Battling Depression

[azucena]

Sept 26, 2024 9:58:59 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

DH has had issues with Prozac.  He can get in the mood but he can't go the distance if you get my meaning. I looked it up and that is not uncommon for men taking Prozac.

We decided we like him better on it.  It's frustrating for him but the benefits of taking it outweigh the not going the distance every time we have relations.

I know for women it can be different.  That mirtazipine totally killed my sex drive.  Course it killed my ability to pretty much feel anything I was a zombie but hey at least I wasn't anxious?  I am still pissed that psychiatrist wasn't taking my concerns about being a robot seriously.  I finally left a message saying that if this is what "normal" people feel like then fuck being normal I am not taking this anymore.

I've had no issues with Prestiq side effect wise when it comes to adult relations.  It actually helped because it quieted the voices in my head to where I can actually be in the moment with DH and if I get off course he can bring me back.

Because before that it would be like I was watching myself in horror just talking about the most mood killing shit possible and being unable to shut up.

Just realized that Mirtazapine is what was finally helping teen sleep since late July, early Aug. Wondering if you (or anyone else) struggled with it increasing appetite as a side effect. Psychiatrist warned us this could happen and it has. Teen doesn't have the healthiest eating patterns but this has def worsened that and caused her to gain weight which isn't helping her self esteem. With everything else going on, I've let this ride for now, but this week it doesn't seem to be helping her stay asleep like it had been. She hasn't had a seizure since 9/17 but her nightmares are back which are almost worse at disrupting sleep.

[TheOtherMe]

I took this for a while.  Doctor decided it wasn't one for me.

Yes, I gained weight, but I've gained weight with the two I am on now.  Doctor said this kind of weight is difficult to get off.  

Other than that, I have no advice.

[azucena]

At this point the kid needs sleep so I'm putting appetite concerns on the back burner. I've also noticed that she overeats as a form of self sabotage. Again that's a problem I can mention to her therapist later.

She was so excited about hoco suit when we found it last weekend but has been waffling hard the last couple of days. I think part of it is the weight gain. She only needs to pull it off for about 3 hours - pics, dinner and prob less than an hour at dance itself and then off to afterparty where they all change.

Her bestie tagged in to help find shoes yesterday. I was striking out with her, my fashion sense is limited and she needed another teen to weigh in.

Took both of them to get nails done yesterday. Pretty sure I spent 3 hours in my van driving kids btwn 2 and 6 pm. Convinced teen to let me pick her up at 1030 bc I was the ride for bestie 11 pm curfew and I was fading fast.

Teen has hair appt from 9 til 1. I need to stop by lane bryant and pick up fireball pearl set that she drooled over but wouldn't let me buy. Got reward coupon and cheaper price online ship to store. Just before she headed downstairs to bed last night she realized she didn't have jewelry. I said we'd figure it out lol. At the store we both said the set is something we could pic future math teacher wearing. I kinda enjoy picking out decent jewelry pieces and gifting them to the teens as keepsakes from special events and glimpses into future adulthood.

[lurkyloo]

My dad was on mirtazepine specifically as an appetite stimulant, bc he could never quite gain weight.

I’m struggling, again/still.  My brain won’t shut off and I default to things that will distract me or let me dissociate from reality, like video games and reading.  The buspirone doesn’t seem to exacerbate migraines, but I had several rounds of vertigo and wound up cutting back…and as mentioned elsewhere the lorazepam works but knocks me for a loop for the better part of a day.  

It’d be great to turn off the hyperalert mental status.  Appointment with psychiatrist tomorrow morning.

[finnime]

I hope your appointment is fruitful, lurkyloo. 

[lurkyloo]

Hmmm, not so much.  I think the preventive is clashing with my migraine med, so it might be reasonable to take it on non-migraine days (it’s not like the SSRIs or SNRIs where you have to let them build up for weeks) and she suggested just taking a half a pill of the rescue med lorazepam on migraine med days as needed, or when I’m anticipating the potential to spiral. And to keep reading up on the available options    Mostly medical professionals don’t take my in field experience seriously, I suppose I should be flattered? But September sucked and I had no bandwidth whatsoever to do additional research on things that might work.

Stupid hormones.  Not only do they cause the worst migraines, that’s frequently when I most need the anxiety meds.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Would getting your hormones tested be an idea?   I know that hormones can fuck with ADHD as I get older.  Apparently as I start to drop in estrogen levels it can ramp up my ADHD.  Yay being a woman!

