Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Aug 29, 2016 19:44:00 GMT -5
It's been a while since we had a thread about this. What do you think? Is the breadwinner husband really the best way to do things? There was a speaker I remember reading about that encouraged women to take advantage of being a SAHM to reach fullfulling lives because men don't have the opportunity due to work. This letter kind of reminded me of that. www.foxnews.com/opinion/2016/08/29/letter-to-my-breadwinner-husband.html?ref=yfpMy dearest Bill, The other day, around 3:00pm on a random Wednesday, I was headed to the grocery store to get something to make for dinner. As you know, I’ve been slacking on the food front for some time and can’t seem to get organized the way I used to. Remember when I would go through our cookbooks every Sunday and plan the meals for the week, and then shop once for the entire week? I know, I know, I always made a second trip; but still, the bulk of the food was in the fridge. I did that for more than a decade, but it was such a monotonous task I can’t bring myself to keep up with it. So now I play ‘catch as catch can’ and, as you like to say, shop like a French woman who goes to the store each day for that night’s meal. This has its own annoyances, but at least there’s food on the table. Anyhow, on my way there Wednesday I was thinking about how grateful I am to have never, in all the years since we had kids, had to face a trip to the grocery store in the evening or on the weekend. I have always gone on a weekday—always—which has made the quality of my life so much better not having to deal with the stress of long lines or having to make sure I get to the store at the final hour. There was always the next day. I’ve had this life because of you...."
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Aug 29, 2016 19:51:07 GMT -5
You did consider the source, right?
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msventoux
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Post by msventoux on Aug 29, 2016 19:54:09 GMT -5
I'm disappointed she didn't mention tipping anywhere in her letter. The two issues together could have been epic.
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plugginaway22
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Post by plugginaway22 on Aug 29, 2016 20:12:03 GMT -5
OMG sounds like 1963.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Aug 29, 2016 20:13:28 GMT -5
I'm happy it works for them.
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justme
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Post by justme on Aug 29, 2016 20:16:26 GMT -5
I dunno, if I was the husband I wouldn't want to read that. It's basically a thank you for all your sacrificing so I can have a cushy life and follow all my dreams. Thanks for sacrificing all yours for the all mighty dollar.
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quince
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Post by quince on Aug 29, 2016 20:26:10 GMT -5
I kind of think the family bringing in sufficient income in total is the way to do things. How they end up doing it is up to them.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2016 20:39:25 GMT -5
I'm guessing my husband would respond that I've concurrently made his life better by limiting the times he EVER has to enter a grocery store (etc) to a handful.
We both like what we do and how we do it. We both benefit from what we do and how we do it. If we didn't, we wouldn't do it...
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Aug 29, 2016 20:50:59 GMT -5
I dunno, if I was the husband I wouldn't want to read that. It's basically a thank you for all your sacrificing so I can have a cushy life and follow all my dreams. Thanks for sacrificing all yours for the all mighty dollar. Yes, that's the impression I got as well. That it was kind of a back hand insult/reminder of what you had to give up.
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sesfw
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Post by sesfw on Aug 29, 2016 21:06:09 GMT -5
OMG sounds like 1963
Stepford wives?
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Aug 30, 2016 6:03:02 GMT -5
I'm not really impressed by the letter but I'd love to be a SAHM and not work. I'm not afraid to admit that. I am too afraid to quit my job though.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Aug 30, 2016 6:09:55 GMT -5
I think appreciating your spouse is a very good thing.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Aug 30, 2016 7:00:47 GMT -5
I'm not really impressed by the letter but I'd love to be a SAHM and not work. I'm not afraid to admit that. I am too afraid to quit my job though.
Yeah. Me too. I'd have an errand day, a volunteer day, and then three days to do with whatever I wanted, after an hour or so of chores. That sounds like heaven to me. DH has two kid free days a week now. It's going to be an interesting adjustment. Half of me IS jealous, mad, and hurt. The other half is like..shit. He can do stuff now and take things off my plate.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Aug 30, 2016 7:26:05 GMT -5
It is because of your willingness to work full time, year round—with no freedom to tell your boss “I quit!” and with no sabbatical to think about what other things you’d like to do with your life, and with no ability to have time just for you smack in the middle of a workweek that my life, and our kids’ lives, are as wonderful as they are.
