Battling Depression

[daisylu]

Same azucena with understanding that seasonal depression goes both ways. 

I'm already not doing well with it. The latest sunset of the year was last week and the sun is already rising later in the morning here. Need to up the Vitamin D.

[Pink Cashmere]

Aug 28, 2024 2:40:15 GMT -5 finnime said:

How is your head now, Pink Cashmere ? Are the headaches subsiding? I really hope so. I've had migraines where I've thought it would be better to just surgically remove the head half that was so violently painful. It sounds like yours was similar.

It hasn’t hurt since that one night, thank goodness. Yes, it was very bad. Thank you for asking.

[Pink Cashmere]

How am I supposed to know whether the antidepressant I’m taking is working or not? I know it can take up to 4 weeks or whatever for it to really be effective.

I am 2 weeks in, and don’t really feel any better. Well, I’m not experiencing what I guess is anxiety as often. But idk if if it’s the medicine or because I have gotten better at “changing the subject” in my brain when my stomach starts feeling funny when I’m thinking about certain things. That is not a good long term solution, because some of those things I avoid thinking about right now, do need to be addressed.

When I speak about my stomach “feeling funny”, that is a different thing from when my stomach goes haywire. It is more uncomfortable than painful, but if I keep thinking about whatever, sometimes it becomes nausea. I “change the subject” for sure at that point because I don’t want to find out what comes after nausea, since nausea is often the first sign that my stomach is about to rebel and wreak havoc.

I have also figured out that my job often causes me to have a bad attitude by the end of my workday. Even if nothing unusual happens, it’s just all the negativity and negative energy. That is why I get out of the building on all my breaks and my lunch, the building just feels dark and gloomy to me, and to get away from my coworkers. Honestly, I go outside every chance I get, like when I’m waiting on work and I know it will be 10 or 15 minutes before I am busy again. I’m not supposed to do that, but I do it anyway. There are only a few people I even chat with, like 3 or 4 out of about a hundred people on my shift. But that doesn’t mean people don’t try to start conversations with me. I try not to be rude, but I really don’t want to hear all the negative stuff about who they can’t stand and who doesn’t do any work, blah blah, blah. 

I guess I need to figure out how to keep all of the negativity and negative energy from affecting me the way it does. Sighhhh.

[TheOtherMe]

In my experience with antidepressants, I could not tell much difference in 2 weeks.  I think my doctor scheduled the med check appointments 3 weeks apart at that point and they were adjusted at the 2nd appointment.  

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I knew mine was starting to work because I was able to pull myself out of depressive or anxious cycles.

I've done CBT off and on but that voice gets drowned out. I was able to hear it again.

I can sleep I am not up at 2am with racing thoughts.

It's different for everyone. I told my doctor it's like all the squirrels in my head stopped taking crack.

They are still running around but now I can occasionally catch them and maybe even get the cage fixed.

I'm so burned out after the last two years I'm dead inside. I see no point in anything.

With my antidepressants I feel again. I don't always like what I feel but I know the other stuff is my burn out talking not "me".

DH and the kids noticed a remarkable difference as people looking at the whole me.

It was about 6 weeks before I really noticed myself. That was when my appointment was with the Doctor to go through the questions again and compare to my original answers

[TheOtherMe]

Sept 2, 2024 16:20:03 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

In my experience with antidepressants, I could not tell much difference in 2 weeks.  I think my doctor scheduled the med check appointments 3 weeks apart at that point and they were adjusted at the 2nd appointment.  

I was put on a cocktail of 3 medications that had to be titrated slowly and the dosage increased.  The deep darkness went away in about 6 weeks.  

Unfortunately, I have through 3 different times I was fine and didn't need the meds.  So 3 times I have stopped cold turkey.  Every time has been a massive failure and left me suicidal before I would call for help.

I hope I have learned my lesson.

[Pink Cashmere]

Sept 2, 2024 19:43:01 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Sept 2, 2024 16:20:03 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

In my experience with antidepressants, I could not tell much difference in 2 weeks.  I think my doctor scheduled the med check appointments 3 weeks apart at that point and they were adjusted at the 2nd appointment.  

I was put on a cocktail of 3 medications that had to be titrated slowly and the dosage increased.  The deep darkness went away in about 6 weeks.  

Unfortunately, I have through 3 different times I was fine and didn't need the meds.  So 3 times I have stopped cold turkey.  Every time has been a massive failure and left me suicidal before I would call for help.

I hope I have learned my lesson.

I hope so too. Because even though I am just a stranger on the Internet, you matter to me, your life matters to me, and I am grateful that I’ve gotten to “know” you and have had the opportunity to chat with you for some years. You are a real person to me, a real person that lives behind the screens we use to chat and share pieces of our lives with one another. 