It also fucks with medication as you are well aware which is why they often exclude women in clinical trials (which is a soapbox for another day).

Maybe you are out of whack.  I should really get mine tested.  People keep telling me I am too young to start perimenopause but I really have no idea.  My mom was thrown into it by having chicken pox as an adult.  Her mother had a cyst the size of a grapefruit so had a hysterectomy at a young age.  I have no clue when I am "supposed" to start.

I've noticed I have a lot more testosterone expression than I used to.  When Bob was trying to grow a beard I almost joked that my beard is better than his.   He still has super light blond facial hair.  Meanwhile mine is Wookie level dark.

[finnime]

Since she was let go from her job due to falls, DD has sunk into a real depression. She's looking for another job but not feeling positively about her prospects. She is continuing PT and excercising, to that's good. One med that works miracles for me, Abilify, she's had an allergic reaction to in the past so her shrink just prescribed another equivalent. I hope it works for her. Abilify also works very quickly, in a matter of 3 days instead of weeks. I don't know what her new med is or how long it might take. Hoping for the best.

[azucena]

Oh Finn, I'm so sorry to hear that about DD. Here's hoping meds work quickly.

[azucena]

Bonus teen had a rough night. She had her second therapy session with new therapist yesterday and maybe it got too deep too fast. I got home from softball and she was kinda rocking back and forth in her room. A few mins later her gf texted me to check on her and I said I was already on it. Glad to know that she was willing to speak up. Teen wouldn't tell me anything so we just sat together until she fell asleep. I've learned not to poke and prod and try to get her to talk when she's in this type of funk so that's progress on my part. I don't think she could process in the state she was in. She had a seizure just before falling asleep.

DD16 has something going on as well. Need to dig into that more but also need her to be willing to open up and tell me.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Oct 2, 2024 4:29:51 GMT -5 finnime said:

Since she was let go from her job due to falls, DD has sunk into a real depression. She's looking for another job but not feeling positively about her prospects. She is continuing PT and excercising, to that's good. One med that works miracles for me, Abilify, she's had an allergic reaction to in the past so her shrink just prescribed another equivalent. I hope it works for her. Abilify also works very quickly, in a matter of 3 days instead of weeks. I don't know what her new med is or how long it might take. Hoping for the best.

Has she looked into being a clinical research coordinator?  I'm always seeing postings for those between UNMC, Lovely Skin and we have a couple of private businesses who do clinical trials.  I started thinking about your DD.

They are always looking for people who can interpret documents and make sure things are in compliance.  Having a nursing license is strongly encouraged/desired because they are already familiar with EPIC, medical terminology and can often times do basic lab work with minimal training.

It's mainly a desk jockey type job so she wouldn't have to worry so much about  being a fall risk.

[finnime]

What a good idea, NomoreDramaQ1015, thank you. I'll tell DD.

[lurkyloo]

Oct 1, 2024 8:40:11 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Would getting your hormones tested be an idea?   I know that hormones can fuck with ADHD as I get older.  Apparently as I start to drop in estrogen levels it can ramp up my ADHD.  Yay being a woman!

It also fucks with medication as you are well aware which is why they often exclude women in clinical trials (which is a soapbox for another day).

Maybe you are out of whack.  I should really get mine tested.  People keep telling me I am too young to start perimenopause but I really have no idea.  My mom was thrown into it by having chicken pox as an adult.  Her mother had a cyst the size of a grapefruit so had a hysterectomy at a young age.  I have no clue when I am "supposed" to start.

I've noticed I have a lot more testosterone expression than I used to.  When Bob was trying to grow a beard I almost joked that my beard is better than his.   He still has super light blond facial hair.  Meanwhile mine is Wookie level dark.

I could.  I’m honestly leery of screwing with them.  BC pills in college really screwed up my mood (I was a raging homicidal maniac during pregnancy too, I think this is not a coincidence).  BC in grad school greatly exacerbated my migraines, tried both regular and the low progesterone kind. And you can’t really take away hormones, so I’d be adding them 

[lurkyloo]

Just checked DS’ grades and had a mini panic attack.  I thought we’d talked about participating and turning things in in Spanish but it hasn’t improved…and it’s also showing a D in freakin resource class.  wtf.  Still trying to prod things along with my mother but I seriously just want to give up on everything right now    curl in a ball and hide in the corner and preferably just black out.

