Battling Depression

[Chocolate Lover]

Your DS's car won't make the trip? Ex SIL also gets no vote. It might be nice for her, but you aren't required to make things nice for her.

[Deleted]

Well, it would make more sense for him to ride with ex-SIL than drive himself.   We're only a couple miles off the interstate they'll be driving by on and DS just had his wisdom teeth pulled yesterday and is still not eating or feeling great...plus freezing rain and snow is in the forecast for tomorrow, so I'd feel better if he was a passenger.  

[Chocolate Lover]

Also, the fact that it makes you feel more pressure rather than relieved that someone is offering a ride, seems to add to the stay home side of the argument.

I know, most of us like to have our own way out so we can be in charge of when we leave stuff like this, but that's not how you sound in your post. It's more of a "I'll be stuck" vibe I'm getting. 

ETA: Well, then, by all means take them up on the offer to pick HIM up.

[finnime]

 what Chocolate Lover said.

What would be nice for ex-SIL is not relevant to you making a decision that you need a little time to yourself, and taking that time. Son should go with them, sure.

[Deleted]

Ex-SIL has been my "sister" for 27 years.  She was the maid of honor at BOTH my weddings and is one of my best friends (excluding online ones!)  I don't see her much anymore...just a handful of times a year...so I truly want to go and catch up as much as I want to stay home and veg.  

[TheOtherMe]

See how you feel in the morning or flip a coin.

[busymom]

I vote "no" to letting them borrow a vehicle.  JMHO.  

[CCL]

Dec 27, 2019 21:33:53 GMT -5 busymom said:

I vote "no" to letting them borrow a vehicle.  JMHO.  

Especially if there is snow on the way. You don't need for anything to happen to your car.

[Deleted]

The borrowing the van would just be if I went along. It would be uncomfortably packed with 3 large men and her and I in their car.

Of course now it's almost midnight and I'm stressing about which van to take. The old one with the leaky PS pump, check engine light and sliding door that doesn't close tight but has snow tires and a full tank of gas or the newer one with no issues that gets stuck if you show it a picture of snow and the fuel light is on! 😂 Either one needs to be cleaned out. Stupid things like this stress me out these days.

[NoNamePerson]

Dec 27, 2019 21:33:53 GMT -5 busymom said:

I vote "no" to letting them borrow a vehicle.  JMHO.  

$87,000 later has taught me to never even let someone back my vehicle out of a parking space.

[Works4me]

$87K???
WTF did they hit?

[finnime]

Dec 27, 2019 19:47:14 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Ex-SIL has been my "sister" for 27 years.  She was the maid of honor at BOTH my weddings and is one of my best friends (excluding online ones!)  I don't see her much anymore...just a handful of times a year...so I truly want to go and catch up as much as I want to stay home and veg.  

In that case, going is something that adds to your life. If the weather forecast is definitely storm, take the more rugged vehicle. Otherwise go with the nicer one. Have a good time, too, with your friend. It'll be good.

[NoNamePerson]

Dec 28, 2019 8:07:08 GMT -5 Works4me said:

$87K
WTF did they hit?

I won't go into all the details since this isn't the proper thread and it was in 1982 (two days after my divorce LOL) Driver and passenger both in hospital for extended time, car totaled, and to top it all it happened during a funeral procession. I learned then that insurance follows the vehicle not the driver. But like I said no one gets behind the wheel of my car period ever!!

[buystoys]

MPL, whichever choice you make, I'm crossing my fingers that you enjoy yourself.  It's difficult to let go of those mixed feelings once you've decided on a path.  So, let them go and enjoy the choice you made! 

[Deleted]

Well, probably should have stayed home, but it was ok.  Took the old van and BIL insisted on driving which was annoying as hell for me as I expected.  I drank too much and don't usually drink at all, so it triggered a migraine and I felt like crap after I got home.  SIL has a drinking problem and got really tanked because she's upset about her son that kind of ghosted her a few months ago and won't let her (or apparently anyone else in the family) see her 18 month old granddaughter now, so that was kind of a black cloud over everyone's day.    But, the food was good and the wine was better and my nephew and I always have a good time together.  So much so that at one point SIL suggested we maybe get together...which brought on a lot of "OMG!!  NO!!!" from everyone, including us.  LOL  We might not really be related, but I've been his "Aunt MPL" since he was 7 years old!  

All in all, it was pretty neutral.     

[buystoys]

I'm happy to hear it went better than it could have.  Sometimes that's a win. 

[countrygirl2]

Your life is so busy MPL I don't know how you do it.  All that would drive me crazy, I have to have down and alone time.