I want you to be honest with me/us, if you ever really need help, so I/we can try to send help your way, even though we are so far away that we can’t get to you ourselves to try to help you. 

That is really important to me. I understand how our minds can play tricks on us and make us believe the lies that depression tends to whisper in our ears. I value you, and I don’t want to lose you.

[azucena]

Theo - you better learn young lady. If nothing else think of J and missing him grow up and how losing you in that way would make him feel. Appreciated your text yesterday and pls text me if you ever think about stopping them and I'll give you what for!

[TheOtherMe]

I really don't make a conscious decision to stop taking them.  I slowly quit taking them and then I realize I'm off my meds.  I stop when I think everything is wonderful.

At present, I don't think everything is wonderful.

If you have never felt suicidal, you don't understand that the last thing I will do is reach out.  That's part of the insidious thinking.

I hope if I ever start not taking my meds again, I will reach out before I get to the place of feeling suicidal.  It's not a pleasant place to be.

The last time I spent several days typing in to google "I want to kill myself"  Google kept giving me as a result the suicide hotline number but I never called it.

[TheOtherMe]

Thank you for caring.  I think you know I don't think my people locally care about me.  Maybe DN3 if he doesn't let his wife know.

[finnime]

Suicidal generally means that it isn't possible to reach out for help. I know.

I'm very glad you're with us, too, TheOtherMe. You are a very important person.

Pink Cashmere, you might want to try making a list of things that are extremely difficult or not possible to do right now and then check it in 2 more weeks, to see if any have changed. My DSis called me at one time a few weeks after she'd started Wellbutrin to complain she didn't feel any different but was having weird dreams. It turned out when she called me she was painting the ceiling at our mother's house, something she could not have rallied to do before then. So the med was working.

[azucena]

Yeah, reaching out before one gets too low is key but I know how impossible that is.

Pink - fwiw, I can tell my meds are working when I find myself laughing and being sarcastic and then will pause and think woe, it's been a bit since I've done that. Also other people like dh and close work friends will notice I'm doing better so you may want to check in with them. Mine is closer to 4 weeks usually.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

I’ve been on anti-anxiety meds for over ten years. I’ve only been on antidepressants since this April. It was definitely a few weeks of being on them before the debilitating “there’s no point” ceded. And I had the privilege of staying home with a full paycheck for four months. There was definitely a gradual stop of the “constant laying face down on the couch unable to force myself to do anything” and then “I can do a few things each day” and then “I can do a lot of things each day”. It took many weeks before I even smiled again. I’m off of at least half the cocktail at this point—per the medical providers, not my own decisions.

[lurkyloo]

The first thing to go is the ability to react rationally and productively 

Minor case in point:  I can’t go to sleep, and taking melatonin or benadryl to help me along is what I know I should do and just can’t quite make happen.

I had my appointment today and have a bumped up daily dosage plus new rescue meds for when I feel a panic attack coming on.  Not sure I’ve had a full fledged one, maybe when the SW called to inform me she’d activated the mpoa, but I’ve definitely had to remove myself from situations where I could feel myself falling down the rabbit hole.

[TheOtherMe]

I try to stay aware enough to not make major decisions when I am down in the dumps.

Every decision I have ever made during one of those times has been a massive mistake.

[Opti]

Sept 3, 2024 10:06:32 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

I really don't make a conscious decision to stop taking them.  I slowly quit taking them and then I realize I'm off my meds.  I stop when I think everything is wonderful.

At present, I don't think everything is wonderful.

If you have never felt suicidal, you don't understand that the last thing I will do is reach out.  That's part of the insidious thinking.

I hope if I ever start not taking my meds again, I will reach out before I get to the place of feeling suicidal.  It's not a pleasant place to be.

The last time I spent several days typing in to google "I want to kill myself"  Google kept giving me as a result the suicide hotline number but I never called it.

I think things can easily happen if you live alone and do not see people who look out for you on a regular basis. I watch for the signs of Depression in me as once decades ago changed me for life. I have noticed I have several tells when I am losing hope, and drinking less water is part of it. Which makes my sinuses worse which leads to reduced sleep and bad outcomes.

I realized last night into this morning, my pig out on too much sugar for two days really hurt me and messed with my mood and health. I also should check some ingredients. Usually, the only thing I know that triggers me that quickly is Aspartame Sucralose, which I strictly avoid. So back to being careful with my daily sugar limit etc. It would make more sense something got contaminated with Aspartame Sucralose. Too much sugar does affect my mood but not so quickly or badly in the past. 