See, I don't think, in a good marriage, one spouse gives up everything in order to let the other spouse follow her dreams, which this lady seems to think happened her marriage. She writes at a different point that she was able to follow her dream to be a writer, while he never had that chance, although he also had dreamed of being a writer.
In a good marriage, it isn't so much whether someone is a SAHP or not, but whether BOTH spouses get to follow at least SOME of their dreams. One shouldn't give up everything in order for their spouse and kids to HAVE everything, regardless of who the SAHP is.
I would be curious to hear the DH's take on this. Is he gritting his teeth, angry that he is the one tied to the grindstone while his wife and kids spend the summer at the pool? Is he chaffing at sweating through some monotonous job while his wife dabbles at writing? Or does he love going to work because he enjoys the two hour cocktail lunches with adults, or because his kids get on his last nerve? He may hate the burden of the sole breadwinner - or he may love having the tedious tasks of cleaning the house/grocery shopping/taking the kids to the doctor taken care of for him. I would love to know his point of view on this.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 30, 2016 7:29:48 GMT -5
I'm guessing my husband would respond that I've concurrently made his life better by limiting the times he EVER has to enter a grocery store (etc) to a handful. We both like what we do and how we do it. We both benefit from what we do and how we do it. If we didn't, we wouldn't do it... Back in the day when I was a SAHM, my ex used to brag to his friends about never having to do yard work, clean house, pay bills or get up in the night with a sick kid... he's remarried and his new wife has been staying home with the two kids, but recently she's started doing some part time work in the evenings and he's bitching about it to me all the time. He told me "She says it's going to make our lives so much easier, but all I see is I'm having to spend a lot more time with my kids!"
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Aug 30, 2016 7:55:26 GMT -5
I think this letter is stupid because it's obviously not a real letter, but a lecture disguised as a letter.
I don't feel like a real SAHM because of my circumstances, so I probably shouldn't comment on that aspect, but I will comment on one thing. I avoid going to the store with my kids as much as possible and often go in the evening or weekend. They're a total PITA at the store-- well mostly the younger one. I realize I should train them to be perfect little angels in public all the time, but I guess I suck because I haven't and they're not.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Aug 30, 2016 7:56:07 GMT -5
I'm guessing my husband would respond that I've concurrently made his life better by limiting the times he EVER has to enter a grocery store (etc) to a handful. We both like what we do and how we do it. We both benefit from what we do and how we do it. If we didn't, we wouldn't do it... Back in the day when I was a SAHM, my ex used to brag to his friends about never having to do yard work, clean house, pay bills or get up in the night with a sick kid... he's remarried and his new wife has been staying home with the two kids, but recently she's started doing some part time work in the evenings and he's bitching about it to me all the time. He told me "She says it's going to make our lives so much easier, but all I see is I'm having to spend a lot more time with my kids!" Omg, I have to spend more time with my own children? Perish the thought!
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Aug 30, 2016 7:59:42 GMT -5
It is because of your willingness to work full time, year round—with no freedom to tell your boss “I quit!” and with no sabbatical to think about what other things you’d like to do with your life, and with no ability to have time just for you smack in the middle of a workweek that my life, and our kids’ lives, are as wonderful as they are.
See, I don't think, in a good marriage, one spouse gives up everything in order to let the other spouse follow her dreams, which this lady seems to think happened her marriage. She writes at a different point that she was able to follow her dream to be a writer, while he never had that chance, although he also had dreamed of being a writer.
In a good marriage, it isn't so much whether someone is a SAHP or not, but whether BOTH spouses get to follow at least SOME of their dreams. One shouldn't give up everything in order for their spouse and kids to HAVE everything, regardless of who the SAHP is.