I'm not sure your age 40 ish? Can't remember but hormones or thyroid could be playing havoc.  When I get out of balance it really gets to me mentally.  I too get so tired 48 years of taking care of someone.  Some days I want her to just go, then others I feel so sorry for her so it continues.  I have no life, but it is what it is.  And now I'm seeing one of my best friends in high school in a locked dementia unit with alzs and MS and hubs has a friend there in poor condition.  Has sure made us appreciate life more. So far we are still sane, I think.

I think you are tired, 2 ex's? That would be exhausting, your son almost ready to head for college, dealing with your other ex's issues?  And your huge family, plus animals, plus working. Or a flooding issue, its always something.  You need to slow down a bit, destress, you are running to something constantly.  More then anything you are likely just exhausted.

Have you checked with your doc for something for anxiety, mine offered me something and I said no.  But if it got or gets to bad I will take it.  Hope you feel better. Quit running to everything for awhile, come home and rest, just rest. Explain to the kids you need rest. I think it will do you wonders.

[finnime]

January is usually a good month for me but this year I came down with a virus that turned into pneumonia just before Christmas. Viruses generally bring me down mood-wise, and this is no exception. It's hard not to ruminate and worry about things I have no control of.

Hope you all are enjoying an upbeat New Year so far.

[TheOtherMe]

Saw my therapist for the first time since dad died.

Let's just say I've never gone through so much kleenex during a session, but I needed to shed the tears.

I shed them at home alone and I was getting feedback and empathy today.

[Deleted]

I hope it helped TheOtherMe.

Late last night I was digging through old pictures because DS needs a baby shot by Friday for the yearbook.  I found myself bawling my eyes out.  Not so much over my little baby all growed up, but looking at pictures of ME back then.  I had all this nice shiny long hair and beautiful eyes with 20/20 vision, plus I was about 45 pounds lighter.  Now I don't even let people photograph me if I can help it.  I only have a handful of pics with my kids in the past 5 years.  Something hormonally went all haywire with me about 6 or 7 years ago and I'm really struggling with accepting how I am now. 

[bean29]

Dec 27, 2019 16:56:31 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Well, now I'm feeling more under pressure.  Apparently Ex 1.0 has no room in his car for our son.    So, I got a call from ex-SIL that they can stop by on their way and pick him up, but "it would be so awesome if I could go and we could all ride together".

(btw, us all riding together means me giving up my van as the transport vehicle and her husband driving)

You know, I have a facebook friend (She was a year ahead of me in school. Older sister of one of my best friends. She also was neighbor to my Brother and SIL so their kids are friends) that is very chubby, but always smiling. She posts new pictures to FB all the time, and I always enjoy seeing them. I really think a lot of us just obsess too much about how much we weigh. I honestly don't look at her pics and think how fat she looks - I always think she looks good and or she looks happy. Just take enjoy yourself and let people take pictures.

Also 45 lbs does not sound like a lot to me, but what do I know. In HS I weighed 125-135. When I met DH I weighed between 117-125. I know weigh about 140, I could lose 5-10 lbs, but I do exercise, and only feel I need to lose weight if I have to put on a dress for a wedding - which we have two coming up...so I am thinking about weight loss too. I just ate 4 spritz cookies though lol, so it hasn't gone beyond a thought.  ETA, I am only 5'2" so 140 puts me on the overweight side. Sometimes they tell me I am borderline Obese - but we had this convo here recently.

[finnime]

Jan 8, 2020 14:31:57 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

I hope it helped TheOtherMe .

Late last night I was digging through old pictures because DS needs a baby shot by Friday for the yearbook.  I found myself bawling my eyes out.  Not so much over my little baby all growed up, but looking at pictures of ME back then.  I had all this nice shiny long hair and beautiful eyes with 20/20 vision, plus I was about 45 pounds lighter.  Now I don't even let people photograph me if I can help it.  I only have a handful of pics with my kids in the past 5 years.  Something hormonally went all haywire with me about 6 or 7 years ago and I'm really struggling with accepting how I am now. 

Give yourself a break. You've been astoundingly busy for the past 7+ years. Your kids know you look awesome. What else matters really?

[Chocolate Lover]

I hate how I look in pictures too, but I still smile for them because I figure my kids would like pictures of me when I'm gone.

[Deleted]

It's not my weight so much.  It's mostly my hair.  I lost over half of it in the course of a few months and what is left is very fine and frizzy and doesn't grow and I always look just grubby and unkempt because of it even though I shower and wash it every day...sometimes twice a day.   The last time I was to a salon...like a year ago because it sucks so much to go...the woman there said I should just shave my head and get a wig. 

[TheOtherMe]

Jan 8, 2020 14:31:57 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

I hope it helped TheOtherMe .

It helped because she told me it was okay to cry.  

