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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2019 9:33:04 GMT -5
I am unwell.
I don't know if I'm depressed, overwhelmed, anxious or having a full blown mental breakdown, but I am most definitely unwell. It is effecting every single aspect of my life now and my thought processes for how to save myself are royally messed up, but I'm getting desperate. I have to do something.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2019 9:51:24 GMT -5
I am unwell.
I don't know if I'm depressed, overwhelmed, anxious or having a full blown mental breakdown, but I am most definitely unwell. It is effecting every single aspect of my life now and my thought processes for how to save myself are royally messed up, but I'm getting desperate. I have to do something.
I have no advice except to take a deep breath and keep putting one foot in front of the other. You're among friends  |
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Dec 21, 2019 10:11:30 GMT -5
I am unwell.
I don't know if I'm depressed, overwhelmed, anxious or having a full blown mental breakdown, but I am most definitely unwell. It is effecting every single aspect of my life now and my thought processes for how to save myself are royally messed up, but I'm getting desperate. I have to do something.
Please reach out to someone in your life. Call the suicide hotline if need be. Please. 1 (800) 273-8255 We care. You know you are not well. You have to do something about it to change it. |
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Dec 21, 2019 10:13:00 GMT -5
I am unwell.
I don't know if I'm depressed, overwhelmed, anxious or having a full blown mental breakdown, but I am most definitely unwell. It is effecting every single aspect of my life now and my thought processes for how to save myself are royally messed up, but I'm getting desperate. I have to do something.
Have you said this to anyone in real life? Trusted friend, relative, neighbor? I'm worried about you and while we can and will support you from afar, it sounds like you need to talk to someone in real life asap! |
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ilovedolphins
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Post by ilovedolphins on Dec 21, 2019 10:14:53 GMT -5
I am unwell.
I don't know if I'm depressed, overwhelmed, anxious or having a full blown mental breakdown, but I am most definitely unwell. It is effecting every single aspect of my life now and my thought processes for how to save myself are royally messed up, but I'm getting desperate. I have to do something.
I so know how you feel right now and if I could I would be there to give you a hug....cuz we both need one. I keep telling myself to just keep going...things will get better. You will be in my thoughts. |
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Dec 21, 2019 10:15:54 GMT -5
MPL - you've been through a lot and have carried quite a load all on your own for such a long time that it's likely catching up to you. This is your body and mind getting your attention to make changes. It is most definitely not weakness or failure or any other negative self talk that might be running thru your mind. I speak from experience.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Dec 21, 2019 10:18:26 GMT -5
I am unwell.
I don't know if I'm depressed, overwhelmed, anxious or having a full blown mental breakdown, but I am most definitely unwell. It is effecting every single aspect of my life now and my thought processes for how to save myself are royally messed up, but I'm getting desperate. I have to do something.
Minnesotapaintedlady-if you are feeling totally overwhelmed, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-TALK (8255). It's confidential and there will be someone on the other end of the line who can hopefully lower your distress. We care. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2019 10:23:13 GMT -5
I don't think I'm suicidal. I've thought about it, but I know that is not an option because of the kids and all the animals that depend on me...so I guess that's good. On the other hand I actually get mad at them that I have to stay around for their sake. I am seriously considering things like walking away from my job and cashing in all my retirement accounts. I figure I can live off that money for enough years to get the kids launched and then maybe I'd have the guts to just end it. Another scary thought I've been having is getting back together with Ex 2.0 or an equally psychotic stalker ex boyfriend that still hasn't gone away. Just so I have SOMEONE else helping out. I can't do it anymore for some reason.