I would be curious to hear the DH's take on this. Is he gritting his teeth, angry that he is the one tied to the grindstone while his wife and kids spend the summer at the pool? Is he chaffing at sweating through some monotonous job while his wife dabbles at writing? Or does he love going to work because he enjoys the two hour cocktail lunches with adults, or because his kids get on his last nerve? He may hate the burden of the sole breadwinner - or he may love having the tedious tasks of cleaning the house/grocery shopping/taking the kids to the doctor taken care of for him. I would love to know his point of view on this.
It would be ideal to have both people in a marriage follow their dreams, but once you throw kids into the mix it becomes extremely difficult. At least one person will have to have a kid friendly or flexible schedule to deal with child care, sick kids, activities, etc. Both parents can't be out lighting the world on fire ...at least not at the same time.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Aug 30, 2016 8:09:34 GMT -5
Wait! She is getting crap for THANKING her husband? Yes, she is definitely the devil!
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Aug 30, 2016 8:11:02 GMT -5
I think this letter is stupid because it's obviously not a real letter, but a lecture disguised as a letter. I don't feel like a real SAHM because of my circumstances, so I probably shouldn't comment on that aspect, but I will comment on one thing. I avoid going to the store with my kids as much as possible and often go in the evening or weekend. They're a total PITA at the store-- well mostly the younger one. I realize I should train them to be perfect little angels in public all the time, but I guess I suck because I haven't and they're not. I try not to go to stores with my kids bc I would be spending double. And I am already spending shit load of money on food.
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justme
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Post by justme on Aug 30, 2016 8:17:12 GMT -5
It's not that she's thanking him, it's that she's thanking him for sacrificing everything and giving up his dreams for her to have a cushy life of her dreams.
No husband, but I think I'd be really sad to think my husband gave up all his dreams and seemingly has no break in life to do the things he likes while I'm sitting pretty.
If he's happier than a bear in a honey pot ok, but her description of his life doesn't seem the happiest.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 30, 2016 8:19:16 GMT -5
I'm going to post only once in this thread because, sadly, discussions on this subject always get ugly.
I was raised by a SAHM in a LCOL area during a time when women couldn't get well-paying jobs anyway. DS and DDIL have chosen for DDIL to be a SAHM, although recently she started taking care of a former coworker's baby. The former coworker is lucky to have DDIL as a caregiver for her baby; DDIL is wonderful with kids. DS likes his job but it doesn't consume him. They live in an area where this is feasible. I raised him in NNJ, where most families really need 2 incomes. It was a moot point after the divorce: my Ex was unemployed (and had been the last 5 years of the marriage) so if I'd decided to be a SAHM we would have been frequenting the food banks.
Being a SAHM IS a bit of a luxury. If you put your heart into it, it's not easy or cushy, but it's a luxury to have that option. Not everyone does. It's nice that the letter-writer appreciates what her husband does for the family. I would hope that he also appreciates what she does and is wise enough to understand that contributions aren't just measured in dollars.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Aug 30, 2016 8:23:07 GMT -5
It's not that she's thanking him, it's that she's thanking him for sacrificing everything and giving up his dreams for her to have a cushy life of her dreams.No husband, but I think I'd be really sad to think my husband gave up all his dreams and seemingly has no break in life to do the things he likes while I'm sitting pretty. If he's happier than a bear in a honey pot ok, but her description of his life doesn't seem the happiest. That just sounds like a lot of nit picking. His life might be just fine Her life might not be as cushy. She is not bashing her husband. She is not making fun of him. She is THANKING him. And yet, people still find something to criticize her for. To me, it says a lot more about these people than her.