Maybe its food diary time for the next few days. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I am struggling today.  As many of you recall I think I have said over on YM that my department insists the only way you can ever get promoted is to have an opening come up and you will be expected to apply.

Well apparently not anymore at least not for a couple levels above me because in the last two days there have been a flurry of promotions.  None of these were open positions.  So apparently they CAN change titles on a dime and without having to have approval from HR to open a position.

Nothing against several of the people who earned these but WTF?  I have had it stressed over and over to me I can't become an associate unless there is an open position.  Which now that the three open ones have been filled my chances of ever getting one are zero unless a new person bolts.

Many of us peons have an icky feeling about the whole thing.

I am also beyond angry that I was told I qualify for one of those positions but then when I found out about my review was told I "should have known" I wouldn't be able to apply.  No you LIED to me!  You told me if I took on a particular project and cleared that bar I'd be a candidate.  I did it.  Then my manager took the wind out of my sails.  You say I should have known that was the case long before I did but yet you fucking sat there in that time frame and said the opposite!

So either you are oblivious to your managers and are backtracking to cover your ass.  Or you flat out lied to me.  Neither is acceptable and I am not sure which is worse.

To add insult to injury because of my review I can't apply for anything even lateral moves in the company for a full fiscal year.

Yet J was promoted while she was on a PIP.  Her direct manager at the time disagreed and said she is not supposed to be able to qualify.  The director and his manager overrode that and took her direct manager out of the hiring process.  They made an exception.

I am not on a PIP.  I just got one bad review.  Yet I cannot apply for anything and was told only my direct manager can properly assess my performance and if I am qualified for the next level.

What the FLYING FUCK?!

It is really hard not to feel like this is specifically targeted towards me to make sure I stay in my place.  DH and a couple of my coworkers said I am not being paranoid the evidence deck is pretty stacked in my favor.

And HR's only response is it is a me problem and I can try to talk it out with my manager.  Phooey.

Not a single company has called me back or followed up  yet either.  I have been totally ghosted by the two companies I was really excited for.  That does not help my mood at all.

[TheOtherMe]

Drama   

[finnime]

I'm sorry, Drama. You were wrung dry then beaten for dust. It isn't right.

[ners]

Sept 10, 2024 15:40:31 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Drama   

[finnime]

How are you, Pink Cashmere? Thinking of you.

[Pink Cashmere]

Sept 14, 2024 15:50:17 GMT -5 finnime said:

How are you, Pink Cashmere ? Thinking of you.

I am okay today. My “okay” these days mostly means that my stomach is not acting a fool and I could go to work. That is pretty much all I have to give many days, and anything  better than that is “extra” for now.

Thank you for asking, and thinking of me.

[Pink Cashmere]

I had my follow up visit today, to check in on how the Pristiq seems to be working for me. I was supposed to go last week, but had to reschedule because I was feeling bad. 

I started the visit by telling her I had a confession. Last Friday (I think it was Friday), I indulged in grown people activities, and it didn’t go too well for me. I knew it had to be the Pristiq, because the same thing happens when I take Amitriptyline for my hands and wrists. So I got disgusted because of that, and didn’t take the Pristiq anymore. As if I indulge in those activities regularly lol. But that wasn’t the point, I was just aggravated about one more darn thing not working right.

Imtold her that I confessed that I stopped taking it and why, because I understand that I have to be honest for her to be able to do her job effectively. So we talked about it and she told me (not in a scolding way) that I could’ve called her and told her about it, instead of just not taking the med anymore, that I can always call her about any side effect or whatever that I am concerned about. 

Anyway, I ended up deciding to continue with it, and see if that side effect goes away. She said it does for some people, but not for everybody. If it doesn’t for me, we will figure something else out. I have another appointment next month, but she emphasized that I should call her if I have any concerns before then.

She appears to be very young, even younger than my children. It’s just something I noticed, not something I hold against her. I guess it just makes me feel old or something. But she seems to know her stuff, and she actually freaking LISTENS, which has become a big deal for me with medical providers….  that not only do they need to know what they are talking about, but that they actually listen to what I’m saying and treat me like a human being. And when I say “listen”, I don’t mean me going on and on about stuff that may or may not matter, I mean just hear what I’m saying when I describe the issue(s) I’m having, and the answers I give to their questions. I don’t like being at the Doctor in the first place, and do not want to be there any longer than I have to be, so I do not ramble like I tend to do here, when I am giving them the necessary information. But even with that, I still feel like a lot of them do not actually listen. But I feel like she does, so I am hopeful that she will be able to help me get myself together, even though she looks like a baby lol.