In the past I've always vented to my aunts that lived near here, but one passed away a few years ago and the other one that lives next door has been battling cancer while taking care of her husband that just had major spinal surgery. There's no way I can tell her I'm struggling. I'm ashamed even thinking of whining to her about anything.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2019 10:26:46 GMT -5
I just don't understand how I could have gone through two traumatic divorces and some major domestic violence and carried on for years and NOW I fall apart.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Dec 21, 2019 10:43:08 GMT -5
I just don't understand how I could have gone through two traumatic divorces and some major domestic violence and carried on for years and NOW I fall apart. The holidays can do strange things to people's heads. Get through the holidays and hopefully everything will settle down. |
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Dec 21, 2019 11:02:18 GMT -5
I just don't understand how I could have gone through two traumatic divorces and some major domestic violence and carried on for years and NOW I fall apart. Cause eventually your brain hits overload. I finally had a mental breakdown in 2015. I thought I was handling things well until I had a MASSIVE panic attack driving home from my grandma's. It was so bad I almost had to pull over and call dad to come get me. Thank God motor memory took over the driving part. After that I felt like a live wire. It's taken me three years plus some time on medication to get back to where I can handle life again. I still have panic attacks from time to time they've never gone away. It's hard having to always be the responsible one, the adult. I can tell you right now being married to a trainwreck is no help. DH is a huge contributor to the situation. He's finally getting his shit together but my brain sometimes wonders if it's too little too late. I'm good at compartmentalizing and keeping my cool. It's when my brain has a moment of quiet I start to crash. People keep telling me I have to give my brain time to process. Would you like to tell me when I'm supposed to have the time to do that? |
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Dec 21, 2019 11:39:21 GMT -5
This is a difficult time of the year. You've got all the usual responsibilities: job, kids, extended family, then throw in all the bologna of how to have a "perfect" Christmas, which frankly, no one has, and it's enough to stress out anyone. Just breathe. Only do what you absolutely have to: feed the kids, take care of the animals, and breathe. Let any other expectations go. If you've been through a lot in life, it can catch up with you at unexpected times. Be easy on yourself. We're here for you. If venting helps, go for it!  I'm thankful we finally made it past the shortest day of the year. More daylight always makes me feel better. |
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Post by empress of self-improvement on Dec 21, 2019 11:42:16 GMT -5
Once your meds settle in again, can you figure out what to do to keep this from happening again? Quarterly prescriptions? Auto-refill? Mail order? A different pharmacy that calls Dr for you to request more refills?
Less than 24 hours until 12/21 for shortest day of the year. I always feel relieved once the Christmas hubbub had passed. All excellent suggestions and going to look into them. I know now why my PCP said if I needed more he can prescribe them for me. Unfortunately, due to my multiple job and insurance changes this year, I haven't been in to see him either so I don't know if I would have been able to get it. Of course, now that I know how much withdrawal sucks, I will do ANYTHING!!!! to not have it happen again. |
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Dec 21, 2019 18:14:38 GMT -5
minnesotapaintlady, I understand. You've gone through all the dizzying soul-sucking traps in your life. Now when there's nothing huge, no battle to be fought, you fall apart. When this happened to me it was because I was past the major trauma when there's no room in your life to take a breath much less put it all on hold. I fell apart because I'd gotten to where I could. I understand wanting to just end it all to end all the everything clamoring at you, too. But you're right, people and animals need you. You need you, too. Without your aunts, who else IRL can you talk with? Does your company have EAP? They can give you an emergency landing pad and direct you to longer-term resources. Keep posting, too. We care a lot. Hugs to you.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2019 19:15:40 GMT -5
empress of self-improvement In the event that you've heard about it but never used it, GoodRx is a great resource for getting meds cheap. DS had no insurance and a prescription for meds that cost almost $400/month. He checked to see how much pharmacies charged using GoodRx and paid less than $14/month at Target. That doesn't solve the problem of paying for the visit to the doctor, but it's certainly a big help for prescription meds. And does that tell us all something about the cost of meds in America? minnesotapaintlady I've been where you feel like you are now. I think finnime got it right. We keep going like the Energizer bunny because we have to. Then there's a breather. That's when we have time to fall apart. It's hard not to.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Dec 21, 2019 20:03:09 GMT -5
In the past I've always vented to my aunts that lived near here, but one passed away a few years ago and the other one that lives next door has been battling cancer while taking care of her husband that just had major spinal surgery. There's no way I can tell her I'm struggling. I'm ashamed even thinking of whining to her about anything.