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justme
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Post by justme on Aug 30, 2016 8:28:47 GMT -5
It's not that she's thanking him, it's that she's thanking him for sacrificing everything and giving up his dreams for her to have a cushy life of her dreams.No husband, but I think I'd be really sad to think my husband gave up all his dreams and seemingly has no break in life to do the things he likes while I'm sitting pretty. If he's happier than a bear in a honey pot ok, but her description of his life doesn't seem the happiest. That just sounds like a lot of nit picking. His life might be just fine Her life might not be as cushy. She is not bashing her husband. She is not making fun of him. She is THANKING him. And yet, people still find something to criticize her for. To me, it says a lot more about these people than her. I don't think it's nitpicking to base my opinion on exactly what she said. I wasn't reading between the lines or putting my own color on it. She said her life is cushy. And listed all her dreams that she got to do and listed all the things he can't do because he's chained to his job to let her do all her dreams. I am not against sahp. I was raised by one. While both my parents made sacrifices to make it happen I know my dad didn't give up all his hobbies and dreams while my mom was able to chase all of hers.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Aug 30, 2016 8:31:19 GMT -5
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Aug 30, 2016 8:41:20 GMT -5
That just sounds like a lot of nit picking. His life might be just fine Her life might not be as cushy. She is not bashing her husband. She is not making fun of him. She is THANKING him. And yet, people still find something to criticize her for. To me, it says a lot more about these people than her. I don't think it's nitpicking to base my opinion on exactly what she said. I wasn't reading between the lines or putting my own color on it. She said her life is cushy. And listed all her dreams that she got to do and listed all the things he can't do because he's chained to his job to let her do all her dreams. I am not against sahp. I was raised by one. While both my parents made sacrifices to make it happen I know my dad didn't give up all his hobbies and dreams while my mom was able to chase all of hers. But that's just the thing - her husband might consider his life cushy as well. What she is seeing as his sacrifice, he might be seeing as his cushy life and her sacrifice. So all she is doing is thanking him for the life she has with him. I just don't see anything bad about it. It would be the same if a child thanked his parents at the college graduation for working 2 jobs and sacrificing for him while his parents thought of it as their privilege to allow their child to reach for his dreams. I guess in today's world, where people feel so entitled to everything, I view it as a good thing when someone actually thanks someone.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Aug 30, 2016 8:44:05 GMT -5
I wonder if her husband does yoga too to relieve his stress just like Suzanne's does to relieve her stress of sitting in front of a computer.
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justme
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Post by justme on Aug 30, 2016 8:52:24 GMT -5
I don't think it's nitpicking to base my opinion on exactly what she said. I wasn't reading between the lines or putting my own color on it. She said her life is cushy. And listed all her dreams that she got to do and listed all the things he can't do because he's chained to his job to let her do all her dreams. I am not against sahp. I was raised by one. While both my parents made sacrifices to make it happen I know my dad didn't give up all his hobbies and dreams while my mom was able to chase all of hers. But that's just the thing - her husband might consider his life cushy as well. What she is seeing as his sacrifice, he might be seeing as his cushy life and her sacrifice. So all she is doing is thanking him for the life she has with him. I just don't see anything bad about it. It would be the same if a child thanked his parents at the college graduation for working 2 jobs and sacrificing for him while his parents thought of it as their privilege to allow their child to reach for his dreams. I guess in today's world, where people feel so entitled to everything, I view it as a good thing when someone actually thanks someone. I'd still feel bad if my parents were sacrificing everything while I was living it up at college. If they were chained to their job and didn't get any sabbatical. Had to stop things they enjoyed like going it to eat and vacations and hobbies so they could put me through college I'd feel like a selfish bitch unless I was living like they were in college. Maybe the guy is happy. Maybe he's screwing around on his wife on all those business trips he takes. Who knows? We only know what she wrote in her letter and in her letter it was thanking him for giving up everything he wanted to do so she can do everything she wants to do. That makes me feel sad for the husband. I wouldn't like for my husband to have to give up that much so I can do everything I want.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Aug 30, 2016 9:02:15 GMT -5
LOL looks like she has been working the whole time.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 30, 2016 9:09:52 GMT -5
We are 'less happy' now because it's become socially acceptable to be less happy... We don't have to sneak into bedroom closets or lock our kids outside to wallow and drink and take pills while smiling for the world. We can now drink openly, and get a script for that...
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