[Pink Cashmere]

I forgot to say that I decided to continue with the Pristiq because before that incident, I believe that it had started working and helping me to feel better. Some proof of that is that, as I mentioned earlier last week in another thread, I’d started working on getting my house back in some kind of order, which caused a minor run in with Mister. 

What I do or don’t do regarding the state of my home, and the actual state of it, almost always has something to do with my mental state. It’s not always obvious which one is the chicken and which one is the egg, since sometimes I just get fed up with my home environment shit and say f it and let it go, but there is also the possibility that I get fed up and say fuck it in the first place, because I get overwhelmed with it mentally and emotionally. Either way, one most definitely has to do with the other and when one gets really bad, so does the other.

Anyway, that is one of the reasons I feel like the Pristiq might have started working, because I finally had it in me to start tackling stuff regarding my home again. That was enough for me to get over the incident and continue with it, to see if that side effect goes away eventually. 

[finnime]

I'm glad, Pink, you've decided to give the meds another chance. It would be a real shame to turn away from something promising, although I do understand some side effects would render it a no-go. Maybe for you it will work out. Or, something else may be a better choice for your personal makeup.

It took my shrink about 2 years to come up with the cocktail I've been on now for 18 years. There has been some variation in dosage, but the basic components are the same. I got very impatient at several points, thinking this will never do enough for me, but it did and does. I wish for you the same good fortune. I'm sure it can be had by you.

[Pink Cashmere]

Sept 25, 2024 19:13:20 GMT -5 finnime said:

I'm glad, Pink, you've decided to give the meds another chance. It would be a real shame to turn away from something promising, although I do understand some side effects would render it a no-go. Maybe for you it will work out. Or, something else may be a better choice for your personal makeup.

It took my shrink about 2 years to come up with the cocktail I've been on now for 18 years. There has been some variation in dosage, but the basic components are the same. I got very impatient at several points, thinking this will never do enough for me, but it did and does. I wish for you the same good fortune. I'm sure it can be had by you.

Yes, she told me that it was up to me to weight the pros and cons, that wasn’t a decision she could make for me. I asked and confirmed that if I felt like that side effect outweighed the possible pros, the alternative was to try something else. And even I knew that “something” else might have even more side effects, potentially including that same one and maybe even some different ones. She was very clear that it was my decision, and since I felt like it had started to help, and that was the most troublesome side effect so far, I preferred to stick tot he devil I’d started to know and see what happens.

I sincerely appreciate you being encouraging, and I also sincerely appreciate you being open enough to share some of your experiences with mental health issues and how your providers have helped you with them. Even though it is an anonymous board, I still believe it requires courage to be honest and share your stories. Thank you and everyone else here that does the same, for that.

[finnime]

Pink Cashmere,   and 

[azucena]

Pink Cashmere - going out on a limb here and wondering aloud if you didn't enjoy your adult activities in some part because your relationship with Mister is strained or even bc your overall anxiety/depression isn't fully treated yet. I struggle to enjoy them when I don't feel connected to DH which is a whole vicious cycle bc men seem to need the physical to feel connected. For us, it kinda ends up in who is going to 'give in' first to break the cycle. No answers here bc we're currently in a dry spell and set to take a weekend away 10/3 with my mom plugging in to watch the kids. Not entirely looking fwd to it to be completely honest. No one warned me that marriage would be this hard.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

DH has had issues with Prozac.  He can get in the mood but he can't go the distance if you get my meaning. I looked it up and that is not uncommon for men taking Prozac.

We decided we like him better on it.  It's frustrating for him but the benefits of taking it outweigh the not going the distance every time we have relations.

I know for women it can be different.  That mirtazipine totally killed my sex drive.  Course it killed my ability to pretty much feel anything I was a zombie but hey at least I wasn't anxious?  I am still pissed that psychiatrist wasn't taking my concerns about being a robot seriously.  I finally left a message saying that if this is what "normal" people feel like then fuck being normal I am not taking this anymore.

I've had no issues with Prestiq side effect wise when it comes to adult relations.  It actually helped because it quieted the voices in my head to where I can actually be in the moment with DH and if I get off course he can bring me back.

Because before that it would be like I was watching myself in horror just talking about the most mood killing shit possible and being unable to shut up.

[TheOtherMe]

My doctor was able to figure out the correct cocktail of meds fairly quickly.  It took longer to figure out the correct dosage of two of them.  

We changed one at my request after I moved here because the old one can cause major liver damage and my numbers were trending in a bad direction.  I wanted off of that drug.  The replacement seems to work and it is not known to cause that kind of damage to the liver.  

The major side effect of the meds that I don't like is weight gain.  I have learned to live with it, but I don't like it.