There is no shame. Repeat after me. There is no shame. |
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Dec 21, 2019 20:39:25 GMT -5
The people who love us want to hear our struggles. Trust me she would be more stressed and upset when she finds out later that you didn't want to "bother" her.
I saw your post on another thread about carrots dad buying him every present under the sun. I'm sure that doesn't help your mindset. But that's on him and is nutso. Carrot loves you for you and maybe the presents sway him now because he's a kid but trust me, he will figure out which parent had his best interests at heart.
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Post by empress of self-improvement on Dec 21, 2019 20:42:43 GMT -5
In the past I've always vented to my aunts that lived near here, but one passed away a few years ago and the other one that lives next door has been battling cancer while taking care of her husband that just had major spinal surgery. There's no way I can tell her I'm struggling. I'm ashamed even thinking of whining to her about anything.
There is no shame. Repeat after me. There is no shame. It's not whining and there is NO SHAME! Believe me, I felt embarrassed even mentioning how I felt the other day but it kept DH alive because I didn't club him with his cane like I wanted to. I also didn't realize about withdrawals and have definitely learned my lesson.  |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2019 21:11:47 GMT -5
The people who love us want to hear our struggles. Trust me she would be more stressed and upset when she finds out later that you didn't want to "bother" her. I was going to say pretty much the same thing. Yes, she has her own troubles right now, but my best guess is that she'd be glad that you'd talk to her. I understand about not wanting to "bother" her, but to her it wouldn't be bothering. It would be confiding, trusting her advice and thinking enough of her to ask for her help/input/insight. Please don't keep it all to yourself. All it'll do is give you an ulcer, sleepless nights, more and worse migraines. We're all here and you can vent to us, but she's right there and probably wishing she could be of some use to somebody. |
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buystoys
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Post by buystoys on Dec 22, 2019 8:16:48 GMT -5
minnesotapaintlady and empress of self-improvement, sending you both huge hugs because you really need them right now. MPL, I also agree with finnime. I've BTDT. You keep going during the traumas and then just fall apart afterwards. It's your body's way of dealing with fight or flight. Once you're done with the crisis, you feel it. I also agree with the suggestion to find someone to talk to about how you are feeling. Empress, you have also had to deal with some really bad times lately. Hopefully you can find a way to not run out of meds again. I know how horrible that feels!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 22, 2019 10:34:33 GMT -5
The people who love us want to hear our struggles. Trust me she would be more stressed and upset when she finds out later that you didn't want to "bother" her. I saw your post on another thread about carrots dad buying him every present under the sun. I'm sure that doesn't help your mindset. But that's on him and is nutso. Carrot loves you for you and maybe the presents sway him now because he's a kid but trust me, he will figure out which parent had his best interests at heart. I get scared I'm going to lose that one. The courts right now control everything, but I know that pretty soon what the courts say won't matter, and I'm pretty sure ex is working that angle. I wouldn't care so much about controlling the custody situation if I actually thought it was a good place for him to be, but I do not. |
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Dec 22, 2019 10:39:17 GMT -5
The people who love us want to hear our struggles. Trust me she would be more stressed and upset when she finds out later that you didn't want to "bother" her. I saw your post on another thread about carrots dad buying him every present under the sun. I'm sure that doesn't help your mindset. But that's on him and is nutso. Carrot loves you for you and maybe the presents sway him now because he's a kid but trust me, he will figure out which parent had his best interests at heart. I get scared I'm going to lose that one. The courts right now control everything, but I know that pretty soon what the courts say won't matter, and I'm pretty sure ex is working that angle. I wouldn't care so much about controlling the custody situation if I actually thought it was a good place for him to be, but I do not. Carrot loves you. I know you don't think ex is good for Carrot. I hope the worst does not happen regarding custody. |
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Dec 23, 2019 11:25:56 GMT -5
The people who love us want to hear our struggles. Trust me she would be more stressed and upset when she finds out later that you didn't want to "bother" her. I saw your post on another thread about carrots dad buying him every present under the sun. I'm sure that doesn't help your mindset. But that's on him and is nutso. Carrot loves you for you and maybe the presents sway him now because he's a kid but trust me, he will figure out which parent had his best interests at heart. I get scared I'm going to lose that one. The courts right now control everything, but I know that pretty soon what the courts say won't matter, and I'm pretty sure ex is working that angle. I wouldn't care so much about controlling the custody situation if I actually thought it was a good place for him to be, but I do not.
