Battling Depression

[TheOtherMe]

Quality appointment with therapist today.

After the next appointment, we are going to every 3 weeks because I am struggling so much.  She agrees that I never grieved for mom and am now grieving the loss of each of my parents.

[finnime]

That's good, TheOtherMe; that will help. Good therapy is key to managing this stuff. You've been through a real ordeal with your father. Time and energy spent thoughtfully mourning can only help.

[azucena]

Jan 22, 2020 13:28:27 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Quality appointment with therapist today.

After the next appointment, we are going to every 3 weeks because I am struggling so much.  She agrees that I never grieved for mom and am now grieving the loss of each of my parents.

Fwiw, every 3 weeks seems too spaced out. Can you go every week for a while?

[TheOtherMe]

No, I can't go weekly.  They have too many patients and not enough providers.  

[buystoys]

That's sad to hear.  I agree that more frequently would probably be helpful.  Hugs to you TheOtherMe!

[buystoys]

I had pretty much cut off all relations with my family until recently.  In October, mom was diagnosed with small cell carcinoma.  As nervous as I was, I felt I needed to try to patch things up.  All of us agreed without agreeing that we weren't going to talk about the time I didn't interact with them.  It was approximately two years and a lot happened, on all sides, in that time.

Mom and dad couldn't afford an apartment any longer, so moved in with my sister and BIL.  The way the house is set up, mom and dad have a large private living room, bathroom, and bedroom with storage closets.  It's about as much space as you'd see in a one bedroom apartment minus a kitchen. Because mom was undergoing chemo and radiation therapy, we all split up days to help them out and "babysit" them.  My day is Tuesday. 

I've been suggesting to mom that she seek therapy for a long time now.  Since her diagnosis, her anger has gotten almost out of control.  I get it, but I'm not qualified to help her release it.  I think she's seriously considering going to someone my therapist recommended.  I hope so because things just get so ugly at times.

This has been hard to do with my own issues and PTSD events in October and December.  I've had some break through crying jags, but nothing horribly severe.  It's just been more a feeling of *meh* all the time.  DH is not happy as he feels I'm being taken advantage of and no one is looking out for my best interests.  I disagree, but know he will never see it my way.  He's got his own reasons for holding grudges and he doesn't forgive them.

I don't know why I wrote all this out.  Maybe just to share.  I wish I could be a little more positive these days, but know I should be happy with *meh*.  It's better than being down.

[CCL]

 buystoys
That sounds like a stressful situation for you. Hopefully things will improve soon.

[finnime]

Jan 22, 2020 19:18:41 GMT -5 buystoys said:

I had pretty much cut off all relations with my family until recently.  In October, mom was diagnosed with small cell carcinoma.  As nervous as I was, I felt I needed to try to patch things up.  All of us agreed without agreeing that we weren't going to talk about the time I didn't interact with them.  It was approximately two years and a lot happened, on all sides, in that time.

Mom and dad couldn't afford an apartment any longer, so moved in with my sister and BIL.  The way the house is set up, mom and dad have a large private living room, bathroom, and bedroom with storage closets.  It's about as much space as you'd see in a one bedroom apartment minus a kitchen. Because mom was undergoing chemo and radiation therapy, we all split up days to help them out and "babysit" them.  My day is Tuesday. 

I've been suggesting to mom that she seek therapy for a long time now.  Since her diagnosis, her anger has gotten almost out of control.  I get it, but I'm not qualified to help her release it.  I think she's seriously considering going to someone my therapist recommended.  I hope so because things just get so ugly at times.

This has been hard to do with my own issues and PTSD events in October and December.  I've had some break through crying jags, but nothing horribly severe.  It's just been more a feeling of *meh* all the time.  DH is not happy as he feels I'm being taken advantage of and no one is looking out for my best interests.  I disagree, but know he will never see it my way.  He's got his own reasons for holding grudges and he doesn't forgive them.

I don't know why I wrote all this out.  Maybe just to share.  I wish I could be a little more positive these days, but know I should be happy with *meh*.  It's better than being down.

It is better than being down, but it's still a loss. You're juggling a lot with your parents on top of your depression, which demands everything you have just to keep moving forward.

I hope your mother does get therapy and that it helps her. You can't assume her burdens nor can you help her in the way that therapy might. Being a daughter is challenging enough when you have your own needs. Best to you, and may the 'meh' melt into 'hmm!' soon. It sounds like your family is not ever going to be a source of support for you. That's a shame. I'm glad you wrote. I hope it helps to share.

I told my doctor some time ago that I've found myself feeling removed from the world going on about me. He said that's better than being depressed, and it is, very much. I do miss feeling engaged and at times happy.

[buystoys]

Well, Thursday I got good news, but good news with a nasty little twist.  My SSDI appeal has finally been ruled on.  The judge found fully in my favor which means there will be additional money coming my way.  The twist?  The wrong date was used and as it stands, I owe SSDI about $22,500.  My attorney has already contacted SS to see what has to be done to use the correct date.  If it can't be done before I have to pay up, we'll have to appeal the fully favorable result to a) get back the money I will have paid them by the time that comes to court and, b) receive the funds this judge ruled were owed to me but can't be paid due to the wrong date used.

This just couldn't be easy, could it?  At least at the end of all this, I'm getting the kitchen remodel I've wanted for six years.  Waiting a while longer won't change what we're going to do with the funds.

[TheOtherMe]

Wishing you that this is resolved quickly.  

[finnime]

What great and lousy news, buystoys. Glad the judge ruled in your favor. Why is it that mistakes always hurt the innocent? It will take the SSA a while to straighten things out, I imagine, if only because they take so long to do anything at all.