[TheOtherMe]

lurkyloo     

[finnime]

I understand completely, lurkyloo. It's so hard when you solve problems to turn around and see them un-solve themselves.

[azucena]

Woke up pissed at the world and afraid who may light the powder keg and receive my wrath. Going back to bed for another hour and will literally climb out the other side in case that makes a difference.

Doesn't help that it's another random extra day off for dh to do as he pleases. What i wouldn't give for a day to myself. He and I are supposed to go out of town this weekend, been planned for two months. We are barely speaking bc I'm so resentful of how little he helps. Kinda wish I had the balls to say I'm going by myself, you figure out life for a couple days.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

If you want I am happy to join you in an arson spree across the country.  I could go for burning some shit to the ground.

[TheOtherMe]

Go without him.  You shouldn't have to be dealing with all of this by yourself.

[lurkyloo]

I’m down for a Thelma and Louise, group style 

Feeling a little better today.  Babysitter went through a bunch of work with him last night.  I’ll see about having him go through his classes to see what’s missing and can still be done/turned in.  And we’ll go through and organize his binder.  

Still pissed at resource class.  He’s there because he’s terminally disorganized, you’re going to give him a D because he’s not magically fixed?

[lurkyloo]

Aaaannnd after spending Wed night catching up on all the undone spanish work, DH looked at his profile yesterday and saw they’d switched him down to spanish 1a which is good…except they didn’t tell us, or him. Also it involved juggling four(!) of his seven classes.  He’s now back in accelerated math, which is probably about right and included one of his second-tier elementary friends, also good, but I had to reach out to the teacher to find out what he’s missed and we should review.  Still haven’t reached out to sped teacher to find out how we can support him to fix that grade.

DH is awesome but he doesn’t see the little things that need to happen to make some of this work, like I do    Maybe the buspirone was helping more than I gave it credit for…I’m going to start back taking the lower dose even with migraine meds but I’m hitting the rescue med harder than I’m happy with rn.

[finnime]

I remember how tough it was to keep up with the threads of DS when he was in middle school and I was in the jaws of the Black Dog, lurkyloo. I commend you.

[TheOtherMe]

In my FB memories today was a picture of me feeding J when my sister and I went to Toronto in 2021 to babysit.  The time spent with J was great but it brought back my very negative feelings about her refusing to pay for anything for gas to get to Toronto.  I still remember at the 3rd gas stop and I asked her if she planned to pay for any of the gas and her reply was "I am not paying for anything for this trip".

That is the reason she will never go on a trip with me again.

[NastyWoman]

Oct 5, 2024 10:52:25 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

In my FB memories today was a picture of me feeding J when my sister and I went to Toronto in 2020 to babysit.  The time spent with J was great but it brought back my very negative feelings about her refusing to pay for anything for gas to get to Toronto.  I still remember at the 3rd gas stop and I asked her if she planned to pay for any of the gas and her reply was "I am not paying for anything for this trip".

That is the reason she will never go on a trip with me again.

What a cheap, entitled bitch. I know I am supposed to say " and I mean that in the nicest way possible." But scr*w that. I mean it exactly the way I wrote it.
Remember, blood isn't the only way you can have sisters in live. You have at least one, and probably several more, right here on the boards

[TheOtherMe]

NastyWoman   After I told DN1 that she said that, he made her pay for anything she wanted in Toronto.  She wasn't happy that she had to pay for her own Covid test to re-enter the US and they installed Uber for her to get to the airport.  

[seriousthistime]

It does not surprise me your sister refused to split common expenses.  

It does surprise me that she actually articulated it. 

[TheOtherMe]

Oct 6, 2024 16:10:16 GMT -5 seriousthistime said:

It does not surprise me your sister refused to split common expenses.  

It does surprise me that she actually articulated it. 

That was the part that surprised me.

She was sitting in the passenger seat not looking at me when I finally asked her.

She does shop hops and she has said they share expenses.  

Every trip I have ever gone on with friends, it was unstated that expenses would be shared.  We usually didn't let the person who drove pay for any gas on basketball trips or concert trips.

We have taken dad to funerals together.  I paid for one tank of gas and she would pay for the other.

I had threatened to leave her in Detroit if she didn't clear Customs.  Then she almost didn't because she printed out the wrong page of the Covid test we had to take and couldn't figure out what she needed.  So she got in her email account at the hotel and printed the wrong page again.  So we both had to take a Covid test as soon as we got to the apartment in Toronto.