How are you today?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 23, 2019 16:37:04 GMT -5
I get scared I'm going to lose that one. The courts right now control everything, but I know that pretty soon what the courts say won't matter, and I'm pretty sure ex is working that angle. I wouldn't care so much about controlling the custody situation if I actually thought it was a good place for him to be, but I do not.
How are you today?
A little more in control. A big project I've been trying to finish at work is done and submitted 30 minutes before the deadline. I probably screwed it up and will have to resubmit to the customer with corrections later, but I've been in the office for 8 straight days working on it. I'm not prepped for Christmas at all and my house is a mess (probably even more so now since the kids were home alone all day), but just knowing I have three days "off" without having to think about that is a relief.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Dec 26, 2019 16:24:18 GMT -5
A little more in control. A big project I've been trying to finish at work is done and submitted 30 minutes before the deadline. I probably screwed it up and will have to resubmit to the customer with corrections later, but I've been in the office for 8 straight days working on it. I'm not prepped for Christmas at all and my house is a mess (probably even more so now since the kids were home alone all day), but just knowing I have three days "off" without having to think about that is a relief.
Hope these days off have helped  |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2019 8:43:36 GMT -5
A little more in control. A big project I've been trying to finish at work is done and submitted 30 minutes before the deadline. I probably screwed it up and will have to resubmit to the customer with corrections later, but I've been in the office for 8 straight days working on it. I'm not prepped for Christmas at all and my house is a mess (probably even more so now since the kids were home alone all day), but just knowing I have three days "off" without having to think about that is a relief.
Hope these days off have helped Not having the job stress did help, but I wish it wouldn't have been so much running around and so many people in such a short period of time. My batteries never got a chance to recharge at all and my house is even more of a disaster than before Christmas. Tomorrow is Christmas at my first Ex's family. I'm trying to decide if I stay home or go. I'm never expected to be there, but I enjoy spending time with them and I have gifts for DS's younger siblings. It's 90 minutes away though and staying home doing nothing sounds good too... |
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Dec 27, 2019 11:16:51 GMT -5
Hope these days off have helped Not having the job stress did help, but I wish it wouldn't have been so much running around and so many people in such a short period of time. My batteries never got a chance to recharge at all and my house is even more of a disaster than before Christmas. Tomorrow is Christmas at my first Ex's family. I'm trying to decide if I stay home or go. I'm never expected to be there, but I enjoy spending time with them and I have gifts for DS's younger siblings. It's 90 minutes away though and staying home doing nothing sounds good too... Send the gifts with DS, tell him to take video and stay home!!! They will understand. |
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Dec 27, 2019 12:00:33 GMT -5
Recharge your own batteries. They will understand.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2019 12:15:50 GMT -5
Oh, I know they'd understand. They'd actually be surprised to see me if I showed up. I'm mostly torn because I do really want to go as well. I rarely ever get to see them all together anymore because I do all the other holidays with my family on the actual holiday. I don't know. I'll probably wait until the very last minute to decide. They're talking bad weather headed our way tomorrow as well.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2019 16:56:31 GMT -5
Well, now I'm feeling more under pressure. Apparently Ex 1.0 has no room in his car for our son.  So, I got a call from ex-SIL that they can stop by on their way and pick him up, but "it would be so awesome if I could go and we could all ride together". (btw, us all riding together means me giving up my van as the transport vehicle and her husband driving)
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