I know that in my head, but I need the person I have entrusted my emotional well being to tell me that.

[buystoys]

finnime, I hope you are feeling not quite so down.  And I hope you're feeling better from the pneumonia!  That's not fun to have at all!  Have you heard anything about your disability claim?

TheOtherMe, I get the crying in the office.  You obviously needed to do it and you had a safe place to let it all go.  I'm glad you are feeling better.

minnesotapaintlady, I'm so sorry about your hair.  Maybe if you do shave it it will come back thicker?  You have my sympathy for having such a difficult time.

I'm struggling to keep it together so far this year.  I quit smoking and that's a struggle.  I'm trying to go to the gym three times a week and looking for a tai chi class to take one day a week.  It's been cold and damp so my fibromyalgia has been kicking it up and not being very nice.  Most days I just want to sleep all day, but I do force myself out of bed.  I know if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, then soon I'll be feeling better again.

[TheOtherMe]

There was some car crying in the parking garage after the appointment. I reached in my purse for a Kleenex and grabbed a napkin that told me which color of dot in dad’s hearing aids went in which ear.

[saveinla]

Jan 8, 2020 15:43:48 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

It's not my weight so much.  It's mostly my hair.  I lost over half of it in the course of a few months and what is left is very fine and frizzy and doesn't grow and I always look just grubby and unkempt because of it even though I shower and wash it every day...sometimes twice a day.   The last time I was to a salon...like a year ago because it sucks so much to go...the woman there said I should just shave my head and get a wig. 

I just went to a dermatologist for the hair loss problem, since my family has a history of lots of hair and I have not had any issues so far. The doctor said I most probably had a case of "relogen effluvium". He said when you are under a lot of stress for a long period of time, your hair follicles go into  a resting phase and they fall out. He gave me some lotions and a shampoo to try, but the diagnosis was to reduce stress.

[Deleted]

I was told the same thing by the dermatologist.  He said it would come back in 6 months.  That was 5 and a half years ago now.

[azucena]

MPL - just because the six month timeline didn't happen doesn't mean it's over. From my view, and I mean this kindly, it doesn't seem like you have reduced the stress.  Take just here recently when your job was closed - that had to be beyond stressful as the sole earner.  And completely nothing you could do about it.  Before that it was helping DS1 get into college.

I could have posted almost exactly what your post about weight gain.  I had a boss say "remember the freshman 15?  well, I've gained them every time I had a major promotion."  That was like a lightbulb for me.  Freshman 15 is part stress, new environment, and just being busier than normal where you eat where and what you can easily get.  I think it's also part metabolism shift since your body is going from late teens, eat to grow to early 20s eat to live.  Um, hello, my actuarial exams were stressful (and extremely sedentary), then I got promoted 3 times - the last time like being thrown to the lions.  Add in moving from late 30s to early 40s and keeping up with kids (mentally, emotionally, and physically) and hello 15+15+15 = 45 lbs overweight.  My situation hasn't changed at all and there's no end in sight, so losing the weight is a huge uphill battle. 

I've decided that I can't keep waiting for things to slow down to find myself back again.  My new self because it's entirely unrealistic to find my 20 yo pre-kid body.  I'm focused on reinventing a healthier 41 yo me.  I've been seeing a personal trainer twice a week since mid-Nov.  Sneaking in exercise when I can with walks, when I'm coaching bball. Trying to watch what I eat even when it ends up fast food between here and there - McDs egg mcmuffin and water for dinner instead of burger/fries.  Last night we hit noodles and company and I had a small order with lots of veggies.  Packing lunch instead of buying it.  I'd gotten lazy since my last raise means I can easily afford it and the kids are in growing phases so they don't leave leftovers, or we eat out so nothing left.  I've picked up some canned soup, tuna, etc that is shelf stable to live at my desk for those days.  Guarding my sleep for the full 8 hours that I need to function best - I'd been letting my tv/reading/me time increase 1-3 hours past bedtime - no Bueno.  Seeing my therapist thru these winter months as a checkin point rather than waiting until if/when I need her.  Hope it doesn't sound like I'm preaching and I'm not perfect - reiterating it as much for myself as other women here.

MPL - you put in physical work on the farm, so it seems like watching what you eat could go a long way.  Plus adding in something you enjoy (for me it's reading) to combat stress since you seem to be stuck without a way to really reduce it.  Seeing a therapist could help even though it may feel like one more to do.  I've found the benefit of carving out that time far outweighs having to shove it in my crazy schedule.  Keep venting here - hopefully it helps to find out you're not alone.  I've finally found 2 close friends who are willing to be transparent about how hard it is to be a parent and how it is to make a marriage work.  I benefit greatly from the same dynamic here at WIR.