -5
Yoga is not a bad idea except I can't get past this cold. Work all day and then curling up in bed to watch tv or read. At least this week, daytime cold meds are helping, and I'm sleeping well without meds which is good bc the nighttime stuff messes me up.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 31, 2022 12:16:29 GMT -5
Those ages are so hard, especially for girls I think. I have no idea if boys go through the level of drama that girls go through during that time period with each other. I never got it either but I sure experienced my fair share of it and the desire to be liked. I lost my elementary school friends at that age because middle school is when all the elementary schools merge. Now there was a bigger pond and they were looking to be big fish, I was a liability.
I remember trying REALLY hard to be liked. It was one day when I had twisted myself into a pretzel and given up something that everyone mocked me for but made me really happy that it dawned on me what bullshit it was. Not a single person who mocked me noticed I had changed the behavior. They found something else to mock and exclude me over. That was when I realized that I was NEVER going to will or force my way into being liked. If I fit in I would already be part of that group. If they didn't want me to be there would always be a reason I wouldn't be. It wasn't my job to police their crap or try to turn myself into something I was not for their sake.
That's when I started figuring out who I am which eventually lead to me finding my tribe.
And I am going to go ahead and admit that I know A LOT of adults who never evolved past that point in their lives so I call bull shit on the platitude that people grow out of it.
It's as an adult I now have the life experience and perspective to deal with people like Peacock.
Also you recognize as an adult how pathetic those people are that they still cling to their status as a Mean Girl. So much of life happens after mandatory schooling it is sad that that is where you choose to remain mentally.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Aug 31, 2022 18:10:06 GMT -5
Mean Girl and the Cool People. I'm still a nerd and will always be a Nerd. I am now a proud Nerd but I wasn't proud in junior high or high school. It only took until I was about 65 to be a proud Nerd.
When we did the girls' lunches with high school friends, it started off with the organizer saying all that high school crap was behind us and to forget cliques and all that stuff. It worked until it didn't. That's why I didn't go to the 50th Class reunion. None of my friends from that time have any interest because of the way we were treated. The two reunions I did attend, it was still the cliques hanging out and us on the outside looking in.
I'm done with that.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Sept 6, 2022 8:51:59 GMT -5
Mean Girl and the Cool People. I'm still a nerd and will always be a Nerd. I am now a proud Nerd but I wasn't proud in junior high or high school. It only took until I was about 65 to be a proud Nerd. When we did the girls' lunches with high school friends, it started off with the organizer saying all that high school crap was behind us and to forget cliques and all that stuff. It worked until it didn't. That's why I didn't go to the 50th Class reunion. None of my friends from that time have any interest because of the way we were treated. The two reunions I did attend, it was still the cliques hanging out and us on the outside looking in. I'm done with that. My HS reunions are so cliquey still that only the popular kids get invited. They organize it and invite themselves, they don't make any attempt to find others from our class of 250. I graduated 20 years ago this May and haven't been to a single one of them. Don't care, those I want to keep in touch with I already do and most moved away as soon as HS was over. I don't want to hang out with a bunch of people who wouldn't acknowledge my existence 20 years ago and pretend we all had such a wonderful time together. Fuck you people. I HAD to deal with you by law 20 years ago, I don't have to have anything to do with you now.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Sept 6, 2022 9:10:54 GMT -5
The high school alumni association says it's the largest alumni association in the country. They do a good job of keeping track of people like address, deceased, no contact, etc. I wasn't living in Iowa when the committee was chosen for our class, but they were all in the clique except for one. He quit way back in the dark ages. I wondered how he got on the committee but I'm sure they didn't really include him. I was so ticked off at the 5th reunion (I didn't attend) because all of the events were for little kids that I listed my cats as my kids for the "directory" they printed. One of my friends did go and she said that caused quite a stir because I had 3 cats at the time. I was listed as 3 children and I had written in no husband.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Sept 6, 2022 9:38:22 GMT -5
I moved right across the street and hyphenated my last name. I couldn't make it easier to find me if I tried. Which is why I don't go, clearly they aren't interested in finding anyone who isn't a part of their group.
I had so many more life experiences after HS. I am not interested in going backwards and reliving my "glory days".
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Sept 6, 2022 11:21:53 GMT -5
Mean Girl and the Cool People. I'm still a nerd and will always be a Nerd. I am now a proud Nerd but I wasn't proud in junior high or high school. It only took until I was about 65 to be a proud Nerd. When we did the girls' lunches with high school friends, it started off with the organizer saying all that high school crap was behind us and to forget cliques and all that stuff. It worked until it didn't. That's why I didn't go to the 50th Class reunion. None of my friends from that time have any interest because of the way we were treated. The two reunions I did attend, it was still the cliques hanging out and us on the outside looking in. I'm done with that. My HS reunions are so cliquey still that only the popular kids get invited. They organize it and invite themselves, they don't make any attempt to find others from our class of 250. I graduated 20 years ago this May and haven't been to a single one of them. Don't care, those I want to keep in touch with I already do and most moved away as soon as HS was over. I don't want to hang out with a bunch of people who wouldn't acknowledge my existence 20 years ago and pretend we all had such a wonderful time together. Fuck you people. I HAD to deal with you by law 20 years ago, I don't have to have anything to do with you now. seriously? that's so sad. I've been on reunion committees, I busted my butt to track down everyone. out of a class of 200, i was only unable to find 2.
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