[lurkyloo]

Wow.  Just wow.  Amazing how two sisters with the same genetics and same childhood environment can be so different.

[lurkyloo]

Depression seems to be easing some.  I hope the change in classes is going to solve a lot-and DS took some ownership that his bad resource grade was because he was stuffing things in his binder, so maybe that will get better? Babysitter reported that his binder was already organized when she went to help him with it. Should probably talk to the teacher anyway, once I clear some more of the to do pile.  His newly-accelerated math teacher said that he switched at the perfect time bc they just started a new unit and he is doing great so far (all of 2 days in   . 

I think part of my problem is that I am a very logical person and when things objectively suck I have a hard time sugar coating it.  But the tendency to spiral when presented with one more obstacle is not helpful either…

Gradually chipping away at the to do mountain and it no longer feels like Everest.

I hope azucena is okay, I know there was some tension about weekends away and planning responsibilities and I hope this was a recuperation and healing event.

[azucena]

Flailing a bit and just trying to make it to Fri when teens have a long fall break and we're road tripping to visit colleges - Western IL, Bradley, Eastern IL and Butler.

Back in a stalemate with DH after not going on weekend getaway. He had booked something 4 hours away in the Ozarks and I wasn't at all up for driving that far by myself after I decided I wasn't going with him. Not getting enough sleep these days and don't bounce back at all bc I'm 45 and stressed to the max.

Tried to talk to him about changes but ended up back in our circular fight where he throws everything back on me. Debating on scheduling double therapy next week - one for me to talk it out and second for us both together. Not sure I have the energy. Def being passive aggressive and sending him links to therapists at both offices we use and telling him to get on it.

Everyone keeps saying I need to step back and let the system work for bonus teen. Yet they're not the ones watching her self destructive behavior reappear as well as seizures ramp back up again Sun and Mon.

Sunday's seizures were clearly triggered by video call from nut where she put the siblings on video so teen would answer. Holy manipulation. Then, Sis11 asked when teen was coming to see them and nut chimes in yeah, when? Made my blood literally boil.

We are both dreading tomorrow's one month follow up with the psychologist where we have to see nut. Heaven help me because I hate the woman more than I have ever hated anyone but that hate is tearing me up inside. Need to work on that. You can bet I'm sending teen into appt with this doc with oral surgery signoff paper in the hopes that she has authority to sign off on anesthesia and can convince nut to do the right thing.

Teen met with legal aid on Thurs which seems to have prompted them to push children's services to do something about tooth. Teen got a voicemail at 730 this morning from social worker saying she was meeting with supervisor today and should have some news soon. Not holding our breath.

Sent teen to school yesterday against my better judgment, had to go back an hour later and pick her up after a seizure in the middle of class. Fortunately her therapy last night seems to have gone well and she's def connecting with this lady who is willing to go above and beyond for teen. Therapist now understands the oral surgeon mess and is going to try to get nut to cooperate.

Meanwhile nut has someone from the trauma counseling center showing up unannounced at the high school trying to meet with teen. This center was suggested by mental health discharge way back in April. When I tried to follow through on it, nut blocked us saying teen didn't need therapy. Since then, I've learned from multiple people and several review sites to avoid that center. They overmedicate, discriminate, and generally bungle things. Who shows up unannounced at schools? Particularly since it's a good 45 drive for them. Fortunately so far they've come on days when teen is home or off campus at college class. Plus they focus on intense group therapy multiple times a week. Teen hated inpatient group therapy and she's currently in no position to unpack her trauma right now. I've told her that she may have to leave class and tell them no thank you. Everyone says advocate for yourself - well okay then, they can't force therapy. 

School social worker won't take a stand on this and sent an email to both me and nut saying sort it out. First time she's let us down. Teen texted nut yesterday asking her to call them off and saying she already has weekly therapy. Nut says do both. Teen says I can't miss class for them, nut says Azucena doesn't make you go to school enough anyway. I told teen to talk it over with current therapist - she said therapist said hell no, that place sucks and you tell them you're not mtg with the man they keep sending bc men are half your trauma trigger. Therapist is going to attempt to explain to nut how counterproductive two therapies would be. 

Teen ended up finding someone to squeeze her in for hair appt last night, so I was out later than I wanted to be but knew it was impt to her. She wants to go with friends to movies tonight, but I can only make that work if I'm potentially late to softball so prob need to tell her just to have the friends over here. I'm way less worried if seizure happens here at home than out in public.