I am really grateful for SSDI. Frankly, we couldn't manage now without it.

Anyway, here's a   for you, to celebrate and to numb the angst. 

[TheOtherMe]

Part of why it takes them so long to do anything is budget cuts and retirements.  If I recall correctly, a lot of the cuts have been in the administrative law judges who hear the disability cases.

My friend's husband was one of those people and he retired a few years ago because his workload kept increasing because of people leaving.

[azucena]

That is good news but also soul crushing to deal with additional complications that arent your fault. Keep hanging in there.

[buystoys]

I'm trying very hard to just not think about it.  My guts churn every time I do.  I know it will eventually work itself out, I'm just stressing about the stress I'll have if it takes very long. 

[buystoys]

I can't believe it, but the government actually worked in a quick manner.  I got a call today that I will receive my SSDI settlement next week.  I didn't realize how anxious I was feeling about it until I hung up from the call.

I'm so glad this is finally over with.

[TheOtherMe]

Congratulations.  A big weight lifted.  

[Deleted]

So, I decided I need to get proactive about getting my shit together.  My house being a mess and gaining weight are one thing, but I'm seriously going to end up losing my job and I am NOT willing to go out into the job market fresh at age 51 after being at the same company for the past 26 years.   I look at those posts on the Job Hunt thread and just cringe thinking about resumes and interviews.  I would have no clue where to even start. 


I know what I need to do.  I need to get my ass off the boards.  I am using it to avoid anything I need to do.  And, it's not just this one, I have SEVERAL I frequent.  As well as constantly researching things on the schools for DS.  I am wasting massive amounts of time and getting further and further behind on everything.  I think I'm addicted.   

[buystoys]

Hoping you don't lose your job, MPL!  That would truly be difficult to deal with along with your full plate. 

[finnime]

That's fantastic, buystoys, and frankly quite miraculous. Good for you!

[finnime]

minnesotapaintlady, one of the hallmarks of depression for me is the inability to get shit done. I get overwhelmed but even small things and they burgeon into impossible piles. For me, I need to hack away at the depression to get anywhere. To do that I have to talk the right mix of meds and therapy. Have you considered talking with someone? It's not just willpower. Clearly you have enough of that to set the world on fire.

I hope you are able to find some solutions that work for you.

[Deleted]

My pile is definitely nearing the impossible size.   At work, at home, with my volunteer position...all so out of control and I don't do anything about it.  That's the maddening part.  I switched to a high deductible health insurance for this year and I'm completely paranoid about what the cost of counseling would be.  With the PPO it was $25/session, but I think I'd be on the hook for the full amount of every one now which would be so much.  I used to have a woman I went to that I really liked when I was struggling with Ex 2.0.  Then when it all really went bad, he went in and stole her from me.  I must have been not going for awhile or something and then when I went back completely messed up with all my hair falling out and crying uncontrollably, she told me that she couldn't see us both as it would be a conflict of interest.  I know she felt really bad about it but there was nothing she could do.  There were plenty of people he could have gone to see, so I'm pretty sure it was more about about trying to force his way back into my life.  If I wouldn't speak to him (the whole restraining order thing), then he would talk to my therapist...

I never looked for anyone else after that.  I filled out the depression survey forms at my annual appointments like I was totally suicidal a couple times hoping somebody would notice and insist I saw someone, but nobody said a word, which kind of blew my mind a bit.   Not a single question.  

[finnime]

Do you have EAP at work? They can help find someone to talk with and in the immediate term provide help themselves for no cost to you. 

That was really low of your Ex2.0. I'm angry on your behalf. And I'm po'd at the practice you have your appointments at, that doesn't respond to your depression scale. Mine always reviews it with me and ensures I'm getting the help I need plus offers themselves as backup responders if there's a crisis.

If not EAP, since you were doing well with your previous counselor, maybe she could recommend someone? Or maybe your ex is not seeing her any more and you can resume. BTW EAP does not by contract communicate anything with your employer, the sole exception being if your employer insisted you go to EAP because you were violent or something like that. Even then, they'd only confirm that you had connected with them.

[TheOtherMe]

MPL, it sounds like it's time to talk to someone.  

I had a boyfriend way back when who made an appointment with my therapist.  She told me his story at his first appointment sounded familiar and by half of his time, she realized it was who she was thinking it was and she told him she could not see him.

He never mentioned a word to me about it, ever.  Thankfully, she did and she did the ethical thing.  

My therapist bills $190 but they won't see anyone without insurance.  I have no idea about the details since I'm covered and have no out of pocket cost since I went on Medicare.

[buystoys]

MPL, is there a medical college or social workers program in your area?  My first therapist billed me based on income as they were through the college. 

I hope you get the help you need quickly.  Sending you as many hugs as you can handle! 

[buystoys]

Saw this and just had to share it:

[Deleted]

Mayo Clinic, but it's a 45 minute drive.  I found out my old counselor is still at Catholic Charities.  It's been almost 6 years since I've gone!!  Seems like yesterday really.  I know my ex isn't seeing her anymore, he only was going when he was under court order to in order to get out of jail.  I'm at work now and see that the EAP covers up to 5 sessions now (used to just be 3), so maybe I'll call or go down there on Monday and get something set up. 

[Deleted]

Also, I'm kind of a drug hoarder and was eyeballing the 5-6 months worth of Zoloft I have in my medicine cabinet this morning. 

[TheOtherMe]

Please don't self prescribe.

[Deleted]

Technically my doctor prescribed it. 

[TheOtherMe]

How old are they?  Sounds like doctor prescribed a while ago.